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AIBU?

To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

184 replies

olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 21:44

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

OP posts:
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Sedai · 22/01/2022 08:31

I think you're being unreasonable. It's once a month ish, it's difficult for you all to travel, and it's lovely they want to see you.
BUT if I was you I'd make it very clear to your husband you're not running around doing everything and he can do his equal share in getting the house ready for them. Yanbu at all to be annoyed the load falls on you. If you're getting the house clean, he can be changing around rooms, getting the kids ready, sorting the pets with what they need etc.

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Briony123 · 22/01/2022 08:24

Give up cleaning like mad. Your husband just needs to hoover and clean the bathroom. Likewise, he doesn't need to stress about the meals, he can prepare batches in advance so they can have a nice stew, Bolognese or something with minimal fuss for him on the day.
There is absolutely no need for you to panic that your OH is overly-stressed, with planning, he will be fine with it!

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DishwashDogsDickens · 22/01/2022 07:59

[quote GnomeDePlume]@olderandwiserx

We lived abroad when DCs were small. Roughly every 6 weeks DM or DPiL would come to us and stay for a week. 3 DCs and no guest bedroom.

We did a number of things to make this work.

  • We designated one room as the visitor room so we always knew which DC would be moved plus DCs knew this. This meant the visit felt less of an upheaval.
  • Good quality fold up bed plus designated guest bed linen and towels Made organisation easier.
  • 2 drawers in a chest of drawers in the visitor room so that DM/DPiL could leave sundries (toiletries, travel clock, personal items) and not have to pack them each time.


This worked and made these visits easier to plan for and tidy up afterwards. As regular visitors they slipped into the routine. We would have a special meal when they arrived but other than that it would be business as usual.

I do understand how it can feel disruptive to have frequent visitors. Ease the disruption for yourselves by building a visitor routine. Remember that good enough really is good enough.[/quote]
This!!!
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Cameleongirl · 19/01/2022 23:23

If my hosts didn't have a spare room, I'd definitely prefer to sleep in a hotel, I can't stand pull-out sofas or camp beds. Although it sounds as if you give up your bed for them - I'd try offering to book a hotel room for them though. That's what we do now when we visit family, it's so much more comfortable. I've had too many sleepless nights on my IL's camp beds!

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Kite22 · 19/01/2022 23:03

YABVU to think it is unreasonable of them to want to stay for 1 or two nights once in July, twice in December(so 5 months later, and presumably including Christmas) and once in January.


YA also BU to do this: I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host You've said in a later post that no-one expects this and you are only putting this pressure on yourself. That is the issue, not your in-laws.

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RosesAndHellebores · 19/01/2022 22:41

To be fair having read the ops third post, with no spare room that is challenging. Would they pay for you and dh to go to the local Premier Inn while they have the privilege of loving up to the gc. Honestly, that's worth thinking about.

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FatLabrador · 19/01/2022 19:08

Maybe it seemed more to OP as they came twice in Dec then once this month, so 3 visits close together.

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Zonder · 19/01/2022 14:28

The 5 times since summer included the OP going to the in-laws.

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Knittingnanny2 · 19/01/2022 14:18

You daughters in law sound lovely, please could I come and stay? I’ll babysit, play with your children and clear up after myself.

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CaptSkippy · 19/01/2022 13:47

@saraclara

Where did I say I assumed the worst?

And why did you assume I had not read all of OP's comments? The reason I said that OP should stop is because she is doing so much.

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WhatNoRaisins · 19/01/2022 11:28

I was doing maths based on the 5 times since summer, didn't read it as 5 nights

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WhatNoRaisins · 19/01/2022 11:27

I don't get why the hotel isn't an option. It's enough work when you've got spare rooms but if you're rearranging bedrooms any more than 2 or 3 times a year is surely more than enough.

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phishy · 19/01/2022 11:23

Hmm, I have my doubts rookie. I think OP needs to clarify what DH actually does.

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rookiemere · 19/01/2022 11:20

But the DH in this particular post does not appear to be one of them @phishy . OP has stated that the ILs just want to see them regardless of the state of the house.

They live a distance away, they want to have a relationship with their DGC, OP will not moot the suggestion of staying in the hotel ( when they may well be happy to do so).

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ChampagneLassie · 19/01/2022 11:20

@rookiemere

It's not men and women *@ChampagneLassie* . Unless my house is a total pigsty - and it generally isn't- then I'm happy to welcome anyone in. They're here to see me, not give me votes in How Clean is your house.

I think just generally most men don't set such high standards / notice these things. I've never had a mad apologise for the state of his house (and sometimes they are in states), whereas women apologise when the place is gleaming!
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phishy · 19/01/2022 11:18
  • a lot of these men
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phishy · 19/01/2022 11:18

@ChampagneLassie

I feel posts like this really emphasis the difference between men and women. I drove an hour to visit a friend (she asked me and chose day / time) I'd not seen in months and she wouldn't invite me in (stood on doorstep) as the house was too much of a mess. I could tell from her perspective the state of the house is more of a bearing whereas for me I couldn't give a toss - but driving an hour to go for a walk in the cold, no loo etc was not on and I absolutely "judge" her for not thinking of my (pregnant) need for comfort. People are always apologising for their houses but I really don't think anyone notices and everyone has different standards of what they think is appropriate. I think relationships more important than the setting

It's not a men v women thing. A lot of these DO want the house clean for their parents' visit, they just don't want to do the cleaning.
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rookiemere · 19/01/2022 11:16

It's not men and women @ChampagneLassie . Unless my house is a total pigsty - and it generally isn't- then I'm happy to welcome anyone in. They're here to see me, not give me votes in How Clean is your house.

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Blossomtoes · 19/01/2022 11:14

That’s bloody awful @ChampagneLassie. What a horrible thing to do to you. I imagine that friendship has now bitten the dust.

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ChampagneLassie · 19/01/2022 11:13

I feel posts like this really emphasis the difference between men and women. I drove an hour to visit a friend (she asked me and chose day / time) I'd not seen in months and she wouldn't invite me in (stood on doorstep) as the house was too much of a mess. I could tell from her perspective the state of the house is more of a bearing whereas for me I couldn't give a toss - but driving an hour to go for a walk in the cold, no loo etc was not on and I absolutely "judge" her for not thinking of my (pregnant) need for comfort. People are always apologising for their houses but I really don't think anyone notices and everyone has different standards of what they think is appropriate. I think relationships more important than the setting

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Blossomtoes · 19/01/2022 11:06

@rookiemere

Half assed job of what though *@phishy* ?
Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

Exactly. Apart from making up a bed, there needn’t be any extra work. Meals mean cooking double the quantity of whatever’s being cooked anyway and cleaning happens regardless of who’s in the house.
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WhatATimeToBeAlive · 19/01/2022 11:04

YABU. Funny how posters moan about their MILs but forget that the DILs can be horrible too.

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phishy · 19/01/2022 10:59

@rookiemere

Half assed job of what though *@phishy* ?
Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

OP says the mental load is on her, so half assed job could be saying he'll cook but not actually doing the food shop for their visit or cleaning up properly afterwards, it could be saying he'll tidy up the clutter/toys and doing a crappy job so OP has to do it properly, not getting up in the morning and making breakfast for his parents and not telling his parents to help themselves, so OP feels she has to...
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rookiemere · 19/01/2022 10:48

Half assed job of what though @phishy ?
Making sure they have somewhere to sleep and have a meal to eat is hard to muck up surely. All the rest is not necessary for close family, unless the house is so dirty that it's unhygienic in which case it needs cleaning anyway with a young DC.

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Zonder · 19/01/2022 10:48

@WhatNoRaisins

Once a month would be way too often for me. Don't they have lives of their own to live?

It isn't once a month. It was two nights in July and two nights in December.
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