Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

If its his first year he might do poorly in his AS levels and give him a kick up the bum to study more for resits. This is what happened to me. D and E in as levels (I actually thought I was reading it wrong as like your son got by with minimal effort before!)... As in A levels.

OP that was me and then got through my second year of uni, realised I had to actually do some work and I wasn’t special, just bright enough to wing GSCEs/Alevels.
Knickers down, now have and MSC, a good job and working (hard!!!) toward some prestigious professional qualifications. I think until he realises he can’t coast, he will coast.

Knuckles down not knickers Down!!!

My DS17 is exactly the same. Has always found school easy and even with the bare minimum of work is a high achiever. He disengaged this time last year, did zero work or revision but still came away with grade 7s and above in 10 GCSE’s. School did 3 lots of exams to base grades on so it wasn’t just an estimation. He was predicted 8s and 9s. We were delighted with his results because we knew how little he did, however, sad he didn’t feel that he’d let himself down.
He is doing ok at A level but still has the breeze through attitude.
I have to admit that I was very much the same, I realised that life is a balance and life is for living, reaching beyond your capabilities can lead to stress and anxiety. I breezed through my degree, when others burned the midnight oil studying I was partying. But maybe this is how it should be, if you have to constantly struggle to achieve then anxiety becomes your best friend. Ultimately you end up in a roll you are unable to sustain.
Breezing through life is ok. Struggling to keep up is stressful and frustrating.
Your DS’s natural ability will always show through, just be thankful you don’t have to invest time, stress an money to wring the last bit of ability out of him to achieve a decent set of results.
DS is at a selective independent school where some children are asked to leave if they can’t keep up. So many parents, who are already shelling out thousands in school fees, are paying even more in extra tutoring just so the children keep their place.
They have their whole lives ahead of them and plenty of time to do a u turn. Pushing them into a bottle neck career pathway will lead to burnout.
I was very sure that I wanted to be a dentist and even now, 40 yrs down the line, really love my job. I want DS, who currently has no idea what he wants to do, not to feel shoe horned into a career not of his choice. We let him choose his Alevel subjects, not my preferred choices in view of his ability but he wanted to do subjects he hadn’t done before. His GCSEs will get him into Russell group unis with a good set of grades at A level and with a general degree he will have a good baseline education for whatever career he chooses.
It is so unfare that you have to make future limiting choices at such an early age, particularly for the current A level students who have missed out on so much over the last two years.

@lastqueenofscotland

Knuckles down not knickers Down!!!

Oh god, that's a funny typo!

Don't pressure him. You'll undermine any internal motivation he does have. And don't worry about him - if he is genuinely clever he can turn things around at any point. You can go to university in your mid-twenties, or you can do a Masters' at a 'fancier' university than your undergrad, if you want to. A-levels are very much NOT the be-all and end-all. I even know people who went into medicine later in life.

The minute he decides he wants to work hard he will do it, and it will probably be when he really sees that there's something in it for him, not to please someone else.

Also - and I don't think this is him - I underachieved/looked like I was coasting due to adhd. But I have a high earning job/career now, a few years after being diagnosed. My point being that you can struggle in your career for a long while but then turn it around at any point, even mid thirties. Education is life long now, it's not all about A Levels and a degree by 21.

A levels is v early on. Lots of people have hiccups on the way. I was v driven, conscientious and I’ve had my share of failure and issues.

Just talk to him about what he wants from life and show the link to his exams. Personally I discuss the competitiveness of jobs and difficulty if they wish to buy a house with my kids who are primary age. I say that work put in now will increase their chances of getting a job of their choice (either well paying or interesting or both - depending on their motivation). Catching up with Studying later on (eg during uni or after while working will be a lot harder because they they will have to do it in their spare time). So any effort they can do now will likely help them in the future.

His homework doesn’t seem to take him long though, although from sneaky looks through his books he’s getting decent marks for it.

Are you sure he isnt doing enough? If he is very able it may simply be that it won't be much of a stretch for him to continue getting high grades.

Sorry but YABU. He knows what grades he needs for a course. You might need to tell him that the top unis aren;t keen on students resitting. But apart from that, tell him you trust him to put in the hours he needs or to review his aspirations.

They have so much going on at this stage in their lives. With Covid on top, not surprising motivation is rock bottom.As PP's say, he has time to develop a work ethic and get the grades he needs.

[quote bigroundsun]@Skeumorph that’s so true. I’m struggling to accept his lack of drive it’s incredibly frustrating.
Even though he’s doing homework he’s got exams coming up soon but not doing anything extra to prepare for them and any encouragement from me is met with ‘in a minute’ or ‘I will’ but doesn’t happen.[/quote]
His teachers will be setting revision tasks as part of his homework

I did really well at GCSE level - A's and a couple of B's with very minimal effort. I was pushed into A levels I didn't really want to do, nor had natural aptitude for, by my parents and basically failed the lot. I walked away with a D, U, N in my 3 core subjects and a D in General Studies. The 2 D's got me into an ex poly to read economics, which I'd not studied at school, but I absolutely loved and excelled at. It was a risk to read a subject I knew nothing about, but the concept really interested me.

Failing my A levels was the shock I needed and I realised if I wanted any chance in an economics related career, I'd need to make up for it with my degree, especially given it would be from an ex poly. I worked really hard, got a 2:1, and have worked in investment banking my entire career. I really did need to understand the consequences of failing my A levels for myself, there is nothing my parents could have done at that stage to make me study harder, but it ultimately, didn't ruin my life.

It's frustrating for you, but aside from encouraging him, it's really up to him. He may be doing better than you know or he might get some disappointing results which might spur him on..

I'm another one with a 17 year old DS who is coasting along. He's in year 13 and has offers from RG universities, but I'm worried whether he will achieve those grades without a bit more work. He hardly does any work at home - he says that he gets it. done in his free periods at school. School agree that he's meeting expectations, but does not stretch himself.

I know from previous experience with this DS that nagging/shouting/threats/bribes will not work and that he now needs to make his own choices.

One of the things I try to remind him (and myself!) is that 5 minutes extra work is still worth it. You don't have to work for 5 hours every evening, but keeping your books organised and a quick read through of what you've done that day/week is better than nothing.

Doesn't stop me worrying though.

I’ve been there with my ds, he’s 19 now.

He’s very good at the things he enjoys - for example, got level 9 at GCSE for English and history but level 2 (!) for maths and IT as he’s always hated the subjects and just couldn’t be arsed with them.

He didn’t get to do A levels in English, politics and history like he wanted because he failed maths, everyone told him that it would be the case for years but he still didn’t care, just hated maths and wouldn’t do it.

He had to do a BTEC in something he hated as a means to an end to get UCAS points to do the thing he wanted fo do, and only got through it due to lockdown and being able to just plough through it in a couple of months at home. He only scraped a level 4 maths when he re took becuase he didn’t want to have to do it again.

I just had to let him get on with it.

Oh and so tried it all - nagging, bribes, outright threats. Nothing worked.

YANBU but nothing you can do will make it any better.

It’s his life, let him live it how he wants to.

It’s not going to ruin his life as he can always re-take his A levels etc so try not to worry too much, I’m sure 90% of parents feel exactly like you do.

@lastqueenofscotland

Knuckles down not knickers Down!!!

I am really giggling at this 🤣🤣 so is my husband 😂

He’s resisting you.

You are inadvertently causing this.

Whilst you hover and pressure (and snoop WTF?) you are giving him something to push against.

Once you drop the rope he will have to look up and around and respond to the broader environment of his peers, his teachers and his own core self.

How do I know this - because I made all of these mistakes myself by being too intense and anxious - it massively impacted our relationship beyond academics as DS saw me as over bearing and not trusting of him.

I didn’t back off until he had underachieved at his A Levels and missed his preferred Uni places - but he got through clearing - I let go and he pulled off a first at a RG (more importantly he learned to work for himself and loved the course) He is doing great now with a wonderfully rewarding and hard grafting career in the film industry.

Be confident to step back

If something is really annoying you about your child, you need to look within. Could this be about you, your motivation, your aspirations? He is getting good marks and doing his homework. Your encouragement isn't working. I think you need to let him make his own mistakes, if indeed that's what they are.

I know this is easier said than done! I am on at DS to do homework constantly as he always leaves it till the last minute!! Well feck me if I haven't just had a mini epiphany. This is what I always did and still do. I once stayed up all night to write an essay and fell asleep in class. Still don't know the solution though....

Stop putting so much pressure and expectation on him!
He's well behaved and does his homework you say, sounds like he's doing okay for a 17 year old.
He may be working at a level that suits himself, and more and it could affect stress levels and mental health etc.

Maybe have a quiet word with his teachers to let them know your concerns? Make sure he doesn’t find out. Surely they want him to achieve well too so might set more work for him. Some kids will only do the work set.

Point made about hard work and drive etc being at the heart of why people excel in some areas is so true. There isn't really such a thing as 'potential ' to be wasted is there. This is who he is.

I was very much like this. Did poorly at gcse pulled my socks up a bit at a level didn't get my first choice Uni but went to another one where I was very happy.

Op life is so long. Even if he doesn't get his preferred uni surely that is his own lesson to learn.

I was a bit of a disaster at school but now in my 40s successful in a v competitive industry. I was just someone who needed to make a lot of mistakes to get there my own way. I would say I didn't really focus with real effort until my mid twenties.

I could have written your post, OP. My dd is the same except she's also incredibly negative about school and hates it (even though she has lots of friends, has no problem with the work and never gets in trouble). She wants to go to university because she thinks it will be fun and doesn't know what else to do, but she has zero idea of what she wants to study or do as a job.

She's very intelligent and was sparky and motivated until year 9/10. She does fine in her work, but isn't good at self-direction, so revision for exams will be an issue. Essentially she has zero tolerance for doing anything whatsoever except for the few activities she really enjoys.

There isn't much you can do apart from continue to be the supportive parent you clearly are. It must be so difficult to stand by whilst your kid wastes his potential but one thing I would say is that he should get a wake up call when he sits his mocks. The depth of knowledge is greater at a-level and the questions on exam papers are not just simply wrote, they require you to correctly identify the principles you need and apply them. That is often what catches out kids that did well at GCSe with very little effort. It's a different ballgame at A-level.

I completely disagree with the poster who said he has years to achieve his academic potential
If he wants to go into a competitive field like medicine or dentistry he will be ruling himself out of he doesn't get the necessary grades at A-level. You can of course do access courses but they too are competitive and it is a very long winded way of getting there. I'm not saying it can't be done but as a mature student there will be other factors that he would have to take into consideration that aren't at play now.

Am in exactly the same position & feel just the same as you.
DS got 9's in all his GCSE's but is not really doing anything at all at the moment. He would actually love to do well in his A'levels, but seems to not get the fact he actually has to work. He's not doing so well this term.