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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

463 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 14:54

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

OP posts:
mummykel16 · 22/01/2022 17:19

@TheWeeDonkey

IME addicts lie and they are always the victim and its always someone else's fault / responsibility that their life is in the toilet. The only difference between gambling addicts and drug addicts or alcoholics is there is no rock bottom. The body can only take so much abuse but a gambler will find money wherever and however they can.

He'll destroy your daughter if she let's him and he'll think nothing of it.

Well said.
Hugoslavia · 22/01/2022 17:21

Just be there for her. Don't run him down too much in case they resolve things, but make sure she knows not to have children with him until this has been resolved for many years. Ideally she will realise that she needs to leave him sooner rather than later.

Andouillette · 22/01/2022 17:23

For goodness sake, offer your poor daughter your absolute and unqualified support. Your feelings about your SIL are unimportant at this point. If you truly are concerned for his welfare notify hs OC and the base padre then separate yourself from him and his doings. No need to slag him off (though I would, to a limited extent) just listen to your poor child and agree with her, it's not bloody rocket science.

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 17:24

Well I’m here in London and she has gone to get her bits.

Just on this site I did love my son in law but seeing the sadness he has bought my daughter that has disappeared. It’s taken her to walk out for him to stop his online betting accounts for 5 years but I my humble opinion he could still go to the betting shops.
My Daughter told me on the phone she is on her way back now. I do not want to get involved in her rely and cannot understand why on earth his father is. She is an adult and is very capable of sorting this out herself. If she needs anything we will be here for her but I have no intention of ringing him. I just hope this makes him realise he needs help and support.

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 22/01/2022 17:25

Whether she has made the right decision is not for us or you to decide. You can support her without needing any validation of who is right and who is wrong. The only questions that need to be asked are if she is safe and has protected her finances.
Gambling is very much frowned upon in the military. It sounds like he's reaching the stage where it will come to the attention of the chain of command.

Hawkins001 · 22/01/2022 17:26

When it comes to gambling, the house usually always wins, all the best op for your daughter, hope she rebuilds and finds a better partner.

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 17:29

My husband is ringing him tonight and will put the record straight.

OP posts:
Sparklebrandy · 22/01/2022 17:31

So sorry your family is going through this, my ex was in the army - gambling addiction that lead to frustration when he lost - he took this out on me and was violent, made my life a misery for years. She's doing the right thing, gambling is very common among soldiers - lots of it use it as a way of forgetting about things they have seen, however doesnt excuse it x

LeroyJenkinssss · 22/01/2022 17:35

I’m sorry if I’m just not reading your tone right but are you saying you don’t want to be involved and would prefer for your dd to sort this out herself and not come down to you? When you say you don’t want to say your true feelings is it because you dislike him intensely or that you feel she should stay with him?

Westerman · 22/01/2022 17:36

Can she speak to Army welfare about having her husband moved back into barracks while she stays in the house if she really must work out her notice? The Army have seen separation situations loads of times so ask for advice.

She's doing the right thing to leave and it's great that she had such support in her parents.

SofiaSoFar · 22/01/2022 17:48

@Icecreamlover63

My husband is ringing him tonight and will put the record straight.
How old is your daughter? Confused
TempName01 · 22/01/2022 17:49

If I was the mum in your situation I would be advising my daughter to divorce. No sitting on the fence, her life will not be happy if she remains with a gambling addict, you need to be clear with her and support her to leave him.

Dalalalada · 22/01/2022 17:53

Divorce.
Nothing to love about this prick help her to move on before they have any children.

Itsnotalwaysme · 22/01/2022 17:56

OK so. My ex stole my money, emptied my savings, the lot. He was only upset when he was caught.

He didn't care about the problems he was causing, the debt I was getting into, he cared that he was caught.

I repeat that to myself all the time for clarity and reassurance that I did the right thing.

My question....is he just unhappy that he's caught? Or because of the distress he is causing his wife?

One is solvable...

MarshmallowSwede · 22/01/2022 17:58

I’m tired of people using mental health for poor behavior. Your son in law does not get excuse his gambling and mistreatment of your daughter on mental health.

knittingaddict · 22/01/2022 18:01

She is 100% in the right and you should tell her so.

sandgrown · 22/01/2022 18:03

If he gets in debt and could be open to blackmail he will lose his job. Yo save his marriage he needs to get treatment for his addiction if you daughter wants to try of course .

GreekGod · 22/01/2022 18:06

Thank goodness they don't have children. Gambling is an addiction. Gamblers don't stop unless they get help. We had a very close family member over 25 years ago who ended up just gambling everything away (as he kept thinking he will win that last bet and never gamble again) where my poor aunt who worked all the hours to keep a roof over their heads lost her home and ended up in a social housing with my lovely cousins. She never divorced him for years due to the social stigma back then in our community. Thank goodness that doesn't exist today. Get your poor daughter out of that awful situation and don't look back.

MondayYogurt · 22/01/2022 18:06

He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.

So he has a gambling problem, I don't see why that would mean he gets to treat her like this. Surely plenty of problem gamblers don't become abusive recluses.

Flipflopblowout · 22/01/2022 18:06

She can speak to the regimental welfare officer and explain the problems that she is having with him. At least they will have an idea of what is happening if he goes to his O.C. I wouldn't hold out much hope of him reforming, he needs to hit rock bottom first and he won't do that as long as she is willing to pick up the pieces each time. Convince your daughter to get her own bank account as soon as possible and stand firm and not bail him out. Its not a good situation but at least she has found out before she married h.

knittingaddict · 22/01/2022 18:07

@Icecreamlover63

My husband is ringing him tonight and will put the record straight.
Why on earth is your husband ringing him? What records need putting straight?

The only thing you need to do is support your child, tell her well done for getting out and give her all the help she needs to rebuild her life. You may love him. but your judgement sounds off and he sounds horrible.

I speak from experince as my daughter left her horrible ex too. We were there with a car as soon as she needed us and ignored her ex husband's messages. It's the only thing to do.

ESGdance · 22/01/2022 18:22

My Daughter has just ring and his dad has been in the phone having a go at her.

Wow her FIL is verbally abusing her? The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. His gambling addiction is one thing but his emotional violence - stonewalling her, freezing her out for weeks and then shouting at her is another level of vileness to add to the lies, gaslighting, disrespect and theft that his entrenched addiction has already brought to their relationship.

You seem cautious about having an opinion on their relationship - which is totally appropriate in a healthy situation - but here you need to support her by speaking up - don’t let your silence be interpreted as expecting her to put up and shut up.

Talk about his behaviours the addictions as being unacceptable if you don’t want to use his name. “Its not acceptable to behave like that to anyone in any relationship” etc

Keep calm and supportive. She needs to move right out of this emotionally abusive relationship and she doesn’t have to take any abuse from her volatility FIL.

Nikkic2123 · 22/01/2022 18:26

It’s anonymous!
Your comment is unhelpful!

MotherofTerriers · 22/01/2022 18:27

He may well have opened another account to gamble with. That may be why he transferred money to friends. Or he may have owed them gambling money. Please reassure her that she has done the right thing

KaptainKaveman · 22/01/2022 18:28

She needs to take the fucking money and run. And you need to help her. Stop indulging this thieving addict. Stop saying how much you love him FGS. Please.

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