Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

[Icecreamlover63]

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

Billy1966 how lovely of you to post a message. Thank you.
This all happened a year ago! I can’t believe it really the time has flown by. I’m ok and so is DD.

She did hear from SIL but all he did was gloat about how great his life was. I hope he is not gambling. He only went to 2 gamblers anonymous meetings and only had 6 weeks of counselling. With such little intervention I am not sure it would help with his difficulties and that is very sad. The Military were fantastic they had experienced the lies (like DD). They had been in the end of his deceit and manipulation as well. I know this wouldn’t have gone down well, because they told DD they weren’t happy at all. His Padre phoned us to reassure us that SIL would not be posted anywhere near us. According to my friends he has swamped social media of photos of him and his new girlfriend. But I know the real person behind the photos and I also know how manipulative he is.

Her divorce came through in November. In the last year she has been travelling through Italy with her new boyfriend she is also going skiing in February with him. Most importantly she is relaxed and very happy. In May she got a new nursing role and it’s a promotion with a good pay rise. She lost over a stone in weight and looks amazing.

I have learnt so much in the last year. I couldn’t have done it without lots of help from people on here. I simply can’t thank you all enough xxx

Oh I really am so delighted to read that all is well.

It was SO hard on you and took so much out of you.
I'm so glad you have some peace again in your life.

Your daughter was extraordinarily lucky to have such a wonderful steadfast mother support her leaving this highly manipulative gambler, that undoubtedly would have dragged her down.

He is still lying and avoiding dealing with his addiction.

Thank goodness this is no longer your problem.

Another thread has opened where a nice mum is devastated to find her daughter is going to stand by a boyfriend who has blown his house deposit on gambling.

Just devastating to find out about your precious childs partner.

The poor woman is understandably aghast but now being painted as the bad guy.

A hard road.

@KettrickenSmiled rightly linked your thread as a good read for the poor mother.

God help her and how helpless family can feel when their loved ones won't be told.

You were so lucky that your daughter was bright enough to want to save herself.

So many don't.

Best regards to you both, Billy

She did hear from SIL but all he did was gloat about how great his life was.
😂This has as much basis in fact as his performative Facebook photos.

I hope he is not gambling. He only went to 2 gamblers anonymous meetings and only had 6 weeks of counselling.
He's still gambling then.

Delighted to hear this is all behind you now & DD is doing so well.

KettrickenSmiled How lovely to hear from you. It’s been a long hard road and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
There are no words to adequately describe gambling addiction. This type of addiction hurts so many. The lies spread so far and the trust dissipates quickly.
At first I felt so hurt and used As all of my family loved SIL like he was one of our own. But I soon realised I was in good company as SIL lied to the Army as well.

I always say to people who ask, the following:-
SIL was a lovely man with a horrible addiction which in turn changed him to a horrible man!

There are no words adequate to express my thanks for everyone’s help.

Oh I'm so glad to read that she's happy and doing so well. And you, too. You've all 'survived your SiL' and come out with flags flying.

Of course he's swamping SM with his new GF! He has to prove to the world he 'won', doesn't he? But we know who the 'winner' is and it's not him.

I pity the GF, it's so hard to see a 'fellow-female' in a situation one knows is a disaster waiting to happen. And I'm sure he's learnt even more 'tricks' to hide his gambling since your DD wised up to him.

AcrossthePond55 I agree with you.
My DD has kept every bank statement, every letter from him and the military. DD said she is almost certain that one day she will be contacted through social media by a thwarted GF. She said she would just show them the facts.

I feel sad for ex SIL too because addiction is just horrible and it changes people.

when he swamps social media with photos of his new GF it is to make himself feel better.

Smart girl! And it wouldn't surprise me one bit if the gf contacted her somewhere down the line! TBH, I think it should be mandatory to meet with the ex(es) for a 'debrief'! (Not really)

I know some exes would lie until they were blue in the face about the 'psycho ex' if they spoke to a new partner, and so one would have to sort the wheat from the chaff. But it just might give the new partner reason to take pause, or give some things to 'store away' for possible future reference. I think this might be especially good if someone has multiple exes.

So here is a thing!
I need a little advice.
DD is happy hasn’t heard from ex son in law for a while. Has found herself with a very nice lad who has no issues is completely honest and kind. They are going travelling for 5 months and have booked and paid for it. He works hard has a lovely family. They all love her and he is besotted with her.

SHE IS SO SCARED THAT BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL SOMETHING IS GOING TO GO WRONG!
Honestly you could have knocked me over with a feather. I’m stumped 🤔 how on earth do you help, advise or even understand this. She did all the right things after she left her husband she went to counselling a few times. Went out and enjoyed herself. Got herself a new job and then met her new BF.

they have been and infact are very happy. I’ve never experienced some of the situations she went through so I don’t know how to help.
please could one of you lovely ladies help me to help her.
thank you x

@Icecreamlover63 therapy to help with self esteem and trust issues following her bad experience with her ex. She needs to believe she is worthy of happiness herself.

How long was she single before meeting this new bloke and how long has she known him before agreeing to go travelling for 5 months?

I mean, some of them did, you know that, right? Lots of terrible behaviour from veterans with untreated MH problems. My mother’s uncle being one.

Good evening she has known him a long time as his family don’t live that far from us. So she knew of him. She met him six months after breaking up and had been seeing him for just over a year and then they thought the mortgage rate is so high let’s go and see New Zealand and Australia first. X

Your daughter needs to go back to therapy. My daughter was in a very manipulative relationship. She was constantly told that she was very lucky he bothered with her, that she wasn't nearly as good looking as people said, that people thought she was a prostitute, she was putting on weight, she wasn't half as intelligent as him. She's a stunning looking girl who did some modelling, she was actually underweight, she was a virgin when she met him and she graduated with first class honours whereas he got a significantly lower grade. It broke my heart to see my precious daughter nearly destroyed. The first consultation with her therapist, the therapist said one sentence that has stayed with my daughter. "You were in an abusive relationship". After working with the therapist for months now I have my daughter back. It often needs someone outside to get through to them. Your daughter is worth so much and is loved by many, hopefully she will realise this.