Threads

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?
296

BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 17/01/2022 08:15

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Seeline · 17/01/2022 08:20

I don't think that YABU, but why did your parent decide to move to that location?

Also as they get older, will your views change? The DCs could be left at home when they are older.

Please
or
to access all these features

Hungry625f · 17/01/2022 08:21

Have they channelled their whingeing into learning to drive and make an effort themselves?

We all have choices in life, they made theirs.

Please
or
to access all these features

GorgonzolaSouffle · 17/01/2022 08:22

Agreed

My brother moved to the South of France and moans no one visits.

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Please
or
to access all these features

DSGR · 17/01/2022 08:22

It should be 50/50? Don’t punish them through their grandchildren just because you don’t like the fact they moved. They have a life too. However, they should learn to drive or take those trains too

Please
or
to access all these features

GoodnightGrandma · 17/01/2022 08:24

Yep, they moved not you.
Imagine how this is going to be when they are old/ill and need help from you.

Please
or
to access all these features

MaizeAmaze · 17/01/2022 08:25

It's not an all or nothing. And a 2 hrs drive each way isn't unachievable. FWIW, my Mum is driving further than that (and it's me who moved) tonight to save my youngest an evening of schlepping his older brother round the place for his monster clash of evening activities. She'll leave first thing tomorrow.
But, yes, we also go to see them.

Please
or
to access all these features

redpandaalert · 17/01/2022 08:26

Only visit in the school holidays - maybe drop the kids off for a few days (and run) so they can spend quality time with them! They really should have thought of this before hand. Problem of them coming to you is they probably would want an overnight stay if it’s that tricky by public transport.

Please
or
to access all these features

Severntrent · 17/01/2022 08:26

Depends how much you want to see them but agree it's much easier for them to visit you if they can stay for a couple of nights.

Please
or
to access all these features

TheYearOfSmallThings · 17/01/2022 08:27

YANBU, and I say that as the one who moved. I have a few friends who moved out of London in the past few years who are disappointed that people don't go to visit them often in their genuinely beautiful new areas. It just isn't easy to carve out the time!

Please
or
to access all these features

AtillatheHun · 17/01/2022 08:28

It’s not punishing them by not going, it’s acknowledging that, at their respective times of life & responsibility, it’s much easier for them to take 4 trains from where they chose to move to than it is for OP to marshall the entire family, cancel obligations and drive 8 hours. She shouldn’t be punished for their choices (my fil did this. He’s moving back where he came from originally after 5 years of realising that being in the middle of nowhere is isolating)

Please
or
to access all these features

ZenNudist · 17/01/2022 08:28

I've said YABU because they are family and 2 hours away isn't far.we live that distance from both sets of parents. It's really not that much hassle to travel every month to 6 wweks to see them. My parents come to us and used to stay over pre covid or we meet in the middle for a walk. My ils live 2.5 hours away and have more space so we go to them. Dc stay with both sets of GPs in the holidays. We sometimes go away together.

If they want to see you when you're in the middle of school and after school busyness then they need to come to you. Its a lot of effort to be hanging around someone else's house whilst they go to football dancing and brownies. You're not going to want them staying on a weeknight are you?

I think they will settle into new life make friends and enjoy it. Don't be annoyed at them. It's a retirement dream to move away.

Please
or
to access all these features

Dumbledoresgirl · 17/01/2022 08:28

Well I think in a loving family, the general desire would be for both sides to take turns in travelling, so no, I don't agree the onus is on the ones who moved.

It is rather sad to see that your parents did not consider this before they moved though. Did they move to a gorgeous part of the country they thought you might like to bring your children to, eg for holidays? Might that be an option? The travelling is less onerous if you are getting a bit of a free holiday from it.

Please
or
to access all these features

Toanewstart22 · 17/01/2022 08:34

Well

In a loving family it would be give and take, compromise and sacrifice on both sides but as each party actively want to see each other… it would work out
Presumably they moved there for good reason?

In any event, this doesn’t sound like a particularly loving set up

So do what works for your immediate family!

Please
or
to access all these features

girlmom21 · 17/01/2022 08:36

YANBU. You have commitments and responsibilities.
You should travel occasionally but they shouldn't have moved somewhere so inaccessible.

Have they looked at coaches?

Please
or
to access all these features

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/01/2022 08:38

Have you asked them what they envisaged visits would be like after they moved?

Please
or
to access all these features

Poundlick · 17/01/2022 08:38

I’ve literally only ever seen this idea that if you’re the one who moves from the home town you’re assumed to generally stay in, on moral grounds alone, you’re the one who needs to trek back to see everyone, regardless of whether they are retired millionaires who like driving/flying or whatever.

Obviously in your case it makes far more sense for your family member to be the one who travels — or at least stop moaning about you not going to them all the time —but I don’t think that The One Who Left Is the One Who Travels is true as some kind of hard and fast rule.

Please
or
to access all these features

MindyStClaire · 17/01/2022 08:38

I voted YABU because I think your general statement is wrong. I moved 2.5 hours away from home when I finished university and moved to be where now DH's job was. I do most of the visiting home, that way I get to see family and friends. But passive aggressive comments about not visiting enough from people with fewer commitments who've only made the trip to me a handful of times in the 15 years I've lived here do piss me off.

It's only a two hour drive. You could go there and back in a day (my mum does longer to us in a day). I agree you don't need to do all the running but presumably you want to maintain a relationship so visiting every couple of months isn't a big ask.

Please
or
to access all these features

Totalwasteofpaper · 17/01/2022 08:39

Say what you said here.

You moved and have 70+ free hours a week.

We work 40+ hours each and have 3 children to run after - they have clubs at weekends.

You need to come to us or we can Skype or call you on portal.

Do they have a portal? If not anf you can afford gift them one then you can turn it back on them that they don't call

Please
or
to access all these features

gobbledygoook · 17/01/2022 08:43

I think it always depends on circumstances, but when they decided to move, they are unable to drive, they have entirely free weeks due to not working then yes the onus is on them. I don't think it's fair to expect you + DP / DC to disrupt routines or plans to drive long distances to see them the majority of the time (maybe every now and then!), I think 90% should be on them. Four hours is a long time to travel, and surely they checked this before deciding to move? Age of DC would also be a factor, not a fun journey with young DC and older DC are maybe unlikely to fancy such a long journey to see GP if they have clubs / friends locally!

Please
or
to access all these features

phishy · 17/01/2022 08:44

Sounds like they know they have made a huge mistake and are taking it out on you.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to make this happen.

Is it even a nice town/village, with things for kids to do?

Please
or
to access all these features

CeilingWax · 17/01/2022 08:45

YANBU. Unless it was for was pressing financial reasons, it’s unfair to move so far and expect everyone else to visit.

Please
or
to access all these features

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 17/01/2022 08:47

My sister moved 4-5 hours away. I understand why and am happy to visit her. That said, it can only happen in the school holidays. She understands that. She also visits me.

Please
or
to access all these features

ineedsun · 17/01/2022 08:47

I have skin in the game here so am presenting a skewed view, but I do think it’s important to see another perspective. (Apologies for any odd grammar, I’ve tried to make it gender neutral for privacy).

My sibling is still cross with our family because we moved away from the town we grew up in. There were good reasons for all of us moving at various times but they still view it as them doing something for us when they visit because it was us that moved. Was over 20 years ago.

Like we should all prioritise their comfort in never moving over the fact that we were all individually very unhappy there (and could never have afforded to live there).

Obviously there are practical issue afoot here but there’s an undercurrent of more general resentment of people who didn’t just stay in the town they grew up / lived in, just to keep someone else happy.

Please
or
to access all these features

MatildaTheCat · 17/01/2022 08:50

My parents moved four hours away admittedly to a lovely part of the country. Thankfully a couple of other family members have also settled there with their families.

The whole visiting thing got much more difficult when one parent became unwell and I needed to go there very frequently. I do admit to feeling resentful. I’ve already told my remaining parent that if they need to go into residential care it will be close to my home ( there are really good reasons for this and they agree).

Buy YANBU, they have to accept the reality of their decision to move away.

Please
or
to access all these features

Eleganz · 17/01/2022 08:52

I think if they keep complaining a proper discussion is warranted where you just lay down the facts. You are working and have kids so your ability to make long trips to see them is not high. They made a decision to move away and so they have to accept that they will see much less of you as a result. If they carry on complaining just state that you've made the situation clear and won't be discussing it further and they will see you when it is convenient for you to travel unless they travel themselves.

Interestingly I've got a number of friends in a similar position whose parents have upped sticks to retire elsewhere and are now realising that they are not seeing a lot of family and have not made too many friends and are a bit lonely and bored. I think some people convince themselves that everything will just work out despite the reality of the situation.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.