Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

[Icecreamlover63]

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

I'm glad to see that your DD is moving on and forward with the divorce. Of course he would try tactics to get her back under his thumb - good for her, not falling for any of them.
Now he's trying to hurt her - financially, emotionally - because he's lost control.

So she does need to block him - as has been said, create a new email that's for his use only, if she absolutely HAS to maintain contact for any reason (what, though?) and block him on EVERYTHING else. The rest of you too. No one needs to talk to him any more. He's done, finito.

Does she have a decent solicitor to help with the divorce? If he continues to attempt to harass, then a cease and desist notice might help. But I think she has to clearly tell him to stop bothering her first, before one can be issued.

Hopefully this will all be over soon; with a bit of luck, he won't prolong the divorce, if he's already got a new victim girlfriend, and she can be shot of him.

ignore this post, OP. Not helpful! It’s what’s mumsnet is for.. I never understand the point of these ‘should you have posted what you’ve already posted’ comments.

i think your daughter is doing the right thing.. very hard choice. Agree with previous comments he is an addict & a liar. He’s hurling around horrible comments as he is getting closer to being caught out for this behaviour and knows he’s in the s*. She will be better off out of it. Good luck to her xxxx

KettrickenSmiled · 06/05/2022 01:56
If she wants him to stop, she has to be the one to stop it.

At some point all of you are going to have to reach the point where he just 'ceases to exist'. The sooner the better.

Brilliant, Pond. Please take heed icecream x

I do recognise you, he is blocked by everyone we know. He phoned her on our house phone from his mates mobile so we didn’t recognise the number. He was so nasty even to the new girl. I unfortunately can see history repeating itself. He has apparently told her family he likes to bet but has never told them the extent. He has also said he just fell out of love. ALL LIES!

Id just block the sister in law, frankly it has absolutely nothing to do with her.

by replying/acknowledging her you are giving her power to believe she is involved in the relationship breakdown.

communicate with the ex husband via email only and if things escalate advise the army.

He’s an addict. If she doesn’t separate finances everything will be gone. He’ll have many more debts that he’s hiding.

Sure there are decent soldiers but anecdotally I have several clients who sound like your Dd (smart capable lovely young women) who are divorcing soldiers who have behaved very badly and are rubbish husbands and fathers. Going to advise my two teen girls to steer clear.

Oh Icecream, you must be exhausted from this.

Excellent advice above.

Block him everywhere.
Contact his CO and tell about the harassment.
Believe nothing from him.

If your daughter can get on with out the furniture, then she should.

Give him nothing and expect nothing.

The HUGE positive is that she is not crying or missing him.

THAT is the most important thing.

This is who he is, a nasty, abusive addict.

Expect nothing and you will not be disappointed.

But contact his CO and tell the truth.

He needs reining in, this is the responsibility of his CO.

Take care, you are getting there.
She is so lucky to have you.

It's escalated to verbal assault now whenever she challenges him.

Yes, he clearly has a problem gambling but he is also becoming increasingly aggressive towards her.

Get her to pack her things and bring her home. She deserves significantly better.

I am contacting them today. I’m hoping this is the end of it now. We all feel so stupid for being taken in by his lies. Dd will be ok she has counselling booked up. She is very strong SIL asked if he could ring her in three months time when the divorce goes through (goodness only knows why). She said very clearly. ‘I never want to speak to you ever! I have done nothing wrong to hurt you ans you have destroyed my trust in people and made me feel worthless’. He cried I heard him. She was not crying at all. She cut him off and just shouted ‘what a w*€r! I have no doubt that with the new job, with the counselling, with her amazing friends and with the new man she will be ok. He has found his next victim and I feel so sorry for her. He confirmed he is betting again last night on the phone and I heard it myself. He also told dd lots of others things we know are not true at all. Honestly this has been a bloody eye opener!

Delighted Dd has filed for the divorce
All his requests to wait are undoubtedly to facilitate his life in some way. With regard to house or barracks /job/pay.
She gas been abused terribly
She needs to put herself first, & act accordingly.
I hope the army step in & he gets what he deserves

FYI, "Son" and "Sister" both begin with the same letter.

Hope this helps.

The thread has massively moved on, the DD has filed for divorce.

Just be there for her. My adult daughter left her abusive partner and came back home for a year to sort her finance out, her partner had run up huge credit card bills in her name.
Five years later she has a lovely new partner and they bought there first home together last year.

his parents have asked if she could delay the divorce so SIL could transfer to a house as married quarters.

well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Let's hope the new girl runs a mile soon.

I'm so glad your dd is out of it icecreamlover

Don't feel stupid.
You didn't know the truth.
You do now.
So does your daughter.

Tell the CO he has confirmed that he is gambling and he is verbally abusing and harassing your family.

Tell the CO, you won't hesitate to go public and involve the police, if he is not stopped.

I also would tell the CO that he has recruited his next victim and that by telling him, he has the heads up and obligation to protect the poor woman and her family.

Block his family, my bet is they know a lot more about his character than they are letting on!

Your daughter will survive and thrive, but thank goodness there are no children involved, you would never have been free of him.

The sooner that divorce goes through tge better.

Advise her to go slow with this new relationship.

She needs to process and grieve.
She put up with a lot of shit from him that shows she is vulnerable to being miss treated.

She needs to know why she put herself in a position that she would think it acceptable to send him a video of her cleaning.

This is critical to her future happiness.

All these people are blocked. How was the SIL able to call last night?

Block them. They call the house or through a friend or whatever, HANG UP!
I don't understand why everyone is still listening to all the shit from these weirdos.
Hang up the phone!

The advantage of reading a few months of posts in one sitting is that while you are in the eye of the storm, I can see the amazing progress you all have made.
Your DH went from wanting to convince your DD to stay in her marriage at her ex's behest to cutting him off entirely.
You went from thinking he was a lovely man with an unfortunate problem, and cautiously not taking sides to seeing the lies, the manipulation, the abuse and strongly advocating for your DD and being her biggest support.
Your DD went from a woman who was abused, robbed, gaslighted and broken to a stronger soul who is still lovely, kind and loving, but now assertiveness and a finely honed bullshit radar that will serve her very well in life. She went from a woman bullied by her ex and his family to accept their narrative to truth and divorce.
Well done to you all for how far you've come in a situation that was so far away from anything you've experienced before.

Already answered upthread.

Thank you I feel the same too.
I have experienced a lot in my life but I can honestly say at 60 I have never met such a manipulative, liar I would even go as far to say he is a sociopath. This may seem extreme but I have looked up the definition and it’s him! I have never felt so sad In my life I have never felt so betrayed and taken for a mug. He lived on and off with us for four years. The sunlight was when he moved out and it became real. He will do exactly the same to his new girlfriend and her family and I feel sorry for them. He is already lying to her and he told my dd this. Can you believe this. Right now it’s still fresh but in time I hope we will look back and know that this happened for a reason and that our lives will go back to an even keel. One thing I have learnt is how empowering this website is. I have used this as a vessel for support and so many kind women helped me deal with a situation that has been strange for us. I feel so naive but now wiser.

@Icecreamlover63 I'm sorry for what you've all been through but she's going on holiday with a new man already? Wth!?! She only left her husband a handful of weeks ago... Goodness me. She barely knows this new man. You do realise how dangerous this is? Sounds like a rebound thing and she sounds incredibly naïve- no offence intended

Icecream, @SlatsandFlaps is making a fair point ... but you can't ban DD from fast-forwarding a new relationship.

You can urge her toward this though - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php
& this - www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO
& absolfuckingloutely THIS - www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

In the loved-up sparky stages of a new passion, her mindset is likely to be along the lines of "this guy is fab! He doesn't gamble! Or make me clean the bathroom & send him a video! Or abandon me at unknown locations! Or copy my credit card & steal my savings!"
You get the picture.
Just read a few threads here, by OP's who left a weapons-grade abuser, only to end up with a slightly less harmful one ... & how long it takes their loving, trusting hearts to wake up - let alone deal with the aftermath of extricating themselves from Mr New.

It's all a bit soon. Smacks of sticking a feel-good plaster over her wounds.
As PP said - rebound. Just ... let her have her fun, but caution her. She's not going to want to hear any negativity right now, but she needs to go in to this new fling/relationship/whatever with her eyes wide open & a clearsighted, pragmatic viewpoint. So sorry mum - if she;s unable to do that, you;re going to have to quietly & watchfully do it for her. No matter how great & positive the life changes she has just made are, including her new job & thriving friendship group, she is still at a very vulnerable stage - she's barely entered recovery.

She has known this lad for years and they have been friends for over 8 years. They both wanted to go to a certain country and that was it. I’m just glad she is happy, after a long time of being unhappy. She likes her new job, her new boss is lovely. Her friends have been literally amazing and have been there for her. Her sisters have stayed over lots and she now feels happy and loves and wanted. She said she felt so lonely, unloved and abused for such a long time.

Ahhhh - but that makes her a prime target for another abusive type. Hopefully this lad she's known for 8 years is NOT one - but to reiterate, just because a man is not a grade 10 bastard, doesn't mean your DD should settle for a grade 7 bastard.

She does need to do the Freedom programme, and not jump into a rebound relationship where she's like a thirsty plant begging for sunshine and rain - however good that makes her feel, it also leaves her vulnerable to accepting poor behaviour so long as it goes along with some affection.

There is a great deal of validity in being wary of rebound relationships, no matter how well one thinks one knows the object of their affection. And knowing someone as a friend is vastly different than knowing them in the context of a relationship. I knew my exH for 4 years 'as a friend' before we married and he never once raised his voice or his hand to me in that time. So, did I really 'know' him during that friendship? Not at all.

This young man may be a very nice lad, not saying he isn't. It's just that right now DD doesn't have the clearest 'view' of herself or of men. And that's normal.

The thing is, we pick a certain 'type' of man for some reason. Not that any of us set out to pick an abuser, but they often have other 'traits' that appeal to us, be they 'true' behaviours or manipulative behavioura. DD has not had the time to really dig into herself to decide what it was about STBX that drew her in. And that can lead to being drawn to the same type of man. Been there, done that.

Also, 'rebound' can lead us into simply falling for someone to get over what we've just 'lost' and to fill a void, despite the fact that under normal circumstances that person wouldn't have appealed to us at all. We can be willfully blind to incompatibility just because of our need to feel loved and valued.

DD just needs to be very careful. Frankly, I think that someone should spend at least 6 months after a breakup to decompress, review, and 'learn' themselves.

I hope you and your daughter are well OP.