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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

463 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 14:54

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 22/01/2022 16:10

Tell her to block their numbers for now.

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 16:10

@LatteLady

Look after you daughter, but I would suggest getting in touch with either his commanding officer or a welfare officer to explain what is happening and that it might be sensible to keep an eye on him whilst he appears to be in a fragile mental state.
This is a brilliant suggestion from @LatteLady.

A professional way of handling the "card up your sleeve" I referenced upthread. It will prevent son in law from controlling the narrative - which he's already attempting - see his entitled rant about OP being "sneaky" (FFS!) to access her own 50% of the savings.

It's also good that his own parents are dismayed - but beware OP, don't rely on them acting in DD's best interests. They are currently shocked & reeling. That might change, depending on how their son may manipulate them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/01/2022 16:12

Her best and only option, really, is to divorce him and move on.
He lies, gambles, gaslights and steals from her - what is the point? It's not going to get better.
At least (hopefully!) there are no children - best to get out now and have a clean break.

TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil · 22/01/2022 16:12

God she sounds far too young to be facing a lifetime of this nonsense..... Id be saying to her we're only here once. And she needs to decide what she wants to spend that time on. 😬

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 16:15

He has shown her his current account and told her he has not bet for a month and she said it is clear to see.

So what?
Does that magically bring back the £3k - & the rest - he has pissed away?
Does it wipe out the fact that he took money from the joint account, but insisted on "repaying" it to his sole account?
Does it change the fact that this twat raided DD's coins piggybank, FFS?!

Don't let DD be persuaded by a few weeks of "good" behaviour.
If she wavers on this, remind her of how he screamed in her face over nothing.
Also - just because it's not showing online, doesn't mean it didn't happen ... He's already mooching off comrades. Who knows what he's "borrowed" & bet with offline?

ancientgran · 22/01/2022 16:18

@Porcupineintherough

I dont think you should be too reluctant to tell her that his behaviour is totally unacceptable actually. Because it is.
The trouble is once people start criticising someone you care about (a marriage being over doesn't mean you don't care) then the frequent reaction is to defend them. If you are nice about them then she feels unsupported. I had both experiences and I honestly think she doesn't need to know if other people love him or hate him. All that matters is how she feels. She doesn't need a reason other than she wants to leave him.

Just my experience.

EmmaH2022 · 22/01/2022 16:20

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Support your daughter. He does not sound like a good husband. I can't honestly see what you're conflicted about here.
Same here

Also, everyone needs to switch their phone off.

elbea · 22/01/2022 16:21

I think she should encourage her husband to seek help from his padre or welfare. Obviously the things he is doing are incredibly wrong but things are difficult at the camps I think you are referring to at the moment. Paired with coming back from a recent tour, wife leaving, debts and a difficult atmosphere at camps I’d be really careful how it’s all handled.

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 16:22

My Daughter has just ring and his dad has been in the phone having a go at her.

As I said - BEWARE.

This is the same dad who was initially horrifed at the revelation of his son's behaviour. If he has the temerity to have a go at your child again - you or your husband return the call & tell the bully to lay the fuck off. Then ask DD to block him on her phone.

MananaTomorrow · 22/01/2022 16:24

@Icecreamlover63 I agree that I would be careful not to slag him off.
But I’m sure it’s ok to mention that gambling is an addiction and it’s shit for all concerned.
That the only way things will change is if he will change.

I get the idea she stays on a hotel to work her notice. I’m wondering if there is a way she could get away with not working said notice tbh. Seeing his reaction, the way he is involving his parents, it sounds like it will become really ugly.
Otherwise, I’d ask her what support she needs and tell her the door of your house will always be open to her, whatever happens.

Has she picked up all her stuff from the house or is there someth8g else she needs to go and pick up?

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 16:27

@elbea

I think she should encourage her husband to seek help from his padre or welfare. Obviously the things he is doing are incredibly wrong but things are difficult at the camps I think you are referring to at the moment. Paired with coming back from a recent tour, wife leaving, debts and a difficult atmosphere at camps I’d be really careful how it’s all handled.
Yeah, I remember my history well. All those men who survived WW2 came home & immediately stole from their wives, screamed in their faces, & called them "sneaky" for handling their own money ...

MN dick-pandering at its finest @elbea

mummykel16 · 22/01/2022 16:28

Phone the police get it all on record and add every future bit of harassment of which there will be plenty, this needs nipping in the bud now not when it escalates, keep records yourselves too .

As for him, sod him.

elbea · 22/01/2022 16:40

@ChargingBuck no, I just live on one of said camps where a number of soldiers have killed themselves in the past couple of weeks.

Addiction is an illness and you don’t know what he saw in Afghanistan. Lots of men did come back with shell shock that completely changed them. I said his behaviour was wrong but said to recommend he get support for his illness. I don’t want to see any more soldiers committing suicide.

Theunamedcat · 22/01/2022 16:44

Can she transfer in her company rather than leave? It might be faster

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 22/01/2022 16:46

This is a weird situation and the parents all seem overly involved.

Totalwasteofpaper · 22/01/2022 16:54

@Icecreamlover63

I think she should leave him as this will never change its very very sad. However gambling is an illness and I hope he gets some help. My Daughter has just ring and his dad has been in the phone having a go at her. It’s a really horrible day
Find your anger and 100% support her to leave him.

He is lying cheating gaslighting and abusing your baby girl.

The son in law you love and feel fond off will bring your daughter nothing but misery..

Notmrsfitz · 22/01/2022 16:55

An addict is an addict- a narc addict potentially, would twist the facts and make himself out to be the victim and the one who is putting things on the line , he may also ignore her and treat her badly …. All of which he is doing!!

Thank God she can run away to London and she shouldn’t go back - get her home, love her better and help her rebuild her life without him in it !!

ancientgran · 22/01/2022 16:59

All those men who survived WW2 came home & immediately stole from their wives, screamed in their faces, & called them "sneaky" for handling their own money Plenty of WW2 survivors suffered for the rest of their lives. My husband was a young police officer in the 1960s, he says the vast majority of rough sleepers were men who had come back from WW2 and never managed to return to their normal lives. Most of them died before their time.

strawberrymilk7 · 22/01/2022 17:01

I think just support her as best you can. Also just for the joint account, print off the transaction listing showing the balance, and what she transferred. Then tell her to keep a copy of the statement when it comes in, just so that he doesn't say she took more than half.

Both sets of parents seem very involved so I'm guessing they are young enough. He needs help, but that doesn't have to be at the expense of your DD emotionally or financially

WeAreTheHeroes · 22/01/2022 17:03

Some practical things your DD should do: contact work and arrange a few days off - she can be off sick due to the stress of her marriage falling apart. Then she needs to plan how she's going to move on from here.

Contact credit reference agencies and apply for a separation of her records from his - I can't remember what this is properly called, but if he tries to get credit in her or joint names, he shouldn't be able to.

She needs to arrange alternative accommodation and get her belongings back from the married quarters when he's not around.

SofiaSoFar · 22/01/2022 17:04

@NatashaBedwouldbenice

This is a weird situation and the parents all seem overly involved.
Absolutely this.

Old enough to be married and living hours away but parents involved in finances, relationship, etc., etc.

Hmm
Rangoon · 22/01/2022 17:06

He has lied and stolen from your daughter as well as abusing her for getting her own money out of his thieving clutches. He gave joint money to friends and even if they pay it back it's going into his sole account. I can't see why anybody would want to rekindle this relationship even if he got treatment. And I can't see why you have so much affection for him either because he is scum. Of course you can tell your daughter that she has been very unlucky and she should get shot of him as soon as she can. She deserves far better and if you have any fondness for dear old Jamie you should keep that to yourself.

pinkyredrose · 22/01/2022 17:07

Why is his dad having a go at her?

HairyScaryMonster · 22/01/2022 17:09

I think she should contact work and explain she can't work her notice because she's fleeing an abusive relationship.

TheWeeDonkey · 22/01/2022 17:13

IME addicts lie and they are always the victim and its always someone else's fault / responsibility that their life is in the toilet. The only difference between gambling addicts and drug addicts or alcoholics is there is no rock bottom. The body can only take so much abuse but a gambler will find money wherever and however they can.

He'll destroy your daughter if she let's him and he'll think nothing of it.