...NOT to get a dog?

[LizLemonsGlasses]

Yet another family we know has got a puppy - it genuinely feels like we're the only ones of our peer group not to have a dog!

My working circumstances have changed in a way which makes it much more doable for us, plus we live in a rural area, we like to walk and get outside, and I know that if we were to do it, it feels like now or never - DDs are 15 and 12 - and we would get the most of it as a family before we blink and the kids are off to uni or work or whatever.

I appreciate the benefits from a family and relationships perspective and all the wellbeing aspects of having a dog - for mental and physical health etc... but I still balk at the commitment and the extra layer of daily work and general organisation involved. There are times when I already find work/life balance difficult so adding a dog into the mix doesn't seem like a great idea. But then I read about how people do it and the dog can slot in and feels like they've always had it etc. etc.

I heard Gretchen Rubin on a podcast advocating for getting a dog - she did it as a way of 'choosing the bigger life' and while I love that idea, I just don't know if it's right for us - and then I feel a bit guilty, am I denying us a 'bigger life'??

This is technically all still hypothetical as DH remains less convinced than I am by that argument and we'd obviously have to be in agreement. And the solution can't be: get a cat - I am 100% a cat person and would love one but DH is definitely not (I could write a whole other thread about this )

DD1 begs for a dog on an almost daily basis - especially now most of her friends have got one! - and it's getting harder to say no convincingly and without wondering if we really are missing out.

Are we doing the right thing NOT to get a dog?? Are we saying no to something that would really enhance our family life, and will we regret not giving ourselves and the DDs this life experience? Tell me we're not the only ones who still don't have a dog?!

I would say that the positives outweigh the benefits. Have you considered rehoming a retired greyhound? A bit of toilet training needed but otherwise chilled out, easy to look after and generally no major behaviour issues. It always seems like they are a tie but once they die your life seems pretty empty without them

Thank you @Hoppinggreen it is difficult,. It didn't help that the dog's arrival coincided with months of building work starting and a very stressful period at work. I started having panic attacks and a few months later I still have anxiety symptoms and I think the dog thing has been a huge part of it. Hey ho.

Yanbu.
I love dogs but one wouldn't fit into my life.

I console myself with meeting dogs when I go jogging or litter picking (dog owners love me for getting the glass ).

We had a beautiful rescue dog for 9years, he sadly died Feb '20. I was devastated, and it took over a year grieving over his loss. We got a pup Sept' 20 and with hindsight we should have waited a lot longer. I struggled mentally, it was very hard work and created tension between my DH and I.
Bottom line, I now regret getting the pup (although he is adorable and my DH loves him) and it isn't easy planning holidays etc (we had already had years of this) Just wish we had remained dog free for longer. Think long and hard OP. Lot of true comments here.

Gosh, what a prick for railroading you, @DorothyBinns , so unfair. I wanted a dog for years before DH did but would never have got one without him being onboard 100% (it was actually his idea in the end, complete 180).

Imo, no family should get a dog unless all of them want it, so YANBU.

I've had dogs most of my life, and am actively trying to find a rescue sutiable for me now that I'm getting on a bit, but they are a LOT of work, can be very disruptive of routines, can't be left alone for long and so everyone in the home needs to be fully behind the decision.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Fucking sick of the uncontrolled or badly controlled dogs around here. They’re up there with the bloody electric scooters menace wise.

Also stop putting your dog on a near invisible lead and having it as long as you like on the pavement - children aren’t going to see it!

Good for you, but that's completely irrelevant in the context of a thread by a poster who doesn't actually have a dog.

OP, if you're not sure then don't do it. Dogs are fantastic and I'd always recommend getting one if you want to, but they are huge commitments, and if you're having doubts then a dog is not right for you.

A dog won't enrich your lives if you don't actually want a dog.

Don't do it unless you really want to

You shouldn't get a dog unless you are sure and 100% committed. You're not, and that is fine, just definitely don't be persuaded into getting one by your daughters who will have left home within whilst the dog is only part way through its life.

Dogs are amazing but they need the same level of commitment that a child needs.
I'm currently bleary eyed after sleeping downstairs again with Ddog who has just had an operation. DH and I have been taking it in turns since NYE and there's another couple of weeks at least to go and that's if we decide to leave him downstairs on his own once he's a bit better

I've had to use leave to take him for his op, may have to use more leave if work won't let me continue working at home after 31 Jan which is when we're due back in, as ddog won't be able to have a dog walker.

Our plans for decorating have gone on hold because we need to pay a chunk of money towards his op.

If you have any doubts then don't get a dog. We are their everything and they deserve a human who is certain they will always give them whatever they need, whatever it takes

I have an 18 month old dog, I wanted her desperately and really do live her however I didn't really realise how much work and expense she would be. She has needed a ton of effort to train, still her recall isn't that great, she needs loads of attention and makes it difficult for me to work from home as shes so demanding. Plus of course all the getting up early for walks, not being able to go for spontaneous days out, etc. It's way tougher than I expected and makes me think people have to be pretty much mad to get a dog. I don't regret it but I could easily imagine doing so if that makes sense!

A dog won't enrich your lives if you don't actually want a dog.

Don't do it unless you really want to

Xmassprout has pretty much summed it up. Dogs are a massive commitment and a tie if you are a responsible dog owner. I don't like dogs enough to want that kind of commitment.

I love dogs. But have been told by dog owner friends that getting a dog is like having another child which will never grow up. I don't want any more children! I notice it is often suggested on here though.

Dogsare lovely when someone else is responsible for them. What puts me off is the fear that even the most gentle dog could turn and attack a child or other animal. Among other things.

@Bunnymummy2

We had a beautiful rescue dog for 9years, he sadly died Feb '20. I was devastated, and it took over a year grieving over his loss. We got a pup Sept' 20 and with hindsight we should have waited a lot longer. I struggled mentally, it was very hard work and created tension between my DH and I. Bottom line, I now regret getting the pup (although he is adorable and my DH loves him) and it isn't easy planning holidays etc (we had already had years of this) Just wish we had remained dog free for longer. Think long and hard OP. Lot of true comments here.

Puppies can be a huge amount of work. A friend who had had several "easy" puppies got one that was very lively and a complete nightmare. Friend didn't know what had hit her and often phoned me in tears.

She calmed down massively at around 12 months, and became a lovely dog, but she put my friend through hell in that first year or so.

My first puppy was adorable but incredibly naughty, and clever with it, so he'd do stuff you never dreamed possible (like open doors, and climb furniture). Luckily, I loved him madly, which made it tolerable, but god did he test my patience.

Got a second pup, same breed, and she was an absolute doddle. I lost her just over a year ago and still miss her terribly.

If you aren't committed to it then it is the right decision not to get a dog.

That said, I do think having a pet can be a great experience for dc, is there maybe another pet your dc could have? Pet rats are great for being intelligent and able to be trained but not needing to be walked.

We are the same and in the end, we got two rescue kittens.

They are no bother at all and we have left them overnight but they have enhanced our family immeasurably in the way that having a pet changed the feel of a house. the dcs have to be responsible for food/water/ playing with them but they definitely aren't as tying as a dog.

So I say, get a cat.

A dog won't enrich your lives if you don't actually want a dog. Don't do it unless you really want to

Another one advocating this pithy bit of advice.

Op I'd also contradict you on something you said in your OP that "the dog can slot in" to your life. That might appear to be the case, or it can be the case for an older, very easy natured dog, but for most dogs they don't just "slot in." They land in your life like a bomb going off! And however easy going they are they always have needs that must be met which takes time, commitment, effort and compromise. DO NOT DO IT IF YOU ARE NOT SURE!

What is "choosing the bigger life"?! Why does a dog mean that, when it means no more spontaneous nights or days out, or weekends away, or holidays, because you have to make sure the dog is looked after?

I listen to this podcast by Gretchen Rubin (“Happier” - it’s great!) and you have to understand that she’s a proper Type A control freak so what she means is, my family wanted one and my natural tendency is to say a Flat No to things I’m unsure of, but if I push through the initial discomfort I can usually end up enjoying myself. Because she knows herself well she knows her tendency is to retreat not embrace new things.

I think you also have to understand she lives in NYC and is well off! She has a small dog that’s not getting muddy in rural fields and rivers every day in autumn and winter, but is happy with the dog park and street walks and apartment living. I’m 100% sure she’ll have a lot of help with dog walkers and sitters too, which is expensive.

Don’t get a dog if all the adult humans in the house aren’t 100%. I was your DD1 and my parents relented at 11 years old when I took my imaginary dog for walks every day - I was obsessed. I did look after our dog when we got her (early morning walks, home from school to let her out and play at lunchtime then back to school, fed, groomed etc). Day to day I’d say I was doing most primary care. But I didn’t pay for or organise vet stuff, dog sitting (my grandparents adored her and they happily shared her!) or any of the worry.

I then waited years as an adult to get my dog, an adult rescue - and it’s a totally different ballgame. It is an upheaval even not with puppy training. My DH isn’t that fussed - he’s a cat person - although he does his share of walking and daily care. She’s definitely my dog, in that any issues or logistics to sort are all mine. And there’s always some sort of issue or logistic. We got her when the DC were younger because I figured if we had to be around - or arrange someone to be around - for the DC then the dog would fit into that. As they get to be teens though they have more independence, and you have more freedom from supervising too. To add a dog then that needs you around the vast majority of the time can feel like you’re losing some freedom.

I love dogs but would not have one.
They make your house smell of dog.
Shake wet over everything.
Leave dirty marks everywhere.
Chew things
Leave dog hairs.
Poo!
Wee!
Cost a fortune!

Sorry I skimmed over the bit about dh not liking cats

I grew up with dogs. I love them. However right now we can’t do it. We both work full time. Im shift work in a hospital which are long days. I don’t want a dog to then pay other people to look after it tbh. Plus then the plans when you go on holiday or you want to go out in the evening to gigs/meals or out for the day but without the dog etc.

I have a friend who lives alone that wants a dog but she spends lots of her evenings out and about in the city, not sure it’s fair on the dog to be left alone that frequently tbh. They would be places where dogs couldn’t go either. So she would have to adjust her lifestyle to accommodate the dog to some degree, to be fair it’s similar for us and we aren’t prepared to do it. Having a dog is a big commitment that some seem to overlook.

I wouldn't get a dog if I had any doubts, I think you really need to want one. They are a huge commitment and you need to think not only about what a dog would add to family life but about what you have to offer a dog. DD1 is 15 so may well be off to university in 3 years. I would have made all sorts of promises as a teenager if it meant I could have what I wanted but in reality I don't think I would have fully grasped that feeling tired and wanting a lie in wasn't an option if the dog needed walking. Dogs aren't compulsory so if you are unsure then I wouldn't get one.

I have a dog and love him to bits, he's a lot of work and effort but he's worth it to me.

What is the bigger life thing? Are there ways to apply this theory without getting a dog?

It's a huge commitment you are allowed to not want to do it don't feel bad about that.

I love our dog but she has a lot of issues. We have done A LOT of work with her, and trainers, and the vet to get to a point where we can manage, but it's certainly not the 'dog life' we dreamed of. We cannot take her to the pub, to cafes, for a walk through town. She reacts to other dogs, pushchairs, motorbikes etc. Ok, she's a rescue dog so maybe she had issues before she came to us. But we also know people who got lovely puppies from lovely breeders, and still have long term issues with their dog - like separation anxiety, or fear of men. Again, with a lot of work these problems can be managed and worked through, but I don't think people necessarily think about behavioural issues that might crop up (it's always about going for a walk in the rain, or picking up poo).

If we didn't have our dog now, I don't think we would get one. It's a huge commitment and our life revolves around her.

I will just mention that we got DDog when we lived abroad, in a location where they are desperate for foster parents to at least look after dogs and get them off the streets while a permanent home can be found. I don't know if that's a thing here in the UK? So we took ours on as a temporary foster knowing that if dog ownership wasn't right for us then it wouldn't be forever, but that she was also in a better place with us than she was on the streets if we hadn't taken her in. So might be worth looking into fostering as a temporary trial?

Of course, you’re not unreasonable and getting a dog is a massive commitment.

But I think a lot of the responses have assumed that dog ownership = getting a puppy (and therefore going through the puppy training and committing to looking after it for 15 years or so). Dog ownership could be getting an adult rescue dog which would be a whole different ballgame.

I’ve got a 7 year old dog who goes for a walk and then sleeps on the sofa for the rest of the day - she’s very chilled/relaxed and she’s happy to be left alone for a few hours (obviously I don’t leave her more than 3 or 4 hours but that’s enough to eg go out for dinner or whatever). She’s really not a lot of extra work - I would go for a walk/run every day anyway.

If you looked at an adult rescue you’d have a completely different experience of dog ownership than the puppy owners.

Definitely think about arrangements for the dog if you go on holiday and so on. We have family nearby who look after our dog when we’re away but if we didn’t getting a dog looked after Feb be quite expensive.