Declining wedding invite

[GooseberryBush12]

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

[Aprilx]

@GooseberryBush12

Thanks for the replies anyway, I will talk to him tomorrow and see what we can come up with on cheapest arrangements

I totally want to go too, my whole post was about surely if you want all the guests you’re inviting to be able to come, then to plan a wedding that most people will be able to afford and get to!

Like what, hold it next door to you so you can’t make any excuses? They have moved, people are allowed to do that you know. You don’t need three days off to attend a wedding, you are just trying to sway opinion to say that you shouldn’t go. All your posts indicate that you want to stop your husband going to his siblings wedding.

[TheSmallAssassin]

@Aprilx of course you need to take three days off to attend a wedding that is 6 hours drive away! You can't drive up in the morning and get there on time unless you leave in the middle of the night and then you are going to hang around for the reception so are unlikely want to drive back the night of the wedding, so you do need to take the day before and the day after off.

[XelaM]

But people should not hold weekday childless weddings when their guests live hours away, work and have children!!

Nothing unreasonable about the OP. Maybe some posters on this thread have had similar weddings themselves. Just beware, your guests were not happy

[NumberTheory]

@Flickflak

That may be why Australia has much higher traffic related death rates than the UK

[About10thusername]

Honestly? You sound like you're making it more difficult than it is.

[bonetiredwithtwins]

I fail to see why you can't look after your own children without your DH for all of 2 nights

[NumberTheory]

@Flickflak
And yet, despite having proportionally less city driving and more long distance than the UK, Australia has significantly higher fatality rates.

[goawaystormy]

I just feel it’s becoming such a thing to have a huge, lavish wedding and it’s a bit cheeky to expect guests to be able to afford to come

Except nowhere in your posts have you actually said it's lavish. Your problem is with the fact that it's far away but it's where they live, it's not like they're having a destination wedding. They probably have local friends who it would be inconvenient for it they had the wedding in your home town so they'd be upsetting someone.

Your work being difficult to take time off at this time of year is a weird complaint to have aswell. I'm not privy to the workings of any of my families industries and other than the obvious one of hospitality/Christmas would have no clue what time of year might be inconvenient for them.

You're having a moan about not being considered but it sounds like you have way too high expectations of how much you deserve to be considered. You aren't the only guests!

And for someone moaning so much about consideration you appear to have very little for them. Maybe consider the fact that it's their day and they may want to get married close to home so they can sleep in their own bed. Or the fact that they have multiple guests to think about when planning - not to mention squeezing in some of their own wants. Consideration works both ways and YABU to be this pissy because you perceive them to be inconsiderate

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

How may days for a 6 hour drive? Good grief anything less than 10nis 1 driver and done in one day, in my world.

[saltinesandcoffeecups]

10 Hours that is…

[RussiasGreatestLoveMachine]

‘Family time’ is not more precious than a sibling’s wedding.

I wouldn’t have missed DB’s wedding for the world, and I’d have taken a very dim view of DH not fully supporting me in attending.

Having said that, DB’s wedding was child-free, although he made an exception for his niece and nephew (our DC).

[HoppingPavlova]

And yet, despite having proportionally less city driving and more long distance than the UK, Australia has significantly higher fatality rates.

Not to derail but that’s correct and common sense. I thought we have a higher ratio of car ownership so even though we have less cars in total due to our lower population, the rate of ownership is higher so rate of accidents would be higher. The PP is right in that we drive long hours/distances but that’s not what accounts for the high rate of accidents. It’s the shit environment we drive in, poor roads not suited to the high rural speed limits, things like flash flooding and don’t even go there with kangaroos flying out in front of you, together with the usual universal stuff like fog, torrential rain, dust storms.

[cookiemonster2468]

How do you know that you are "expected" to go?

Receiving an invitation does not mean they actually are really bothered if you go. There are a lot of family politics around wedding invitations.

How close are you with them? (I know you say "close" but does this mean you have an actual close relationship or just that it's your sister/cousin or something?)

Presumably if you're close then you can talk to them and reach a compromise, and if you're not close, well they might even not be bothered and just have sent a "polite" invitation.

[strawberrydonuts]

"At a time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off..."

"... cost a small bloody fortune to have to make up time taken out of work..."

... So can you take time off or can't you?

If you actuallly want to then it sounds like you could make it work. Your relative is entitled to have their wedding where they want to have it, and to invite people who are close/ care about them in the hope that they will make every effort to attend.

Obviously if you can't, you can't, and they have to accept that especially if they put a condition like no children.

But if you don't want to go because it's a faff then just tell them that and don't go. Don't pretend you "can't", when actually you probably could, it would just be effort and expense. If you've got money and you are a very close relative then they are probably making an assumption that the cost wouldn't be too much of an issue for you.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@Spreadingtheword

Same, except I’m the bride.

Close family members have been caught talking.. not so highly of the time of year we’re getting married and the fact although it’s UK based it’s still ‘destination’ and over 4 days.. accommodation paid for by us as I don’t expect people to come or want to come if It means spending £.

However, I could not care less. It’s perfect for us, the fact they’ve botched about it has just left me with the bitter taste of “I’ll be £500 better off if you don’t come.. so don’t”

But I’m not allowed to know that they’ve been bitching, I’m apparently to just grin and bare it and wait to see what their response to the invite is. Hoorah for keeping the peace

I’m not surprised you’re being talked about. Most people don’t want to take annual leave and make a holiday out of someone else’s wedding. Is it one of those with games and events? They aren’t popular or enjoyable for most.

As for the op, your dh has to try to make it work and go alone. This is one event he shouldn’t miss.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

@XelaM

But people should not hold weekday childless weddings when their guests live hours away, work and have children!!

Nothing unreasonable about the OP. Maybe some posters on this thread have had similar weddings themselves. Just beware, your guests were not happy

I totally agree with this. Unfortunately for a lot of people, it is difficult to understand the bond and responsibility of parenting or why you can’t leave young children until you have them. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to have children when dh and I married. I’ve always loved kids. In saying that, not many had any at the time.

[KosherDill]

If they wanted guests from your locality they should have planned the wedding there & honeymooned at the destination.

[KosherDill]

@GooseberryBush12

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious. If the wedding had been at a weekend it would be so much easier for us both to go

His brother is his family, too.

[Play8063]

You're kidding right? It's his sibling, not "inconvenient". Stop being an arse.

[imoutofhere]

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

I think you're being really unreasonable and trying to find excuses.

You say you can't get holiday off this time of year and then you say you can under certain circumstances.

You then say you don't want to leave your kids this time of year. I'm unsure what difference the time of year makes as to why you don't want to leave them?

You then say they should consider others in their choice of destination. They've booked it near to where they live. They can't consider everyone. I'd love to go away for a long weekend to a wedding without the kids. It will be a nice break for you and your partner.

Don't go if you don't want to but stop making excuses!

[Totalwasteofpaper]

@XelaM

But people should not hold weekday childless weddings when their guests live hours away, work and have children!!

Nothing unreasonable about the OP. Maybe some posters on this thread have had similar weddings themselves. Just beware, your guests were not happy

This.

I am totally over dickhead weddings.
We based our wedding around who we wanted to be there as attendance was important.
I am happy to travel internationally to cousins weddings etc but again.. these are properly planned with guests in mind, transport accommodation etc is thought of - you fly Friday back Sunday eve)

A weekday wedding in a weird location is frankly garbage and we have no problem declining invites that are inconvenient.
My DH was invited to be best man at a wedding that involves everyone travelling 3-8 hours each way midweek to spend the day in a barn
They are surprised at all the declines because they gave people a lot of notice. 😂

That said OP, while it's annoying AF it's your BIL... you need to facilitate your DH going at the very least.