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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Declining wedding invite

435 replies

GooseberryBush12 · 22/01/2022 23:24

I’ve name changed for this. So we’ve been invited to a very close relatives wedding, which is a good five-six hour drive away from us, at the time of year when DH or I are not allowed to take time off and we had two young children who are not invited.

I know weddings are about the bride and groom but AIBU to think that if you want guests to come to your wedding, you should perhaps consider them a little?!

It’s not going to go down well at all when we tell them we cannot come. It would mean a two night stay, trying to arrange childcare, I don’t even want to leave our young children at this time of year, cost a small bloody fortune and have to make up time taken out of work when it’s already hard to fit work around the kids. I’m actually really irritated that they haven’t considered the guests at all, most of whom live the same distance away as we do

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 05:33

DH & I had families at opposite ends of the country and indeed sideways - we got married where we lived - it wasn't convenient for everyone - but what do you do? Wherever we had chosen would have been harder for someone. Our budget was modest and we did have a couple who declined because of cost ( very nicely & I was sorry not to see them but I knew the reason ) but realistically ( and this was not a destination wedding - it was in the UK - on train lines ) we were going to get married & DR Who aside we could not do it in all places people / family lived. As we were paying for it we chose where we lived so harder for some , easier for others. BUT we were utterly prepared for people to say no.

UnsuitableHat · 23/01/2022 05:41

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable not to go. I would give them (perhaps in a softer form!) the reasons you’ve outlined on this thread.

GiltEdges · 23/01/2022 06:18

I’m not guilt tripping him about anything but as he works away, family time is precious

Your DH had a brother long before he had a family with you. He's also his family. Step back and let him go alone, then there's nothing to "sort" to ensure you can go, just your own feelings.

NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 06:19

Look I’ll only respond this last time to not derail the thread but you really have no idea what you are talking about. The vast majority of Australians live in cities and drive in cities and our public transport is average so the majority of driving is….. in cities. Guess where most of the accidents are? Sadly in Australia a significant amount of road fatalities are pedestrians (cities), cyclists (mainly cities as bikes are banned on freeways) and motor bikes.
In any case the suggestion that you can’t drive six hours for a sibling’s wedding is ridiculous. The OP is being incredibly selfish.

Encouraging people who don't do it for a living to drive two long drives on consecutive days is dangerous.

Your "it's city driving that kills us, look at all the pedestrian deaths" claim does not hold up. Pedestrians and cyclists made up around 17% of Australian road traffic deaths in 2020. In contrast, in the UK it's around 26%.

More accidents happen in cities. But accidents that happen on long fast roads are more likely to end in fatalities. And driving those long distances when you are not at your best (such as when you aren't used to it, especially if you did a similar drive the day before or when you've just been to a big party) is not great from a road safety perspective.

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 06:25

One more point I do not think you are unreasonable not to go as a family if it is too expensive - if it were me I would let DH go to his brother's wedding on his own and just cope with a couple more days looking after the DC's on my own - I think that is a reasonable compromise. 2 days seems OK to me if he can go to his brother's wedding ( assuming not practical for you both to go)

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2022 06:30

In fairness @NumberTheory if op’s dh works away from home, he may be used to a long drive and going on motorways. I used to live abroad and was on motorways most days. This 6 hour drive would not have phased me at all. I’d not be able to do the do it these days.

As for the return leg after the party, only he knows if it would be safe. Some people are able to get a decent night’s sleep in a hotel and not everyone drinks like a fish. I do agree, however, it is not good to presume everyone is capable of doing that long drive two days in a row with a long day and party in between.

PurBal · 23/01/2022 06:35

Until you mentioned it was a sibling I was thinking “decline decline”. You and the kids don’t need to go but DH does. And ideally you do too.

NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 06:54

@Mummyoflittledragon

In fairness *@NumberTheory* if op’s dh works away from home, he may be used to a long drive and going on motorways. I used to live abroad and was on motorways most days. This 6 hour drive would not have phased me at all. I’d not be able to do the do it these days.

As for the return leg after the party, only he knows if it would be safe. Some people are able to get a decent night’s sleep in a hotel and not everyone drinks like a fish. I do agree, however, it is not good to presume everyone is capable of doing that long drive two days in a row with a long day and party in between.

Some people may well be up for it. If OP actually works as a van driver, or her DH is used to long drives on consecutive days and adding in an extra 12 hours of driving over two days is nothing to him, it may be a reasonable thing to attempt. But most people, even those who work away, don't drive that much on consecutive days. I'm just saying that people who think they need an extra day in between two long drives aren't just looking for excuses.
Powertoyou · 23/01/2022 06:54

Imagine if it was was wedding and you were told that a sibling could not attend your wedding because the partner couldn’t cope with looking after their children for 2 days?

tara66 · 23/01/2022 06:57

I think you should help your husband go and stop moaning anyway.

rwalker · 23/01/2022 06:59

@GooseberryBush12

It’s DH’s sibling who relocated a few years ago so none of their family live near the wedding location. We are not supposed to take time off work at this time but it can be negotiated for certain occasions, not sure that my work would see it as a reason to request three days off.

DH could go by himself but this is also not particularly convenient as I’m alone with the kids all week due to him working away, so if he was to get time off work I’d rather he was at home helping me not travelling across the country for a wedding.

It's his sisters wedding if you can't look after your own kids for a few extra days so he can go to his sisters wedding it's a poor do .
londonrach · 23/01/2022 07:05

As his sibling he needs to go. He goes on his own. You stay at home with the children.

Theglums · 23/01/2022 07:10

Everyone saying family important so he should go but the grooms family aren’t important enough to be invited-his own nieces/nephews.
I’m all for peoples choices of child free weddings but the family being important is a two way street

MimiDaisy11 · 23/01/2022 07:10

It is a hassle but it’s (hopefully) a one time thing. I do think the couple should consider needs of guests though but quite often no matter where you choose someone will find it difficult.

Also the OP has only said “sibling” but so many posts have chosen if it’s a brother or sister 😂

GoodnightGrandma · 23/01/2022 07:13

Just don’t go.
It’s an invitation, not an ultimatum.

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 07:15

I don't think this is a thread about driving - it is about a DH going to a sibling's wedding - either find a way you all can go or make up your mind you can do some more looking after children so your husband can go to his sister's wedding. Making those 2 /3 days about you / can't look after your children I think is a bit selfish. I am sure Dh will do his bit in return . If it turns out you can all go - all to the good, But given it isn't Hawaii I reckon the couple have not been completely unreasonable.

I am with @rwalker - poor do if you can't let Dh go to his sister's wedding because a couple of days looking after children - DH used to go on extended work trips , as did I , we just coped. I know that sound trite but really if Dh had wanted to go to his sister's wedding & impractical for me to go - would I have stopped him - not a way in the world.

OLP2019 · 23/01/2022 07:16

You're totally unreasonable it's his siblings wedding! You don't have to go or take time off work or inconvenience yourself all you need to do is take care of your kids for?- couple of days. You really should do that without conditions

WhatNoRaisins · 23/01/2022 07:17

I don't think the location sounds unreasonable, it's where they live and it's going to be easier to plan a wedding that's local to you.

That said if it's inconvenient and doesn't work then fair enough. It's all well and good saying it's his brother and family is important but as your kids aren't invited it doesn't sound like family is that important to the couple. You've got good reasons to decline.

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 07:19

(I have chosen to say sister - same would apply if brother ) @MimiDaisy11 Grin

OLP2019 · 23/01/2022 07:21

Don't be a dick let your husband go to his siblings wedding

Ovenaffray · 23/01/2022 07:21

They’re getting married local to them. It’s not like they’ve picked a random place or a destination wedding.

If your DH works away all week anyway then you have routines in place to cope with him not being there.

Send him on his own for the few days.

Or ask your work. You might find they’re ok with the time off for a siblings wedding.

BasiliskStare · 23/01/2022 07:23

@OLP2019 - has put it so much more succinctly than I have Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2022 07:23

@NumberTheory
I agree with you there.

Joystir59 · 23/01/2022 07:26

You have three good friends. You have three good friends. This is wonderful! It is enough. It is more than many have. Go and celebrate and enjoy your lovely meal with your true friends and let go of the rest.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/01/2022 07:26

I mostly agree with you, OP.
I had a Friday wedding because it wasn't possible to organised a weekend in the time frame it needed to be - but I called all the people I really wanted to be there to see WHICH Friday they would be able to take off, and gave them maximum notice (given the time frame). Very few people had to travel very far, and nearly everyone invited was able to come.

Yes, the day is for the bride and groom but if you want people you love to be there, then you do have to be a bit considerate about their needs too!