To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

[olderandwiserx]

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

Another one for YABU. Sorry OP I know how tricky in laws can be, but that kind of frequency isn’t unreasonable

Why do you have to provide the extra maid service?

Why doesn’t your husband do the hosting and increased work that’s required?

1. It's not unreasonable for grandparents to stay overnight once a month.
2. It is your dh who should be doing any additional work for this, as it's his parents and it's him who wants to see them, not you.

Of course you are being unreasonable!
They are your DH's parents.
Do you hope to have a good relationship with your children when they are adults and live elsewhere?

@gogohm

Yabu

It's normal for parents to stay if you live far away, no need to clean like a mad woman and just serve up the meals you normally would. Your dp gets to share the duties too

Yes. You're being ridiculous to be cleaning like a madwoman and treating this like a royal visit. When my in-laws came to stay, the only extra work was putting fresh linen on the bed in the spare room. They fitted in with us, and when we visited them, they were their normal selves too.

It's ridiculous that you don't want to have them AND you don't want to stay with them. Meeting half way is beyond impersonal. They're family. They're your child's grandparents and their home should be familiar and homey to him. It was (presumably) your DH's home and he should be able to go back sometimes.
Your PILs should be able to see their son's home as somewhere where they're welcome and can feel at home. You can't expect a kind of privacy that rejects your husband's parents.

You're making this a really big deal when it doesn't need to be.

@FFSFFSFFS

Why do you have to provide the extra maid service?

Why doesn’t your husband do the hosting and increased work that’s required?

DH doesn't believe that all this extra work is necessary. And he's right. So why should he be scrubbing the skirting boards?

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.

This doesn't seem very often at all. I think you're being unreasonable.

So basically once a month?

Just write a list of what needs doing and split the work. How much can it be?

YABU to be doing all the work. Tell DH that for the next 6 visits, he’s doing all the rearranging, meal-planning, cleaning, cooking etc. After that you might help him a little.

If you feel self-conscious with MIL when your house is less-than-pristine, make sure you praise Dh in front of her, for doing all the cleaning.

@Sorenka7

Why doesn’t your DH do the rearranging, cleaning, meal-planning etc? I think it’s hard to refuse to have them but you’re certainly within your rights not to do the leg work.

This ^

They can probably tell if they are not welcome! One of my ( overseas) daughters in law doesn’t really like me staying. For whatever reason I’ve no idea. She always shows barely disguised relief when I say I’ll stay round the corner in a hotel! It’s fine, not enough reason for me to make a bug issue of it because everyone is different. But it’s easy to tell if you’re not welcome for overnight visits. Other daughter in law is the opposite. Looks forward to me and her mum staying when we visit ( also overseas)
Like I said, everyone is different, if you don’t like overnight visitors, help them find a nearby place to stay , don’t let it become an issue that eats away at the relationship.

Why do you have to clean like mad?
Clean sheets and a bunch of flowers does it and honestly if they last stayed for two nights a month ago and nobody's slept in the bed since, the sheets are probably fine. Clean towels and a face cloth should do the trick

What meal planning. It's one or two nights. You double up what you would have had anyway and divert the children in their direction at 5.45 and have some more winks

yabvu. single night stays are eminently reasonable. my instinct is that say something like up to around 7 nights a year sounds reasonable for grandparents of young children. the figure might be slightly lower depending on circumstances, e.g. a relatively newly widowed grandparent might be feeling extra lonely & reasonably expect to stay more than that, on the other hand if you have relatively little space to put them up in then a whole week might start to feel like a lot.

maybe try knocking back a couple of valium or something shortly before they arrive.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I feel exactly the same as you when people come to stay, it’s not fun for me and I’d rather they just go home!

I'm sorry you're getting a rough time on here, OP. I feel the same as you. We live about four hours drive from the ILs so we usually meet half way for a pub meal and a walk. A couple of times, DH has taken the Dch to stay at his parents without me (if I'm working) which gives me a break. If they come to yours at least have a takeaway/go out for a meal. But in any case, expect them to fit in with how you do breakfast etc.

I can't understand why some people treat family like honoured royal guests. And I don't mean that they're not as good, I mean they're family! Surely they don't care if your house isn't perfect and they're not being served a 3-course meal with wine pairings?

When I want to come home to my parents house all I do is ask if it's ok. And then when I get there I fetch my own linen from the cupboard, make my own bed, usually do some cleaning, and make some of the meals. I don't care if my mum hasn't recently hoovered or if the bathroom needs a dust, if it does I'll get a duster and do it myself. It's my parents house, not a hotel.

And when my mum comes to mine all I do is make sure it's not a complete tip and there's fresh bedding and a clean towel. This does not require extra effort since I possess more than one set of bedding and more than one towel - I just get whatever's clean. Again, I'm not a hotel, I'm her daughter.

I know not everyone's parents are as relaxed, but I think you're making this much more effort than it needs to be, OP.

And if it does need to be so much effort, hand it over to your husband.

Is it ok for your parents to stay over?

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.

Yabu I'm afraid...

Candidly... I strongly dislike my mil and we see her about this often... because she is my DHs mum.

She tends to inflict herself on me invite herself to stay for 2-3 days as minimum and at Christmas she was invited for 3 nights and stayed for 7
So you are getting off likely really....

Anyway things that will help...

• Dh preps and sorts the room, cleans the house and sorts laundry when she leaves.
• I plan nothing for her so we sit round awkwardly as my DH seemingly has no initiative when it comes to his mother... there a lot of long walks
• I do plan things for me to do that let me escape / give my a break from her

-for visits up to hers i send DH alone so he can have more interminably dull long walks quality time

YABU

However he should be doing the work including entertainment

I used to think that I was a fairly imperfect daughter in law. But it's threads like this that make me realise why my MIL loved me.

So basically I reckon 1 night is very reasonable and you are getting off likely... because my 2 nights are arriving 11am Friday and not buggering off until 5 -6pm on Sunday

If it's only once a month or less often I'd say YABU - that's 12 times max you see them in a year & they are doing all the travelling to get to you.

Once a month or so for one or two nights? I’d give dp a list of things that needed doing before, during and after and make it clear visits would end if they weeent done, arrange an unavoidable few hours out for me on those weekends- just coffee or a gym date,
for a break and go for it.

@timeisnotaline

Once a month or so for one or two nights? I’d give dp a list of things that needed doing before, during and after and make it clear visits would end if they weeent done, arrange an unavoidable few hours out for me on those weekends- just coffee or a gym date, for a break and go for it.

A list? For an adult who lives in the same house?