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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:31

@CoastalWave

I'm so confused by how people manage their household finances.

Surely - you get married, you pool the lot?! Who cares who earns what?! It's about being a team. Whole lot in - all the bills out. By all means split what's left accordingly IF one person is a substantially higher earner but christ - I couldn't be arsed with all the working out.

The way myself and DH look at it - if one of us makes some money, great we've both got money to play with. If we're skint, we're skint.

Genuinely don't think you should marry someone if you can't play it like this!

I would be happy to do this. Genuinely I would. It's him who's always held back on actually arranging a joint account, I set one up and started using it but he just never put anything in it so we went back to separate accounts.
OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 18/01/2022 22:32

Keep the savings seperate, keep with the 'You said "Use the savings" so I did and now they are gone' and leave the selfish useless fucker.

I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall when he realises that all the bills that come through to door are all on him.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2022 22:32

@JointAccountBye

If you take money out of the savings it is the same as you paying less into the savings. So your expenditure lowers, and you are equal

Yes I do understand the idea. But it still means I'm just paying for more stuff myself. The whole point is I want him to take some more responsibility for paying for things.

Hence why I'm now going to make it so he has no idea what I put into the savings every month. I'll try saying I have no money sorry and see how far we get.

Have you thought of doing a spreadsheet (together) listing EVERY outgoing?

So he can see in black and white where you're spending your money on family stuff and he's got money for himself?

How did you fund your maternity leave?

Dindundundundeeer · 18/01/2022 22:32

I don’t understand why you can’t halve the expenses and pay a larger amount into a joint account.

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 22:34

What do mean by this? You are paying almost all bills, so you can set those up. Do you mean that he would not move the mortgage direct debit into this account? Or that he wouldn't discuss it

He couldn't be arsed ringing/arranging the few direct debits he has to get them transferred over to a new joint account. I even suggested he just set a standing order up then after the direct debits have been paid from his old account to the new joint account for what's left but couldn't be arsed doing that either. Didn't see the point. And why would he? Because I think about and arrange and budget for everything else so he doesn't need to.

I'd love to just be able to say ah that's my direct debits done I'll just spend everything else now without a thought.

OP posts:
grapewine · 18/01/2022 22:36

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
This is why men get away with so much shit. Ugh.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/01/2022 22:37

You are paying almost all bills, so you can set those up. Do you mean that he would not move the mortgage direct debit into this account? Or that he wouldn't discuss it?

Oh come on!

You know exactly what it means!

It means that he doesnt actually want to contribute his fair share into the family bills account because he wouldnt have £££ spare every month to spunk on whatever crap he wants. So he is using an excuse that changing the DD's to a different account and him setting up a standing order is "too much trouble". We all know that with online banking (and the OP has mentioned him transferring money to her, after much reminding so he obviously uses that) it is piss easy.

He is not quite a cocklodger but he is perilously close and will kick hugely when the OP gets rid and he has to pay child support.

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:38

@JointAccountBye

What do mean by this? You are paying almost all bills, so you can set those up. Do you mean that he would not move the mortgage direct debit into this account? Or that he wouldn't discuss it

He couldn't be arsed ringing/arranging the few direct debits he has to get them transferred over to a new joint account. I even suggested he just set a standing order up then after the direct debits have been paid from his old account to the new joint account for what's left but couldn't be arsed doing that either. Didn't see the point. And why would he? Because I think about and arrange and budget for everything else so he doesn't need to.

I'd love to just be able to say ah that's my direct debits done I'll just spend everything else now without a thought.

So tell him the truth: outgoings have gone up and you are now spending more than him each month and that is not fair.

There are two utterly separate things here, actual money and mental load. You need to address them separately, not mix them up in this way. It makes your message unclear.

PuzzledObserver · 18/01/2022 22:38

If you want to maintain separate accounts, the sensible thing is to have a joint account as well. Both put an agreed amount into the joint account, and all bills come out of that, anything left at the end of the month goes into joint savings. What’s left in your individual current accounts is yours to spend as you want.

Haffiana · 18/01/2022 22:40

@PyongyangKipperbang

You are paying almost all bills, so you can set those up. Do you mean that he would not move the mortgage direct debit into this account? Or that he wouldn't discuss it?

Oh come on!

You know exactly what it means!

It means that he doesnt actually want to contribute his fair share into the family bills account because he wouldnt have £££ spare every month to spunk on whatever crap he wants. So he is using an excuse that changing the DD's to a different account and him setting up a standing order is "too much trouble". We all know that with online banking (and the OP has mentioned him transferring money to her, after much reminding so he obviously uses that) it is piss easy.

He is not quite a cocklodger but he is perilously close and will kick hugely when the OP gets rid and he has to pay child support.

Really no. You are completely projecting. Please do the OP the courtesy of actually reading what she wrote.
TurtleBackUp · 18/01/2022 22:41

I know some will think this is mad but it worked for my ExDP and we never argued about money...

We had a few direct debits each. Then I paid for everything else - I wrote this all out and once a month (on pay day) he gave me half of the extra money I'd spent.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/01/2022 22:50

You need facts and figures here. He’s hearing you moaning - back it up with facts.

List all out goings - include everything - savings for car repairs tax insurance tv license mortgage food child expenses.

Then present it too him.

He doesn’t want to pay more and you know that - so you need to put your foot down harder. I wonder if he’s had a pay rise he doesn’t want you to know about!

RandomMess · 18/01/2022 22:51

I think it's becoming a deal breaker.

The finances become a joint task or threaten to give him the same as what he spends on his DDs and then he has to do all the food shopping, clothes purchase etc etc.

It's easy enough for him to get a new bank card!

Is he a man child in other ways? Laundry magically does itself etc?

You could always just buy for you and DS and tell him you can't be bothered carrying the mental load to budget and shop for him anymore.

You could pay for everything on credit card and it's paid from his account and you just send over £x each month. If he doesn't have enough to pay it not your problem 🤷🏽‍♀️

LesLavandes · 18/01/2022 22:53

Until he starts acting in a financially responsible way, you should show him how careful you are being with money and let him know your wishes to split finances equally

ReadySteadyTwins · 18/01/2022 22:55

He does have money left over yes and he spends it on stupid stuff. Anything he wants he gets. Like I say he thinks his part is paying a few direct debits and that's it.

And when he says "I've got no money left" because of this, what do you say?

If it makes any difference the mortgage is £450 so not some staggering amount he then pays a phone contract and the internet.

Ok, so he's got plenty left over.

I pay for everything else. Council tax, gas and electric, water, house insurance, pet insurance, boiler insurance, car finance, all of the shopping, everything for our son bar half the nursery fees, absolutely anything else we need money for in the month comes from me.

Yep, that will add up to way more than £450 plus a phone/broadband bill.

He pays his 3 direct debits then swans off acting like nothing else is his problem. He just turns around and says he has nothing left if something comes up. Like it's my job to pay for everything else and not his problem.

So what do you say. He's got hundreds left over. And says he's "run out". You know this. He knows this. And yet you don't call him out, just complain that he sees it as "your responsibility" to pay. He's literally mooching off you, and you're saying nothing.

Why. Have. You. Got. No. Money. Left. You. Have. More. Disposable. Income. Than. Me.

And repeat, until he admits (or never does) he's been saving himself a nice little nest egg at your expense.

BashfulClam · 18/01/2022 22:56

Get a joint bills account. Work out how much everything is and add in a food/cleaning budget based on what you spend. Both pay in half on payday.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/01/2022 22:57

we were saving up for some stuff

"We" weren't saving for anything if he never contributes Grin

Thirtytimesround · 18/01/2022 22:57

OP assuming you want to stay in the relationship and sort this out, what you both need to set up is:

  • both pay same amount into a joint account
  • ALL family bills including mortgage utilities nursery food etc come out of the joint account.
  • If the joint account runs out of money you both increase how much you pay into it.
  • Personal purchases like posh clothes / tech come out of individual accounts.

Good luck xx

timeisnotaline · 18/01/2022 22:58

This would be a total dealbreaker. Any good friends or family locally? I’d get to the last week of the month, say there’s no food for dinner, can you go do a shop? And if he said no money, I’d have it planned to go eat at a friends all week with ds, dp NOT invited (in reality I’d have some money planned to take ds & I out to dinner, take a takeaway to friend etc, but he'd be on his own and if he took no responsibility for contributing I’d be done.

ThinWomansBrain · 18/01/2022 23:05

assuming you pay for most things from your bank account, just download the past few months, analyse your spending and compare yo his. If you're paying more than him, work out a better way to split costs,

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/01/2022 23:06

@Haffiana

I did.

He wants to pay the bare minimum and keeps his spends to himself.

Maybe you should try reading what the OP wrote instead of projecting yourself.

Flickflak · 18/01/2022 23:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

RandomMess · 18/01/2022 23:08

Quick fix is transferring council tax and utility bills into his name and on his account.

Mental load will be easy as you have plenty of money!!

D0lphine · 18/01/2022 23:12

Can someone explain to me why married people have "his money" and "her money" (or "his money" and "his money" etc.)

You're MARRIED.

Being married means you own all assets and money together. You're one financial unit. That's what being married sodding well means! It's a contract between two people to share all their assets.

Do people just think it will be fun to wear white and get pissed for a day? Ffs!

Why oh why do people not get both salaries paid into one joint current account. Then all the bills get paid from there. Then the remainder is budgeted in a way that both spouses agree on.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/01/2022 23:14

assuming you pay for most things from your bank account, just download the past few months, analyse your spending and compare yo his. If you're paying more than him, work out a better way to split costs

Get a joint bills account. Work out how much everything is and add in a food/cleaning budget based on what you spend. Both pay in half on payday

Which bit do you not understand here? Her DH won’t engage in anything to do with fairness or sharing for joint accounts or topping up!

The issue isn’t how do we sort it - OP knows what needs doing - her DH is in denial because he’s getting a good deal.