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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 07:26

I didn’t want to post all the details in case I’m outing myself but it’s not his brother, it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to. A lot of posters are saying it’s a weekend away for DH get over myself, it’s not a weekend it’s a weekday at a time of year when work is mad and we re not expected to take time off unless it’s a funeral or something. I have no issue looking after my children on my own, I do it every week hence why when he’s got any free time, it’s nice to have the extra help from him

OP posts:
Jessicabrassica · 23/01/2022 07:28

Have you got a friend or family member who could come and stay whilst he goes - just so you can have a second pair of hands and some adult company?

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 07:28

Yeah but this is exceptional circumstances.

You’re going to wreck your relationship with your in laws if you don’t make an effort to go, and if your leave is refused, let your husband go by himself.

Since he works away, you have routines in place through the week for you and the kids

lap90 · 23/01/2022 07:29

YABU and weird about your DH being invited to his sibling's wedding. It's best you stay behind.

It's a one off (hopefully) and for two nights. Are you really that starved off precious family time you don't even want your DH to attend his sibling's wedding?

Lots of guests live near you? Great, can DH car share?

justustwoandmoo · 23/01/2022 07:29

@GooseberryBush12

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go
But it's his siblings wedding. It's a one off. He should definitely be going. There just isn't a reason why not. He is probably hoping that you will tell him to go. You know it's the right thing to do.

Plus you can't blame them for wanting to get married close to where they live x

lightisnotwhite · 23/01/2022 07:31

@goawaystormy

I just feel it’s becoming such a thing to have a huge, lavish wedding and it’s a bit cheeky to expect guests to be able to afford to come

Except nowhere in your posts have you actually said it's lavish. Your problem is with the fact that it's far away but it's where they live, it's not like they're having a destination wedding. They probably have local friends who it would be inconvenient for it they had the wedding in your home town so they'd be upsetting someone.

Your work being difficult to take time off at this time of year is a weird complaint to have aswell. I'm not privy to the workings of any of my families industries and other than the obvious one of hospitality/Christmas would have no clue what time of year might be inconvenient for them.

You're having a moan about not being considered but it sounds like you have way too high expectations of how much you deserve to be considered. You aren't the only guests!

And for someone moaning so much about consideration you appear to have very little for them. Maybe consider the fact that it's their day and they may want to get married close to home so they can sleep in their own bed. Or the fact that they have multiple guests to think about when planning - not to mention squeezing in some of their own wants. Consideration works both ways and YABU to be this pissy because you perceive them to be inconsiderate

This says it all Op.

Also I think you are being a bit of a hypocrite slagging off their choices for mid week weddings and not considering guests in your first posts but then saying “I really want to go” when people suggest DH go alone.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 23/01/2022 07:34

I just knew this would be an in law.
Husband goes on his own you stay at home with the kids.
They've booked their wedding where they live, it's hardly unusual.
Talk of family time works both ways... This is his family

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 07:35

I do understand during the week to have DH with you and DCs is the best option. But this is a one off occasion surely - if DH is not close enough to his sister to not be bothered to go to the wedding - fair enough - if he does want to I think you should make a plan so that you can cover those two days ( assuming no leave so you can both go)

Plantagenous · 23/01/2022 07:38

Unless it's a funeral or something

It's a wedding! Even more important than a funeral.

DH must go to his sister's wedding. It's a one off occasion. Moaning about you wanting him at home to help you with the kids is breathtakingly mean.

lightisnotwhite · 23/01/2022 07:39

Also you said DH works away all week. So what’s the difference?

There would be no chance of “family time” under normal circumstances anyway given your work. Just suck it up as a normal week and accept that you made children and work choices that mean you can’t do everything.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 23/01/2022 07:39

@GooseberryBush12

I didn’t want to post all the details in case I’m outing myself but it’s not his brother, it’s a sister who we see one every couple of years and is not close to. A lot of posters are saying it’s a weekend away for DH get over myself, it’s not a weekend it’s a weekday at a time of year when work is mad and we re not expected to take time off unless it’s a funeral or something. I have no issue looking after my children on my own, I do it every week hence why when he’s got any free time, it’s nice to have the extra help from him
It’s a one-off event, a family wedding, no less.

Get over yourself.

pictish · 23/01/2022 07:40

Initially I voted yanbu because it is difficult to attend given the circumstances…that you can’t take the kids along makes it impossible for the two of you to go.

However, having read your other posts on this I think you are being very unreasonable and self-centred.

Don’t you dare throw shade over your dh going to his sister’s wedding, you selfish thing. Who cares if he only sees her every couple of years…that’s his sister, the rest of his family will be there…it most certainly trumps you having to look after the kids by yourself. Don’t be that dick.

autienotnaughty · 23/01/2022 07:41

YANBU Not to go if it's too difficult
YABU To be put out be someone's wedding choices. It's their wedding let them plan it and go or don't go.
Whilst I get the no children thing I do find it surprising nieces and nephews aren't invited. If you really can't go id say no and site childcare otherwise send oh.

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 07:42

I only see my brother every couple of years. We aren’t particularly close. He relocated to Spain about 6 years ago.

If he was getting married he would get married in Spain. That’s where his life and friends are.

Id have to suck up the cost of flights (potentially in the summer) and ask work for time off even if I didn’t usually get time off.

Because it’s my brother. That’s what you do.

And if my kids weren’t invited (well, they’re grown now but in principle) then I’d have to get them minded by someone from their dad’s side.

Honestly op you’re being really unfair and making everything all about you.

WhenTheyComeForYou · 23/01/2022 07:43

You've managed to make their wedding all about you OP.

  1. they are entitled to get married where they now live. They are entitled to get married anywhere they want.

If you decide you can't go, fair enough. It's a shame but if you've tried everything to sort it, cant or don't want to expense, that's ok. That's your choice.

BUT you absolutely can't stop your partner going. It's his sibling and his choice. You can surely look after your own kids for a few days and catch up the following weekend.

YABU and a tad selfish. Hopefully you can take a step back and see that before you respond. And stopping your partner from going would be controlling.

Ellavoday · 23/01/2022 07:44

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

I don’t think this is a valid reason for not attending a wedding.

I know you want to go but it’s important DH goes at at least.

crikeycrumbsblimey · 23/01/2022 07:45

Sorry they haven't invited their own niece/nephew to the wedding?

Darbs76 · 23/01/2022 07:46

How can the bride & groom consider everyone’s individual circumstances? It’s their wedding and it fits about their timetable, just like your wedding did if you’re married. Why does it matter what time of year it is to leave your children? Just say you can’t come as you can’t get time off work at that time of year. End of

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 07:48

Using people don’t have children at weddings. That’s up to them. @crikeycrumbsblimey

Darbs76 · 23/01/2022 07:48

Just read the replies. Sorry but your DH must go to his own siblings wedding. Sure you’d like him helping you with the kids but would you want to miss your own brother or sisters wedding? If you can’t go then he goes alone. If none of you go then I can understand they they’d be angry as they will consider you’re being difficult

mummytotwoboys0600 · 23/01/2022 07:53

I totally agree, a family wedding should include children especially your own niece and nephews. Perhaps your DH can speak to his brother and let them know you can't come without the children? It is frustrating when people do mid week weddings and expect people to take more more than one days holiday for it. Why would anyone want use 3 days annual leave on someone's wedding. That's time away from family in the summer, Christmas etc especially when the children aren't even invited. I would decline the invite if it was me.

Isaw3ships · 23/01/2022 07:53

It’s a sibling, make the effort. If it’s really that much. If a nightmare for you to sort it so you can all go then let him go in his own. He’ll have more fun anyway.

Shiningpath · 23/01/2022 07:53

I wonder if there’s a reason they only get to see each other every few years? What could it be? I really can’t imagine… Hmm

opinionminion · 23/01/2022 07:53

Darbs76 I concur

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 23/01/2022 07:57

For a sibling, I'd send DH on his own. Practicalities mean you just can't go, the sibling will need to understand that this is the compromise.

My cousin was very surprised when I didn't attend the wedding 4 hours away that my DH and newborn baby weren't invited to. Nope, I'm not just leaving a newborn breastfed baby for a full day and overnight to suit you, no I'm definitely not having the hassle and expense of them coming up for DH to sit alone in the hotel with a baby so that I can nip in and out to feed him. Spin forward a few years and there she was bringing her own baby into a family funeral. People understand only once they have their own.