Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Youngest Daughter in bits on phone - advice please

463 replies

Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 14:54

My Youngest Daughter has just been on the phone and is extremely upset. I have seen this coming for some time but i cannot say anything about peoples relationships however i would appreciate some advice.
In 2019 my daughter was engaged and found out that her then fiancée had spent £3 on gambling in six months. He promised he would not do this again was so very repentant and she forgave hi.
In very early 2020 they got married. They moved into military housing about 8 miles away and appeared very happy.
Then they got transferred to Wiltshire and my daughter got a job at a local hospital and promptly made lots of friends and loved her new job. She joined a gym and lost some weight and was looking amazing.
Her husband's, Mother came over in October 2021 and was furious as she had just had a phone call completely out of the blue. It was the bank informing her that her sons account was overdrawn by £600. (when her son went to Afghanistan she had to have access to his accounts in case he died) and she had forgotten all about it.
The account was overdrawn because of 2 large bets of £500 each.
My daughter again lost her temper and he promised never to do it again.
Just before Christmas he took £500 out of their joint account to pay his friend as apparently he had bailiffs at the door. Then he took another £250 out a one of his friends could not see his children. My daughter said can you give those two friends the account number for our joint account so they can pay it back into the account it came out of. Guess what he said he wouldn't and said they money was going back into his sole account.
He has not spoken to my daughter most evenings and only watches football on sky. He refuses to go out at all in January and has ben very rude to her on lots of occasions.
Basically she has had enough of the gambling and the lies and just basically being ignored.

Fast forward to today!! She has just gone back to collect some of her bits and he started screaming at her and saying she was sneaky moving half of the money into her savings account before she had even spoken to him. She moved it this morning as she did not want him to be reckless and bet it away. He then started to blame her for having mental health problems and that when she was at home she was unhappy (not true) and that he had to speak to welfare in the Army to get married quarters early. They got their married quarters 3 weeks before they got married (which is the normal time line).
He has told her she always runs back to London when she is upset. Again not true she has been to us 4 times in 4 months and two of those times he was with her.

She is so upset and so distraught I honestly don't know what to do and she is driving back home now. I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so. Please can you advise me what to do and also if you think she has made the right decision.
I do understand there is 2 sides to the story but my daughter has moved half way across the country and has not lied, she is devestated.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 15:34

I really think you should get this taken down. You could post re the general issues. It's extremely specific, false names & locations notwithstanding.

Be glad your DD is out of the relationship. And has no DC.

Many women were like me, and put up with the financial abuse for years until it was an absolute mess & DC were involved.

CannotShakeIt · 22/01/2022 15:37

At most stations there is separate housing for those living in married quarters and experiencing domestic problems. She would need to get in touch with the stations community support officer, housing section or SSAFA. I am not sure how much she would have to share, but it could result in her husbands Chain of Command being made aware.

Etinoxaurus · 22/01/2022 15:38

@Skiptheheartsandflowers

Support your daughter. He does not sound like a good husband. I can't honestly see what you're conflicted about here.
Me neither, I don’t get all your references to other pos relationships etc. Why don’t you think you can comment?
Etinoxaurus · 22/01/2022 15:39

@Icecreamlover63

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.
Ah, you’re one of those. Look after your daughter.
ancientgran · 22/01/2022 15:41

Don't judge, don't run him down, be there for her, listen to her. That's what I wanted when my first marriage broke down, the issue was alcohol not gambling but I think the support issue is the same.

Mythologies · 22/01/2022 15:41

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.
WTAF! Angry you love your abusive SIL more than your own daughter - putting her in danger? Sad
I have no words
But be very very ashamed of yourself

Porcupineintherough · 22/01/2022 15:42

I dont think you should be too reluctant to tell her that his behaviour is totally unacceptable actually. Because it is.

UserBot999 · 22/01/2022 15:42

Tell her its strong to give up on a shit marriage. Its not failure at all

gobbynorthernbird · 22/01/2022 15:44

@Icecreamlover63

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.
I voted YABU because of this. How can you love someone (who isn't an immediate blood relative) that treats your own DD so badly?
EarringsandLipstick · 22/01/2022 15:44

@Porcupineintherough

I dont think you should be too reluctant to tell her that his behaviour is totally unacceptable actually. Because it is.
Exactly. I don't understand these posts about not commenting on his behaviour. He has behaved dreadfully. Of course you say that in no uncertain terms to your DD.
3scape · 22/01/2022 15:45

He lies, even if she is unhappy or suffering with her mental health I've no idea what his point is - his behaviour is atrocious. Carry on being there. She needs to make sure financial connections are cut as he will have more debts etc that she doesn't know about yet.

User2638483 · 22/01/2022 15:47

What do you mean you don’t want to tell her she is right?
Just support her in her choice
Doesn’t seem much question that it’s a good idea to leave him. Not sure what the doubt is in your mind?

334bu · 22/01/2022 15:51

There is no living with an addict
Tell your daughter she is right to leave him and support her in setting up a home on her own.

zafferana · 22/01/2022 15:55

I don't understand why you're sitting on the fence OP - you can support your DD without slagging off your son-in-law. She is right to have left him, she's right to have removed half the money in the joint account and she is right to be devastated by the way her husband has treated her. I have no idea why you still 'love your son-in-law' after the way he's behaved towards your DD. TBH, I think you need to give your head a wobble. Your loyalties lie with your DD, not her useless gambling liar of a husband.

viques · 22/01/2022 15:56

@Icecreamlover63

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.
It sounds like it.

She has made a mistake, she now has to deal with it, but you really sound as though you have been keeping an account book of her marriage and his actions. Of course you need to support your daughter, but stop chewing over her problems like a ruminating cow because it sounds as though a part of you is really enjoying being proved right.

unname · 22/01/2022 15:58

You don’t really know this guy. No one knows an addict, anyway. But you haven’t lived with him. So to say you love him as a potential reason not to be supportive of your daughter’s decision to leave is not OK.

Support her.

IncompleteSenten · 22/01/2022 16:01

He's mad she got to the money first and took half before he had the chance to take it all
I bet anything that's what he intended to do

Just support your daughter. She's doing the right thing by leaving him.

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 16:01

I am offering the money to her to pay for somewhere to stay whilst working her notice! I was very fond of my son in law but that was before I learnt all of this. I will support my daughter and I will help her.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 22/01/2022 16:02

No kids? In which case she’s dodged a bullet. If he’s running a gambling habit alongside the discipline of military life, god knows what he’ll be like after he leaves.

She should see a solicitor and move on.

Wiredforsound · 22/01/2022 16:03

She should divorce him before his debts spiral further out of control. He is clearly a problem gambler and she could end up liable for half his mess.

ChargingBuck · 22/01/2022 16:04

I wish i could say she was right but I feel it would be wrong for me to say so.

Brace up IceCream - I'm not your DD's mum, I'm a random stranger, & it's blindingly bloody obvious that DD is right, & that you are not wrong to say so.

DD's own MiL knows her son is wrong - she's furious about his gambling, remember?

Your son in law isn't just gambling - he's actively stealing from, gaslighting & abusing your girl. Pull your big mum pants up & get usefully angry. DD is going through an extreme situation & you are ALLOWED to be 100% partisan. OK?

btw, your son in law's commanding officer would not be impressed to learn that one of his soldiers is stealing from his own wife FFS. Keep that up your sleeve for now, but it's worth bearing in mind if son in law decides to kick off with more gaslighting & power plays.

Just be a warm & comforting presence for DD today, & let her talk herself out. She's got a lot of bullshit to sort through, & will be feeling confused & undermined. Stay tough, stay calm ... but let your inner tiger roar. That man IS in the wrong & you ARE permitted to state that fact.

Georgeskitchen · 22/01/2022 16:04

Why does his mother have access to his bank accounts "in case he dies" shouldn't that be his wife's job?

Original poster
Icecreamlover63 · 22/01/2022 16:05

I think she should leave him as this will never change its very very sad. However gambling is an illness and I hope he gets some help.

My Daughter has just ring and his dad has been in the phone having a go at her. It’s a really horrible day

OP posts:
EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 22/01/2022 16:07

If he starts borrowing from people in his squad and not paying it back or doing anything dodgy to get money then he could lose his job too.

This is something that he's affecting to overlook but it will cost him his job and his chances as a civilian.

My best wishes for you and your daughter.

Merryoldgoat · 22/01/2022 16:09

@Icecreamlover63

I have offered her some money for her to pay for a premier inn or something like that. I have not said how I really feel to her because I really do love my Son-in-law.
What?

This is a man who is treating your child so poorly and you ‘love’ him?

Ffs it’s no wonder women put up with so much shit when the people supposedly looking out for them are full of such shit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread