Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

Hmm. I've been here and got the T shirt. The only thing you can do is let him get on with it I'm afraid.

He's got the rest of his life to achieve his academic potential, if he wants to. His A-levels aren't even a bump in the road on that scale.

Massively frustrating for you but you have to let it go. It's his life and some lessons you have to learn through your own experiences.

You say he does his homework so I'm not really seeing the problem? His teachers will set enough homework for him to achieve his potential, he doesn't need to do more than this.

Source: I'm an A level teacher who sets a lot of homework!

Sounds like he's doing alright and he'll be fine.

Just let him get on with it, it's his 1st year of A levels.

One of mine was like this . I don't think that you can do more than usual support of love, laundry, somewhere to work and food.
I haven't met a teenager who is going to put more effort in because their parent wants them to.
Doing well at school is about a lot of skills eg concentration, memory, self motivation, willingness to please, competitive spirit, wanting to conform etc.To do well you have to have the right mix of skills and shouldn't feel a failure if you don't get a hatful of A stars.We just don't all have the right mix.
I know many young people who have trodden a different path; some to later business or academic success and some to just getting on with life. It is so easy to get bogged down with one's own assumptions and aspirations particularly at school where 'everyone' seems to be on the same path but it is futile for you and DS. Let him live his life, don't let him feel like a failure or as if he hasn't pleased you and see what happens.

@Chouetted

He's got the rest of his life to achieve his academic potential, if he wants to. His A-levels aren't even a bump in the road on that scale.

Not exactly - if he wants to study medicine, for example, they're absolutely vital.

OP - can you afford to pay for private tutors? What's he studying?

I was like this. A levels were a step up from GCSEs though. I tried coasting my A level work, I behaved fine and did my homework but it was done to a fairly crappy standard putting in minimum effort.

I then got a (verbal) kick up the bum from one of my better teachers, telling me she expected more. It had a real impact and I started making more effort. In fact I can still remember her words now!!

Might one or more of his teachers tell him they expect better?

I have a 16 year old doing Highers, he just simply isn’t really bothered and it’s massively frustrating. No idea what he wants to do or achieve after school I can help him if he needs it but really he needs to do it himself I can’t go to school for him. He gets all the encouragement and help I can give but they have to want it.

Flip side is my 21 year old was very similar and struggled with academic work, bright boy and nice lad but just didn’t enjoy school and is very practical. Went to college did an engineering access course now has an engineering apprenticeship earning well and good career progression and he enjoys it, it’s practical and academic but he’s applying the theory to his practise so makes more sense for him. He’s doing really well. He faffed about the year after leaving school until I told him he needed to get a job or go to college and helped him apply but he studied for entrance tests etc am proud of him. It just took some time to get him on the path he wanted. It’s hard but you do need to step back a bit, be there for them though

@BrunoJenkins that’s quite reassuring thank you. His homework doesn’t seem to take him long though, although from sneaky looks through his books he’s getting decent marks for it.
@vodkaredbullgirl I concerned that his teachers will be predicting his university grades based on work he’s doing this year.

Something that I think people realise very late is that drive, ambition and levels of basic laziness ARE a key part of 'academic potential'.

It's not necessarily the cleverest academics who get to the top, or those that have the best/most original ideas... it's those who will doggedly put in the hours writing papers etc., those who will slog at it.

You can probably transfer this to pretty much every industry I imagine.

You absolutely cannot influence it at this stage, but what might happen is that when he fails at something (could well be his A-levels) he will realise that he DOES have some of that drive, and will start turning that element of himself around.

In that sense, it's far better to mess up A-levels than swing those but mess up Uni/placement/first job/whatever.

But however you look at it - in terms of achieving 'success', your ability to put in effort, concentrate, work, not be lazy - they are part of your academic ability, not something that just 'affects' it.

He's getting good grades and doing all his homework. What else exactly are you disappointed in him not doing?

He's getting good grades, doing his homework and doing what he needs to do. I'm not quite sure what you're so worried about.

My youngest brother completely coasted at school, especially in A levels, and for CCD. He’s the highest earning of the three of us by far!

I got AAB and I’m the lowest earning

DS1 was the same - very bright but lazy AF. He didn’t get into his first choice of university which he now regrets, but went to another university which was actually better for him as it had better links to industry. He got a very good Masters and he’s now working as a graduate in a large multinational and doing very well. He really just needed to mature, which thankfully he’s done. I’m sure your DS will be fine, it sounds like he’s just a bit fed up with school which is understandable after years of classrooms and exams. He’ll get there in his own time by following his own path

It may not mean much long term tbh. I studied hard, got good grades, went to uni, then didn't know what I wanted to do with my degree so have only had jobs, not a career, and never earned more than 23k. That's fine, I don't mind, but I know some people would see that as underachieving. I just made choices which made me happy and I don't regret anything. But getting good grades didn't help me really.
My best friend on the other hand, did poorly at school, then went to college in her early twenties, worked her way up, and is now an engineer on nearly 40k.
Anecdotes don't help your son I know. Can you talk to him about what he wants to do career wise? If doctor obviously he needs to pull his socks up! But if he doesn't know, then there probably isn't anything you can do apart from pointing out that good grades will give him easier options later.

Also, the way things are done in many workplaces, you’re better off with a higher class degree from a less well known/ thought of Uni, than a lower class degree from a Uni where it’s very rigorous.

(Disclaimer - this isn’t me being sour grapes as I got a good class degree!)

Is there someone who could intervene, a teacher, a sports coach or a family member who he really respects?

My Mum used to try to shame me about cooking when I was younger. It didn't work. It had the opposite effect as I couldn't stand the constant comments. I really love cooking now and might have gone in that direction careerwise if she had shut the fuck up!

One of mine was the same, great GCSEs without making any effort at all, however she couldn't pull that off at A level and left with nothing.
Thankfully she wasn't interested in uni and got herself a job which she loves, but if your DS is interested in uni then he needs to buckle down.

Is there any chance he's just frustrated with / pushing back on the pressure you put on him.

Step back a little.

He's doing fine. His goals and ambitions might not be the same as your goals and ambitions for him.

What does he want to do, when he goes to uni?

[quote bigroundsun]@BrunoJenkins that’s quite reassuring thank you. His homework doesn’t seem to take him long though, although from sneaky looks through his books he’s getting decent marks for it.
@vodkaredbullgirl I concerned that his teachers will be predicting his university grades based on work he’s doing this year.[/quote]
His teachers will be giving predicated grades…..based on the work he’s done that he’s got decent marks for??? What is your worry, what more do you want???

@Skeumorph that’s so true. I’m struggling to accept his lack of drive it’s incredibly frustrating.
Even though he’s doing homework he’s got exams coming up soon but not doing anything extra to prepare for them and any encouragement from me is met with ‘in a minute’ or ‘I will’ but doesn’t happen.