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AIBU - DP turned into a covid denier
197

Littletownofbirthdaywoes · 17/01/2022 11:01

So, DP initially followed all the rules, had first 2 vaccines, but has increasingly been swept up by social media "experts" claiming that covid is all a plan to exert control, that for 99.9% of the population it's nothing more than a cold, that the figures are manipulated (everyone apparently dies "with" covid and not "of" covid and actually die of something else. I know. Don't get me started.)

He is refusing to get the booster but seems to think that we will be able to go away this year, abroad - I have pointed out that most countries will expect the booster to be able to claim being fully vaccinated but he refuses to think that this means him, too.

I declined to argue against him over the weekend, there is no point, but I have previously pointed out that I am actually vulnerable due to underlying causes, so I will continue to follow the rules and have vaccinations if deemed necessary.

This has been getting worse over the past weeks and I just don't like it any more. I don't seem to be able to agree with any of his views anymore, we both used to be more middle of the road, but now he seems to be becoming increasingly right wing in his views. I cannot and will not get on board with this, I am more left of centre and he does not like this at all. He gets really frustrated that I won't engage with him in "healthy debate" and refuses to see that healthy debate is not him talking over me and telling me I am wrong before I can even finish my sentence. He thinks that I won't argue as I don't have an argument but it's simply because there is no point. It just causes bad feeling and increasing frustration on his part that I won't subscribe to his views.

We do not have children together, but both have kids, all elder teens or young adults. We are at the point where we can start doing things for ourselves without them. I used to love spending time with him but that is all changing as he delights in pointing out all that is wrong with the narrow world that he lives in (increasingly too "woke" and people need to "grow up and live in the real world"). Initially I figured it was all just a phase against lockdowns and wanting some life back, but as life is returning it just seems to be getting worse.

My refusal to engage with him in argument (so he can feel right and superior) or agreeing with him (so that he is right and I had to give in to him and confirm this) seems to be making it worse but I am not changing my stance just to placate him.

We went through a rough patch last year. Things have been better, he thinks that he is engaging more with me and therefore we as a couple are good, but in reality his views are really putting me off spending the rest of my life with him. AIBU to think that this is a deal breaker for me? Would it be for you?

I am a regular, have nc'd because I posted here for support last year when things weren't great, I used some of the advise and we did seem to get somewhere, but now I am not so sure.

OP's posts:
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Skeumorph · 17/01/2022 11:06

Yes, of course this should be a dealbreaker. I'm not sure that you as a couple are 'good' - and tbh he sounds irrational and fairly unpleasant, if his expectation is that you should agree and placate him in whatever opinion he has, so that he can feel 'right and superior'.

That's not a good man and not a good relationship.

You have no real ties, so think hard about whether you would be better off cutting your losses here.

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girlmom21 · 17/01/2022 11:09

YANBU to say this is a dealbreaker. Why should you have to miss out on all the opportunities you could have?

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Kshhuxnxk · 17/01/2022 11:15

He is as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours. If you can't make it work then you can't it really is as simple as that. Either fight for your marriage and your beliefs or don't.

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Cornettoninja · 17/01/2022 11:21

I would find the constant campaigning and lecturing you seem to be describing really off putting too. I honestly don’t think there’s much you can do and it’s either wait for him to calm down/get bored with it or call it a day.

It’s not even a question of being right at this point, whichever side of the argument you fall on, if that’s all you can go on about you’re in the realms of obsessed/brainwashed.

I think this is a side effect of engaging on social media, you have all these debates and carefully set out arguments and then can’t transfer back into real life without talking like a written post. It’s like missing the element of real life interaction builds up frustration and any outlet results in a tirade. If he could hand you links while he’s talking to punctuate points I bet he would. Writing on social media or otherwise can really help people order their their thoughts but I think there are pitfalls in only hearing debates in your own minds voice.

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Lanareyrey · 17/01/2022 11:25

Dealbreaker for me sorry OP.

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screwthem · 17/01/2022 11:30

I'd try telling him and talking to him first, maybe in couples counselling where someone could call him out on his manner of trying to discuss things. Maybe he doesn't realise what a total knob he's being and addressing it could help?

But having said that, I don't think you can ever change another person fundamentally, and once people are sucked into cults (this is a form of one), it's exhausting and hard and sometimes impossible to pull them out. And you sound exhausted with it all.

Would you like to fix it ideally or do you think you're done?

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JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/01/2022 11:36

@Kshhuxnxk

He is as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours. If you can't make it work then you can't it really is as simple as that. Either fight for your marriage and your beliefs or don't.

Firstly, not all opinions are equal, and do not deserve to be treated with equal respect.

Secondly, this isn't about a difference in opinions. It's about the fact that he's being a dick about it, and making choices which negatively affect OP, and is dismissive of her (perfectly valid) concerns.

Thirdly, the onus shouldn't be entirely on her to 'fight' for the marriage. It sounds like she's done her best and it still isn't working.

Time to move on, I think, OP.
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CorrBlimeyGG · 17/01/2022 11:44

He is as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours.

An opinion based on lies has zero substance.

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EveMonsoon · 17/01/2022 11:44

It will be interesting to see if he changes his mind about the booster when he can’t get his COVID passport.

He does sound insufferable, OP, but I have encountered a number of people who share his views re. COVID and ‘woke-ness’. I’m wondering if the lockdown has caused people to become less aware of others around them, and turned them into selfish know-it-alls.

I don’t really have any advice for you, just sympathy for what you’re dealing with Flowers

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Arabelladrinkstea · 17/01/2022 11:48

Neither of you is right or wrong just different opinions and perspectives taken from various sources.
However the way how he handles it, is what would have an issue with. You both have as much right to your own personal beliefs without either one of you pushing the others beliefs upon each other.

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WonderfulYou · 17/01/2022 11:50

Someone I work with and a friend of mine has turned like this over the past few weeks.

It’s quite concerning as they don’t know each other but both happen to believe the same thing about covid as well as starting to believe the earth is flat and that birds don’t exist - I’m wondering if they are reading things on Facebook or something which is almost brainwashing them.

I couldn’t be with someone with his views but I would also be concerned as it sounds like he is brainwashed.

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JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/01/2022 11:51

Neither of you is right or wrong just different opinions and perspectives taken from various sources.

This simply isn't correct.

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SeenYourArse · 17/01/2022 11:51

@EveMonsoon

It will be interesting to see if he changes his mind about the booster when he can’t get his COVID passport.

He does sound insufferable, OP, but I have encountered a number of people who share his views re. COVID and ‘woke-ness’. I’m wondering if the lockdown has caused people to become less aware of others around them, and turned them into selfish know-it-alls.

I don’t really have any advice for you, just sympathy for what you’re dealing with Flowers

A client told me last week that it’s already been announced that Covid passports are to be scrapped?? Though I haven’t looked into this myself to be fair, The booster has no relevance to your a covid pass, I’m not having the booster (have had original Covid AND Omicron and both vaccines !) and have been on 3 holidays abroad to different countries since October.
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ToykotoLosAngeles · 17/01/2022 11:54

I don't think I could be with anyone who uses the term "woke" negatively to mean "mindful of other people's feelings and rights". Sorry OP.

FWIW my ex went very right-wing after joining the military at 19 when we'd split, and I couldn't stay friends with him after that.

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HereticFanjo · 17/01/2022 11:56

Dealbreaker for me only because of his descent into online madness and him being a superior arsehole talking his bs conspiracy theories over you. It tends to afflict the less bright and the mentally unwell. Sorry OP. Maybe set a time limit on staying with him if normal life gets him back on track.

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ThePinkTeapot · 17/01/2022 11:59

@Kshhuxnxk

He is as entitled to his opinion as you are to yours. If you can't make it work then you can't it really is as simple as that. Either fight for your marriage and your beliefs or don't.

So if I say the moon is made from Edam cheese and a NASA scientist says that the moon isn’t made from cheese, our opinions are equally valid?
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LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2022 12:00

Neither of you is right or wrong just different opinions and perspectives taken from various sources

Of course he's wrong!

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Tana433 · 17/01/2022 12:05

Frankly, i agree with your husband. This has all gone waaaaay to far and is no longer about our health (if it ever was)

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PleasantBirthday · 17/01/2022 12:07

Neither of you is right or wrong just different opinions and perspectives taken from various sources.

Yeah, I mean one is all the reputable health organisations and governments in the world, the other is internet conspiracists and people who think that injecting bleach is a good idea. Who could hold the scales of judgement between them?

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ToykotoLosAngeles · 17/01/2022 12:09

A client told me last week that it’s already been announced that Covid passports are to be scrapped?? Though I haven’t looked into this myself to be fair, The booster has no relevance to your a covid pass, I’m not having the booster (have had original Covid AND Omicron and both vaccines !) and have been on 3 holidays abroad to different countries since October.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.dw.com/en/covid-eu-vaccine-passports-only-valid-9-months-without-booster/a-60204437

"The European Commission announced Tuesday that COVID vaccine certificates in the bloc would only be valid for nine months without a booster shot."

I think you will be limited in places to go.

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thepeopleversuswork · 17/01/2022 12:10

Neither of you is right or wrong just different opinions and perspectives taken from various sources

Not only is he wrong, he's also being a bully.

It's a no from me OP. Life is too short to be with someone like this.

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BootsScootsAndToots · 17/01/2022 12:13

Deal breaker for me.

I couldn't respect that level of stupidity.

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BoredZelda · 17/01/2022 12:15

Depends what you mean when you say "right wing views"

If it is that there should be better controls on immigration, a reduction in the welfare state and privatisation being the answer to all the NHS's problems, then fair enough I can agree to disagree with that.

If you are using "Right wing views" as code to mean he is sexist, racist, homophobic and believes in Qanon type conspiracies, I'd be asking him to leave. Those are a dealbreaker for me and as I have an impressionable child I wouldn't want them around that on a daily basis.

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Bouncer500 · 17/01/2022 12:17

I could not be arsed with someone who was terrified of Coronavirus.

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Esspee · 17/01/2022 12:18

Deal breaker for me too.

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