Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

This was probably me at school, coasted getting top grades until A Levels where I got two Cs and an E. I was absolutely not interested, did no work etc…

I did an apprenticeship, found out what I was interested, did a degree and was earning significantly more than the national average by 25. A Levels are important but definitely aren’t the only thing that matters.

I think you’re right to be concerned. I was bright and coasted, which works for GCSE (I got all As and A*s with very little work) but that just doesn’t cut it for a levels. It has impacted some of the jobs I can apply for as they don’t take less than 3 A grades at a level, so yes it does matter. As someone else suggested can you get one of his teachers to give him a kick up the bum? There is still plenty of time. If he does badly in his mocks that should really be all he needs to tell him he’s not doing enough

Haha - exconstance - I tell my kids the opposite! Interesting philosophies. As long as they try hard, I don’t mind. Obviously when they get bigger they can choose to work hard or not, but being able to push yourself and shift up a gear if they needed it can be helpful.

Bribe with hard cash

Mine aren't teens yet, so I've not been through this - but in my own experience I was always a B student being told I had potential to be an A student. To be honest I was always quite happy achieving what I did. I'm the same now in my career. I work hard enough, do well, get good results and reviews - never a 'star performer' though. I just can't be arsed.

If his current level of effort actually puts his future plans at risk, it might be worth intervention. But if he's doing ok and he's happy, then just leave him to it.

Kids of all ages react better to praise than nagging. Maybe back off, then when he does do some revision, you can jump on this and say ‘that’s great, you’ll see extra effort really pays off. I’m proud of you for putting that effort in. Then no matter your mark, you will know you tried your hardest.’ Or whatever.

And maybe try to inspire him but focussing on his goals. Take him to universities etc? He’ll realise he has more choices if he works hard now.

My son was like this. I had to leave him to it, if I’d pushed him he’d have gone in the opposite direction. He took 3 years out, traveled and took som rubbish jobs.
In October 21 he enrolled at our local uni on a good course and is working really hard - he wouldn’t have if he’d gone straight from school.
The fact that they have to pay their way through uni means they can go at any point in their life.
Try to stay cool, and supportive and fingers crossed with time he will see if he wants a good lifestyle he will need to work for it

Also to add, the extra effort may not pay off, if he's really that bright. I understand A levels have changed a bit, but in my day it was more about targeting the mark scheme than actually thinking. I drove my teachers potty by coming up with correct answers that went too deep, used a different method, or veered in a slightly different direction. Revising for me looked like studying the mark schemes and learning what was expected of me. If I'd put any extra effort on I'd have made the situation worse!

You need to see what the teachers say at parents evening or on the end of year report. If they’re happy there is little you can do. They should be pushing him - mine certainly did.
Any sensible school will think carefully about predicted grades. Most schools tend to inflate them because they know that many unis will give an offer based on the predicted grades and might well be flexible if the end result is only a little lower. If they predict too low, the student might well not get the offers which will not work out well for the school. I’ve discussed this with the head of 6th form at school - I’m a Univ lecturer.
At the end of the day he needs to be able to motivate himself. I can spot students who clearly only worked when their parents piled the pressure on . It doesn’t augur well for their degree performance.

These are all extremely helpful replies and have made me realise the only person who can do this is DS and no amount of encouragement from me will change that. I do like the praise idea though @FiddlefigOnTheRoof and am going to give this a go as he does respond very well when he gets good feedback from teachers. I suppose I need to let go of the dreams I had for him and let him get on with his life his way even though it’s difficult not to try to step in.

I wish I had the answer OP I am in the same situation. But with the benefit of seeing myself not shine in my career thanks to being lazy. I did get an average degree after getting average A Levels and could have been earning so much more straight out of uni if I had just made the effort. But boys/alcohol/mental health got in the way. Nowadays I get top grades in everything, always go the extra mile to the point my kids biggest complaint is that I’m extra (do too much). But it feels as if it’s too little, too late. I have tried incentivising my kids to do an extra hour of work a day, without much success. Also, find something they do enjoy or excel at. The old adage” If it’s fun, it doesn’t seem like work” is true. I say this because the one who excels in one area puts a huge amount of effort in. That discipline and hard work applied to one area can also be of use getting them to work hard in other areas.

Get a grip. They've been through shit the last few years. You say he always does well without too much effort? Well, this will either happen again in which case great, he's got his grades. Or it won't - and it will be a big wake up shock that any amount of mum going on at him could never achieve. If the results are not good enough he can retake. A year out working and travelling (if allowed of course) would do him good and make him more mindful and resilient about going into further education. Let it go. It's his life, he needs to experience it. He's not a kid any more, he's a young man.

If his learning style and working ethic is to "coast" then what's the point in aiming for a course where he'll need to work really really hard for 4 years - when that is clearly not his ambition

You haven't said what it is that he wants to do after school? Are you projecting a career that he has no interest in on him?

Maybe he already has a work life balance sorted!

My mum would have said this about me at this age. She has never quite been able to hide her disappointment that I wasn't what she imagined I'd be. I do fine, got a degree, have a decent job but it's not what was expected.

I may have had 'potential' but all the pressure of being a high achiever wasn't and still isn't for me. I have a comfortable mediocre life and it's fine.

I feel your pain OP. Ds got straight A*s and A's at GCSE with no work and started 4 A levels. Within 2 weeks he wanted to drop out of school as there was too much work and he'd "have to put in effort" Long story short, I nearly had a heart attack over those 2 years, he was constantly wanting to drop out and become a professional gamer or rugby player. Long story short he's in his first year of uni and wants to drop out of that too. Told him last night I'm not going to financially support him unless he gets his act together. It's so incredibly sad, as he's so bright but cannot be bothered. It makes me so angry as ds2 has learning disabilities and works so incredibly hard for bare passes.

Not quite the same but I can sympathise. My 14yo DS is very clever but I home educated him due to his autism. Up until he turned 14 he was always so enthusiastic. He wanted to do well in his studies. He is now at college doing GCSEs and he has that teen apathy. It's frustrating but I remember being exactly the same!

Relax. Two possibilities

He can swim like a duck. You just can't see what's going on under the surface.

He is in moult. No wonder he looks a mess. When his adult feathers grow in, you'll recognise the secret swan.

@bigroundsun

These are all extremely helpful replies and have made me realise the only person who can do this is DS and no amount of encouragement from me will change that. I do like the praise idea though *@FiddlefigOnTheRoof* and am going to give this a go as he does respond very well when he gets good feedback from teachers. I suppose I need to let go of the dreams I had for him and let him get on with his life his way even though it’s difficult not to try to step in.

What are his dreams? What does he want to do?

My mum would have said this about me at this age. She has never quite been able to hide her disappointment that I wasn't what she imagined I'd be. I do fine, got a degree, have a decent job but it's not what was expected.

I was pressured into academics and a degree because of "potential" (school being effortless). However, I was no academic material. So its mediocre paper-lifting jobs for me. I still wonder if I had done better if I had learned a trade instead.

Life is more than academics.

I was pushed to go to university because I was smart and it was totally the wrong path for me. I did graduate, but with a low 2:2 and my degree was honestly a total waste of time.

I now run my own business in a totally unrelated field and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Please don't let your hopes and dreams force him down a path that's not right for him.

@Skeumorph

Something that I think people realise very late is that drive, ambition and levels of basic laziness ARE a key part of 'academic potential'.

It's not necessarily the cleverest academics who get to the top, or those that have the best/most original ideas... it's those who will doggedly put in the hours writing papers etc., those who will slog at it.

You can probably transfer this to pretty much every industry I imagine.

You absolutely cannot influence it at this stage, but what might happen is that when he fails at something (could well be his A-levels) he will realise that he DOES have some of that drive, and will start turning that element of himself around.

In that sense, it's far better to mess up A-levels than swing those but mess up Uni/placement/first job/whatever.

But however you look at it - in terms of achieving 'success', your ability to put in effort, concentrate, work, not be lazy - they are part of your academic ability, not something that just 'affects' it.

Totally agree

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Also, the way things are done in many workplaces, you’re better off with a higher class degree from a less well known/ thought of Uni, than a lower class degree from a Uni where it’s very rigorous.

(Disclaimer - this isn’t me being sour grapes as I got a good class degree!)

I agree with this. As far as most UK and US employers are concerned UK universities comprise Oxbridge and "the rest". If you are not Oxbridge it's the level of your degree that matters, not where it's from.

You mention ‘your dreams’. But in Op- course ‘he’ is interested in. Which is what?

You don’t need ‘super high’ grades for most things.

Also people mature differently. Even as children one sibling is a saver, the other a spender.

He’s unlikely to end up in the streets, so don’t fret.