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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

190 replies

bigroundsun · 17/01/2022 10:02

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

OP posts:
Boogaloony · 17/01/2022 11:55

@Chouetted

He's got the rest of his life to achieve his academic potential, if he wants to. His A-levels aren't even a bump in the road on that scale.
I couldn't are with this more. I was a very high achieving kid but everything went to shit when I was 14 and told my mum I'd been sexually abused. She didn't care. Left school with zero GCSEs. Ended up a cocaine addict in a very violent relationship. I'm now mid forties, got a degree, a masters, about to do a PGCE to teach and I own my own home and hope to buy another in a few years. But most of All I'm incredibly happy.

CCSEs and A levels do not define future life achievement. Even if he fails to get into a a university right after A levels, he can very likely attend the following year as a mature student (and much lower requirements for students 19+).

SoManyTshirts · 17/01/2022 12:09

I also had one like this. Dropped out at 17 and spent a couple of years serving fast food on zero contract then call centre, where they progressed a bit … then redundancy threatened and they became a public-sector high-flyer. More than10 years on, I’m grateful to MN for telling me it wasn’t the end of the world.

HeatonGrove · 17/01/2022 12:09

*Something that I think people realise very late is that drive, ambition and levels of basic laziness ARE a key part of 'academic potential'.

It's not necessarily the cleverest academics who get to the top, or those that have the best/most original ideas... it's those who will doggedly put in the hours writing papers etc., those who will slog at it.

You can probably transfer this to pretty much every industry I imagine*

This.

Give me a bright hard worker over a lazy genius anytime.

esloquehay · 17/01/2022 12:16

YABU, as this isn't about you or your aspirations, but his.
I'm sure he picks up on your suppurating expectations and concomitant disappointment.
Poor you, having a son who is well behaved, does his homework and does well enough.
🤦🤦🤦

Wotrewelookinat · 17/01/2022 12:21

@Chouetted

He's got the rest of his life to achieve his academic potential, if he wants to. His A-levels aren't even a bump in the road on that scale.
This. My daughter is the same. She dropped out of yr 13 at the first half term. She could have achieved 3 A*s at A levels, but was so disillusioned and fed up of studying she had had enough. We talked through all the options. She isn’t interested in uni so can’t see the point of A levels atm. Her father didn’t do A levels, and we know several people who have come back to studying later in life. She’s currently working in a supermarket, earning good money and saving. She’s learnt so many life skills doing this and it’ll be great on her CV.

You need to let your DS decided for himself, though I know this is a hard thing to do.

HobgoblinGold · 17/01/2022 12:25

I think if you've told him then there's not much else you can do. If he fails then this may be the wake up call he needs. I know my husband pretty much cruised until he got to uni, so you may find your son is the same.

Ohmybod · 17/01/2022 12:28

Does he have any other potential aside from academic potential? It’s great that he is still in study at 17, but the academic route is not for everyone. Or, he might just be taking longer than others to find his way on the path. I was similar to your DS and I fluffed my a levels, scraped through Uni and then ot took several job moves to find my niche. I’m now very successful. I don’t think my mum lost too much sleep along the way because I was generally happy as I went along…if your DS is happy enough, let him crack and don’t stress about potential.

ElftonWednesday · 17/01/2022 12:30

It's annoying but that's just how they are. I got ABC at A-Level and probably could have got AAB and into my first choice university if I'd worked harder, but I wanted to enjoy myself and do less work, and I did. Working out that I was not a workaholic and needed balance at a young age was actually quite positive.

Shrewoodle · 17/01/2022 12:32

Sounds very like me, I coasted until A levels then really struggled to knuckle down and revise. Was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. If a young person wants to do well but seems "lazy" it may be worth considering. Of course it's usually just classic teenager but some kids are the exception.

Ozanj · 17/01/2022 12:36

My brother was like this throughout school - minimum effort but still managed to get 100% marks throughout GCSE and A Level exams - to the point his work was often marked three times to make sure there hadn’t been a mistake. He went to uni, did the right course for him, and got a first with a 98% mark & is now back at that uni as a lecturer after being headhunted. Even now he manages to plan lectures in a couple of hours and spends the rest of the day going to the gym / with his friends / doing stuff that interests him & his uni loves him. So I wouldn’t worry if he’s getting the grades - some people are just more ‘efficient’ at their studies lol.

saleorbouy · 17/01/2022 12:37

Massively frustrating to watch I imagine but he will likely see the error of his ways and make amends to get a successful career in his early 20's.
Sometimes you have to leave them make their own mistakes, only when they see the full picture do they realise why your concern, cajoling and annoyance at the time were valid.
Plenty of time to pick up the pieces a few years down the line, sometimes mature access to University is better as they have a greater understanding of the career path 4hey wish to pursue.
Even if he made it to University how successful would he be with his current attitude to work, no lecturer is going to care if he attends lectures or submits assignments he has to get his work ethos from within.

DorisFlies · 17/01/2022 12:43

DS1 was exactly the same and it is hard to watch so feel for you OP! He cruised his GCSEs and came unstuck during A levels. He had just drifted into subjects he wasn't passionate about. Probably not helped by being flagged as Oxbridge potential. Gave us all expectations. 6th form college were great and he moved into a course that seemed more vocational and achieved top marks which got him into an ndustry relevant degree course with a scholarship. Aced that with a 1st and now outearns us all BUT most importantly is really happy. My snobbishness is firmly back in its box . Good luck and keep on showing the love.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 17/01/2022 12:43

I mean, it doesn’t sound as though he’s doing terribly. I would wait and see what the result of these upcoming exams is. If he gets lower grades than he’s expecting them that might be the moment to have a conversation about it.

For what it’s worth, I did great in the first year of A Levels but all the pressure, uni applications and being unsuited to one of my courses meant that I had a breakdown in the second year, got shit grades and went to my third choice uni. It took me ages to regain confidence and my career has taken years to get up to where it could have been as a result.

Just saying!

Ozanj · 17/01/2022 12:44

@HeatonGrove

*Something that I think people realise very late is that drive, ambition and levels of basic laziness ARE a key part of 'academic potential'.

It's not necessarily the cleverest academics who get to the top, or those that have the best/most original ideas... it's those who will doggedly put in the hours writing papers etc., those who will slog at it.

You can probably transfer this to pretty much every industry I imagine*

This.

Give me a bright hard worker over a lazy genius anytime.

In academic a quick turnaround of papers is vital. Nobody wants a hard worker / slogger - they want a lazy genius who knows they need to use their dissertations as base materials to write and publish papers quickly. My lazy brother has published almost 15 papers within the past year just by exploring slightly different facets of the topic he already wrote about for his undergrad and masters.
minionsrule · 17/01/2022 12:44

@lastqueenofscotland

Knuckles down not knickers Down!!! Blush
Sorry but the original version was so much funnier Grin
CatsArePeople · 17/01/2022 12:45

He doesn't want to be an academic. He's probably just "interested" in university to just to please you. What other paths he might consider? Apprenticeship? Military? University won't run away if he rediscovers his motivation later.

Slingingcontest · 17/01/2022 12:46

I don't have a clue about boys or any professional skills in education; so the following are just a few ideas that I have picked up as a parent of a teen (and temp guardian of a young adult) and from the situations of friends and family , which may or may not be helpful, and may or may not apply to your individual son:

I think it is wise to stay out of conflicts in areas where teens have all the power eg food and study. But that doesn't mean that you don't show interest, ask pertinent questions, show support and encouragement, communicate with teachers, maybe express certain expectations (carefully) that are related to effort more than achievement, facilitate calm study areas and timetables, prepare snacks etc. Sometimes just sitting down regularly at home in a quiet space yourself and doing a couple of hours of your own work consistently over the week can help them to develop good habits and give them some companionship. But ultimately, the effort has to come from him. And he needs to be aware of that too.

I think his peers and the school ethos play a huge part in this. If he is in a school where effort and academic achievement is encouraged and it's not seen as uncool to study, then that is some part of the battle won. It still depends on individual effort though. A good school will start upping demands around the age of fifteen/sixteen but some pupils, especially boys, can be late developers. How mature is your ds in the rest of his non-academic life? It's good to take that in to account as I've found that teens can be high achieving in one area and not so good in another; progress isn't always even or linear.

Teens aren't always known for their forward planning skills ! Smile Something that might help is a day out or a weekend away devoted to getting him to think about his future. This might include visiting someone doing a job in an area he is showing some interest in and researching it together - even writing out in map form - the steps it takes to get there. The discussion with the adult should include the benefits of doing the job in terms of personal fulfilment, challenges overcome, independence (flat?/car?) and the skills that job requires. Maybe a few on-line college or rl university visits? Discussions with uni students you know?

You might take your DS to lunch and ask him how he sees the next five years panning out? Maybe avoid getting too bogged down in career talk but try and connect with him on a more adult-to-adult level and tell him how excited and interested you are to know what direction he is going to take his life in, and get the message across that he has the control and needs to plough his own furrow. I think adopting the position of "interested to know what you are going to come up with" is a better dynamic than "frustrated parent constantly forced to nag" ifyswim because it puts the ball in his court.

It's so hard emotionally as a parent to step back, watch them make mistakes, and let them find their own way. One of the hardest things about parenting in fact. But it is imho so much better to do this in their teens than find yourself with adult offspring who have "failed to launch" because they haven't learned to take responsibility for themselves.

One of the difficulties with modern education is that pupils can be bombarded with rules and assessments and "what they cannot do" for seven years and they forget to empower students with the skills and strategies required for them to take personal responsibility or indeed emphasise the notion that they are in charge of their own destiny,; so ram that message home. School can appear like a series of discrete, meaningless obstacles that pupils have to jump over without much personal investment. It's our job as parents to connect the dots. Talk to him about how you made your career choices, take him through it step by step. Introduce him to colleagues, friends, encourage and facilitate contacts.

Perhaps set your son a few tasks (either professional or domestic) that are slightly above his level of competence or slightly outside of his comfort zone. Duke of Edinburgh award is good for this but it could be solving a professional (logistic) task involving interacting with adults or voluntary work Involving children or the elderly or conversing in a foreign language, where your teen is put on the back foot a bit (in a safe way) and is designed to shake teens out of any "coasting" behaviour, or feeling like "they know it all", take responsibility, stretch them a bit and build confidence. Overall this can have a good effect on other areas of their life such as academics. (Difficult with a pandemic going on but worth trying!)

Also, it's worthwhile checking out, or at least discussing, how many hours your DS spends on his phone or gaming. Does he have a good life balance? Does he exercise? Is he gaming a lot or on-line when he should be sleeping? Faced with difficult challenges or difficulties sometimes it's easier for our teens to sink in to the comfort of an instantly accessible on-line life, instead of confronting RL realities i.e. their marks! I know I do this when times are stressful! I would have had difficulties with self discipline if I had had a smart phone when I studied that's for sure; with constant notifications sounding, I would have been hopeless. I don't know how teens do it now tbh, with so many distractions at their finger tips!

Something related to living on-line too much can be a certain underlying anxiety (this may not apply to your son). But some teens (often girls) find it difficult to study because they are overwhelmed or anxious or comparing themselves to ridiculously unrealistic levels of perfection that they see on-line. In this case it's helpful as a parent to model tackling tasks that are overwhelming and difficult and breaking them down piece by piece. And working on them consistently and with a positive "let's get stuck in" outlook.

And try not to betray too much anxiety (difficult though this is) around the area of academic achievement. It's such a fine line and will depend on whether they need a rocket, or a bribe, or just some steering, but ultimately you want to avoid being so anxious that they come away thinking you don't believe they are capable! Installing confidence in their capabilities is key! And of course trying to do all of the above while maintaining, most important of all, a good loving relationship!

[Lastly, this probably doesn't apply to your son if he has achieved well previously but always best to check if a student has any learning difficulties. Believe it or not, the teen boy of a friend of mine only had his dyslexia discovered when he was in difficulty with his A-levels. And because the lad was quiet and handed hwk in, his mild learning difficulty had escaped his own attention and that of his parents & teachers.]

Sorry for the essay but I found this period of life with my teen difficult to negotiate! It's really tricky! Good luck Flowers

Nonimity · 17/01/2022 12:47

I am just going through the same. After Xmas hols DS announced he wasn’t going back to college. I think that this year is a bigger challenge for yr 12s. They missed so much school, did easier GCSEs and then are expected to just step up to A level study. I don’t know how true this is but the college told me that the drop out rate is extraordinarily high for the year group. My son is changing direction and will study from home before joining college again in September. There are lots of cheap/ free courses out there.

TillyTopper · 17/01/2022 12:52

As long as he's happy and not expecting you to continue to fund his lifestyle then surely it's up to him?

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 17/01/2022 13:05

Not everyone is suited to a university education, although the aim was for 50% to have one.

There are some degrees that are ineffective in terms of leading to a career and some people would be better off following a different path.

Does he actually want to go to university? Does he have thoughts about a career? Sometimes people have to fail before they succeed.

Diddlydeee · 17/01/2022 13:13

I’m on both sides of this

Me: coasted through college and failed. In the end I restarted, did well at University and have a great career. But I did lose 2 years while being lazy and phaffing about

My son: high achiever, lazy, complacent and can’t be arsed. It’s painful to watch but frustrating knowing I was exactly the same.

MatildaTheCat · 17/01/2022 13:20

I feel your pain DS2 was a pretty lazy student. Never even read his A level Eng lit books all the way through. He somehow managed to achieve A* AA but it was a bit of a miracle.

Does your DS want to go to uni? If so going on visits and understanding that he’ll have to make the effort to go where he wants might be a more tangible reason to get down to some proper work.

Chouetted · 17/01/2022 13:21

@Sceptre86

There isn't much you can do apart from continue to be the supportive parent you clearly are. It must be so difficult to stand by whilst your kid wastes his potential but one thing I would say is that he should get a wake up call when he sits his mocks. The depth of knowledge is greater at a-level and the questions on exam papers are not just simply wrote, they require you to correctly identify the principles you need and apply them. That is often what catches out kids that did well at GCSe with very little effort. It's a different ballgame at A-level.

I completely disagree with the poster who said he has years to achieve his academic potential
If he wants to go into a competitive field like medicine or dentistry he will be ruling himself out of he doesn't get the necessary grades at A-level. You can of course do access courses but they too are competitive and it is a very long winded way of getting there. I'm not saying it can't be done but as a mature student there will be other factors that he would have to take into consideration that aren't at play now.

I'm not honestly sure studying medicine is the best example of "reaching your academic potential" - I was friends with the medics at my uni., and it mostly seemed to involve late nights, and a knack for rote memorisation. I would walk into their rooms and the walls would literally be plastered with information.

But, we don't know what he wants to do, and the OP did specifically say academic potential, so I think we can assume not a vocational subject.

CatsArePeople · 17/01/2022 13:28

If he wants to go into a competitive field like medicine or dentistry he will be ruling himself out

Let's face it - this kid is hardly doctor material

ExConstance · 17/01/2022 13:35

I used to tell my children that if they got an "A" for achievement I didn't care if they got an "E" for effort. To be able to get good grades without busting a gut seemed to be good preparation for adult life to me.