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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
Pinkfluff76 · 25/01/2022 08:04

Can’t believe they expect you to travel that far to their wedding, and without your kids, DURING THE WEEK!! That is the height of cheek! A wedding should be at a weekend ffs. Don’t go. They shouldn’t be surprised. You won’t be the only ones.

Worriedatwork1 · 25/01/2022 08:28

I think YABU to be annoyed, but YANBU to decline, perfectly simple, can’t get time off work, can’t juggle childcare, it’s just not practical but send a lovely gift and celebrate afterwards. If viable just the one of you who is directly related could go alone

Kittysummer · 25/01/2022 09:11

At the end of the day, it’s an invitation. A request inviting you. This is giving you the option to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. We turned an invite to the evening part, mainly because it was a distance to travel, we were only invited to the evening and we were asked to pay towards the bar. Also if we did have a drink we would have needed accommodation or not drink and drive back very late. The mother of bride was not too happy but as there was over 100 guests in a marque I sure we were not missed.

Inwiththenew · 25/01/2022 09:41

I hate no kids weddings. We were invited to two this year and declined one and hubs went without me to the other. We were treated as being uppity for not just doing as we were told! If it’s about money they should just give you the option to pay because I don’t think there’s any appreciation of the hoops that a lot of parents have to jump through to satisfy these selfish demands. Weddings are a two way street, I think this fact is being totally lost amongst entitled bridezillas the length and breadth of the Uk, for it is a very UK thing.
We were actually expected to leave my 11 yr old son by himself In a hotel room while we went to the reception! Absolutely clueless how unreasonable this is.

skippy67 · 25/01/2022 09:51

@Pinkfluff76

Can’t believe they expect you to travel that far to their wedding, and without your kids, DURING THE WEEK!! That is the height of cheek! A wedding should be at a weekend ffs. Don’t go. They shouldn’t be surprised. You won’t be the only ones.
I've been to lots of midweek weddings. Lots of people work at weekends too you know.
XelaM · 25/01/2022 09:53

@Inwiththenew

"I hate no kids weddings. We were invited to two this year and declined one and hubs went without me to the other. We were treated as being uppity for not just doing as we were told! If it’s about money they should just give you the option to pay because I don’t think there’s any appreciation of the hoops that a lot of parents have to jump through to satisfy these selfish demands. Weddings are a two way street, I think this fact is being totally lost amongst entitled bridezillas the length and breadth of the Uk, for it is a very UK thing.
We were actually expected to leave my 11 yr old son by himself In a hotel room while we went to the reception! Absolutely clueless how unreasonable this is."

Absolutely this!!!!!!

Crispigiy · 25/01/2022 09:58

My DHs sibling invited us to their wedding at the worst time of year for my DH work-wise (agriculture). It was also 4 hours drive away. We had three young DC and children weren't invited. I was never going to be able to go as we had no childcare. DH didn't think twice about declining their invitation as he didn't want to go without me and our DC. So none of us went.

Crispigiy · 25/01/2022 10:00

"If it is your husband's sibling then he has to go. You don't have to go, but he does."

No he actually doesn't. Unless I've missed it in some rule book somewhere.

Greenshed · 25/01/2022 10:04

I don’t know if it’s still the case, but mid week weddings used to be cheaper than weekend ones, which might be one reason they’ve opted for mid week.
If you can’t afford to go, can’t get the time off, can’t arrange child care, then don’t go. If they ask for reasons, tell them what you’ve told everyone here. You don’t have to feel bad about it, just be honest.

saraclara · 25/01/2022 10:10

I'd give anyone a pass about having a mid week wedding at the moment. As a pp said, as so many weddings had to be postponed or rescheduled over the last two years, it's incredibly difficult to find a venue available at the weekend. There's going to be a backlog for some time yet.
Few people would choose mid week, even though it costs less. But it's probably all they can find.

ihatesoaps · 25/01/2022 10:14

@Inwiththenew

I hate no kids weddings. We were invited to two this year and declined one and hubs went without me to the other. We were treated as being uppity for not just doing as we were told! If it’s about money they should just give you the option to pay because I don’t think there’s any appreciation of the hoops that a lot of parents have to jump through to satisfy these selfish demands. Weddings are a two way street, I think this fact is being totally lost amongst entitled bridezillas the length and breadth of the Uk, for it is a very UK thing. We were actually expected to leave my 11 yr old son by himself In a hotel room while we went to the reception! Absolutely clueless how unreasonable this is.
When I got married a fair few years ago we said no children. We had 150 on our list but our venue could only hold 120z. If we'd invited everyone's kids too we'd only have been able to invite about 100 guests. I also didn't want kids screaming and running up and down.... None of my friends invited kids to their weddings either.... Why do kids have to be invited everywhere? I have three kids of my own but love going out to places where I know I can enjoy adult company without the kids taking over
Insanelysilver · 25/01/2022 12:38

@BiscuitLover3678
By ‘ nanny’ I meant some one to babysit for the ceremony. Not a 70k a year live in Norland nanny lol
My daughter sometimes does this sort of nannying where it’s occasional or one off for extra cash. It probably cost about £30 an hour. It’s quite a lot I know but maybe do able for a one off.

OperationRinka · 25/01/2022 14:08

Midweek weddings can work just fine for retired people, SAHPs of small children, teachers and academics in school holidays, people who work in hospitality/performing arts/retail who are busier at the weekend, or people who work for 7 day a week operations like hospital staff and emergency services for whom it's equally difficult on any day. That's a lot of people.

I've been to two mid-week weddings recently, one where most of the guests were retired and one where most of the guests were teachers or performing arts.

Kite22 · 25/01/2022 18:20

I am totally with you @ihatesoaps
If you invite people's children (generally now, in response to InWithTheNew , not the OP) then that means some of your actual friends would get bumped from the list, as, no matter what your budget or what the size of the venue - which is just as big a limiter as budget - there comes a point when you reach capacity.
I'm not talking about nieces and nephews here, but the entitled thinking of some people that their dc "ought" to be invited.
Why on earth would I want friend from {insert work / university / hobby}' s dc at my wedding, when I quite possibly haven't even met them, but even if I have, they are not my friends Confused

@MarieIVanArkleStinks Would you be more comfortable with the word "encourage" ? I think most of us would read the posts about 'sending' the OP's dh in the spirit in which it is written. Of course it is his decision, but it will be made easier if OP isn't listing all the reasons she thinks he shouldn't go, but is letting him know she thinks he ought to do everything he can to get to his sister's wedding rather than the way OP has come across as listing all the reasons why he shouldn't go.

BasiliskStare · 26/01/2022 01:42

We had a no children wedding - we had no nephews or nieces or children of our own at the time - it was very small and on a low budget - one couple turned it down because of babysitting / childcare. In hindsight I wish I'd said - just bring him but then what if other friends had said - we've made arrangements .

I think a wedding is a two way street - you are invited and you can say no. If Bride and groom are not happy - well that's not your problem. Just saying you can pay for DC's meal doesn't necessarily work if the venue is very small and not appropriate for children .

jimmyjammy001 · 26/01/2022 02:40

It's their wedding at the end of the day, they don't want children there ruining the day and parents not being able to relax and have a drink as they will be in parent mode, if you didn't have children it sounds like you would be able to go as it is the cost of childcare that is preventing you from going, you will just have to say you can't go because of the kids

rosesareredandpink · 26/01/2022 08:26

You’re not being very kind or understanding. They do not have to chose a wedding location to convenience you; get over yourself. I’d gladly travel to a different part of the country or even to another country for a wedding if I could. A few hours in a car is nothing. Your husband must certainly go. It’s a special and important day for his sibling and family.

Goldiemummy · 26/01/2022 11:53

I don't think they're being not wanting children at their wedding. At the end of the day, it's their wedding and if it doesn't suit you, then don't go. You shouldn't feel guilty for not going.

Goldiemummy · 26/01/2022 11:54

Not being unreasonable. Sorry I missed a word out in original post.

MountainAshley · 26/01/2022 12:18

I wouldn't go either OP. If people are bothered about guests attending their wedding, they need to arrange it fit in with the guests too.

Weddings have just become a ridiculous fiasco now. All this "their wedding, their day" stuff has just made people think it is fine to do whatever they like, however inconsiderate it is for the guests.

Yes, people can and should do exactly what they like for their wedding, but only if they don't care if some people cannot be there, or will choose to not be there. If they care who comes, then make it easy for people to attend!

Most weddings are dull anyway and are only interesting to the bridge and groom!

MountainAshley · 26/01/2022 12:19

Typo, bride and groom, not bridge and groom Blush

aSofaNearYou · 26/01/2022 12:21

I'm really confused about why this is being described as a "lavish" wedding at the inconvenience of the guests. There's nothing lavish about just having a wedding local to yourself, surely that's normal? This just sounds like a normal wedding that happens to be inconvenient for you because they live a long way away, rather than an example of it actually being thoughtless or unaffordable for the guests.

Vanderpump · 26/01/2022 12:33

I would leave it to DH, if he wants to go then fine and if he doesn't want to go then fine

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/01/2022 07:20

I agree that you can't arrange weddings to suit EVERY guest, obviously - but this is the bride's BROTHER - you'd think she might have made some accommodation for his circumstances! Unless she's really not bothered about him being there.

whenwillthemadnessend · 27/01/2022 07:26

For a brother. He should go. It's only going to happen once (hopefully) so it's very selfish of you to stop him for the sake of coping alone for one weekend.

You stay at home with the kids.