Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

[Icecreamlover63]

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

@Icecreamlover63 - how is your DD doing? It must be very upsetting for her, but she needs to stand strong and walk away from him. No good can come to her if she stays with him. :(

So this morning he has informed my daughter he will go to Gamcare he will do anything to save their marriage. He has been incredibly nice to her and now she is starry to doubt her decision. He has told her it’s no problem if she lives in the house to work her notice and he will treat her with respect.

He completely understands the error of his gambling but it’s so much more than that it’s all the lies. Would they be down to gambling
Her work in hospital are so short staffed they want her to work her full notice.
His parents are now starting to get nasty phoning her hip and telling her she should stand by him and help him.
I am keeping out of it as it’s not my decision and I have never been through anything like this before so cannot even offer advice.
I am just listening but some of the selfish behaviour he has displayed especially over the last 8 months in. My eyes have been unacceptable

She needs to block his parents.
They need to stop harassing her and let her make HER decision about HER marriage.
Bullies the 3 of them.

Agree she needs to block his parents. It's none of their fucking business what she chooses to do and they should butt out.

As for him - of course he'll say whatever it is that he thinks she wants to hear to get her to stay. But as you say, she's been on this merry-go-round three times already. He's an addict and addicts rarely change. He's been caught out and that's why he's making all the right noises. She really should get away while she can. The next thing he'll be persuading her to have a baby and then she'll be stuck with him forever and in 30 years' time it will be her where his DM is now.

Could you bring yourself to tell her clearly that you don't hink his actions are acceptable and that if she chooses to you will support her all the way in leaving him and his over involved parents.

Because at the moment you are doing the polar opposite of them From your own words you are not commenting because it's not your place. She is your daughter. Don't be so cold.

You can offer her advice, you know.

You could point out to her that he's promised her he'll change before. You could point out that his behaviour is unacceptable. You could point out that she shouldn't live with him whilst deciding what to do next.

Ultimately - stay or go - the decision is hers. But you could encourage her to value herself, her life, her feelings above his. In fact, as her mother, you really should.

He has been incredibly nice to her and now she is starry to doubt her decision.
Sorry OP. This is classic manipulation. See also - the unfaithful husband, who is "so sorry & devastated" ... he's not sorry about the affair - he's sorry he's been found out.
He's being "nice" because he's desperate. Not because he's nice.
Nice men don't scream in their wife's face, or lie to & steal from them.

Funny how he didn't take himself to Gamcare until the shit hit the fan & HE was faced with a consequence of his actions, huh?
He didn't think to contact them when only DD was suffering the consequences.
This is an entirely self-serving gesture.

He has told her it’s no problem if she lives in the house to work her notice and he will treat her with respect.
Respect? What a woolly concept. Even he he had defined what he means by it - why should DD believe a liar?
DD should be very wary. He wants her back at the house so he knows where she is - & if necessary (ie she doesn't instantly agree concessions, extra chances, a date to 'forgive him' by ...) & will be able to control her.

How do I know this? - Because THIS:

His parents are now starting to get nasty phoning her hip and telling her she should stand by him and help him.

The abusive apple didn't fall far from the tree did it?
She is not obliged to take their calls.
She does not need to be guilted into any Stand By Your Man bullshit.

Have a read of this OP - your DD is being manipulated back into the FOG of a dysfunctional marriage, to a man from a disordered family. It is fucking outrageous that his parents are ringing her up to bully her. She should block their numbers immediately.
outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt

Above all, you need to reassure your daughter -
SHE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HUSBAND'S ADDICTION.
&
SHE IS NOT A CYPHER FOR HER IN-LAWS DESIRE TO PRETEND THEIR SON DOES NOT HAVE HUGE PROBLEMS.

I am keeping out of it

May I suggest you get into it?

Your DD needs resources, back-up, & support against the emotional terrorism her in laws are subjecting her to.
You don't need to "interfere" - but you do need to ensure DD is informed, is accessing services like Women's Aid, any Camp support available to wives, & FFS, the knowledge that her own mum is backing her.

Woman the fuck up OP. Make sure your DD has resources, information, & the certain knowledge that her mum is on Team Daughter.

I’m not being cold. I would like to phone him and rip into him but I don’t think that would help anyone right now. I have told my daughter this is totally unacceptable behaviour and some of the decisions he has made have just been controlling and nothing to do with gambling!
I think the penny has just dropped with him and it’s now too late. Even though my loyalty lies with my daughter I want him to carry on with Gamcare. But that’s it

I hope you are right, that you are more supportive in real life than you sound here. Remember we only have your words to go by. Your DD needs as much support as she can get right now!

I think his parents packed him off to the military at 16 to get rid of the problem. I think they thought my daughter and him were the golden couple. If it was my son I would be mortified but I can understand why they want the marriage to work because I suspect he will fall apart once this happens!
He phoned her last night and was sobbing wanted to talk to her face to face.
He seems to think she can move back home and then spend weekends with him!
I really can’t imagine what is going through his mind I feel he is grasping at straws.
I’m at work now after settling my daughter I just feel so sad for her.
But faking a break in spending so much money on betting is not acceptable behaviour

I 100% agree and she is getting it in spades right now. I’m driving over 70 miles straight from work to collect more of her bits.

I would advise that she needs to spend at least a couple of weeks no contact in a hotel that he doesn't know where is to get her head straight and see whether she feels relieved having the weight of their relationship off of her.

Her friend has offered her a room

what ever you do

don't bad mouth him at all

listen, keep listening and do active listening

don't tell her what to do, as much as she might look to you to tell her what to do, she needs to come to her own decision this is a hard one

If they decide to make another go of it, send her with love and tell her your door is always open

@Icecreamlover63

I 100% agree and she is getting it in spades right now. I’m driving over 70 miles straight from work to collect more of her bits.

Drive carefully!

His parents are now starting to get nasty phoning her hip and telling her she should stand by him and help him.

The abusive apple didn't fall far from the tree did it?
She is not obliged to take their calls.
She does not need to be guilted into any Stand By Your Man bullshit.

this ^^

@Icecreamlover63

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.

I don’t understand this? Not at all. You aren’t validating your daughter in her wanting to leave him or saying that it’s shit behaviour? Surely you should be saying yes DD that’s crap, yes I support you in leaving him. Or do you want the marriage to save face?

I’d say to her that gambling makes perfectly nice, normal people behave in unacceptable ways. I wouldn’t bad mouth him, I’d say it’s a shame that gambling has changed him and made him behave as he has, in other words blame the gambling addiction rather than him. BUT emphasise that she shouldn’t put up with unacceptable behaviour and whether it’s naturally him, or as a result if the gambling, she has no choice but to leave him. It really isn’t acceptable to have done what he has and she needs to enforce strong boundaries. If she still cares for him she can do this whilst encouraging him to seek help for his sake and future happiness.

So you can be supportive of her without blaming him. It the addiction, but she still shouldn’t put up with it.

Get off the fence and support your daughter fgs!

What I meant was I’m not going to slag him off to my daughter.
I have told her his behaviour is unacceptable and gambling and now lying to cover the gambling is completely wrong. She has just rung me and she said she knows she is making the right decision and thats good enough for me.

I agree that’s all you can do. It’s a sad situation but not one that your dd should put up with. He’s made his bed, but now he has to suffer the consequences.

@Icecreamlover63

I 100% agree and she is getting it in spades right now. I’m driving over 70 miles straight from work to collect more of her bits.

That's the ticket - just the practical & caring support she needs :)

Please make sure DD is absolutely clear on this though:
Even though my loyalty lies with my daughter I want him to carry on with Gamcare

You are right, & the 2 concepts are not exclusive.

His commitment to Gamcare must NOT be dependent on DD complying with his demands.
If he is not prepared to do Gamcare under his own steam - whether DD remains in the marriage or not - then it is just more manipulation.

Making DD's return a condition of his doing Gamcare is all about control, & nothing about recovery.

I'm appalled that in practically the same breath he postures about not having a "problem" about DD returning to the marital home to conclude her work notice period & that he will "respect" her, he's also assuming that he's entitled to spend weekends with her.

That's not leaving her space to recover, & make her own decision, is it? It's crowding her & bullying her into compliance.

Bloody hell OP, stop with the passiveness.

Your daughter needs to be supported and validated by her mum. What she doesn't need, in the face of an onslaught from her husband and in laws, is you going "ok, do whatever you feel like."

Say that his behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her she's doing the right thing and you are 100% behind her.

You can say all of that without slagging him off as a person.

She has just rung me and she said she knows she is making the right decision and thats good enough for me.

Brava, DD!

Sounds like she is very ready to hear @NewtoHolland's excellent advice:
I would advise that she needs to spend at least a couple of weeks no contact in a hotel that he doesn't know where is to get her head straight and see whether she feels relieved having the weight of their relationship off of her.

Does he know the friend who has offered to put DD up?
If he does, it's wise that DD doesn't tell him she is there.
She does not need to account for her whereabouts. She has asked for a period of space - if he understands what "respect" means, he will let her have just that.

Unfortunately, the signs indicate that he will want/demand/harrass to know where she is, so he can keep in contact & retain control.
DD does not need to give him that ammunition.