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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/01/2022 00:16

You haven’t said what DH thinks. Is he up for going by himself?

Shakeynf · 23/01/2022 00:17

@GooseberryBush12

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go
Time is precious but this is his brothers wedding. You don’t need to go but he should.

How would you feel if it was your sibling and he said the same to you ??

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 23/01/2022 00:19

@GooseberryBush12

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go
Family time is precious, well so is his siblings wedding. It's a one time thing. I think you are being very unreasonable to not want him to go.
violetbunny · 23/01/2022 00:22

If it was for anyone other than his brother I would decline. As it's immediate family I would send DH alone.
Could anyone else help you with childcare while he's away if it's that much of an issue? Could you afford to buy in any help while he's away? Or put in place a few things to help lighten the load on you while he's gone (online shopping etc)?

HeddaGarbled · 23/01/2022 00:22

family time is precious

So’s a sibling’s wedding, and they’re one-offs (hopefully).

You are so wrong to be difficult about this special occasion because it puts you out a little bit.

heyitsthistle · 23/01/2022 00:23

I'd encourage him to go and you should invite a friend to come and stay when he's away (working or not) for a bit of extra company/help with the kids.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 00:24

I haven’t said I don’t want him to go, my post is about the whole timing and location being really hard for us to do it. Even if he goes alone it’ll be money we can’t afford and he’s unlikely to be able to have time off work.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 23/01/2022 00:27

Your DH really needs to go if he can get time off.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 23/01/2022 00:28

Don't give a reason/excuse, they will try to find a solution. Just RSPV back saying unfortunately you are unable to attend on that date, but wish them a every happiness etc etc.

Shakeynf · 23/01/2022 00:29

Your Dh needs to speak to his brother ASAP and you need to leave them to it. If it’s mid week and he’d be away anyway it’s not really likely to impinge on general family life. Your Dh needs to see what he can sort re leave etc. and you need to leave him to it.

Justmuddlingalong · 23/01/2022 00:30

If he definitely can't get time off work, it's a moot point. Has he asked his work?

DoTheMerengue · 23/01/2022 00:31

You’re right about location. We had a city centre wedding because it was easy for everyone to get to with a wide range of accommodation available for people who needed to stay over.

Spreadingtheword · 23/01/2022 00:34

Same, except I’m the bride.

Close family members have been caught talking.. not so highly of the time of year we’re getting married and the fact although it’s UK based it’s still ‘destination’ and over 4 days.. accommodation paid for by us as I don’t expect people to come or want to come if It means spending £.

However, I could not care less. It’s perfect for us, the fact they’ve botched about it has just left me with the bitter taste of “I’ll be £500 better off if you don’t come.. so don’t”

But I’m not allowed to know that they’ve been bitching, I’m apparently to just grin and bare it and wait to see what their response to the invite is. Hoorah for keeping the peace Hmm

Stars1979 · 23/01/2022 00:34

Weddings are rarely about the guests im afraid. Mid week wedding will be considerably cheaper for the bride and groom, the venue is near them, lots of couples state no children now at weddings, not unusual (albeit this wasnt my choice, kids came to mine), i do not think they are being inconsiderate as such, I expect they are trying to keep cost to a minimum, not trying to exclude you both. Mid week weddings are always tricky, if you can't go, then just DH can go. You say you have the kids all week anyway and I get that leave is precious but the leave is being used for a special occasion not used on a whim. I dont think your DH and his sibling with have the same relationship, if he didnt go. Its an important day.

CointreauVersial · 23/01/2022 00:35

It's not about you.

DH should go on his own. He can forgo "family time" for two days to see his sibling get married.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 23/01/2022 00:36

YABU.
If you and DH were not invited, you’d be up in arms. Could any of your own family help with childcare if you really wanted to go (though it sounds like you don’t).
If you can’t attend then decline saying DH will attend alone. Saying it’s ‘inconvenient’ to you for your DH to go alone is something you need to get over.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 00:36

Spreadingtheword I’m sorry your family have been talking. I think that’s really thoughtful of you to pay for their accommodation

OP posts:
CointreauVersial · 23/01/2022 00:36

If he can't get time off work, then that's a different matter. If he can (and wants to see his sibling get married) then he should make every effort to get there.

Catflapkitkat · 23/01/2022 00:37

heyitsthistle has the right approach, your DH goes alone and you invite a friend/sister/relative to stay with you for the week.

How would you have felt I'd a sibling decline your wedding invite.

SelkieQualia · 23/01/2022 00:39

You don't want your husband to go to his brother's wedding just because you don't want to parent by yourself for a little bit? Sorry, you are being very very unreasonable.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 00:41

I absolutely do want to go, we cannot afford it, we have nobody who could look after the children and can’t take time off work.

I just feel it’s becoming such a thing to have a huge, lavish wedding and it’s a bit cheeky to expect guests to be able to afford to come.

OP posts:
Shakeyshakeyshake · 23/01/2022 00:41

@Catflapkitkat

heyitsthistle has the right approach, your DH goes alone and you invite a friend/sister/relative to stay with you for the week.

How would you have felt I'd a sibling decline your wedding invite.

Agreed. Or even more so - how would OP feel if their siblings oh had declined the invitation without talking to them to discuss it!
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 23/01/2022 00:44

It’s not a summons, it’s an invite. If you can’t go you can’t go. Just politely decline

HollaHolla · 23/01/2022 00:45

In think others have come up with the right solution. You need to suck it up, and he goes alone for a couple days. Unless there’s a massive back story with disabilities/other needs, it would be no different to when he’s away for work. It’s only 2 days, and it’s his sibling.

DysmalRadius · 23/01/2022 00:46

Could he drive half the distance after work, stay in a travelodge, do the rest of the journey in the morning and then reverse on the way home. That way he could only need one day off, he's be there for ask the important bits and would only need £50 or so for the travels?