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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not think I should have to have in laws staying overnight?

184 replies

olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 21:44

Dh loves to have his parents visit to see our young children and so he can enjoy time with them. They live quite far away and it's a bit too far for a day visit. I've suggested meet ups half way and us going to stay at there's but it is tricky with kids and work. We do sometimes stay at there's overnight but we have a little one, 18 months, and I find it's just easier not to.

Aibu that I like the privacy of my home and I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host?

I don't for a minute mean I don't want us to see them, I love seeing them, just not such frequent overnight visits. Am I the abnormal one here?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 22:17

You’ve missed out how often they stay.

And wtf is this:

I don't like to have to keep rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like a mad woman, meal planning, shopping and playing host

They’re family, they’re coming to see you, not inspect your skirting boards. And they’re DH’s family, he wants them there, he does what needs doing. Just stop it all.

KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 22:17

Depends on the in laws and how much your OP does to host. They might prefer a hotel?

Scbchl · 18/01/2022 22:19

Yabu

TheFishWillSeeYouNow · 18/01/2022 22:21

How often? YABU to do all that prep, your DH should be sorting the beds and towels, meal planning, shopping and cooking for them. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

EileenGC · 18/01/2022 22:21

My family and are I have a rule - if you’re going to do extra cleaning just because I’m coming to visit, then I’ll just stay home. Going to see the people you love shouldn’t cause extra work for the hosts. We want to see each other, not look under the bed to see how much dirt there is!

Original poster
olderandwiserx · 18/01/2022 22:22

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.

OP posts:
Christmasbird · 18/01/2022 22:23

Get them to "invest" in a garden lodge/cabin type thing in the garden if you have room Grin

NoSquirrels · 18/01/2022 22:23

@olderandwiserx

Usually only for 1 or 2 nights. This will be the 4th or 5th time since last summer that they've stayed at ours or visa versa.
So once a month for 1-2 nights?
33goingon64 · 18/01/2022 22:23

YABU. HTH.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 22:23

Why are you doing all the work? If you stopped would DH take over or would it not matter if he didn’t? You might be making unnecessary work for yourself.

WafflesnBlueberries · 18/01/2022 22:25

Yup you're unreasonable.

A) His parents = family so slack off on cleaning.
B) His parents … if he's precious he should clean… actually how come you've not trained him to clean already - blame his parents for this, "If you wanted the house tidy when you visited you should have taught your son to use a hoover."
C) His parents = free childcare ... (ok no childcare is free - you always have to pay for it, listening to unsolicited advice, judgement, catering for the "free carers" - sometimes paying is the better option ) They may feel happy being able to help.

This only applies if there is reasonably enough space, the in-laws are relatively house trained and not too judgemental, and the visits are not too frequent. All of which are subjective.

Our cleaning / prep for the Olds is limited to removing too many trip hazards. If we've all the children here then the Olds get the sofa bed - otherwise they get a kids room.

Halfabag · 18/01/2022 22:25

YABU that’s not a lot to see your husbands family. If it’s far away they are probably wanting to see them for more than a lunch or whatever. It’s easier to spend time in a home imo

givethatbabyaname · 18/01/2022 22:26

YABU

If it’s the housework you’re most concerned about, tell DH to pull his weight

sausagedogsforever · 18/01/2022 22:27

YABU

PJsAndRainyDays · 18/01/2022 22:29

Well is it .4 or 5 and how many times were they dating with you out of those visits?

If they've stayed with you twice since last summer then that's not very much at all and YABU

toomuchlaundry · 18/01/2022 22:29

Do you have a spare room?

HumunaHey · 18/01/2022 22:29

@BuanoKubiamVej

How come you are taking the responsibility for rearranging bedrooms, cleaning like mad, meal planning, shopping and playing host? What's your DH doing towards these efforts?
This happens with me. As much as I love my MIL, I would feel judged if she ever saw the state the house is usually in. DH couldn't care less about tidying, says his mum wouldn't even notice the mess (yes she would). He also is stubborn in catering to others and thinks guests should eat what we eat. We drink oat milk and DH insists she can have that or nothing. She's tried it before and didn't like it. He's lovely to his mom but for some reason, wouldn't bother to get her a 50p pint of cow's milk so she can enjoy a nice coffee.

It's me that carries the mental load of such things, meanwhile DH is carefree with a 'like it or lump it' attitude.

NoSquirrels · 18/01/2022 22:30

Assume you don’t have a spare room?

For one weekend a month you can get a takeaway or DH can cook or you can go out and let them babysit!

If you don’t like to host go visit them more often - or send DH with DC and have a weekend off every now and then.

Ijustreallywantacat · 18/01/2022 22:30

YABU. Let DH do the work and/or lower your standards. They won't care.

gogohm · 18/01/2022 22:33

Yabu

It's normal for parents to stay if you live far away, no need to clean like a mad woman and just serve up the meals you normally would. Your dp gets to share the duties too

TheChemicalMother · 18/01/2022 22:35

YABU.

codexa · 18/01/2022 22:37

Many visitors have no idea how being an overnight or longer guest can impinge on the host's life.

I know they are family and everyone loves each other, but do visitors EVER give any thoughts about putting people out at all?

Personally, I would never stay in anyone's house. I do not want to disrupt their routine and I always feel awkward, so will stay nearby. Everyone is happy. I don't have visitors to stay in my house either, unless there is a snowstorm and they can't leave! I will pay for their accommodation nearby when they are in town, and we see each other as much as we can.

I do realise that it is frowned upon on MN not to have family/friends to stay, but still....I reckon more people hate having guests than hosting them. Be honest now!

ButtockUp · 18/01/2022 22:37

Yes, YABU.

FatLabrador · 18/01/2022 22:38

I think when you get married you do marry into a family and you should try to to facilitate your spouse's relationship with their family within reason and unless they are not treating you well. Most people want to be able to have meaningful visits with their parents especially if you have dc (and to help their parents out if they need it as they get older) and I think it's not unreasonable for them to have that. So you do have some responsibility to him to let him host them in your joint home a reasonable amount if that is something he wants to do. Having said that I agree he should be doing most of the work involved in looking after them when they visit and if you are having to rearrange the bedrooms that is quite inconvenient so you shouldn't have to do it too often.

unfortunateevents · 18/01/2022 22:38

So 4 or 5 visits since last Summer in either their or your home means they have stayed with you twice or possibly three times since last - what, June, July maybe? - for a max of 6 nights, and quite possibly more like 3-4 nights. It's not a lot to ask of you really OP. Unless your house is a tip stop with the mad cleaning and get a takeaway or a Cook meal with some salad for dinner. Shopping? Presume you have to go to the supermarket anyway so I'm not sure what the big deal is about adding a bit more food to one shop - unless of course they require very special foods only found in the expensive artisan shop 25 miles away! In which case they can bring their own, they are coming to spend time with their family and grandchild, it's a bit mean not to extend some hospitality to them, particularly as you don't seem prepared to go to their very often either.

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