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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
HeadToToesNo · 18/01/2022 20:34

I think this sounds like a symptom of a really dodgy relationship...

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2022 20:35

Good for you. I have a feeling you'll be needing that money.

CoffeeRunner · 18/01/2022 20:35

Does he earn the same or more than you?

Are all household bills split evenly?

YANBU at all to put your own money into your own savings account.

Conspiracyornotr · 18/01/2022 20:36

Good.on you I would do the bloody same he's taking the piss . Xx

DrManhattan · 18/01/2022 20:36

Are you married ? As its all yours and his (unless you have a prenup)

Original poster
JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:38

@CoffeeRunner

Does he earn the same or more than you?

Are all household bills split evenly?

YANBU at all to put your own money into your own savings account.

We earn the same.

They aren't split 100% evenly but it works out that I pay slightly more than him. He pays the mortgage and a couple of small bills from his, I pay the rest of the bills and ALL of the shopping and ALL of our sons costs like clothes etc .. and put money in the savings. The only money he sends me is half of the nursery fees and even then I have to remind him repeatedly.

The thing that pisses me off is I don't just get to say "soz got no money left". Because I'm the one who gets all the shopping, need some milk? It's my card that pays. Need some more bread? Mine. If I had no money in my bank we'd be screwed whereas he just pays his direct debits and then that's that he thinks he doesn't need to do anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:39

If anything comes up in the month it's me. Because like I say he just pays his direct debits and that's him done. Whereas I have to make sure we have money for whatever the month brings. He doesn't think about it.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/01/2022 20:40

How can he justify never having paid into it and suggesting you use it? He thinks you as a couple are saving towards something when he never contributes? Yanbu, but you know that. You have perhaps been unreasonable to put up with such rubbish and call it joint at all. This can’t be the only problem (& it’s a big one anyway)

ButtockUp · 18/01/2022 20:40

That you've done this suggests that your marriage is skewed.
A discussion is clearly needed as the way you've both been handling finances is untenable.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/01/2022 20:40

Hmm, I think it depends on a lot of the financial setup. So in our house, DH pays more of the bills than I do, but I pay into the family saving accounts. So yes that money is mine, without DH paying what he does I wouldn't be able to save that money and therefore it wouldn't be there.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 18/01/2022 20:41

Sorry cross post

Conspiracyornotr · 18/01/2022 20:42

@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X

FFSFFSFFS · 18/01/2022 20:42

I find it telling that you’ve described it as you feeling like you’re still paying for everything….you ARE paying for everything.

Awful situation. Do you have kids?

Original poster
JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:43

@FFSFFSFFS

I find it telling that you’ve described it as you feeling like you’re still paying for everything….you ARE paying for everything.

Awful situation. Do you have kids?

Yes a 1 year old.
OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 18/01/2022 20:44

What is he spending all of his money on?

helenabonhamfarter · 18/01/2022 20:45

I'm worried by the comment that he pays the mortgage.
I hope that doesn't put you in a precarious position in the future.

Motherland101 · 18/01/2022 20:45

So if you earn the same and you pay out so much more than him, what does he do with the rest of the money that he has left?

To be honest, this His and Her money gives me the ick, There should be one single household income, and obviously individual savings if that's what you like. In your situation, given that you earn the same, I'd draw up a budgeting sheet and get him to contribute 50% to everything. He's clearly taking the piss and this doesn't sound healthy at all.

FFSFFSFFS · 18/01/2022 20:45

Okeydoke. Time to start making your plan and setting yourself and your child up.

yoyo1234 · 18/01/2022 20:47

I think there will be upset as although he did not add a fair share to the account he also (as you haven't mentioned that he has) does not take from it . I think you need to talk about finances and what the savings are for.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 18/01/2022 20:48

Have you not talked about the food shopping and the things your son needs?

How has this happened? How has it gotten to this stage?

You need to keep recipes for everything and he needs to pay half.

Either all money goes into a joint account and everything is paid from there, and you both take even spending money for purely fun use for yourself (nothing for you child, that comes from joint funds) or you keep your money separate and pay everything 50/50.

You need to have a proper discussions and choose. He must have so much money squirrelled away whilst you're paying for everything for your kid and all the food etc. You cannot live like this.

Serious discussion time or leave and give him a proper wake up call.

CanofCant · 18/01/2022 20:48

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
This is absolute bollocks and should not be an accepted view. Don't resign yourself into thinking this.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2022 20:48

It sounds like you need a proper, grown up conversation about how your finances aren’t working at the moment and how to change that going forward. I’m not sure just changing the name on your savings will help.

CanofCant · 18/01/2022 20:49

I agree with what you've done though OP. Don't let him continue to take the piss or drag you down.

Ipadflowers · 18/01/2022 20:50

Gosh that’s really sad, he’s really using you.

BatshitBanshee · 18/01/2022 20:51

What do you get from the relationship OP? Because I gather he doesn't really offer much stability or security. YANBU. You would also not be unreasonable to LTB.