To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

[olderandwiserx]

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

Yanbu.
Can they stay in a hotel nearby?

@Isababybel OP has said she doesn't want the ILs to have to stay in a hotel/B&B.

It sounds like OP accepts that she needs to take a step back but I never understand why, when its the in laws, the H seems to think he doesn't have to do anything? My DH is 100% aware that for his mother it's up to him to do the heavy lifting, including any room rearranging, bedding, tidying etc. Ditto entertaining.

OP said that the DH does do what he thinks needs doing for their visit.

@rookiemere

OP said that the DH does do what he thinks needs doing for their visit.

What he thinks needs doing and what actually needs doing could well be a gulf apart.

@BuanoKubiamVej

How come you are taking the responsibility for rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like mad, meal planning, shopping and playing host? What's your DH doing towards these efforts?

More to the point, why is it happening at all? When we stay with our adult kids we take our own bed linen, cook at least one meal while we’re there and are most definitely not “hosted”. They’re family, treat them like it instead of making it a state visit.

But @PurpleDaisies OP has also said that she gives the house a "mad clean" and wants it to be "spotless ".

So next trip she steps back and doesn't do what she normally does - I guess they'll find out then how much of it is necessary.

It sounds like different standards to me rather than a lazy DH. ILs may be happy go lucky just want to catch up with their family types, whereas OP wants to have house at show home standard and provide nice meals.

We - for various reasons- get a lot of DHs relatives staying on a short term basis. We're lucky enough to have a spare bedroom so I'll make up the bed, or leave the sheets for them to do it and ask them if they want me to add another portion of lasagna/spag bol for their dinner, but that's it. Takes very little time and I sense OPs concerns are about people in their house as well as the preparation.

Of course the DH only does what he thinks needs doing, he knows that if he does a half assed job that OP will do it all anyway.

People are really placing too much faith on him.

Once a month would be way too often for me. Don't they have lives of their own to live?

@WhatNoRaisins

Once a month would be way too often for me. Don't they have lives of their own to live?

It isn't once a month. It was two nights in July and two nights in December.

Half assed job of what though @phishy ?
Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

@rookiemere

Half assed job of what though *@phishy* ? Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

OP says the mental load is on her, so half assed job could be saying he'll cook but not actually doing the food shop for their visit or cleaning up properly afterwards, it could be saying he'll tidy up the clutter/toys and doing a crappy job so OP has to do it properly, not getting up in the morning and making breakfast for his parents and not telling his parents to help themselves, so OP feels she has to...

YABU. Funny how posters moan about their MILs but forget that the DILs can be horrible too.

@rookiemere

Half assed job of what though *@phishy* ? Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

Exactly. Apart from making up a bed, there needn’t be any extra work. Meals mean cooking double the quantity of whatever’s being cooked anyway and cleaning happens regardless of who’s in the house.

I feel posts like this really emphasis the difference between men and women. I drove an hour to visit a friend (she asked me and chose day / time) I'd not seen in months and she wouldn't invite me in (stood on doorstep) as the house was too much of a mess. I could tell from her perspective the state of the house is more of a bearing whereas for me I couldn't give a toss - but driving an hour to go for a walk in the cold, no loo etc was not on and I absolutely "judge" her for not thinking of my (pregnant) need for comfort. People are always apologising for their houses but I really don't think anyone notices and everyone has different standards of what they think is appropriate. I think relationships more important than the setting

That’s bloody awful @ChampagneLassie. What a horrible thing to do to you. I imagine that friendship has now bitten the dust.

It's not men and women @ChampagneLassie . Unless my house is a total pigsty - and it generally isn't- then I'm happy to welcome anyone in. They're here to see me, not give me votes in How Clean is your house.

@ChampagneLassie

I feel posts like this really emphasis the difference between men and women. I drove an hour to visit a friend (she asked me and chose day / time) I'd not seen in months and she wouldn't invite me in (stood on doorstep) as the house was too much of a mess. I could tell from her perspective the state of the house is more of a bearing whereas for me I couldn't give a toss - but driving an hour to go for a walk in the cold, no loo etc was not on and I absolutely "judge" her for not thinking of my (pregnant) need for comfort. People are always apologising for their houses but I really don't think anyone notices and everyone has different standards of what they think is appropriate. I think relationships more important than the setting

It's not a men v women thing. A lot of these DO want the house clean for their parents' visit, they just don't want to do the cleaning.

• a lot of these men

@rookiemere

It's not men and women *@ChampagneLassie* . Unless my house is a total pigsty - and it generally isn't- then I'm happy to welcome anyone in. They're here to see me, not give me votes in How Clean is your house.

I think just generally most men don't set such high standards / notice these things. I've never had a mad apologise for the state of his house (and sometimes they are in states), whereas women apologise when the place is gleaming!

But the DH in this particular post does not appear to be one of them @phishy . OP has stated that the ILs just want to see them regardless of the state of the house.

They live a distance away, they want to have a relationship with their DGC, OP will not moot the suggestion of staying in the hotel ( when they may well be happy to do so).

Hmm, I have my doubts rookie. I think OP needs to clarify what DH actually does.

I don't get why the hotel isn't an option. It's enough work when you've got spare rooms but if you're rearranging bedrooms any more than 2 or 3 times a year is surely more than enough.

I was doing maths based on the 5 times since summer, didn't read it as 5 nights

@saraclara

Where did I say I assumed the worst?

And why did you assume I had not read all of OP's comments? The reason I said that OP should stop is because she is doing so much.