Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

[Icecreamlover63]

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

I suspect that his parents already knew of his addiction hence his DM hitting the roof about the overdraft.

Well I wouldn’t give a stuff about him! I’d be hundred per cent behind my daughter, and do everything we could to help her,

She needs to divorce him before he starts taking joint debt out with her name on

If Jamie has sent some disturbing texts it’s important that the welfare office or police are informed to do an immediate welfare check.

If he is at risk the appropriate professionals will manage it.

If it’s more of his manipulative, coercive, gaslighting, abusive behaviour (classic tactic with these types) then a light will be shone on it.

Get her home to you and your DH. She is your priority, not him. He has his own parents, and clearly hasn’t been showing you who he really is when in your company. Your dd needs you - make sure you are there for her 100%, listen to her and help her get out of this toxic marriage. She’s looking to you for help and guidance. Don’t let her down.

We have just been through a similar situation with DD, he wasn't a gambler but was seeing lots of other girls for lunch and dinner, walks in the park, long tel calls at 2am.
He completely gaslighted her, told her that any infidelity was in her head, she was jealous and needed treatment.
Then his friend approached her and told her, that her BF was actually sleeping with 2 other women.
There are some total bastards out there. I was as taken in by his lies as she was.
Shes a couple if months down the line now and doing so much better.

Just thinking about her job, could she work her notice on the sick if she has to? She cant go back to living with him.

Military wife here so I’ve got a little bit of knowledge but it’s not exactly the same everywhere.

She needs to contact welfare and tell them about the gambling. He needs help and it won’t help him if he’s discharged because they find out about it after the fact, the forces take gambling and financial problems very seriously as you’re open to blackmail.

Also if she is leaving him, or even if it’s not 100% certain, they can arrange for her to stay in the house and he can move to the block. If they are certain this is a split he needs to change his PSTAT to reflect this and she will have the house for 93 days so she can work her notice and/or find somewhere else to live, while he will be in the block. Again I know it doesn’t always go down like that but in an ideal world that is what they will try to facilitate. After the 93 days they start charging civilian rent if you’ve not moved out (like if your local council hasn’t housed you etc, a lot of wives moving out need council housing as they can’t work due to moving so much and having to look after kids so can’t afford civvy rent).

If he has been sending worrying messages then she should contact welfare or the guardroom and explain what’s happened and get them to do a welfare check. It’s no use calling civilian police if he’s on camp, quicker hopefully to contact the guardroom/duty welfare.

Sorry you’re all going through this. Military housing feels precarious enough at the best of times but feeling like you’ve nowhere to go because it’s only your house because of his job is shit.

The UK Forces Wags Facebook groups are quite good for advice on this sort of thing, lots of the women have been through similar x

Your daughter should file for divorce. He sounds like a right dick. I used to live in married quarters with my first husband and I changed the locks which isn’t actually allowed as he was spending all our money on going out and other women. I only did that as I had DS and had nowhere else to go until I could find a flat. It sounds as though your DD could leave fairly easily and divorce him ASAP. She won’t regret it.

You tell your DD to come home and when she gets there you cuddle her and tell her you'll all get through this together. You tell her that she is right to want a divorce and you facilitate it any way you can. You block 'Jamie' and tell her to do the same. You actively encourage her NOT to go back. You tell your DH not to to talk to 'Jamie' as there is nothing to 'straighten out'. You show your DD a united front with her at the center.

Why do you even have any questions about what to do? Is there some feeling in the family that divorce is shameful or a failure? Decades ago I stayed in an abusive marriage a little too long because I felt that my family's prevailing belief was that divorce was shameful and something that only happened in 'other families'. But when I actually left my parents actually said "What took you so long?" and surrounded me with love and support. You do the same.

Guy is a loser, liar, gambler. It will only get worse. Tell her to cut her losses now.

There's a hell of a lot of personal identifying information in your first post which your daughter may not appreciate.

He's an addict and is abusive. You should do everything you can to support you daughter in leaving this situation permanently.

I have been calm and even though I’m sad for her I’m secretly relieved. I treated him like a son and really cared for him. But my daughter just needs to take one step at a time and walk cautiously back to happiness. I will look after her but I just didn’t want to come across as an interfering mother.
I have calmly told her that I think she has been very brave and that even though it’s hard today this would have almost certainly have happened in a years time or even three years time.
I’m disgusted he thinks he can spend her money in their joint savings willly nilly. I’m disgusted that he talks to her the way he has done and right now I’m going to have a glass of wine x

@ancientgran

All those men who survived WW2 came home & immediately stole from their wives, screamed in their faces, & called them "sneaky" for handling their own money Plenty of WW2 survivors suffered for the rest of their lives. My husband was a young police officer in the 1960s, he says the vast majority of rough sleepers were men who had come back from WW2 and never managed to return to their normal lives. Most of them died before their time.

I know @ancientgran & my tone was partly facetious. The point remains that most vets did NOT cope with their trauma by abusing & lying to their wives.

Support your daughter and tell her the truth his is a lying, gambling addict who doesn't want to change and she will be better off without him.
Tell her the truth, don't pussyfoot around she is your daughter you can't say you don't want to get involved, you need to be involved, you don't want her to go back to him and ruin her life. X

His Mother also got disturbing texts last night and has contacted my daughter today.
Apparently he is so distraught he will go anything to change. My Daughter has told his Mother he has been through this gambling situation at least three times and cannot his through it again.
Actually his Mum was lovely. She wasn’t interested in the petty arguments but said he clearly has an addiction and it needs to be addressed.

I feel sad I liked his mum she herself was in a similar situation 25 years ago. She left. Me personally I feel history is just repeating itself. Which is very sad in itself. People may judge and ask why is his mother getting involved but she is his mum and She is naturally worried.
What a weekend !

That's all very well, feeling sad for him, but he has his own mum to support him. Your daughter will be looking to you. Don't hold back from doing that out of some misplaced loyalty to your son in law.

I’m quite happy for his mum to help him in fact I think it’s necessary. I’m just trying to take one step at a time. It’s rubbish absolute rubbish. I need a holiday x

@ChargingBuck The point remains that most vets did NOT cope with their trauma by abusing & lying to their wives.

But some did, some men who have been through nothing do it. People vary, some are just nasty and some don't cope with trauma as easily as others. Just human really.

I need a holiday

Em... I get it's been a bit hectic but you hardly need a holiday. You need to actively & practically support your DD.

I’d like to think we can go together x

@Icecreamlover63

I’m quite happy for his mum to help him in fact I think it’s necessary. I’m just trying to take one step at a time. It’s rubbish absolute rubbish. I need a holiday x

I agree, let his mother support him. Your DD needs to 'back away' from him and his family completely. Right now she needs to focus on herself with no 'background noise' about what he's doing or thinking.

And nothing wrong with a holiday with DD if it will help her frame of mind. It's early days for her yet, but sometimes a change of scenery helps clear the brain.

[quote ancientgran]**@ChargingBuck* The point remains that most vets did NOT cope with their trauma by abusing & lying to their wives.*

But some did, some men who have been through nothing do it. People vary, some are just nasty and some don't cope with trauma as easily as others. Just human really.[/quote]
You're right of course @ancientgran.

But whatever the motivations or drivers behind this man's gambling addiction & domestic abuse, there is no call for them to be handled extra "sensitively". He's not the one being stolen from, lied to, & screamed at. OP's DD is. It's she who needs the sensitivity.

She has done the right thing. He is an addict and a liar. She needs to get a divorce underway asap and do a credit check to see if he has incurred any debt under her name, he may have forged her signature on loan applications etc.

Might explain it - never excuses it.

It’s not on the DD or anyone to ever tolerate any abuse, neglect, lies, gaslighting, deception or emotional violence (stonewalling / shouting) regardless of what the other person has previously been exposed to.

He is only doing the desperate begging and suicide suggestions as a self serving manipulation of the DD to meet his needs.

His expectation are that she put up and shut up with his gambling and abuse - that’s how he has behaved - that’s who he is.

This addiction is very well entrenched - DD doesn’t need to squander her youth, precious and finite fertile years, her MH and happiness in this toad.

Support her to get out and stay out.