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Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

463 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 14:54

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

OP posts:
Isseywith3witchycats · 22/01/2022 15:02

Just be there when she gets to yours and yes she has done the right thing

MatildaTheCat · 22/01/2022 15:05

He lies and he gambles.

Enough. Just support her, it won’t improve.

Snuggledupforwinter · 22/01/2022 15:06

Online gambling, the ongoing lies and deceit and erosion of trust is awful. All you can do is support her through whatever they decide to do about their marriage. Until he accepts he has a gambling problem and seeks help itwill be difficult for her to see a way forward.

HabitsDieHard · 22/01/2022 15:08

I'm glad your daughter has someone she can turn to. I would advise her to contact an agency who offer support to families of gambling addicts, and take it from there.
Also, move any money that her husband has access to as quickly as she can.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 22/01/2022 15:10

He’s an addict. He will always lie and twist things around so it’s her fault; it’s what they do. Don’t try and seek to justify your DD; he’s talking shite and she is well off out of this marriage. Just be there for her as the voice of calm reason because living with an addict is massive head fuck.

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2022 15:10

He’s addicted to gambling. Nothing else is as important
If he starts borrowing from people in his squad and not paying it back or doing anything dodgy to get money then he could lose his job too.
Sounds like he will sooner or later destroy himself but the question is will your daughter allow him to destroy her too or will she escape (with your help)?
Thank God she’s got you

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 22/01/2022 15:11

Support your daughter. He does not sound like a good husband. I can't honestly see what you're conflicted about here.

HippoRaine · 22/01/2022 15:11

There's an awful lot of specific detail in this post, are you sure your daughter would be ok with her personal life being shared on a huge website like this?

SavoyCabbage · 22/01/2022 15:12

Don't criticise him in case she goes back to him. Hard though that will be!

Channel Oprah and repeat back what she's said so she knows you've heard her.

Help her with practical things. Tell her she can always come back 'home' no matter what.

pilates · 22/01/2022 15:12

I’m presuming it was 3K he spent first.

He has an addiction and needs to sort himself out. I’m sure the army would take a very dim view on this. I think she’s doing the right thing moving out. How devastating for you both.

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 15:12

She has broken down and told me and my husband lots of things and we knew none of it. He only wanted sex with her 5 times in the first year of marriage, which I find very strange. She had a ceramic pot in which she saved money for a holiday and there was about £200 in £1 coins in. He stole that money and I suspect, although I have no proof that this was spent at the bookies as well.

He has shown her his current account and told her he has not bet for a month and she said it is clear to see. I am quite scared that she will be in the military house with him whilst she works her notice.

This whole thing is a mess. I am sitting here right now and I feel physically sick. I'm old enough to know she will get over this but right now I am not sure what to do. I know I have to listen to her but would it be alright to say how i feel should I say how I feel.
His father has just phoned my husband as he had got 3 strange texts from * and my husband did not hold back and told him everything. To say he was shocked was an understatement.

*post edited by MNHQ to remove identifying details.

OP posts:
Holothane · 22/01/2022 15:13

Support as she divorces him this marriage is dead he’s done it with lies and gambling hugs to both of you.

HippoRaine · 22/01/2022 15:13

Ok you've named him now? You might want to get some of this edited by MNHQ

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 15:14

@HippoRaine

There's an awful lot of specific detail in this post, are you sure your daughter would be ok with her personal life being shared on a huge website like this?
Yes she is ... she wanted unbiased opinion!
OP posts:
Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 15:14

@HippoRaine

Ok you've named him now? You might want to get some of this edited by MNHQ
False name!
OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 22/01/2022 15:16

sounds as if she was lucky there was money there to move out of the joint account.
If she is "in bits" is she safe to be driving? I'm not suggesting she shouldn't leave and get back to yours, but is there a friend close by that she could visit until she is feeling a bit calmer before a long drive?

LatteLady · 22/01/2022 15:17

Look after you daughter, but I would suggest getting in touch with either his commanding officer or a welfare officer to explain what is happening and that it might be sensible to keep an eye on him whilst he appears to be in a fragile mental state.

HippoRaine · 22/01/2022 15:17

Ok sorry to bang on but I know how small a world the military is so if the locations are accurate they could be easily identified. I'm assuming you've also changed these if you've changed names etc especially as there's details about his financial conduct and sexual performance!

I hope your girl is doing as well as can be expected, she has done the right thing Flowers

PriamFarrl · 22/01/2022 15:17

You haven’t mentioned children, which helps.
Get her back to yours, divorce him and move on with her life.

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 15:18

@HippoRaine

Ok sorry to bang on but I know how small a world the military is so if the locations are accurate they could be easily identified. I'm assuming you've also changed these if you've changed names etc especially as there's details about his financial conduct and sexual performance!

I hope your girl is doing as well as can be expected, she has done the right thing Flowers

False locations as well.
OP posts:
Lolalovesroses · 22/01/2022 15:19

Just support her, to do what's best for her. I doubt anyone would recommending staying with him. He needs to get better first, seek help for his addiction in order to change, then possibly they could rekindled their relationship.
Why does she have to live there whilst she works her notice? In the circumstances a friend from the hospital would probably let her stay with them.

Suzanne999 · 22/01/2022 15:21

Addicts lie and cheat to feed their addiction. Doesn’t matter if it’s drugs, alcohol or gambling, that addiction needs to be fed.
Addiction makes the addict incredibly selfish. Their needs come first over everyone’s, even their children.
Your daughter is better off leaving him. She’ll never be able to trust him again,
Regarding working her notice I’m sure a doctor would sign her off with stress and she can use that time as notice.
All you can do is support her.

Wingedharpy · 22/01/2022 15:24

I'm with @SavoyCabbage. Resist the urge to slag him off, hard though that will be (and probably quite justified under the circumstances). If she does return to him and you've expressed what a low life he is, next time, and there will be a next time if she goes back, she may be reluctant to look to you for support fearing "I told you so" - type comments. Does she have to go back to the military house to work her notice? Could she take some sick leave/unpaid leave/ compassionate leave instead? Would an Airbnb be an option?

Nannyamc · 22/01/2022 15:25

Thank god she is home seen this played out in distant family. Went on for 10 yrs despite treatment 3 times. Borrowed from everyone took out loans in wifes name. Lost house marriage kids family. Left wife parents and siblings with enormous debt. No-one knows where he is or cares. A tragedy get her support and help to stay away

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 15:27

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.

OP posts: