Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

@Chouetted

He's got the rest of his life to achieve his academic potential, if he wants to. His A-levels aren't even a bump in the road on that scale.

I don’t agree with that. It’s harder and more expensive to return to studying now. There’s fewer adult evening courses and they are more expensive than in the 90’s and 00’s.

No advice OP but my son is exactly the same and at the same stage. It’s certainly a challenge.

Bribing not really needed at uni. the desire to earn a decent wage kicks in once they a) have to pay for everything themselves and b) experience part-time jobs

Degree no longer guarantees a solid income. And if a kid went to university unwillingly- will either drop out or fail or end up with a useless degree.

@CatsArePeople

Bribing not really needed at uni. the desire to earn a decent wage kicks in once they a) have to pay for everything themselves and b) experience part-time jobs

Degree no longer guarantees a solid income. And if a kid went to university unwillingly- will either drop out or fail or end up with a useless degree.

That's true, which is why the caveat is a sensible degree, preferably with a placement year. The OP seems quite grounded. I doubt she'd let her son study History, Politics or similar at a university that accepts students with a D in said subject.

People mistakenly think that uni name matters. But there plenty of supposed 'low ranking' unis, with excellent employer links, whose students get placements and jobs before they've graduated. Think Portsmouth, Stirling, Essex, Bath (ok bath isn't that low ranked but not in the self styled 'russell group')

You don't need a string of A's for these universities. If that's his eventual destination then as long as he's on track for the grades he NEEDS, it's ok

You do have to step back. One of mine then got the guilt for disappointing us but still didn’t have the drive to go for it. All it does is create anxiety.

He will learn, I got pissed for GCSEs and A levels instead of revising I had to resit. It's not fucked me over too badly just extra work needed to be done later on. My parents told me I chose not to listen.

Very few people reach their full potential, imo. As pp have said, it’s not just having the ability, you have to really want it. We all end up doing a cost/benefit analysis, and if someone doesn’t feel the hard slog is worth the sacrifice in other areas of their life, even if others think it’s short-sighted, then they will settle for not reaching the pinnacle of achievement. Doesn’t mean they won’t make a success of their lives, just that ‘success’ is very subjective. If you don’t relish the hard slog necessary to get the grades to get into e.g. Medicine in the first place, it’s unlikely you would have wanted that hard slog for the next 6 or 7 years as well.

He can go back to education when he's ready and motivated.

we've got a few late bloomers in out family.
my nephew failed his A-levels after spending two years arsing about on his Xbox
It took his mates leaving for university and living at home with few friends and less money for him to realise he didn't want things to be like that for ever.
He found a different college, did an A-level equivalent qualification. After university and some years teaching in China he's now a qualified primary teacher, and very good at it by all accounts.

My sister (not nephew's mum) failed her 11+ and felt academics were not for her, so left school at 16. After having her children she worked her way up in a legal field to the point where she would need a law degree for the next role, and so her company paid for this, and she completed it with ease.

You're being that pushy parent.

You're job is changing now that he is entering adulthood. You're done parenting him and your role now changes to supporting him as he navigates his OWN choices. Be there to listen and support but don't push your wants and needs on to him. It's for him to carve out his pathway now and he's going to make all kinds of mistakes along the way.

Nurture your relationship with him and show him that you respect him & his choices. It'll be better in the long run.

I was very academic, it came easily to me to learn and retain information. I did very well at school with modest effort and got excellent grades and a place on a highly competitive course at a prestigious university, which was my ambition from the age of 11 or so.

Neither of my DC were academic, they are both very bright, as clever as me if they put their minds to it but it wasn't for them.

I realised that the academic drive and ambition was me, not them - their wants weren't the same as mine at their age, and that's completely fine.

What I really wanted for them was to have the friendships that I missed out on when I was younger, because the kids I went to school with just weren't on my wavelength and at uni most people were far wealthier than me and whilst intellectually they were more on my level we had nothing in common. I spent a lot of time never feeling I fitted in anywhere, other than within my family. Whereas my children have really strong friendship groups and are much happier and more content than I was. And ultimately that's what's best - that they're happy, secure and confident.

He's young. He might get his motivation layer in life. No shame is studying later in life.

It’s horrible but to reassure you my son had to completely bomb his first year of A levels to realise that he needed to do it for himself and not for me. He was more than capable of good A levels but was more interested in smoking weed and getting drunk.
He transferred to a BTEC - worked hard, found it easy, got a distinction or whatever the Btec equivalent is and got into Uni of Manchester on his desired course. He graduated with a first and is in a decent job but now also starting his own business.
Keep supporting - it’s a tricky age and for some they just to realise that it’s got them, not anybody else. If he’s bright, he’ll find a way. I hope yours isn’t getting stoned because it’s so hard to get through to them when they’re into weed.
He’s thankfully left these things behind and had a bossy gf who wouldn’t allow it anyway! 😉😆

My brother was the same left with no qualifications to his name. Dropped out of college twice. Started at the very bottom in his field of work. Is now oversea as a top manager for a whole country.

Does he have any ideas as to what he wants to do as I think that half the battle if they don't have a goal to work for or a reason to get the grades. It won't means he will never achieve but the path is much more difficult.

I feel for you OP! A lot of students are very capable, but just don't do the work, and there are often serious implications for that lack of effort. Based on experience it's almost impossible to motivate them, they need to do it themselves.

My niece is in such a situation. She is very academically clever, but probably wastes hours per day on instagram and tiktok. It will be reflected in her results.

It's also a difficult time, because some teenagers are aware of making an effort earlier than others. Wish I knew the solution :(

2 DSs here, both been through A levels with wildly different outcomes. You won't get him to study more/be more diligent/ etc because you want it. Let him see how he does in his exams with this level of effort - these ones won't be used for predictions, that will come later. His teachers will let him know if he's not doing enough.
Help him look at unis, go to open days, listen honestly and without prejudice to his aims and ambitions. It may be that he has other plans but feels you have your own ideas about his life.

Much rather a happy lad who can't be arsed, than one who is slogging their guts out and making themselves miserable.

A couple of people have said what if he's going for Medicine etc... If he can't be arsed at 17 his medical career will never get off the ground, so that's not really the avenue for him. Live and let live, if he's got something between his ears he'll be fine in most workplaces.

This was me in my teens, school was east and no effort needed. No actual interesr in having to use effort

In life, academic success doesn't always mean you achieve your goals/ do well at work etc. It would be better to focus on the skills he will need in work. Have a look here mumsatthetable.com/how_to_prepare_your_child_for_a_successful_career/ to get some ideas. I've done well not because of my degrees but because my work ethics are strong.

We should def demand more work skills teaching in schools, its invaluable!

I was academically really pretty bright, but didn't really study at school. I worked hard enough on the actual work/homework, but did next to no revision for exams. That was good enough to get me excellent Standard grades/Highers/CSYS, and into a competitive degree at my first choice, highly selective Uni, when I was just turned 17 (Scotland).
Well, I was MISERABLE there. I spent the whole of my first year not enjoying it, crying to my mother on the phone, and wanting to drop out. I struggled, and didn't get a good degree classification because I hated it so much.
It took me until my 30s to go on and do a Masters, and then PhD, which I was much more committed to. I think I worked on the expectations my family had when I was at School/an undergraduate, and it took me actually wanting to do something about it, to apply myself. In short, he has to want to do it. Trying to force it will more than likely end up an unhappy child - and he will come to it as time passes... or not, and do something else which makes him motivated, fulfilled and proud!

DB was really lazy at school. Took his GCSEs twice and did just as badly the second time round. He got a dead end job. Then got a slightly better job. Then went to college, then uni. He now has a senior and well paid job, a wife and a son.

Obviously hopefully he gets it and starts working and does well but if he doesn't there's no reason that he won't end up in the same place as everybody else especially if he finds something that you really want to do. I did really badly in college and then ended up doing an add-on course which made something click in me and I ended up with a great degree and a great job. My husband only got his act together in third year of university and now he has an excellent job but it was all because we had an interesting what we were doing. It's only since lockdown that I've realized how much is put onto teenagers. Best of luck op

I was your DS. I wish now that my parents had asked more of me. Not pushed me as that would have caused my teenage self to rebel. Talk to him about what working hard now will mean for his future. I also had a morbid fear of failure which caused me to aim low. Check if he has similar issues.

If it's any consolation, I was a real coaster at School and always did just enough to not get in trouble but with minimal effort but still got good GCSEs grades. Carried on in the same vein in 6th form but we then did mock A'levels at start of the last year and I got low grades ( C&Ds). I wanted to go to a good University and so the mocks were a real wake up call. Pulled my finger out, worked hard for rest of the year & got 4 As.

I feel your frustration OP, my eldest DS is the classic 'bright but lazy' boy, did ok in his GCSEs, not the 9s we'd expected (telling a bright kid to keep on 'doing what you're doing' when that's basically nothing doesn't persuade them to actually revise!) but he was fine with his results. It was only really the second year of A levels and getting the offers for uni back that began to motivate him. He wanted the grades for Loughborough, knew he could get them and just knuckled down and worked. The day of his last physics assessment he came home fighting tears because he thought he'd mucked up (he hadn't, but didn't know it then) and I'd never seen him like that before.

I think he just grew up a bit at college. He worked part time through lockdown and when he started looking at unis, he took it upon himself to research his options and decided that he was going to go to the best one for the money....that came from him, not us. There were definitely tears of joy and relief on results day (not that he'll admit it) and now he's there I just trust that he'll put the work in and achieve what he's capable of.

Bottom line.....you can't do it for them. You just have to wait for it to click, and then they knuckle down. It's hard, I know, but hang in there OP, try not to 'nag' and let him work it out for himself.

I should have said, the keep doing what you're doing comments were from school, not us!