If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall.

Not at all! There are parts of Essex, Kent and Suffolk that can be driven comfortably with an hour point to point, but bus means a lot of changes and train has to send you into and out of London, or via Stansted so you have at least 2 hours, a patchy weekend service, and eye-watering prices. The old timetables have reduced because of the pandemic.

The best compromise I found with a big distance between my & parents' locations was to book some long weekends cheaply somewhere between the two, about 3 times a year, and sometimes in a place giving the chance to visit other family for an hour or 2. Often that's a cottage big enough for everyone but whatever works. It's tended to work better than A stays with B or vice versa.

@Ormally

3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall.

Not at all! There are parts of Essex, Kent and Suffolk that can be driven comfortably with an hour point to point, but bus means a lot of changes and train has to send you into and out of London, or via Stansted so you have at least 2 hours, a patchy weekend service, and eye-watering prices. The old timetables have reduced because of the pandemic.

The best compromise I found with a big distance between my & parents' locations was to book some long weekends cheaply somewhere between the two, about 3 times a year, and sometimes in a place giving the chance to visit other family for an hour or 2. Often that's a cottage big enough for everyone but whatever works. It's tended to work better than A stays with B or vice versa.

We live in Brighton and my SIL lives in Kent. The only way to get there without a car is to get the train to Victoria and another one down to Rochester. By the time you get there it's practically time to come home again.

I don't think it's black & white but having said that there are consequences to actions. You can't expect to shift your life around too much to accommodate their choice.

I guess I may have a different perspective from some because as kids we lived about 4 or 5 hours from grandparents and managed to stay in contact and between us, care for them in their old age without any drama. I suppose it’s different if you’ve only ever all lived in the town you grew up in.

Surely it depends on a number of factors. My grandparents are abroad & my mum & aunts/uncles had no issue visiting. They were money & time rich & the journey was actually very short.

3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall.

Nope.
Try Middlesbrough to Liverpool.
About 2.5 hours driving but much longer and at least 3 trains.
The issues often arise when you go from east to west.
North to south is usually OK unless really far as you mentioned.

As for ‘your children don’t ask you to make the life choices you do’ well of course they don’t.

but then if you didn't actually btake your dcs into consideration when making lifestyle changes, you are the worst parent in the worl. How many bthreads on here about hiow ufaor it is to move away from because the dcs are stelled, they will miss their friends etc...? Or because you want to live in the cuntryside and there will be nothing for them to do/in the middle of nowhere etc..?

No our dcs dont ASK us to make specific lifestyle changes but actually you cant separate being a parent and making compromisies for your dcs.

I guess I may have a different perspective from some because as kids we lived about 4 or 5 hours from grandparents and managed to stay in contact and between us, care for them in their old age without any drama. I suppose it’s different if you’ve only ever all lived in the town you grew up in.

They must have been very lucky in the level of support they needed in old age? We lived four hours from my grandparents and it was fine and we had a lovely relationship but it completely fell apart when they got very elderly. There was an awful period where my dad was doing the eight hour round trip in a day every single Saturday and it was still a lot less than they needed. They ended up moving near us.

They should come to you more frequently. They can stay a few days in a Travelodge or Airbnb. They're retired and can make time to get 3 trains to see the grandkids.

@MananaTomorrow

3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall.

Nope.
Try Middlesbrough to Liverpool.
About 2.5 hours driving but much longer and at least 3 trains.
The issues often arise when you go from east to west.
North to south is usually OK unless really far as you mentioned.

Or unless crossing London, then you commonly need to switch mainline stations via tube to get between e.g. Waterloo and Paddington. Thameslink fully crosses the river to go north, but most lines don't.

In answer to your original question @BendyWendyCheesyFeet; if a family member moved then everyone needs to make some kind of effort. But it sounds like your parents (and sibling) want to make zero effort and get you to run around after them. I moved away when l went to university about 20 years and never moved back. The circumstances were never right and now it’s gone in so long then it’s unlikely to ever happen. I I until now have made the majority of the effort but in the last year or so took a step back. I’m sick of the lack of effort by family members, when they come to visit me l need to drop EVERYTHING (even work even if they didn’t discuss the dates they were visiting). In contrast when l go to them, then l need to work around what they’re doing. For every 6 or 7 visits l did to them, they made about 1 back. They have more time and freedom then me but just can’t be bothered (l am also the scapegoat child!)

But with your backstory and the accompanying behaviours before / after the move. Then they are being unreasonable in the way they prioritise themselves, your sibling and your siblings children. While you are left with the scraps that are left and lm guessing are meant to be very helpful / grateful with them. Your parents need to get used to getting trains or learn to drive. If you do with to go see them, then do it in a boundaried way e.g. “we can do the first week of the Easter holidays, we are going to the zoo on the Wednesday but are free on the Monday, Tuesday or Thursday. We could go to X together?”. With no hanging around on standby in case the sibling and grandchildren aren’t available

I have taken a big step back in general with my family and feel way better for it. I’m sick of having to do the shitty jobs, make the effort, have my efforts go unrecognised. Whereas the golden child (my sibling) swans in and out, whilst my mum acts like it’s the 2nd coming

@MananaTomorrow

As for ‘your children don’t ask you to make the life choices you do’ well of course they don’t.

but then if you didn't actually btake your dcs into consideration when making lifestyle changes, you are the worst parent in the worl. How many bthreads on here about hiow ufaor it is to move away from because the dcs are stelled, they will miss their friends etc...? Or because you want to live in the cuntryside and there will be nothing for them to do/in the middle of nowhere etc..?

No our dcs dont ASK us to make specific lifestyle changes but actually you cant separate being a parent and making compromisies for your dcs.

Exactly! But that doesn’t mean that once they’re independent adults, parents should continue to be on call to their kids.

Again, this is not related to the OP where the parents have unreasonable expectations but to all those posts where people are saying that parents should stay in the home town in case at some point they need care.

@HardbackWriter

I guess I may have a different perspective from some because as kids we lived about 4 or 5 hours from grandparents and managed to stay in contact and between us, care for them in their old age without any drama. I suppose it’s different if you’ve only ever all lived in the town you grew up in.

They must have been very lucky in the level of support they needed in old age? We lived four hours from my grandparents and it was fine and we had a lovely relationship but it completely fell apart when they got very elderly. There was an awful period where my dad was doing the eight hour round trip in a day every single Saturday and it was still a lot less than they needed. They ended up moving near us.

A mixture of different needs but it involved us spending a lot of time finding the right care and support where they lived and regular visits. They didn’t want to move and I get didn’t need to move. They were happy there and we were happy to support between us all.

@ineedsun would you have been able to manage that though in the scenario you were an only child, and all the expectations were being placed on you to support despite the distance?

I don't think anyone is saying parents need to stay put in case they need care later on.....but in the scenario where they have moved a significant distance away from adult children, by choice, surely they then need to recognise that to then expect those children to support them practically in old age by visiting more regularly than is really reasonable, and sacrificing their time and money to do so is actually pretty selfish!

I said yabu because I feel it's about seeing them less than them doing the travelling. I agree somewhere nice an hour away from both of you sounds like the best compromise.

but to all those posts where people are saying that parents should stay in the home town in case at some point they need care.

It isn't that. I'm 200 miles away from my home town as it is. It's that if you move somewhere relatively inaccessible, then be sensible and be aware that things change and that at some point, you might want to think about moving back or at least being somewhere easier to get to.

Fine, move away. God knows I have, several times. But that has consequences. I'm far away from family but have made sure that I can drive, am near bus routes and can get to an airport fairly quickly if I need to. My worry is people moving somewhere inaccessible and then bellyaching people don't visit. And whilst it's fine to move around, it's also sensible, as you get older, to think about being near good facilities, whether that's also near family or not.

Well no. In that case they have moved significantly closer to their (preferred) child.
So by that account, they have taken the right decision.

As it is, it has also taken them away from their (not as preferred) child. And they are asking that child to go way over board to come and see them. A complete different issue really.

@SenselessUbiquity

Haha good guess 😉

It's that if you move somewhere relatively inaccessible, then be sensible and be aware that things change and that at some point, you might want to think about moving back or at least being somewhere easier to get to.

Very true. It's also sadly not unusual that you get no warning of the changes that may quickly make life 10 times more difficult - not that this has to be in old age particularly, but that has been one of the catalysts.

When DF needed certain treatment in hospital, both as an outpatient and then on a ward, the specialist unit was in the nearest large city, but was still a 2-bus journey - advice was not to drive himself. The surgery used by my DPs has 2 branches. One was walkable but recent developments have meant they, and medication requests, have been transferred to the second branch as the first has been changed for clinics only. The first appointment booked there, this was not made clear and DM turned up confused at the surgery they expected.

but to all those posts where people are saying that parents should stay in the home town in case at some point they need care.

Surely it's about thinking that wherever you end up has good public transport, hospitals close etc. It's just practical.

A relative had a stroke last year, the appointments & care needed really brought home how important proximity to family & medical facilities was. Life can change in an instant.

It can change in an instant regardless of your age.

I first started it have symptoms of my chronic illness before I was 40yo.
Some people have car accidents etc etc…

It’s not just people in old age who can have health issues sprung onto them.

It can change in an instant regardless of your age.

I don't think anyone has said otherwise but statistically as you age you become more at risk & recovery is harder.

It’s not just people in old age who can have health issues sprung onto them.

Again no one has said otherwise but you see above

@MananaTomorrow

It can change in an instant regardless of your age.

I first started it have symptoms of my chronic illness before I was 40yo.
Some people have car accidents etc etc…

It’s not just people in old age who can have health issues sprung onto them.

It's not exactly the norm to become disabled or housebound in your 40s though, is it? The average 40 year old is in reasonable health, to the extent that their health does not impede their life in anyway.

The same cannot be said for the average 85 year old. Even 'healthy' 85 year olds are usually carrying a number of health conditions and are a lot less mobile than in their younger days.

Oh and if you do visit their area. I would discuss if separately with your sibling and make your own plans. Everything doesn’t need to go through your parents and be approved or declined by them. Just because your parents like it that way, doesn’t mean they should get it that way. It’s not all about them

@dafey

but to all those posts where people are saying that parents should stay in the home town in case at some point they need care.

Surely it's about thinking that wherever you end up has good public transport, hospitals close etc. It's just practical.

I agree with this.

I would also add that being practical also includes thinking about where visitors can stay especially if you are the one who moves away.

At a push people can sleep on the floor/wherever but if no provision is made, guests are going to be less frequent and leave quickly.