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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:08

So the issue is mental load OP, not that you spend more than him?

It's both. I 100% spend more than him and literally all of the budgeting to make sure we have enough money for everything we need outside of a few direct debits is all on me too.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/01/2022 22:09

How come he doesn't have any money if all he does is pay a fee direct debits and has money left over afterwards?

RedskyThisNight · 18/01/2022 22:10

@JointAccountBye

He can't even use his bank card (forgot the pin years ago). But he never needs to because I pay for everything (other than his direct debits).

It sounds like the system suggested by many on here where you have a joint account which pays all bills, food and incidentals would work for you. (anything left over is split equally between your personal accounts). He gets to make one direct debit into the account and not think about it. You know that everything is covered and can dump some of the mental load.

Have you actually asked him to pay more/suggested such an arrangement. I'm not necessarily getting that he's being unfair deliberately, more that he's never really thought about your arrangement in detail.

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:11

@JointAccountBye

So the issue is mental load OP, not that you spend more than him?

It's both. I 100% spend more than him and literally all of the budgeting to make sure we have enough money for everything we need outside of a few direct debits is all on me too.

The mental load would be helped by having a joint household account.

You haven't yet said how much more than him you spend, other than it is a small amount, but he IS correct that if you took that small amount from the savings that would equalise things.

FrecklesMalone · 18/01/2022 22:14

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
Quite a sexist comment! I would say about half the men I know are good at saving and half the women are.

DirtyDancing · 18/01/2022 22:15

Sounds like you are carving it up all wrong. It doesn't make any sense, especially as you earn the same I should be a straightforward conversation.

We have x outgoings.
We have x income
Let's both put x into a joint account each month to cover it and all the bills come out of the account.
Including all random shopping bits.
We both contribute X% into saving account to save up for big things and the rainy day fund eg boiler breaks

The rest is in your own account to do as you so wish. Piece of piece. I don't get why you argue over it

I'd want to be paying half the mortgage too..

PurpleThursdays · 18/01/2022 22:16

Do you both have money left over at the end of the month OP? Or is that he is 100% spent up and you - after putting savings to one side - have to budget for the month on what is left? I'm confused without the detail.

The mental load is a separate issue, and whilst it is unfair, a joint account you both pay a set amount into to cover monthly costs would be sensible and would alleviate that burden.

FireworkParrot · 18/01/2022 22:17

I think you ought to repurpose the existing joint account. Add up all your family outgoings eg. £1k per month. Both pay £600 into joint account by standing order. Everything for the household and your child then comes out of that account. Bills, groceries, childcare etc.

If you earn the same, just do this OP. If you earn different amounts then pay the same percentage of your salary into the joint account instead. It's fair, simple and saves all this hassle. The way you have it set up currently sounds ridiculous and of course is going to cause issues.

Original poster

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:18

You haven't yet said how much more than him you spend, other than it is a small amount, but he IS correct that if you took that small amount from the savings that would equalise things

Then I'd just be equalising it with my own money because he pays absolutely nothing into the savings

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 18/01/2022 22:20

This set up - man pays fixed bills, woman pays variable bills like shopping, child stuff etc - is ALWAYS ALWAYS unfair on the woman.

Fuck that.

All costs added up over an annual basis, with a budget for car repairs, food shopping, kids clothes and all of the other necessary “etc” stuff. Divide by 12. Divide by 2. You each pay that into a bills/joint account.

Ugzbugz · 18/01/2022 22:20

I bet he has large savings in a secret account.

Why don't you both put x amount into a joint account and everything comes from that so say for example both put 1k into cover mortgage, bills, nursery fees, food etc. Then what you have left over is yours.

Hes absolutely mugging you off x

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:21

@JointAccountBye

You haven't yet said how much more than him you spend, other than it is a small amount, but he IS correct that if you took that small amount from the savings that would equalise things

Then I'd just be equalising it with my own money because he pays absolutely nothing into the savings

But you pay absolutely nothing into the mortgage OP! That is like you saying that the house is his only because it is paid with his own money!

You both spend similar amounts each month. That is the bottom line.

Original poster

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:23

He does have money left over yes and he spends it on stupid stuff. Anything he wants he gets. Like I say he thinks his part is paying a few direct debits and that's it.

If it makes any difference the mortgage is £450 so not some staggering amount he then pays a phone contract and the internet.

I pay for everything else. Council tax, gas and electric, water, house insurance, pet insurance, boiler insurance, car finance, all of the shopping, everything for our son bar half the nursery fees, absolutely anything else we need money for in the month comes from me.

He pays his 3 direct debits then swans off acting like nothing else is his problem. He just turns around and says he has nothing left if something comes up. Like it's my job to pay for everything else and not his problem.

I actually did try and do the joint account thing. I set one up and said we needed to set all direct debits to come from it but that was too much work apparently.

OP posts:

Original poster

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:24

The argument we had tonight came about because I asked him to send me some money for our sons birthday present. No money left apparently. I can just take it from the savings (my savings).

OP posts:

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:25

@JointAccountBye

You haven't yet said how much more than him you spend, other than it is a small amount, but he IS correct that if you took that small amount from the savings that would equalise things

Then I'd just be equalising it with my own money because he pays absolutely nothing into the savings

If you take money out of the savings it is the same as you paying less into the savings. So your expenditure lowers, and you are equal.

It isnt the best way to approach it though. You need a joint bank account for all household expenditure including mortgage and savings.

TheFoundation · 18/01/2022 22:25

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
Rubbish. Plenty of men are savvy with money. Plenty of women aren't. This isn't about 'men are crap', this is about OP's partner choosing to opt out of a fair lifestyle when he could easily choose to opt in.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 18/01/2022 22:25

Fair enough if you’ve paid most of the money. DP and I have separate finances. We’ve been together 18 years and it works fine. We do 50/50 on everything. The only thing he pays for is holidays as he earns more, we go 50/50 on everything on holiday. Takeaways he usually buys more because he wants more. But most of the time I’ll pay the next time. It works well for us.

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:26

@JointAccountBye

The argument we had tonight came about because I asked him to send me some money for our sons birthday present. No money left apparently. I can just take it from the savings (my savings).

Not "your savings", OP. It belongs to both of you, as does the house.

NoSquirrels · 18/01/2022 22:26

Why the actual fuck would you have agreed to this in the first place?

If you don’t have shared finances you shouldn’t have a joint savings account.

Stop doing it the way you’re doing it.

Add up what you spend over the month. Bill him.

He sounds like a useless arse.

Original poster

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:27

If you take money out of the savings it is the same as you paying less into the savings. So your expenditure lowers, and you are equal

Yes I do understand the idea. But it still means I'm just paying for more stuff myself. The whole point is I want him to take some more responsibility for paying for things.

Hence why I'm now going to make it so he has no idea what I put into the savings every month. I'll try saying I have no money sorry and see how far we get.

OP posts:

WetLookKnitwear · 18/01/2022 22:28

He’s probably squirrelling away money so I wouldn’t be too worried about him.

Probably would have been better to have a conversation rather than drain the account though? I mean it sounds like it’s fair to drain it anyway but you probably still need to talk to him to say you want a compromise.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2022 22:28

My husband is far more organised and practical about the bills than I am.

CoastalWave · 18/01/2022 22:30

I'm so confused by how people manage their household finances.

Surely - you get married, you pool the lot?! Who cares who earns what?! It's about being a team. Whole lot in - all the bills out. By all means split what's left accordingly IF one person is a substantially higher earner but christ - I couldn't be arsed with all the working out.

The way myself and DH look at it - if one of us makes some money, great we've both got money to play with. If we're skint, we're skint.

Genuinely don't think you should marry someone if you can't play it like this!

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:30

@JointAccountBye

If you take money out of the savings it is the same as you paying less into the savings. So your expenditure lowers, and you are equal

Yes I do understand the idea. But it still means I'm just paying for more stuff myself. The whole point is I want him to take some more responsibility for paying for things.

Hence why I'm now going to make it so he has no idea what I put into the savings every month. I'll try saying I have no money sorry and see how far we get.

OK, if you cannot discuss it with him, then an extreme measure like that may be necessary.

I actually did try and do the joint account thing. I set one up and said we needed to set all direct debits to come from it but that was too much work apparently.

What do mean by this? You are paying almost all bills, so you can set those up. Do you mean that he would not move the mortgage direct debit into this account? Or that he wouldn't discuss it?

MollyRover · 18/01/2022 22:31

Get a separate joint account. Pay a percentage of your salaries into it monthly to cover all bills. Use an app such as Splitwise to balance other expenses.
To the people suggesting salaries be automatically paid into a joint account, their finances are already a basket case, how will removing her financial independence improve that??

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