Feel sad that lazy DS probably isn’t going to reach his academic potential

[bigroundsun]

DS is now 17 and in year 12 so first year of A’levels. He’s always coasted at school achieving very well with minimum effort. He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it.
Now he’s doing A’levels this attitude is really starting to worry me. Any encouragement from me to put in extra effort to ensure he gets the high grades he needs for the university course he’s interested in is pretty much ignored. I know that at his age it’s up to him but I can’t help but feel disappointed. Since he was little I’ve had high hopes for him as he was always so naturally clever, but I feel like he’s throwing it away. Help me get a grip!

A bit of practical advice,
If he thinks he wants to go to uni, find out about any local uni open days and take him along, or drop him there with friends, to listen to the subject talks that he might be interested in. Let him get a feel for it all. Let him realise what he’s working for and towards. It’s for himself, his future and what he wants to do.
Good luck

You don't know how lucky you are. Try watching a child with high intelligence but severe dyslexia and adhd. At 15 he would give his eye teeth to coast through. Forgive me when I say you should count your blessings. What a privilege to have a child who manages without stress.

I have two sons, who both left school as soon as they legally could. Both are very bright, and it almost killed me. Now, twenty years later, BOTH have completed every computer certification that there is. One is a cloud architect and IT supervisor for a MAJOR computer firm, and the other is a free-lancer who designs software for Fortune 500 companies. They did this when they got tired of entry-level jobs with little room for advancement.

What I'm saying is, it may take living below his expectations to shake him out of this, but he can do well in life, even though he does not do as well academically as you had hoped.

YANBU to be upset but as you rightly say, it's his choice. He WILL regret it later on (speaking from experience!) but he can go back to education later if he likes, my husband graduated as a nurse at 47. Stop pushing him, unfortunately the likely to make him worse.

At that age not many are going to listen or respond to 'nagging' from their parents (I know I didn't and was queen coaster) A liked teacher maybe. Sometimes something just clicks and if it doesn't, well, it doesn't. Certainly no point in causing yourself stress and in turn making things a constant battle. Even if he's just doing the bare minimum but still passing well I'd leave it be. The only other route is probably 'incentives' to do better, driving lessons or something else he might want but I'm not sure bribing is any better than nagging 🤣 sorry op

If he wants it, he wouldn't be coasting. My son (now at uni) didn't listen to anything I said and the more I pushed the more he bucked against it. We had a Frank talk about getting the grades for law and he finally admitted he didn't want to study law and wanted to do film studies. He got the right grades and is now on his chosen BA course. Do I think it's a waste, yes, is it my life though...no.

One of ours wasn’t working anything like hard enough to get the predicted grades she needed for the sort of course/uni she wanted.

So I suggested applying after A level results, not before, and having a gap year in between. Pointed out that it’d be very satisfying to prove teachers wrong and that the only one to feel really sick if she got poor grades would be her. (Apart from me and dh of course!)

In her case it did work - she got the necessary grades, and applying afterwards meant that she got 6 unconditional offers.
She spent half the gap year working and saving, and did some travelling afterwards. This was before uni fees were so expensive, though.

@thecombineharvester

Don't pressure him. You'll undermine any internal motivation he does have. And don't worry about him - if he is genuinely clever he can turn things around at any point. You can go to university in your mid-twenties, or you can do a Masters' at a 'fancier' university than your undergrad, if you want to. A-levels are very much NOT the be-all and end-all. I even know people who went into medicine later in life.

The minute he decides he wants to work hard he will do it, and it will probably be when he really sees that there's something in it for him, not to please someone else.

Also - and I don't think this is him - I underachieved/looked like I was coasting due to adhd. But I have a high earning job/career now, a few years after being diagnosed. My point being that you can struggle in your career for a long while but then turn it around at any point, even mid thirties. Education is life long now, it's not all about A Levels and a degree by 21.

EASE UP. This is not positively supporting him - Its undermining him.

He’s well behaved and does homework but that’s it - that's actually pretty good!
Don't think he's not aware of the waves of disappointment and disapproval...Would you like a boss who hovered over you continually saying not good enough? Would you want to confide in them, or discuss your work or your in detail with them, knowing that you would get disappointment vibes?

His homework doesn’t seem to take him long though, although from sneaky looks through his books he’s getting decent marks for it

It sounds like he is settling into sixth form nicely.
Sneaky looks? .. why not ask him in an open way? He's on the cusp of being an adult and he's getting decent marks for his work. A levels are so much pressure.

Effectively you have less than two years left with him before he's free to take off. Don't spoil it!
Please think about finding positive ways to support and encourage him. My DC once said ... all you ever talk about is homework.. and it was an eye opener. Find other conversations to have with him so that he feels he can talk to you as an adult without everything coming back to grades, grades, grades and a general feeling that he's doing well enough.

I am concerned that his teachers will be predicting his university grades based on work he’s doing this year
yes they will and he's keeping up with his homework and getting decent marks!

It all comes down to what he wants to do and you could go on the UCAS website The grade ask for courses changes every year so check before you panic. There are so many options. Especially if he has supporting interests to write about.

His peers will all be doing the same thing and this will be an encouragement to him. But he's still adjusting to sixth form. Next year they will be doing constant practice questions etc.

Will you get a parent teacher meeting this year
Many students do better than predicted and can reapply using their actual grades. Also, while its worth his applying to UCAS when the school is helping him, he can defer if he's not sure or re apply later after a gap year. No point rushing into a course he's not sure of. A few visits to some unis ( with NO nagging) to see a course he likes is a good idea this year while he's got time.
There are also lots of other non uni options to depending on his interests.

Someone who calmly does what is necessary to get "decent" marks is actually someone who could cope well with exam stress and preparation.
Some ruin their chances by being nervous wrecks and they get endless talks about exams at school without having that at home as well. More Often than not they need a break from study and time to relax and that is just as necessary as revising.
Good luck to both you and him and remember to enjoy this time with him.

I don’t believe in laziness, it’s lack of motivation. Sometimes that can be innate, and if so he needs to find something he feels passionate about doing.

I just thought I'd add please don't talk to him openly about your disappointed feelings too often. My parents did this all the time and it was a huge factor in me leaving home at 17. I passed everything I needed and actually undertook further training in a career that I chose for myself!! Whilst working and running a home of my own, I really flourished but because I was the sibling that didn't go to uni (despite the fact my current qualifications are actually equal to and more than my siblings) they really look down on me. Ive had a successful career that I love but in my parents eyes I'm always the one that never 'did it the right way' the one that 'never made it to uni' Such a waste of talent is often still thrown my way at 34 years old. My situation is an extreme example and Im actually NC with my mother now. All I'm saying is keep your disappointed speech low key if it doesn't work out to inspire I'd honestly let it go

As a coasting through school graduate who's never achieved anything in life,I'd be inclined to advice against University unless he really knows what he wants to do in life.

My son was the same. Super intelligent, absolutely lovely but bone idle at school. Drove me mad until I realised he had to motivate himself. Partied through university with inevitable results then, when he left, suddenly got into gear. Now has a great job, a lovely family, kids at private school and a much bigger house than we have. He works hard but has a good work / life balance. As a parent you try to motivate and encourage your children to achieve their potential but actually there comes a time when stepping back is the right approach. Best of luck....

@Puzzlefuzz please start a new conversation thread of your own, each thread's a different conversation

My son’s school had a grade system A to D for attainment and 1 to 4 for effort implying that A1 was what you should aim for. Nothing I said could persuade him the best mark was A1… according to him A4 was the pinnacle of achievement. He also didn’t believe in revision, “ I understood it the first time!” Never had a part time job. He did get to uni with the bare minimum for the uni of his choice, but it was only in his final year he wished he’d worked harder as he missed out on a first. I just had to stand back and let him learn from experience and not dish out cash. What made him grow up? Out in the world, after uni, people asking him what he did for a living seemed to galvanise some sense of ambition. He worked his arse off on a zero hour contract in a field he was passionate about, staying at home at first with an hour’s train commute each way, sometimes leaving at 6am or not arriving home till nearly midnight, moved to London, staying in shared house to work his way up the industry, with huge wage hikes with every job change. He has a WFH contract now in a job he adores and excels in, nearly 5 times his zero hour contract wage 8 years ago. He is an extremely hard worker with very high standards working in a job that stimulates and excites him. As parents it’s hard to stand back when our teens seem to be making mistakes, and there were times I felt I was letting him down, but looking back, it was having the space to make and learn from those mistakes in a safe environment that helped him grow and become independent. I was also very clear about how I would help him out financially…. Free board and food at home Train fares, an interview suit, deposit, initial rent yes……. Nights out, holidays, non essential stuff no….. you had to work for that! Your son’s trajectory to a happy, independent adult life may or may not be by the book or in the timescale you envisage, but it’s more important he has some sense of control over it and an ability to own the consequences.