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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
Iliketeaagain · 18/01/2022 21:21

Whatever everyone else does, doesn't matter as what's happening isn't working for you so you need to sort it.

Me and DH never have had a joint account, but we both pay for stuff, have savings separately and if one of us has paid more one month and is running out, the other sends some money over or just pays for what needs paying. Neither of us worry about how much one of us paid for something vs the other, it just works itself out.

So the issue is not that you don't have joint accounts, the issue is you're not happy with the financial situation and you need to have a clear conversation with him about how to move forward.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/01/2022 21:21

Eh! That's not fair at all.

You need to open a joint current account, the saving account probably won't allow standing orders direct debits etc. Set up the mortgage and all bills from this account, have debit cards to buy groceries, stuff for your child and any joint expenses. Each put in the same amount. Tell him to set up a direct debit on the day he is paid to transfer an amount to the joint savings account which you do too and this can be used for emergencies, holidays etc. If he doesn't agree, leave him. And if he spends money from this account for his own shit cut his card up.

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 21:23

We have our own accts that salary goes into, and separate savings and then a joint acct. we both pay into the joint acct, proportional to our incomes and everything to do with mortgage, house, bills, kids, holidays, shared expenses comes out of that.
We then have our own ££ for personal spends.
Maybe you should look at doing that rather than having one pay for the mortgage etc

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 21:23

That way there’s no surprises…

HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 21:24

@Motherland101

So if you earn the same and you pay out so much more than him, what does he do with the rest of the money that he has left?

To be honest, this His and Her money gives me the ick, There should be one single household income, and obviously individual savings if that's what you like. In your situation, given that you earn the same, I'd draw up a budgeting sheet and get him to contribute 50% to everything. He's clearly taking the piss and this doesn't sound healthy at all.

If I was married to somebody like that though I would want his and her accounts.
caringcarer · 18/01/2022 21:24

DH and I both pay X amount into the joint account. Joint account pays for mortgage, utilities, council tax, food shopping, takeaways and gifts for children and parents. We pay our own car expenses, car fuel, dentist, mobile phones and gifts for each other, lunches out with friends, clothing and we each have our own savings accounts too. We earn similar amounts and are both good with handling money. DH tends to buy tools quite often with his money and I tend to treat adult children to meals out, new shoes etc.

NewMessageFrom · 18/01/2022 21:24

is your name on the mortgage?
are you married?

HollowTalk · 18/01/2022 21:25

The system really isn't fair because he is paying fixed costs and you are not so you could end up paying any amount in the month but he always knows exactly how much he's got spare.

MyOtherProfile · 18/01/2022 21:26

Some people seem to have got the idea that he is sponging off the OP. He pays slightly less than her because he pays the mortgage and some small bills. This is exactly the set up we have - DH pays the mortgage and utilities and I pay for shopping and kids stuff. In our case he pays more than me but that's because he earns more than me.

Op and her dh are paying a similar amount. Perhaps it just needs to be written down so DH can see that he needs to contribute a bit to the joint account to make it fair.

MyOtherProfile · 18/01/2022 21:26

And no it isn't fair to drain the savings account. How about if he drained the account he paid the mortgage from? Just sit down and go through who pays what.

CPL593H · 18/01/2022 21:27

Under these circumstances I really don't blame you for what you did OP, the setup sounds very unfair. Whatever faults and failings my late husband and now husband had/ have, everything absolutely straight and fair financially. It isn't just money, it is about partnership and respect.

KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 21:27

What on earth is he doing with his money??

CamomileTeabag · 18/01/2022 21:28

I don't know how people exist like this!
In this house, his money AND my money is our money. One pot. No arguments. We're lucky.

MyOtherProfile · 18/01/2022 21:28

@KiloWhat

What on earth is he doing with his money??
Paying the mortgage and some of the bills.
EmmaH2022 · 18/01/2022 21:29

@FFSFFSFFS

I find it telling that you’ve described it as you feeling like you’re still paying for everything….you ARE paying for everything.

Awful situation. Do you have kids?

But OP has described it as, she doesn't pay the mortgage.

Which for many of us, would be the biggest bill.

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/01/2022 21:30

I don't understand why anyone thinks that moving her own money out of the joint account back into her individual account is an issue.
The money in the savings account has not come from both individuals, just one.
Or have I read a different thread?!

KiloWhat · 18/01/2022 21:32

They aren't split 100% evenly but it works out that I pay slightly more than him

OP pays more and still is able to save

Akire · 18/01/2022 21:32

@MyOtherProfile

And no it isn't fair to drain the savings account. How about if he drained the account he paid the mortgage from? Just sit down and go through who pays what.
Did you read the first post? This is about what they each do with their money left over and their roughly do 50/50 expenses. Although Op also has to top up any extra bills and food and clothing out of her side.

Husband feels like her savings are family and his money is goodness knows where. Either saved in his account or spend on himself.

He can’t spend his share twice once from his account and then from “joint savings”.

MyOtherProfile · 18/01/2022 21:34

I did, @akire. Which is why I'm pointing out that he is paying a lot too - op said they earn the same amount and she pays just slightly more than him so it isn't that he is sponging.

DumpedByText · 18/01/2022 21:35

Why can't you have a bills joint account, you both put a set amount in that covers food , bills, clothes for kids etc and then what is left in your own accounts is yours to do as you please.

RandomMess · 18/01/2022 21:35

Starting insisting on halving all the bills including mortgage.

Food and fuel has gone up massively you really are paying for everting aren't you?

What is he spend all his spare cash on??

MananaTomorrow · 18/01/2022 21:36

@MyOtherProfile

And no it isn't fair to drain the savings account. How about if he drained the account he paid the mortgage from? Just sit down and go through who pays what.
Completely different.

He pays the mortgage from his account, just like the OP pays for food from her account.
The savings is in both names but somehow she is the only ones who pays anything. Hmm I’d say that makes her the owner do the saving account tbh.
On the other side, if she is paying more and needs some money, he refuses and ask her to basically use HER savings to pay for it.

Having said all that @JointAccountBye, I think that whether you pay things bits by bits throughout the month or all in one go with DD doesn’t matter. The amount is the same bar the fact that you will need to be keep a close eye on spending than he is (assuming everything goes out at the start if the month).

What I am wondering is if you actually do spend the same amount of money.
I’d also say that the system itself doesn’t work for you because you are left ressentful and feeling you are the inky who makes an effort.

Lots if talking needed there. To check that you are actually putting the same amount of money. And maybe to review how everything is paid so that all expenses are becoming YOUR (together) responsibility.

MyOtherProfile · 18/01/2022 21:36

What @DumpedByText said

Soakitup37 · 18/01/2022 21:38

My ex husband and I never had joint accounts, we paid fairly down the middle for bills on a sliding scale of where we were financially at the time. He always earned more but I’d say the costs we split were 60/40 with me contributing more in other ways like doing the food shops and dealing with admin, which we liked and agreed to.

However he used to pay his half and then considered that was him done for the month and I couldn’t question what he did with the rest of it even when he often ended up short and asking me for money before the end of the month. Used to drive me mad. Amongst other things this was a big reason why he’s now my ex.

LittleOwl153 · 18/01/2022 21:38

When you say your bills are roughly even - does that include the savings account contribution? If it does then I think I can see his point. If it doesn't however then it is clearly your savings so he should contribute whatever is needed.

I'd suggest rethinking the set up and both contributing to a joint account which pays all the bills including anything for your child. That is much more transparent than the current method.