To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

Surely he need to set up a direct debit into the savings account. Work out how much your bill come to and I mean to the penny, then tell him, he may get a shock

Surely he need to set up a direct debit into the savings account

The problem is he knows what he should be doing, he’s choosing not too.

Do a spreadsheet. Earnings for each of you plus every single thing that gets paid for. Look at your expenses over the last 3 months. Add your earnings together then minus all the expenses. Half the remaining amount. That’s what each of you should have left over each month. See if that’s different to what you do have. Have you done those numbers? Who has how much left over? If you are short he should be doing another direct debit into your account. Look at those numbers now

This is what happens when people keep their money separate. It might be fine for high earners but for anyone else it's always leads to arguments. The easiest thing for you would be to set up a joint current account from which all wages and direct debits come out of. When you switch the banks change all the direct debits etc for you. You can set up direct debits from this into two individual savings accounts so you both have your own money still. I suspect he will be more proactive about making sure money goes into his account compared with going out,

@thirdfiddle

I don't believe the "slightly more". I think if OP adds up the groceries and incidentals as well as all the rest of the DDs she will find it's more like a "lot more". Food, nappies, Council tax, car costs, energy bills, water bills, insurance - so many regular things even without all the gifts and one-offs going on OP's account.

Without op giving numbers we’re all speculating

@CoastalWave

I'm so confused by how people manage their household finances.

Surely - you get married, you pool the lot?! Who cares who earns what?! It's about being a team. Whole lot in - all the bills out. By all means split what's left accordingly IF one person is a substantially higher earner but christ - I couldn't be arsed with all the working out.

The way myself and DH look at it - if one of us makes some money, great we've both got money to play with. If we're skint, we're skint.

Genuinely don't think you should marry someone if you can't play it like this!

Im with you @CoastalWave and @D0lphine We only have one current account. I just don't understand separate accounts. One family, one account.

OP has gone.

I suspect the freeloader she's married has now discovered the freeloading has stopped.

And there are now huge arguments as he tries to make her out to be the bad guy, as she's stopped enabling his parasitic ways.

Hope you're ok OP. It's utterly shit to realise someone is there because it's cheap and they can spend at your expense. I've had that. Many of us have. They're charming, and because we aren't thieving, lying shites, we don't expect others to be, and so we don't see it coming. As other PP, mine is now an ex

I'm finding the 'I don't understand' a bit tedious when several of us have explained why it works for us. We have separate accounts for all sorts of things. One to save for children's uni/other training course fees for example. Why not one for personal spending separate from family spending?

Maybe it depends how you use your money. If you do everything together and have similar spending habits, no need. If one partner wants to go to the pub every weekend and the other wants to save up for a designer coat, how do you make sure they both get a fair allocation of fun spends? How does the coat ever get saved for if the attitude is "it's there so fair play to spend it"?

I'd be very careful because divorce wise he's paying the main one, the mortgage on the house. My brother was main bread winner paid all bills etc only bill his wife paid was mortgage which was like you only between £400-£500 however despite both names being on the mortgage and him showing he paid all the other bills equaling over £1500 a month and he was left with two kids to look after because her priorities stank. Because she had paid all the mortgage they couldn't let him have the house. They even apologised about it in court and explained that it's always recommended mortgage payments are paid in from joint accounts or two halves because a house legally belongs to the person who has paid if there is any disoute. They can only force sale of house if the other person has paid at least 40% or something. So she got the house, he ended up living with friends with two kids until he found somewhere. I'd say your husband knows his contributions amount to more than yours in law and won't make others because he has always prepared for divorce. You either need to show you are paying something towards the mortgage fast or consult a solicitor maybe draw up some sort of legal agreement in the case of a later divorce, or if it ends in divorce you are going to lose it. You may need your savings if that's the case so thankfully you have sorted them out. Now they can't be taken into account but get that mortgage sorted.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

If he gets annoyed or says no, ask him why he thinks you should pay for everything your child needs and everything to feed the family as well as your share of the bills. Get him to explain in great detail why you are required to spend all that money and he is refusing to pay his half. Why is that fair?

You need to make him explain it. He wont be able to. That's your first step. Either he will accept how wrong he is, or he will accept it is unfair but he will want to keep it that way. Then you know whether you stay or leave.

This...

Im also concerned that he will present it as HIS house as he pays the mortgage (leavibf out you pay for everything else).

If youre intending being together... You need to put a large amount of money from both of uou into the account and EVERYTHING is paid frkm it... Including the mortgage

I would get legal advice about finances OP.

My experience with regards money and assets during a divorce the starting point was 50:50 for everything and then need was taken into consideration.

You're having a rant, that's good, so you should. However, what do you intend to do about this, now in the short term, what is the plan? What's the goal longterm? Would you leave him over being a lazy, selfish arse or not?

I'd not be happy with this. My dh works full time and I part time. we do keep.our money separate in that no joint accounts. He pays the mortgage and food, plus everything to do with his car. I pay all other bills. If there is a child's birthday coming up one of us will pay for the cake and decorations and some little presents, the other will buy the bigger present, food and for a day out. Dh usually pays more because he earns more but its usually proportionate. We go halves on things like clothes and shoes.

You'd probably be better off, financially at least on your own.

@ToffeeMamma

I'd be very careful because divorce wise he's paying the main one, the mortgage on the house. My brother was main bread winner paid all bills etc only bill his wife paid was mortgage which was like you only between £400-£500 however despite both names being on the mortgage and him showing he paid all the other bills equaling over £1500 a month and he was left with two kids to look after because her priorities stank. Because she had paid all the mortgage they couldn't let him have the house. They even apologised about it in court and explained that it's always recommended mortgage payments are paid in from joint accounts or two halves because a house legally belongs to the person who has paid if there is any disoute. They can only force sale of house if the other person has paid at least 40% or something. So she got the house, he ended up living with friends with two kids until he found somewhere. I'd say your husband knows his contributions amount to more than yours in law and won't make others because he has always prepared for divorce. You either need to show you are paying something towards the mortgage fast or consult a solicitor maybe draw up some sort of legal agreement in the case of a later divorce, or if it ends in divorce you are going to lose it. You may need your savings if that's the case so thankfully you have sorted them out. Now they can't be taken into account but get that mortgage sorted.

This is really unusual. If they were legally married then this is... unusual.

Why doesn't he set up a direct debit for a certain amount each month to go into the savings account, just make him do it then it's done

@JointAccountBye - how are you doing? Have you talked to your DH yet? How has he reacted?

To correct one consistent misapprehension. Marriage does NOT mean that all assets and liabilities become joint. This has not been the case for many, many years. You may choose to treat them so, but unless everything is in joint names that is not the legal position.
On divorce, everything is taken into account to achieve a fair settlement. But while married, and not divorcing, if you put your money into your sole-name bank account, your spouse has no more right to access it than some random person down the street.

@Bushgirl

I find these posts amusing. Why, if you're happily married do you need his and hers accounts? My DH and I pool all our money into a joint account. We have savings but they are for kids and so that we have money when we retire. If either of us want to buy something for ourselves we just buy it. If it's a major item like a car or house maintenance we discuss it . It takes trust and a willingness to share. As long as you have that it works. Why do you need to have yours and his? (unless you're thinking of splitting up and you want to stash some away first.)

It amuses you because you've decided everyone else's marriage should replicate your own. Each to their own. My husband and i have always had separate bank accounts, he manages some bills, i others, its never been issue, we've never had a yours and mine situation, never had an argument or resentment over money. My view is we got married, we didn't morph into one person. I chose not to take his surname either. Doesn't mean I'm always keeping an exit route open and i don't think he has any plans to leave me ... that i know of

@ToffeeMamma

I'd be very careful because divorce wise he's paying the main one, the mortgage on the house. My brother was main bread winner paid all bills etc only bill his wife paid was mortgage which was like you only between £400-£500 however despite both names being on the mortgage and him showing he paid all the other bills equaling over £1500 a month and he was left with two kids to look after because her priorities stank. Because she had paid all the mortgage they couldn't let him have the house. They even apologised about it in court and explained that it's always recommended mortgage payments are paid in from joint accounts or two halves because a house legally belongs to the person who has paid if there is any disoute. They can only force sale of house if the other person has paid at least 40% or something. So she got the house, he ended up living with friends with two kids until he found somewhere. I'd say your husband knows his contributions amount to more than yours in law and won't make others because he has always prepared for divorce. You either need to show you are paying something towards the mortgage fast or consult a solicitor maybe draw up some sort of legal agreement in the case of a later divorce, or if it ends in divorce you are going to lose it. You may need your savings if that's the case so thankfully you have sorted them out. Now they can't be taken into account but get that mortgage sorted.

@Itsalmostanaccessory So unusual in the case of a legally married couple that it might almost be bollocks. Not that the person who posted it is deliberately talking bollocks, but it sounds as if they have believed bollocks information given to them by someone else. OP, please do not take this advice (assuming you are also legally married, which is a financial game-changer in terms of separation/divorce)

@hidingmystatus

To correct one consistent misapprehension. Marriage does NOT mean that all assets and liabilities become joint. This has not been the case for many, many years. You may choose to treat them so, but unless everything is in joint names that is not the legal position. On divorce, everything is taken into account to achieve a fair settlement. But while married, and not divorcing, if you put your money into your sole-name bank account, your spouse has no more right to access it than some random person down the street.

This is good advice for the OP, as so long as she is married, she can keep "their" savings (though it would be far, far better for them to be in an account in her own name). My previous comment was based on the notion of them separating,

@ToffeeMamma

I'd be very careful because divorce wise he's paying the main one, the mortgage on the house. My brother was main bread winner paid all bills etc only bill his wife paid was mortgage which was like you only between £400-£500 however despite both names being on the mortgage and him showing he paid all the other bills equaling over £1500 a month and he was left with two kids to look after because her priorities stank. Because she had paid all the mortgage they couldn't let him have the house. They even apologised about it in court and explained that it's always recommended mortgage payments are paid in from joint accounts or two halves because a house legally belongs to the person who has paid if there is any disoute. They can only force sale of house if the other person has paid at least 40% or something. So she got the house, he ended up living with friends with two kids until he found somewhere. I'd say your husband knows his contributions amount to more than yours in law and won't make others because he has always prepared for divorce. You either need to show you are paying something towards the mortgage fast or consult a solicitor maybe draw up some sort of legal agreement in the case of a later divorce, or if it ends in divorce you are going to lose it. You may need your savings if that's the case so thankfully you have sorted them out. Now they can't be taken into account but get that mortgage sorted.

Another one saying this is ... unusual ... if they are married. What about all the families where one person is a SAHP and doesn't contribute to the mortgage at all. They are not left homeless if they divorce.

Get a joint account, each post equal amount into it (as you say you earn the same) and then have mortgage, bills and food come out of that account.

But sounds like your relationship is on very shakey ground.

I think you need to write down everything that you both pay.

He pays the mortgage and some bills?

Mortgage is usually a large chunk of money and what bills does he pay as you don't give much info on the bills.

I think you were right to move your money into your own account if you're the only one who pays into it. I get the impression he think he is paying his share...

A breakdown of everything would give you both (or you) some transparency.

@MyOtherProfile

So you need to open a joint account. Work out how much he pays in mortgage and bills and pay the same amount into a joint account. Use this joint account to pay for everything. If the joint account runs out before the end of the month you can both top it up by the same amount.

I don't know if it's important or not, but I've seen people on here say mortgage payments should come equally from both of you or out of a joint account. Doing the above makes it clear you're both contributing to the mortgage.

OP this is a disastrous way to run the finances in a marriage and in a family. I can't understand why you've allowed it to carry on like this for so long. He's massively taking advantage of you, which i see as a huge red flag. In a marriage/family, I would pool money, all money is joint money, and after all bills/food/etc is paid for you each get an equivalent amount for yourselves.

@CoastalWave

I'm so confused by how people manage their household finances.

Surely - you get married, you pool the lot?! Who cares who earns what?! It's about being a team. Whole lot in - all the bills out. By all means split what's left accordingly IF one person is a substantially higher earner but christ - I couldn't be arsed with all the working out.

The way myself and DH look at it - if one of us makes some money, great we've both got money to play with. If we're skint, we're skint.

Genuinely don't think you should marry someone if you can't play it like this!

This! Been married 28years and we have always done it like this! All money that comes into the house is 'our' money.