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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
Joxster · 18/01/2022 20:51

I’d suggest opening a joint account, both paying in the same amount each month, and paying for all bills and mortgage from that.

But it does sound very unequal currently.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 18/01/2022 20:51

If he gets annoyed or says no, ask him why he thinks you should pay for everything your child needs and everything to feed the family as well as your share of the bills. Get him to explain in great detail why you are required to spend all that money and he is refusing to pay his half. Why is that fair?

You need to make him explain it. He wont be able to. That's your first step. Either he will accept how wrong he is, or he will accept it is unfair but he will want to keep it that way. Then you know whether you stay or leave.

PurpleThursdays · 18/01/2022 20:52

You're paid similar salaries yet you dont split costs down the middle when you share a child? He doesnt but clothes for his kid. I'd tot up the money you've paid every month on all the extra stuff you pay for and send him a bill for half. If he refuses to pay I'd leave him. He sounds either a bit dim or financially abusive. Neither are good traits.

JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue · 18/01/2022 20:52

I think you ought to repurpose the existing joint account. Add up all your family outgoings eg. £1k per month. Both pay £600 into joint account by standing order. Everything for the household and your child then comes out of that account. Bills, groceries, childcare etc.

Gazelda · 18/01/2022 20:53

Out of interest, how did you find your mat leave OP?

Akire · 18/01/2022 20:54

Fairs fairs you both have bank statements out and compare who has what. On paper you have contributed towards the savings so either he has equal amount in his account now or he is just wasting his on whatever he fancies for himself. He can’t spend is half twice, once from his half income and once again from yours.

WheresYourIndicator · 18/01/2022 20:56

Where's his left over money going?

rwalker · 18/01/2022 20:57

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

I think you ought to repurpose the existing joint account. Add up all your family outgoings eg. £1k per month. Both pay £600 into joint account by standing order. Everything for the household and your child then comes out of that account. Bills, groceries, childcare etc.
This
ScrumptiousBears · 18/01/2022 20:57

@JenniferAlisonPhilippaSue

I think you ought to repurpose the existing joint account. Add up all your family outgoings eg. £1k per month. Both pay £600 into joint account by standing order. Everything for the household and your child then comes out of that account. Bills, groceries, childcare etc.
This.

I knew a couple who did it your way Op and the husband didn't find out the wife wasn't paying the mortgage until it was too late. A joint account. Where everything comes out that you both are is the most transparent way.

Zilla1 · 18/01/2022 20:59

I'd keep £30 in an envelope and if he complains, performatively give him £30 that his contribution represents tell him to pull his weight.

FinallyHere · 18/01/2022 21:00

If anything comes up in the month it's me. Because like I say he just pays his direct debits and that's him done. Whereas I have to make sure we have money for whatever the month brings. He doesn't think about it.

I wouldn't want to live like that. It's not right that only he pays the mortgage.

Work out the budget required to keep you household running. Agree what's included.

Each contribute 50% of the budget to the joint household account. Everything gets paid out of the household account. When / if it runs out of money, you both top it up

He can convert all his DDs into one, into the joint household account and then set up DDs from there to pay the bills.

Are you married. Whose name is the house in?

Simples.

bengalcat · 18/01/2022 21:02

You said he pays the mortgage and 1/2 the nursery fees - obvs you pay the other 1/2 of museums fees . Do bills and food cost more than the mortgage ? Even though you’re married it would probably make sense for you both to contribute to the mortgage and divide everything else from a joint account

BraveGoldie · 18/01/2022 21:02

I'm confused.

You both earn the same roughly. And you said that when you add up all the costs, you only pay "slightly more". How much is slightly? And does this include your contributions to the savings and all the kid extras? Or before you count these?

Is it the actual amount you pay that bothers you? Or is it that it's more stressful/ less predictable because it's loads of little things rather than direct debits?

Obviously if you both earn the same each of you should be paying an equal amount. I'm not clear how far off that you are?

Fallagain · 18/01/2022 21:03

@Joxster

I’d suggest opening a joint account, both paying in the same amount each month, and paying for all bills and mortgage from that.

But it does sound very unequal currently.

Yes. This is much more sensible.
Foolsrule · 18/01/2022 21:07

Get a spreadsheet and work out how much he owes you since this dodgy set up started. Get him to pay you back. Leave.

Freecuthbert · 18/01/2022 21:07

In our house, every bit of income from both of us goes into one pot, which is then split into various pots including fair and equal spending money for each of us. There is a card for joint household purchases, food shopping, anything for our child etc. I don't understand being married and operating your finances in a way where you have to ask for a share of money towards this and that and for just the one partner to put money into joint savings while the other presumably spends all money on himself as he sees fit. YABU for putting up with this for so long, but YANBU for taking action now.

EmoIsntDead · 18/01/2022 21:08

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
Bullshit. Stop making excuses for useless men.

1224boom · 18/01/2022 21:09

Personally I think you need to open a joint account, contribute the same amount each month into it, set up all bills to come out of it and if it runs low both put the same amount extra into it. It's the only thing that's fair. Otherwise one will always think they spend more than the other. This also means the money left in your own bank account is yours to spend as your like.

Coronado2 · 18/01/2022 21:10

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
This is just not true. Maybe some men, but certainly not all. My dh is the one who makes sure we have savings and a long term plan.

I agree with others who have said get a joint account that you both transfer a set amount into and all bill should come from this. DH and I transfer an agreed amount to the joint account on payday, some goes straight to savings. Some is left in our own accounts to spend on whatever we want and if there is anything much left in in any of the accounts at the end of the month, it goes into savings.

JuneOsborne · 18/01/2022 21:11

Swap what you pay for. If he thinks what he's doing is fair and even, he can swap, he won't mind.

stingofthebutterfly · 18/01/2022 21:14

This reply has been deleted

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/01/2022 21:19

Why dont you just pool all your money in a joint account, agree how much you'll transfer to a joint savings account every month and transfer a pre agreed amount to personal accounts for personal spends. Then no arguments about who pays for shared items

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/01/2022 21:20

Why don’t you have properly joint finances? Everything into a shared account, and then an SO out for spending money into your separate accounts.

Sounds like its the only way with this one

BoodleBug51 · 18/01/2022 21:21

Make a list together of all the monthly expenses, and then split equally. Then if things arise during the month, you either go 50/50 or take it in turns to pay.

Nothing remotely attractive about a man tight with money.

Gilly12345 · 18/01/2022 21:21

A bit late now but what you need is a joint account and everything comes out of the joint money.

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