Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

184 replies

olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 21:44

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 19/01/2022 07:15

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.
That really doesn't sound that bad. If they live far away and day trips aren't an option then it's a good solution.

Your DH should be contributing to "rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like mad, meal planning" etc. though, obviously.

rookiemere · 19/01/2022 07:19

Well of course it's going to be difficult if you feel ( but nobody else cares) that the house must be spotless, but equally you don't want the ILs to stay in a hotel.
Our visits to SIL got infinitely better once DH accepted I was too old to sleep on a broken mattress in their living room and we decamped to the Premier Inn. Rather than over filling our own house at Christmas some of the relatives stayed at a Travel Lodge at £50 for two nights.

I think you either need to lighten up with the pre-prep - by all means make DH do it, but if you want a show home that's kind of on you - or find a local PI or cheap hotel for the ILs. Otherwise the net result is they will see very little of their DGC.

ZenNudist · 19/01/2022 07:23

Amount of visits you state is very reasonable. Just chill out on the cleaning. Get DH to do more.

What do you do about seeing your parents?

HumunaHey · 19/01/2022 07:28

@Lockheart

I can't understand why some people treat family like honoured royal guests. And I don't mean that they're not as good, I mean they're family! Surely they don't care if your house isn't perfect and they're not being served a 3-course meal with wine pairings?

When I want to come home to my parents house all I do is ask if it's ok. And then when I get there I fetch my own linen from the cupboard, make my own bed, usually do some cleaning, and make some of the meals. I don't care if my mum hasn't recently hoovered or if the bathroom needs a dust, if it does I'll get a duster and do it myself. It's my parents house, not a hotel.

And when my mum comes to mine all I do is make sure it's not a complete tip and there's fresh bedding and a clean towel. This does not require extra effort since I possess more than one set of bedding and more than one towel - I just get whatever's clean. Again, I'm not a hotel, I'm her daughter.

I know not everyone's parents are as relaxed, but I think you're making this much more effort than it needs to be, OP.

And if it does need to be so much effort, hand it over to your husband.

Your own mother (whose house I assume you've once lived in) is quite different from in-laws. I have the same MO as you when I go to my mums.

For me, despite being with DH for years, I really want to make a good impression with his mum. But of course, he views his mum as I do mine - no need to roll out the red carpet for her visit . That's why I (and some others) end up running around tidying and preparing for PIL visits while DH is carefree. Some just have lazy DHs.

coraka · 19/01/2022 07:41

I feel your pain, but I think you do have to grin and bear it. That's not unreasonably often in my opinion.

I think make it so that not all the pressure is on you.

Let DH lead on the preparation for them
get them to babysit one night and you and DH go out for a meal.
Get them to cook for you
Get them involved in helping around the house rather than being guests waited on
Go out in the day yourself and let DH stay in with Baby and Pil

Also, could th

Howshouldibehave · 19/01/2022 07:41

Once a month for a night isn’t unreasonable. Your post sounds like you don’t want to stay at theirs and you don’t want them to stay at yours though!

What do you want??

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2022 07:43

@Howshouldibehave

Once a month for a night isn’t unreasonable. Your post sounds like you don’t want to stay at theirs and you don’t want them to stay at yours though!

What do you want??

Who are you to say that once a month isn’t too much for the op’s family? Once a month having weekend guests would be too much for us.
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/01/2022 07:46

Clearly my standards are down the drain here. My ILs have turned up to an unmade up bed and some folded clear sheets on the drawers ready to go on and done it themselves.
Wasn't intentional but I just hadn't gotten round to it.

We're a very relaxed family, both my side and DHs so it's never a burden on us when we visit or vice versa. No special shopping, no special cleaning.

Zonder · 19/01/2022 07:46

It isn't once a month though. It was two nights in July and two separate nights in December. That's hardly loads.

Would love to know how often OP has her family over.

reluctantbrit · 19/01/2022 07:46

Meeting half-way sounds like a lot of work for a day. You need to do something and that's then very weather depending and can't be easy with little ones either.

I would suggest a B&B or hotel for overnight stay, at least every now and then so you don't have to feel you need to rearrange your house just for one night. Unless you never have visitors I don't think having someone staying overnight means a top-to-bottom clean all the time.

Speak to your DH how to simplify it, eating out? Take away? He cooks?

PersonaNonGarter · 19/01/2022 07:55

YABU.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/01/2022 07:59

Alternate visits every 8 weeks of say two nights don’t sound too much if everyone gets on. But if they are always coming to you, that’s a lot - could you alternate between visits to you with meeting for a say out at a half way point? (In which case perhaps it’s every six weeks)

But other than that - the only solution is to let go of wanting the house to be spotless. Agree a compromise with DP, and make sure he takes on his fair share of shopping and meal planning - also make this as easy as poss, if you can’t afford to go out then picnic lunches and v simple suppers. If they are turning up regularly, they are part of the family, not honoured guests.

The visits will get less as the kids get older.

CaptSkippy · 19/01/2022 08:10

Your husband shouldn't "help". It's his damn house and his kids too. He should be pulling his weight like a normal adult.

Stop hosting whenever your inlaws stop by and leave it all to your husband. Let's see if he still wants to see them so often when he has to do it all.

harriethoyle · 19/01/2022 08:12

YABVVVVU. You begrudge them 4 stays in a year? Really unpleasant

rookiemere · 19/01/2022 08:14

Actually rereading your third post OP, I wonder if the concern is that the number of visits is ramping up. Twice in December and another visit in January does seem like quite a lot. Maybe you could agree frequency with your DH and then discuss with them.

saleorbouy · 19/01/2022 08:51

I presumed your parents live close by a therefore you can see them anytime.
I would suggest you get get on with it and try to get a more relaxed informal style of hosting.
It's not difficult to put in a little effort a few times a year so you DH and his parents can enjoy the kids.
Would you expect the same from him?

DishwashDogsDickens · 19/01/2022 09:11

Could you get a sofa bed in DS room ? Then the bedding is just theirs and doesn’t need to be jiggled as much ?

I feel that the hassle is the same whether it’s one day or two - how about have them less frequently - but for longer … and then visit them halfway inbetween times

If they stay for 3 days, you can ask them to help cook one night , or get a night off to yourself, guilt free , whilst they babysit … they will love it and so will DC

maddy68 · 19/01/2022 09:21

Yabu

It's his parents and they're traveling a long way. As long as it's not happening every week it's fine and you're being daft

saraclara · 19/01/2022 09:25

@CaptSkippy

Your husband shouldn't "help". It's his damn house and his kids too. He should be pulling his weight like a normal adult.

Stop hosting whenever your inlaws stop by and leave it all to your husband. Let's see if he still wants to see them so often when he has to do it all.

OP has said that he does what he feels is needed. She has also said that she knows she does too much, so he's only 'helping' in the sense that he's not doing everything, because 'everything' is not needed.

This whole 'assume the worst of any male' thing needs to stop. In his position I'd not do everything OP wants done, either. If my DH had a list like hers, I'd only "help" too.

MrsWinters · 19/01/2022 09:28

I think a lot of this depends on your in-laws. My MIL makes snide comments continuously about my house, I knew she was hard work and the first time she came to visit I worked myself into a right state cleaning the place and she was still rude- even though the place was immaculate (are her house generally filthy). I think many commenting have in-laws who are ‘normal’ people and want to pitch in and help their families and don’t appreciate that some in-laws can be quite difficult

Tricked2003 · 19/01/2022 09:30

It sounds as though you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be the perfect host, relax a bit more, ask MIL / FIL to cook or bring dinner with them. My mum used to bring her own sheets, help make up the bed and then take them home so I didn't have extra laundry!

Are they coming to see you or inspect the house? If they are happy to muck in YABU , if they sit there expecting to be waited on hand and foot and critisise everything YANBU.

rookiemere · 19/01/2022 09:30

Exactly @saraclara he knows his DPs are there to see their DGC, not a show home. He should absolutely do the basics - make the bed, tidy away clutter, scrub the toilet, buy some extra milk - but the house does not need an industrial clean and the PILs do not need gourmet cuisine.

seekinglondonlife · 19/01/2022 09:30

I think YANBU to not want guests but YABVU suggesting to go to Mils house to stay when you cba to host them.

Glitterygreen · 19/01/2022 09:35

I don't think 4 or 5 times since the summer is that much? Although it does sound like a few of these have been recently and close together.

Tbh it suits you better for them to come to you so I'd let that happen, as otherwise DH will likely push more for you to go to them.

Could he not take the kids sometimes and go to them and you stay home, if you're not keen on going?

LadyT27 · 19/01/2022 09:51

YABU,

His parents seem like they just want to spend quality time with their grandchild and son. I would say it was too much if they are within travelling distance for day trips but are not.
Why do you have to clean like a mad woman, meal prep and host? Let your DH take the lead as it's his family. Sounds like you are putting all this work on yourself, would they even expect this or be that bothered if the place was a bit messy?

Swipe left for the next trending thread