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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
LetsGoParty · 23/01/2022 00:46

I'd encourage your husband to go alone if he can get time of work. If he can't get time of work then all this angst'ing doesn't matter.

We've been in a very similar situation and have gone separately.

blakeway45 · 23/01/2022 00:47

Sounds like you don't want to go anyway.

Original poster
GooseberryBush12 · 23/01/2022 00:51

Thanks for the replies anyway, I will talk to him tomorrow and see what we can come up with on cheapest arrangements

I totally want to go too, my whole post was about surely if you want all the guests you’re inviting to be able to come, then to plan a wedding that most people will be able to afford and get to!

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 23/01/2022 00:54

They relocated. Difficult as it is, they're getting married local to them.

SezziBaybee · 23/01/2022 00:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

JeffThePilot · 23/01/2022 00:57

@GooseberryBush12

I absolutely do want to go, we cannot afford it, we have nobody who could look after the children and can’t take time off work.

I just feel it’s becoming such a thing to have a huge, lavish wedding and it’s a bit cheeky to expect guests to be able to afford to come.

Surely the costs of travel and accommodation will be the same no matter how “lavish” the wedding is?
Growuppeople · 23/01/2022 01:01

They have “relocated”. Why would they have the wedding near you?

saltinesandcoffeecups · 23/01/2022 01:02

Oh get over it Op, it’s not about you. You are being totally unreasonable about this.

Either make it work between the the two of you, send him and parent your children alone for 3 days, or tell them you can’t make and live with your decision.

But to blame them for making it inconvenient for you is taking the piss. Own your decision to not go as it’s your choice.

Stars1979 · 23/01/2022 01:03

Out of interest, you must have known this wedding was happening prior to the invite so it can't be a surprise re location and cost of overnight stay. Perhaps the time of the year and midweek maybe were? I think your view is clouded by the fact its difficult to organise re work, children etc.....which actually means the only solution is you can't go, which has probably annoyed you in itself. Take a few days to consider, there might be a solution after talking to work etc.

Growuppeople · 23/01/2022 01:06

And no I wouldn’t think about anyone else when planning my wedding you can come or you can’t… but I would expect my sibling there to be honest. I’m sure you can cope seeing as you do already?

saraclara · 23/01/2022 01:07

You're unreasonable in so many ways.

The bride and groom are getting married where they live. That's entirely reasonable of them.

You don't want your husband to go alone as family time is precious. Well it's his brother, ffs. HIS family.

You don't want to single parent for a few days. Well be glad you don't have to do it full time. And again, IT'S HIS BROTHER'S WEDDING.

I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.
Do you want me to yell in capital letters again? It's not A wedding. It's HIS BROTHER'S.

Crazycrazylady · 23/01/2022 01:07

Honestly you're coming off as totally unreasonable here

  1. They're getting married near their home, it's not a destination wedding to them just because you have to travel.
  2. Not being able to sacrifice a few days of 'family time' for a siblings wedding seems very unreasonable to me
3 your dh should go on his own to save money if it's tight and he could do it on one overnight only if it came to it ,
  1. I worry about an adult that feels unable to cope with minding their own children on their own for a few days .Shock
  2. It's totally not all about what's most convenient for you so decline if you want to saying you can't afford it or can't cope but don't expect the sibling not to think less of ye.
Cameleongirl · 23/01/2022 01:08

@Shakeynf

Your Dh needs to speak to his brother ASAP and you need to leave them to it. If it’s mid week and he’d be away anyway it’s not really likely to impinge on general family life. Your Dh needs to see what he can sort re leave etc. and you need to leave him to it.
This ^^ Your DH can let his brother know that he's seeing how much time he can get off work and it'll definitely only be him attending as you really can't both go due to childcare. He's doing the best he can in awkward circumstances.

I do sympathize, one of DH's siblings is going to have a big celebration abroad in the autumn (not a wedding) and I know she'll want us all to go, but we simply can't as it's in September and the children will just be back at school. DH might be able to go alone, but that's it. It is what it is.

TheSmallAssassin · 23/01/2022 01:15

@Spreadingtheword

Same, except I’m the bride.

Close family members have been caught talking.. not so highly of the time of year we’re getting married and the fact although it’s UK based it’s still ‘destination’ and over 4 days.. accommodation paid for by us as I don’t expect people to come or want to come if It means spending £.

However, I could not care less. It’s perfect for us, the fact they’ve botched about it has just left me with the bitter taste of “I’ll be £500 better off if you don’t come.. so don’t”

But I’m not allowed to know that they’ve been bitching, I’m apparently to just grin and bare it and wait to see what their response to the invite is. Hoorah for keeping the peace Hmm

I dunno, isn't a four day wedding a bit self indulgent? If it's perfect for you, okay, but isn't it perfect for just you and no-one else? And if it's only about you, then why invite anyone else?
Cameleongirl · 23/01/2022 01:23

@Spreadingtheword

Same, except I’m the bride.

Close family members have been caught talking.. not so highly of the time of year we’re getting married and the fact although it’s UK based it’s still ‘destination’ and over 4 days.. accommodation paid for by us as I don’t expect people to come or want to come if It means spending £.

However, I could not care less. It’s perfect for us, the fact they’ve botched about it has just left me with the bitter taste of “I’ll be £500 better off if you don’t come.. so don’t”

But I’m not allowed to know that they’ve been bitching, I’m apparently to just grin and bare it and wait to see what their response to the invite is. Hoorah for keeping the peace Hmm

I'd love to attend a four-day wedding free of charge! But, it's a whole different matter when you've got children and it's during termtime or a busy period at work. Sometimes it's simply not going to work...although if I could arrange childcare and I wasn't flat out at work, I'd be there like a shot. Grin

Have a lovely wedding!

Alexandria94 · 23/01/2022 01:35

@SelkieQualia

You don't want your husband to go to his brother's wedding just because you don't want to parent by yourself for a little bit? Sorry, you are being very very unreasonable.
Yep. This. Very bratty to say that DH can't go because you'll miss a couple of days of family time. Wow.

It's his sibling. I'm sure you can manage for a couple of days on your own. And try to do it without pulling your face and making him feel bad about attending a close family wedding.

He needs to request the time off and you need to get over yourself a little.

Chattycatty · 23/01/2022 01:38

It's his brother!!! He should go you'll manage a weekend if you manage all week. 🙄

ClassicsBelle · 23/01/2022 01:38

Hopefully you can find a way to go with your husband or for him to just go. It’s his brother’s wedding, that’s not something to miss. It is a big deal.

Think about the future. You will have wanted to have made the effort.
Did he come to your wedding?

XelaM · 23/01/2022 01:40

I agree OP. I also find the new trend of childless weddings that require expensive overnight stays totally tacky and selfish

Lockdownbear · 23/01/2022 01:45

If it was a cousin or friend I'd say no decline it.

Siblings totally different I think you should both be there even if it means taking a babysitter with you.

I would ask about an exception for the children since they are the Grooms neice / nephew

Flickflak · 23/01/2022 01:55

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Flickflak · 23/01/2022 01:56

This reply has been withdrawn

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NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 02:06

But it’s where the couple live. Very different to a destination wedding.

It's also mid-week and childfree when the majority of their guest list will need to travel 5+ hours each way. So while it's not a destination wedding for the bride and groom it's still a wedding that is expecting a lot more of guests than is normal or reasonable to expect.

SarahBellam · 23/01/2022 02:06

He needs to go. It’s his sibling.

Nancydrawn · 23/01/2022 02:07

I'm afraid I agree with the majority, OP.

If you can't make it, that's unfortunate, but your husband should do everything he can to go to his brother's wedding. It may well be a once-in-a-lifetime event, and unless there's a dripfeed coming, you can take care of the children for the weekend. You're not unreasonable to be annoyed, but you are collectively very unreasonable not to try to facilitate it.