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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

184 replies

olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 21:44

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 19/01/2022 00:11

@saraclara

having someone to stay, or staying at theirs, is nightmarish when you have kids that age

How? My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away and we visited them at least every 5-6 weeks, and they'd come to us as often. We managed the baby, baby plus toddler, two toddlers and the stages upwards perfectly easily. Just as my SIL did with her two.

It seems that some people actively choose to make things hard work. Like the OP does.

Well, in my case because time, space and energy are very limited in my house (which is also now my permanent workplace, not through any choice of my own) while my kids are tiny and my husband and I have very full on jobs, and there are ten million things I’d rather be spending them on than overnight guests I’m unenthusiastic about. You misquoted and possibly misunderstood me, I said ‘the work of having someone to stay is nightmarish when you have kids that age’. Not the kids themselves. Some people do choose to make things hard work, yes - primarily, in this example, men who want hosting to happen in their house but aren’t remotely proactive about actually doing the work involved in said hosting.
Huntswomanonthemove · 19/01/2022 00:26

I wish posters wouldn’t talk about DHs “helping”. The word suggests that any sort of household job is women’s work and if a man can be persuaded to lift a finger he’s helping her.

Redarrow2017 · 19/01/2022 00:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BillyandMargot · 19/01/2022 00:34

You sound like a massive whingebag tbh. You don't want to go to them because 'you have an 18 month old' which isn't really a reason but you also don't want them to come to you.. so why don't you send the 18 month old with their dad then you can stay home and not see your in laws at all.. then come back here in 2 years and say you have no baby sitters

saraclara · 19/01/2022 00:41

You misquoted and possibly misunderstood me, I said ‘the work of having someone to stay is nightmarish when you have kids that age’

How could I misquote you when I copied and pasted the quote?

And no, the work was not nightmarish when they came to stay with me. I got their room ready, and that was all. They ate what we ate and our house was in the same state it was when they weren't there. In return they occupied the kids, my MIL washed up etc, and my FiL did all my ironing. He loved ironing.

Ploppy1322 · 19/01/2022 00:43

Why on earth do you do all the work to host them, I'd happily let my in laws stay if DH wanted them to but he'd be the one doing the cooking, cleaning etc (which he knows and is probably why he never invites them).

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 00:58

My in-laws came for a meal on Sunday. Dh cleaned the house and cooked the meal. I did the washing up. I love seeing them. I think you don't need to go mad on cleaning and your dh should definitely do loads of cooking and cleaning too!

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2022 00:59

I think 'you' don't need to go mad - you as a couple/family, not you personally.

Furries · 19/01/2022 01:19

Have only read OP posts. If their visits are for 1/2 nights, then I’d find a way to schedule them in to your year (working around school/work etc). Limit them to around four stays a year - maybe a bit longer if they stay over Christmas.

Then top it up with around 2 visits to stay with them. That way, you have a bit more control in your own home. Plus, you’re not packing everything to stay away. And you’re not doing the journey.

Yes, it can be a bit of a pain having others staying in your home. But if you’ve got a set number of visits (with a limit on the nights stayed), then you’re in a better place to plan - and you can, with practice, “guide” how the stay goes.

Cameleongirl · 19/01/2022 01:20

I much prefer to stay in a hotel or B and B when I visit people, it's relaxing both for me and them. I have every intention of staying elsewhere if I'm every lucky enough to have grandchildren to visit...unless my DC have a mansion. Grin

If it stresses you out, why don't you suggest a hotel next time. Worst case, they'll decline. It's not really a big deal.

WildImaginings · 19/01/2022 01:23

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.
Based on this, YABVU.

By all means, tell your husband he needs to help out with the prep if he's not doing so already. But they are his parents and you would be hugely unreasonable to refuse them staying for one night a month when they live a distance away.

Summerfun54321 · 19/01/2022 01:56

rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping

Just do all that after they arrive so they can help you with it 😂 get them to bring bedding, food shop after they arrive and tell them to ignore the mess, sorted!

Shamoo · 19/01/2022 02:32

YA definitely BVU, but I think you know that really based on your update. Find a way to lower your standards a little, if you can. Maybe each time they come do one or two less things. Order a takeaway to eat instead of cooking a big meal (if you can afford it), thinks like that.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/01/2022 02:40

Yoru DH should be doing his fair share.
His parents - so he shops, hosts, cooks, cleans etc.

Bellyups · 19/01/2022 02:49

YABU. They are family.

GnomeDePlume · 19/01/2022 04:29

@olderandwiserx

We lived abroad when DCs were small. Roughly every 6 weeks DM or DPiL would come to us and stay for a week. 3 DCs and no guest bedroom.

We did a number of things to make this work.

  • We designated one room as the visitor room so we always knew which DC would be moved plus DCs knew this. This meant the visit felt less of an upheaval.
  • Good quality fold up bed plus designated guest bed linen and towels Made organisation easier.
  • 2 drawers in a chest of drawers in the visitor room so that DM/DPiL could leave sundries (toiletries, travel clock, personal items) and not have to pack them each time.

This worked and made these visits easier to plan for and tidy up afterwards. As regular visitors they slipped into the routine. We would have a special meal when they arrived but other than that it would be business as usual.

I do understand how it can feel disruptive to have frequent visitors. Ease the disruption for yourselves by building a visitor routine. Remember that good enough really is good enough.

Acupofteaandabook · 19/01/2022 04:30

YABU! It sounds like it works out to a 1-2 night stay monthly? Have a plan with dh to help/pull his weight and embrace the fact they are good people and they want to be involved. I too occasionally struggle with overnight guests but can see with some time to reflect that's more related to anxiety than anything to do with the guests. The more I practice and make it more 'normal'/part of the routine, the easier it gets.

MiddleParking · 19/01/2022 04:55

@saraclara

You misquoted and possibly misunderstood me, I said ‘the work of having someone to stay is nightmarish when you have kids that age’

How could I misquote you when I copied and pasted the quote?

And no, the work was not nightmarish when they came to stay with me. I got their room ready, and that was all. They ate what we ate and our house was in the same state it was when they weren't there. In return they occupied the kids, my MIL washed up etc, and my FiL did all my ironing. He loved ironing.

Because you only cut and pasted some of the words in the sentence, changing the meaning? Confused congrats on the latter point I guess!
stayathomer · 19/01/2022 06:09

I totally get it OP, I do the same, find myself over cleaning when people come to visit and get stressed over crazy things. The only thing is I always think in these threads if people put the words 'my family' in instead of 'in laws', I think they'd see it differently. My family lives far away, dh's live down the road. I'd do anything to see them more regularly

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 19/01/2022 06:28

My ex PILs lived in Wales and us in the Midlands and would visit every month or so. We had 2 dc a year apart so yes it was manic but they are family so yes YABU as you may well know.

jackiebenimble · 19/01/2022 06:44

I used to have this. I believe that when you have very close family visiting regularly and small children-that you don't treat them as guests. And also they often want to be helpful.

Strip the bed and leave out the bedding and towels for them to use. But if theres no time
To make it up-don't sweat it.

Sure you can come next Thurs inlaws. But actually DH is on a late then and i have got X on so would you mind sorting the dinner thst evening? Would be such a help.

Ask them if they'd enjoy picking DC up from nursery or school. Ask them to babysit or take DC to park (they will love it) so you and DH can go for a coffee or do some DIY or whatever.

If a friend invites you out or kids have a party or a club-you still go. my mil would do a bit of ironing on a visit for me if id got behind.

Not all at once not every visit. But with v regular house guests-it saves your sanity.

headintheproverbial · 19/01/2022 06:46

I think the frequency sounds like a lot but not the fact that they stay at all.

If your parents loved far away would you be happy for all interactions to be on a day trip at a national trust or whatever?!

As others have said I think for you to stop resenting it your DH has to do more of the associated work. You also have to relax - if they are your in laws they don't have to see a perfect version of your house, just the reality and your family!

Fraine · 19/01/2022 06:52

Their DH’s parents so let him host them. So he should cook, clean, change sheets, entertain them, make cup of tea etc.

Tell him to get them a blow up mattress for the living room. Moving rooms for them is crazy.

megletthesecond · 19/01/2022 06:57

If you don't have a spare room I think that's too much hassle.
Either your DH does it all or they stay in a hotel.

CharityDingle · 19/01/2022 07:03

@Huntswomanonthemove

I wish posters wouldn’t talk about DHs “helping”. The word suggests that any sort of household job is women’s work and if a man can be persuaded to lift a finger he’s helping her.
Agreed.

The woman is automatically cast into the role of manager and the man as staff.

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