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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

184 replies

olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 21:44

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

OP posts:
Lockheart · 18/01/2022 23:06

@timeisnotaline

Once a month or so for one or two nights? I’d give dp a list of things that needed doing before, during and after and make it clear visits would end if they weeent done, arrange an unavoidable few hours out for me on those weekends- just coffee or a gym date, for a break and go for it.
Yes, that behaviour isn't unhealthy or controlling at all...

"Do as I say or you can't see your parents."

DishwashDogsDickens · 18/01/2022 23:06

You say they have been over 4 / 5 times since last summer

This includes Christmas period
And they never stay for more than 2 nights ( often only 1)

That works out as once a month or less
You are being unreasonable

Do you want to tell your DH and DC that you are not willing to invest in a relationship with his parents / their grandparents ?
Would you feel proud of you ?

Once a month is not a lot
But you need to rethink making it work - by changing cleaning / cooking expectations

ChelseaT14 · 18/01/2022 23:07

This reply has been deleted

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JSL52 · 18/01/2022 23:08

Why are you doing all the preparations for their visits ?

Hapoydayz · 18/01/2022 23:08

Yabu but get your DH to clean like mad if its an issue. Put your feet up and let them enjoy family time and get some time off. Don't be weird making about how hard it will be. Just do nothing. No big deal then

Mummy1232016 · 18/01/2022 23:08

Yabu

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 18/01/2022 23:10

I'm kind of sympathetic, but then I don't let any family stay anymore. I used to when the kids were little, but after a couple of slightly tricky visits, we decided no need to share the same house, and they go to a hotel, B & B or stay with local friends. I find we all get on so much better over about a two hour lunch or a daytrip! I accept I am mean though, and that money also comes into it although they stay in Air B ad B or cheap places.

thedefinitionofmadness · 18/01/2022 23:14

YABU but DH needs to do the facilitation and hosting

MiddleParking · 18/01/2022 23:14

My husband is like yours, loves having his mother to stay so she can spend time with our toddler and baby, but doesn’t volunteer for any of the work having her to stay entails - and the work of having someone to stay, or staying at theirs, is nightmarish when you have kids that age and weekends are such a precious limited resource. I think once a month is way too frequent if it’s you doing the legwork and not him. I’d struggle to commit to a monthly trip to the post office at this point in my life with tiny children let alone hosting overnight. The only way I could see this working and being a reasonable solution for you is if they can come to genuinely fit in with daily life, requiring no extra work or hosting except a bed change (done by your DH) and ideally joining in with the meal planning/cooking and offering to babysit DC while you get on with stuff. If they require being babysat themselves like my MIL does then that won’t work but it’s worth a come to Jesus talk with DH along those lines if he likes having them, or claims to.

Schoolchoicesucks · 18/01/2022 23:22

Them visiting for 1-2 nights every other month does not sound a lot, OP.

Unless they're obnoxious and you dislike them. But even so they're your dh's parents and your dc's grandparents so you kind of have to suck it up.

He needs to help with the making beds and meals and making sure the house is presentable. It doesn't need to be pristine.

If there's not space to comfortable put them up at yours, is there a local hotel or airbnb they could stay in? Is their house bigger? Could you do 2 visits to them for every visit to you? Or 1 to you, 1 somewhere central for a day trip and 1 to them?

Can they visit at a weekend when you have plans with friends, so they "help" DH with the dc? (And you get a weekend off!).

They're family and trying to have a relationship.

How often do you see your family? Do you feel the same way when they visit?

Original poster
olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 23:25

For those that need to know exactly how many days. They stayed here for 2 nights, 3 days in July. We then stayed 1 night at there's ( can't remember what month) They came here on two separate occasions in Dec and now again this month.

I never said I don't want to stay at their place. I love seeing them and we do stay there. There are a few factors that make it tricky ( both dh and I agree on, travel sickness, pet care, work, other family commitments) not that I don't want to, 'we' decided it's difficult at moment.

We don't have a spare room, and not much space. Throw in kids and animals it's a bit hectic. However I wouldn't want them to have to stay in a hotel

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to get house spotless. Dh does help out but only what he thinks needs doing...... as someone on here said the mental load of it is on me. I think that's my issue as lots going on at moment. I'll just go with the flow next time. They will always love to see us no matter the state of the house, I'll do what I can without a 'mad' clean and that will have to do

Thanks for the honest replies, I think from now on we will visit them more

OP posts:
saraclara · 18/01/2022 23:28

having someone to stay, or staying at theirs, is nightmarish when you have kids that age

How? My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away and we visited them at least every 5-6 weeks, and they'd come to us as often. We managed the baby, baby plus toddler, two toddlers and the stages upwards perfectly easily. Just as my SIL did with her two.

It seems that some people actively choose to make things hard work. Like the OP does.

Changethetoner · 18/01/2022 23:29

local B&B instead of staying with you?

saraclara · 18/01/2022 23:31

That's a lovely update, OP. And yes, you clearly like your in-laws and they like you. I'm sure they'd be horrified to think that you put so much work on yourself before their visits. I'm sure they don't care about your house being immaculate.

Zonder · 18/01/2022 23:32

Two nights in July and two nights in December? That's really not a lot. Lower your standards and make sure dh pulls his weight. And book a date night for you both while they're there.

gsaoej · 18/01/2022 23:35

You need to force your dh to take more responsibility and mental load - because you have a very small child and hence years of this shit is going to pile onto you. By the time your kids are grown, you will feel like and look like a fucking wreck (and that is what has happened to me). The fact that I am totally broken has spurred my dh into action - 16 years too late.

LetsGoParty · 18/01/2022 23:37

I think that's a lovely update too.
I hope you get to enjoy the visits more in future.

withgraceinmyheart · 18/01/2022 23:44

We don’t have ILs to stay. Dh isn’t bothered and wouldn’t make any effort to host, so I’d end up doing all the work and I won’t anymore.

YANBU to say that if your DP wants his parents to stay he’s mainly responsible for hosting.

violetbunny · 18/01/2022 23:46

I'm a bit similar in that I don't want people to judge me for having a messy house if they visit so will run myself ragged trying to get it pristine, whereas DP gives no fucks at all.

We have compromised by me saying I don't feel comfortable having people over unless XYZ is done as a bare minimum, and he needs to pull his weight in making that happen. So for example he is having a friend over this weekend and I've said fine so long as he makes up the room and hoovers/mops beforehand. I've lowered my standards a bit and DP also now knows any visitors means he needs to help ensure a basic level of cleanliness... not pristine but not a huge mess either.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 18/01/2022 23:50

This sounds like my worst nightmare. I’d be booking them a nice BnB because one of the littlest ones was “going through a bad phase at night” and I’d hope they enjoyed the break and freedom and it became the normal habit.

Pat123dev · 18/01/2022 23:53

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.
Yabu!!
Pat123dev · 18/01/2022 23:55

Sorry, posted before I finished!
I don't like my ils staying and vice versa - they do my head in, but the joy my children get from the relationship is worth it.
Sack off the cleaning, ditch the Red carpet, they take you as you are or don't come. Dh could step up too!

Lalliella · 18/01/2022 23:58

YABU, but DH should help more.

sillysmiles · 19/01/2022 00:05

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to get house spotless. Dh does help out but only what he thinks needs doing......

It's important to recognise the pressure is coming from yourself and not anyone else for the house to be perfect. They are his family, so let him set the tone for the level that needs to be done. Then enjoy the company and the time your children have building relationships with their grandparents.

saraclara · 19/01/2022 00:09

@Lalliella

YABU, but DH should help more.
So many people have said this, but OP has said herself that she doesn't really need to go over the top like this, and that its something that she imposes on herself.

If I had a spouse who was unnecessarily spending ten times as long as was needed in preparing for a visit, I'd be reluctant to do more than was strictly necessary, too.

It's not that he's not helping. He's doing what needs to be done, not what would be required for a royal visit, rather than 24 hours with his own parents.