Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

What you describe is age appropriate, if frustrating. Love, support, chose your battles and be there. Growing up and taking responsibility is what he's learning now.

Reading with interest as I'm in the same position. Boy same age ssme attitude. Doesn't help his sister got 7A highers and studying law and has a part time job so we constantly compare. I'm going to read all the answers here carefully.

I think it is often at A levels where this behaviour is common. A bright teenager can often coast through GCSEs but find at A levels the a lot more is required. In addition to this they will been spoon fed to a great extent through their GCSEs and are treated in a more adult way in the sixth form. It is also common for a bright youngster now to have hand the experience of failure and sometimes, harsh though the can seem, it is necessarily to have a short sharp shock in this way. Failure is often the best teacher. Unless your son really wants to study medicine or dentistry, there is always another chance. Oxbridge and Russell Group are not the be-all and end-all either. I’m supposed everything will be fine in the end.

Not to have had

I’m sure

It’s incredibly difficult to sit back as a parent and watch your child waste their potential. I’ve been very clear with my two that they need to put there work in, otherwise they will feel disappointed with their results. Consistent work throughout makes life so much easier. It’s not about being perfect or having unrealistic expectations, but when it comes down to it they should be able to say I did all could and did my very best. They should have no regrets about how much effort they put in.

The bottom line is that you can’t force them work. The buck stops with them. You have my sympathy op, it must be terribly stressful. I’m dreading the exam years.

You need to listen to The Life Scientific podcast : Clifford Stott on Riot Prevention; or read 'A Shepherds Life' by James Redbanks. These showcase successful people who realised their potential later in life in time, on their own accord and following own interests that somehow motivated them when school and a levels and studying initially saw them on a very different life path. In fact a lot of the Life Scientific podcasts showcase experts that have followed strange/ unconventional paths to becoming top scientists. Don't be discouraged give him time to develop his path.

My DS now 25 was very bright, did very well at school without trying, AAB at A-Level then went to uni.
Because no teachers were nagging, no threat of a detention or getting into trouble for not doing your homework he did bugger all after the initial first year 'excitement' and fairly relaxed pace. Procrastination became his middle name. He stayed for the 3 years and left shortly before finals thus incurring £40k of uni debt and no degree. I am to this day gutted.

Can I ask what it is that makes you think he's coasting?

I ask because my entire academic life I've been accused of coasting, admittedly at the higher end of the mark scheme but it drove me absolutely nuts. I was NOT coasting. I was doing my absolute hardest and not a single person, parents or teachers could see this.

It's completely understandable to feel that way and quite normal. As you probably realise,there isn't too much you can do about it other than just enquiring how things are going with him gently, does he still really want to do this course at uni for example?I have felt frustrated that my ds who has great potential doesn't put his whole effort in. With alot of digging into why it bothered me so much, I realised a large part was to do with how it reflected on me. Just trying to let go and offer support is all we can do, it isn't always easy.
As an aside, I was very capable and intelligent growing up. I was super lazy during A levels though. I turned up still a bit drunk to one exam and missed an hour of another one. I scraped through with a b and 2 c's. I made up for it though and did well with a good degree from an average Uni
I sold myself at interview and blagged my way into good jobs with my personality. Although the competition is so much harder now, I just believe things will turn out alright most the time and he will find his way, even if he messes this up and doesn't get into Uni. Hope you find a way of switching off from the worry x

You will have a Parents evening sometime and have the opportunity to hear first hand how his teachers think he’s doing.

Does he want to go to Uni?
Any University open days?

Teachers will advise you how his grades are.

My daughter is currently in year 13 , so on the last stretch.
We have to trust the teachers, they set and mark the work, the timetable I'm plenty of study time during the school week, obviously they need to do some work at home but not loads. If the teachers have any concerns about the effort being put in they will let you know.
I figure our job is to make sure they are well fed, clean and happy. I often ask about school and school work but she knows what she has to do.
You need to be more relaxed, he will thrive off of that

ask what he wants to do. then spell out how he needs to work to get it or the consequences.
we just went thru the same getting into secondary. told DD to lay off the games cos if she didnt work hard she wd have to go to a girls school and not the mixed one she wanted to, and there was nothing i cd do about it. it did the trick!
use that idea in your own words and ideas. and not just in 1 big blurt, get it into the conversation gradually.
btw we are having a similar dilemma now we are in the mixed school , doing little bt im working my way into her head again.
good luck!!

Please don’t worry. Amazing how our kids work it out in the end. One of mine went on a mental rip through four sixth form colleges, three universities before getting a first in economics. It was a nightmare. He’s now happily employed, bought flat, long term partner. Never did I think this would happen. Wish I’d just sat back and say que sera. Should sue him for my grey hair!

This was my cousin and at least one of my mates.

Cousin also bombed his first year of uni. He works with numbers now and earns way more than me.

My mate is deputy head of a large primary school.

I wouldn't worry unduly, lazy boys often go on to out earn hard-working girls throughout life.

If you think he’s coasting academically then start working on his life skills-how to run a home(shopping cooking cleaning) and managing money. All of us need these skills and the kids are not getting taught it.that will give you something practical to do to help him grow up and he will gain some skills too.

It’s natural to want your children to achieve their best and reach their full potential but it has got to come from him.

Rather than push him to study or stick in, it’s worth asking him what grades he is aiming to get and how confident he feels about achieving, it flips it round so he’s effectively setting the goals. The fact that he has an aspiration to get on a specific course/specific Uni is hope and suggest he does have some goals. You can ask what his plan B is, how he will feel if he misses the grades he needs ie do it much more as if you are curious/conversational rather than a push from you which he might be rallying against.

Your concerned that at attitude and approach he’s had for his whole school life is still being continued? You say yourself he coasted so he’s now just doing the same, once he sees the impact of coasting and some grades then he will have motivation to do more but right now he’s learned that this approach worked. You can’t expect to undo academic approach just because you can see as an adult he needs to, he will learn this from his mocks.

I was your son. Always near the top of the class with zero effort and got 11 good GCSEs without really trying. A levels are harder and as I continued to coast and never really worked I only got 4 Cs. At the time I didn’t care as I was sick of the academic conveyor belt and actually put uni off for a couple of years to travel. The low grade A levels did limit my choice of uni and subsequent career initially but I soon made my way up via a couple of jobs to a senior position in a fabulous global organisation that would not have accepted me straight from my average A levels and non top-tier uni (I coasted there too but still got a 2:1).
It took me a bit longer to get to where my potential could have taken me a few years sooner but I will never regret all the fun I had while I was young - and I would never have listened to anyone telling me to do things another way.
I guess my message is that it’s up to your son to choose what he does and as long as you have helped him to understand that he may be limiting his options in the short term, if he’s as capable as you say I’m sure he’ll do fine in the end!

He’ll find his way, there are tons of studies and data showing that exams and school are not the only or necessarily the most suitable way to ‘reach Your potential’.

I have to say OP our eldest DS was marked out as “gifted and talented” at primary school. It was the worst thing ever for him.

His high school, although a great place in itself, didn’t have many teachers who could keep him engaged. He also got bullied by his peers for being bright, which neither he or the school told us about for 6 months.

He went to college, made new friends, but decided he didn’t want to go to uni as by this time he was suffering with anxiety and severe depression. He will be 20 this year and it’s only recently that he’s come to me and told me the despair he felt at school because he thought he was letting us down if he didn’t go to uni. He’s on medication for his mental health and as a parent I constantly feel like I failed him. Did I push him too hard? Is it my fault he’s struggling now?

Help your child make their own decisions, an education can be gained at any age. I went back to college at 23 and again at 43 to gain extra qualifications - admittedly I’m not a graduate, but I’m happy with my life and how things have turned out.

Your DS is now almost an adult and it's down to him to put in the effort. If he does go to uni you can't be behind him telling him to do his study etc. Maybe he doesn't want to go to uni? Have you assumed most of his life he will or does he actually want to go? There are other options like apprenticeships that many companies do which would give him work experience as well as pay. Uni isn't for everyone and his happiness is more important

@wentworthinmate

My DS now 25 was very bright, did very well at school without trying, AAB at A-Level then went to uni. Because no teachers were nagging, no threat of a detention or getting into trouble for not doing your homework he did bugger all after the initial first year 'excitement' and fairly relaxed pace. Procrastination became his middle name. He stayed for the 3 years and left shortly before finals thus incurring £40k of uni debt and no degree. I am to this day gutted.

What's he doing now? Is he happy?

I genuinely think he’s doing really well. I say this from a pastoral background in education. He’s doing his homework and you say his grades are good. Better to have him happy and doing the work than stressed. With his timetabled week plus homework plus part time job I bet he’s filled more hours than the average full time worker in a week. It’s important students have the study/work/life balance just as much as we do.

Just check in with him and see how he feels about it but also think about if he has a genuine interest in the subjects he’s chosen? Not just because he did well in his GCSEs in that subject, his mates are doing it, or someone else thinks it’s a good idea etc. If you’re enjoying what you do applying yourself doesn’t feel like having to apply yourself the same.
Often the transition to college/sixth form isn’t what they think, they perhaps aren’t learning what they thought and the teaching style may be different and doesn’t always suit the individual student.

All of mine have done this and its so disappointing 😞
No advice unfortunately. I've tried every way I can think of to motivate them but it doesn't work, they have to want it themselves.
I do think covid has had a massive impact and reduced their ability to study properly. It suddenly dawned on me when our youngest flunked his mock A levels, that he'd never done any revision before. He wasn't taught effective revision in school because of covid, and college didn't teach him in year 12 either. It didn't cross my mind before then so I didn't actively help him either. He's got his A levels later this year but has no idea if he still wants to go to uni or not 😔