To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

You'd have so much more money without him. Not at first but eventually. He is treating you like shit. He's a much bigger priority than you.

Either all money goes into a joint account and everything is paid from there, and you both take even spending money for purely fun use for yourself (nothing for you child, that comes from joint funds) or you keep your money separate and pay everything 50/50.

Or a third way, which is what we've done (and allows for fluctuations in income) is to work out a household budget and allocate a split according to income that's paid into a joint account. So when I earnt double H, I paid 2/3 of what we needed into the account and he paid 1/3, now he earns a bit more 55% is him, 45% me. The budget includes money towards savings and everything household and child comes out of that account including petrol (as we use his car for family trips because mine is too small).

What's left in your personal account is up to you how to spend, but all household items are covered.

So you only pay slightly more….well how slight because your post makes it sound like your paying a bit more than slight.

Putting ALL in capital letters doesn’t justify it…you could say he pays ALL the mortgage.

How slight? If it’s under £100 more then the existing arrangement sounds fair

@JointAccountBye dump the useless MF already.

We have one account both salaries go in there and all bills come out of there so bills etc all automatically divided by income. Standing orders from the account to savings. We also have a personal allowance each to spend on whatever we want. Might not work for you but it has eliminated arguments over money for us.

With what you say he pays has he got savings somewhere else if he has leftovers money each month that is @JointAccountBye

How have you gotten this far without a budget? YANBU to be pissed off but how has it got to this stage, and what does he do with all 'his' money?

Separate account don't work when you have children especially with all the 'incidentals'. You should both contribute to a joint and EVEYRYTHING comes out of that.

My parents have the 'She pay A B C bill, he pays X Y Z bill' which worked out find (they never spent on anything 'for themselves anyway). But the 'daily spend' person normally ends up shortchanged as all incidentals fall on them.. the 'direct debit' person doesn't pay

Good on you. He’s taking the piss.

@MyOtherProfile

I did, *@akire*. Which is why I'm pointing out that he is paying a lot too - op said they earn the same amount and she pays just slightly more than him so it isn't that he is sponging.

So if they earn the same, they should split the difference in outgoings, no??

Also, why should OP put money in a JOINT savings account when he doesn't have to? Why cant they both do it? Ya know... so it's fair.

Your maths doesnt work.
You earn the same as him.
He pays less than you on outgoings and then claims he has run out of money.
Whereas you have been able to save £30 a month.

Where is the rea if his money going?

We have a joint bill account where we both pay in a set amount & all the direct debt & joint costs come out.
All other money is separate.

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

I think you ought to repurpose the existing joint account. Add up all your family outgoings eg. £1k per month. Both pay £600 into joint account by standing order. Everything for the household and your child then comes out of that account. Bills, groceries, childcare etc.

Yep I agree. Me and DH do similar, we earn roughly the same so put an equal amount into an account to cover bills and shopping etc, and then a joint savings account so if the freezer goes or whatever we use that; but we do also have our own money we can do what we like with. I'm a saver and he is a spender so this works well as we have household stuff covered and a safety cushion, and then freedom to do what we please with our own. Obviously if something comes up we figure it out. Appreciate we are very privileged to be able to do so, but basically need to find something that's fair and works for you.

Hi OP,
You think you pay roughly equally, with you paying a bit more - but how do you know? Do you add up all your receipts and bank and credit card payments each month?

It is easy to add up the DDs that he pays. I bet if you took the last two months and went through all your papers, the total would surprise you, especially with inflation rising. And that is without adding in anything you paid for in cash and have lost track of.

The beauty of a joint current account is that you don't have to add up all the outgoings to know it is fair - just both pay in fair contributions (equal in your case), and everything for the house and child is paid using joint account debit cards.

So if they earn the same, they should split the difference in outgoings, no??

They pretty much have @PurpleThursdays - this just needs tweaking so that op no longer pays out slightly more than him.

I should add, if he won't happily agree to a joint current account and a clear and transparent system, then you know you have a big problem!

@MyOtherProfile

So if they earn the same, they should split the difference in outgoings, no??

They pretty much have @PurpleThursdays - this just needs tweaking so that op no longer pays out slightly more than him.

How have they? If he refuses to give her money and tells her to take it from joint savings, she's effectively paying for items herself. He should be going halves with her they have a child together. And he should be putting an agreed matched amount in savings as OP.

Good grief, the numeracy/reading comprehension on this thread is appalling.

He pays: 100% of Mortgage, small bills, half nursery.

OP pays: All other bills, into savings and half nursery.

OP has stated it works out that I pay slightly more than him.

OP also states: The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

OP also it seems has never paid the mortgage in her entire marriage, not even £30.

Therefore the ONLY difference is the slightly more that OP is spending each month. That is the only bit that needs addressing.

OP's DH reckons that if she takes extra from savings - ie reduces how much she puts in it - then their outgoings will be equal. This is CORRECT.

@Gymrats

So you only pay slightly more….well how slight because your post makes it sound like your paying a bit more than slight.

Putting ALL in capital letters doesn’t justify it…you could say he pays ALL the mortgage.

How slight? If it’s under £100 more then the existing arrangement sounds fair

It's impossible to know. Because as I say he literally just pays his direct debits and thinks that's him done. Whereas I'm the one who has to pay for everything else, all the shopping, if our son needs new clothes, if the car needs work etc...

Any time we go in a shop throughout the month it's me that pays. It's not as easy to keep track of when it's not strict direct debits like his but ALL of the mental load of ensuring we still have money left for food, savings, emergencies is on me.

I don't get to just turn around like he does and say sorry I don't have any money left.

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
This is an absolute load of horseshit. Grown men are not children that need to be mothered, they know bills need to be paid, food needs to be bought, children need clothes...

He can't even use his bank card (forgot the pin years ago). But he never needs to because I pay for everything (other than his direct debits).

@HandlebarLadyTash

We have a joint bill account where we both pay in a set amount & all the direct debt & joint costs come out. All other money is separate.

We do the same as HandlebarLady, we both pay into a joint account and all the bills come out of that. We also have a joint credit card that’s used for food shopping, children’s clothes and activities, etc. and that’s paid off with joint money.

Finally, we set a joint savings account that’s fed by a monthly direct debit from our personal accounts. That enables us to jointly save for bigger expenses like household repairs.

That's the extent of how much of the load is on me. If I lost my bank card we'd be fucked until a new one turned up.

So you need to open a joint account.
Work out how much he pays in mortgage and bills and pay the same amount into a joint account.

Use this joint account to pay for everything.
If the joint account runs out before the end of the month you can both top it up by the same amount.

@JointAccountBye

That's the extent of how much of the load is on me. If I lost my bank card we'd be fucked until a new one turned up.

So the issue is mental load OP, not that you spend more than him?

And have a bank card each for the joint account that you can each use to pay for groceries, kid stuff etc