If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

Also, I would place a lot of emphasis on the value of your DCs' clubs and activities as one of their ways of building self-esteem and their part in their own community.

Their your parents - don't abandon them. It's true they've moved somewhere inconvenient but you'll regret it is you let the relationship drift because of this.

I speak from a position of experience by the way. My father moved somewhere about 5 hours drive from me. I do not drive (please don't tell me to learn its medical reasons) thus the only way to get to him was a 3 hour train journey followed by a 3 1/2 hour bus journey. I let him and my half siblings slip through my fingers because I found the journey so daunting espcially with the DCs. Sometimes he came to see me but it was perhaps once a year because it was so far. He died a few years ago very suddenly - just after Christmas. I was due to see him on the 28th having managed to organise a lift - night of boxing day he was very ill and by the end of the 27th he was dead.

I deeply regret not seeing more of him - it hurts OP. Don't risk the same

I think for an awful lot of people, having a "home town" is not really a thing. It's just the place you happen to be living at the moment.

I'm always bemused when I tell people my parents live 4 hours away and they ask "who moved away?". Moved away from where? My parents were the last movers, but since I lived with them (at age 18), I've moved 10 times and they've moved 6, many of these moves to different parts of the country.

Same here. I've lived in different towns and cities since leaving home, and my parents have also moved a few times (separately, as they're divorced). Nobody in my family currently lives in either the city I was born in, or the city I grew up in. Parents and children are both allowed to have lives outside their family, and it's not exactly rare for people to have to move for work/jobs.

For visiting, we tend to take turns, depending on what works best on a given occasion. My dad doesn't like driving long distances now he's older, so we tend to visit him more, which is fine. Give and take is what's needed.

It's not your fault that they didn't consider a location that's say one train ride away. I don't think that they should be the only ones who travel but as the people with more time, they should travel more than your family.

Two hours away is nothing. I think you’re being overly dramatic and letting your negative feelings towards your sibling get the better of you. It sounds like your parents (or at least one of them) is desperate to forge a closer relationship with your sibling but from what you’ve written, it’s only ever going to be on your sibling’s terms. Sounds like neither party will be happy with the arrangement long term.

However, I grew up in a manky town in the Midlands so there’s no way, I could ever think of it lovingly as ‘home’ as it was probably the worst place I’ve ever lived and I’m grateful not to have to visit anymore.

We moved to a different country on retirement and both our adult DC happen to now live in London. Grandchildren have since been born and whilst we miss not being able to see them on a frequent basis they can visit us and have lovely holidays with a bit of pampering whenever they want to. We can and do also visit them but we don’t interfere in how they choose to live their lives.

Visit if and when it suits you and leave it at that.

YANBU they were the ones who moved that distance away not you. If they wish to see you more often let them make the effort.

Make it clear that you can't come during term time because of commitments but they are welcome to come to you. Then visit them during every school holiday for a day or an overnight. Four hours round trip is not too bad. My parents moved 8 hours away and expected me to visit once a week!

Yup. A young childfree relative moved to Australia. She seems bemused that aren't desperate to visit with our 2 and 5 year old, including regularly forgetting that the 5 year old is in school and we are not willing to take them out for a holiday.

Relative lives in a small apartment and wouldnt be accommodating us and the flights would be thousands!!

@MaudieandMe if they didn't visit though (or as much as you would like), would you complain, or would you accept it as one of the natural consequences of your choice to move abroad?

I think that's the key thing here - not the move itself, but the refusal of the people who have moved to accept that their choice may mean that others struggle to make the time for travelling / extended visits.

People really often seem to choose retirement locations that work really well for them between the ages of about 60-70/75 with no thought about the fact that'll go in the blink of an eye and then they need a next plan. So many people choose to move to remote, beautiful places that are entirely unsuitable as they age. I think it's because it's so uncomfortable to think about becoming older, less mobile and more dependent that people just don't.

I don’t actually think the above is true. DH and I are in our early 60’s and thinking about retirement properties. We would like to live in say a market town with some amenities but not too far from the countryside. Unfortunately developers seem to only build four bedroom detached properties in these sort of locations. Alternatively they build retirement villages with sky high ground rents and all sorts of conditions on selling.
It’s actually really difficult to find suitable homes to retire to.

I'd go occasionally. We don't travel. I don't agree with travelling far or often for environmental reasons. Other people cannot dictate how far or how often you travel. They wanted to live at the other side of the country. You did not.

YANBU. They moved and you have a lot of commitments. They can take the time to travel. I moved to UK from my country 30 years ago. In general, I go "home" 10 times for each time someone visits me.

So they moved to be closer to the golden child and their kids. I am not surprised your feeling a little raw. Then on top of that they wont visit you and any planned visits with them has to be worked round the golden child.

I wouldnt be bothering but thats me and I am to old now to be dealing with shitty adults ( parents or not)

For me and my DH, there is one parent and one sibling still living in our 'home town', everyone else has moved away for work. We've been in our current location for over a decade now and only one sibling and our one remaining parent has ever visited us - the rest of our siblings have never been to our house. We used to travel up at weekend but now I have a job that includes working weekends the chances of seeing them in the future are dim.

My DD misses them, but I am very resentful of the time and money we've spent trying to keep in contact with no effort from their side, and it has changed my view of some of the people involved. It is so one-sided.

I know a set of grandparents who moved away deliberately so they couldn’t be used for childcare. Was this one of their reasons? They can’t really have it both ways.

@DisforDarkChocolate

Having read your update I'm not sure preserving a relationship is a good thing for your children. They will notice they are second best long before you think they have.

Yes the update sheds more light on what your OP hints at.

I wouldn’t be falling over myself to appease this parent. They’ll let you and your children down time and again.

You're not being unreasonable at all. One branch of our family is in the Bury St Edmonds area of Suffolk. Parents, three adult children and their children all living within and 30-minute drive of each other. The parents decided they wanted to retire to the seaside, knew a couple who lived in Ilfracombe and decided to move there.

Apparently it's supposed to take 5 and a half hours according to the standard satnav route, but from Easter to October at the weekends it's more like an 8-hour journey because of all the traffic going to the west country, with at least two stops for loos and leg stretching. They go for the weekend once every three months, but that's all they're prepared to to — and the grandparents complain. The GPs also downsized to a 2-bed flat, so when their children and grandkids do go there, it's either camp beds and sofas or a B+B.

I think this is quite common, it certainly is in my experience - parents (retired, financially comfortable, time-rich etc) who make no/little effort, but expect their adult children (who work, have kids, committments, responsibilities, no time, little money etc) to make all the effort, and lay on continuous guilt trips.

F*ck that shit.

You can calculate this out logically if you look at what the schedule was before they moved away
For example
Time spent traveling to theirs and who used to go to who's more often and then use the same information to allocate to current situation

For example if they were half an hour away and you used to visit them twice and they would visit you twice in a week.
Since they won't visit you now you just need to allocate the time that you used to spend going to visit them onto your time to see them

That might mean that you can only manage only one visit per month going to see them or one every other month

That will make it fair and wont take anything extra out from your schedule.

With your updates there seems a lot more to this than just not bothering to visit them, I get where you’re coming from I mean it seems they made the choice to move without considering you and your children so why is it your family that has to make all the effort?

I would just go when I liked or had time but remind them when they moan about all the points you’ve made here, seems like they followed their golden child and they don’t have the time for parents even living close so now it’s back to you to make sure they’re entertained. It’s not fair ..

At first I thought you was being unreasonable and life’s too short but no I actually think they’ve made their bed, why should you be the one picking up the pieces.

Yanbu. My parents retired to a holiday destination in the uk, 6 hours drive away for us. Thankfully they don't moan, but we do only see them once a year (if that). We can't drive there any back on a weekend as it's too far, so we need to take time off work to visit, can only do this during school holidays for the kids, which really does cut down and limit the time available to us to visit

I think the point made by PP about considering health issues in the future is very relevant.
My first headmaster, a lovely man, and his wife, remained great friends after I changed jobs, and he had retired. At first, socialising involved driving across London, and the round of socialising continued.
As a child in the war years, he was evacuated to East Anglia, and it was one of the happiest times in his young life. Throughout his teaching career in London, he planned to retire to an idyllic cottage on the coast, and he fulfilled this ambition, leaving his circle of friends, his daughter and her young family in London. Visiting was a trek, but it worked well for quite a while.
Then, as the years advanced, he grew less robust, and seeking medical help became an issue. His wife tried to persuade him to move, but he was reluctant to give up the dream until one of his (relatively) near neighbours had to be taken to the nearest hospital by helicopter.
Eventually, he was persuaded to move to an adapted flat in a cathedral city, near to shops and public transport, and his wife admitted that their social life picked up considerably!

A 4 hour round trip is 2 hours away, not that far. It’s perfectly doable for a day trip. How much is ‘not seeing them enough’? Can they stay with you?

I don't think you're being unreasonable
You have too many commitments to drive to visit them in school term time.

It would be nice to visit them in the holidays if you can. But that distance , I would visit in the big holidays and book a travel lodge. You can do it in a day but it's a long day for children in the car if you do.

Your parent made a choice to relocate so far away. It naturally follows that you wouldn't be able to visit often as you work, children are at school , have friends and clubs at weekends and you'll have lots of other draws on your time. As well as being tired after week of working.

My parents have always lived 3 hours drive away. I moved 25 years ago. My parents travel to me and stay over for a few days and sometimes a week. They organise holidays and pop in on way to and from nearby holiday stays near the coast, because they like me and GDCs!

They are 82/nearly 80 now and thinking of moving closer to live in same town / part of the country as me since Dad is starting to find the drive a bit much. As they say, "verytired you work we don't. We have time to visit. We're happy to see you & DGCs and help out"

They also understand DCs are now teenagers with their own lives, computers and their friends here and that gran and grandads house is a "bit boring"!! Even my mum says they don't want to bake cakes and biscuits with boring old Nan anymore (she gets them to bake a bit with her at my house!) or to go for walks at nature reserve, the DGCs are busy busy - so they love the quiet moments inbetween DCs going out and about. And get to meet boyfriends and friends by visiting us.

I think your parent has been short sighted and maybe will regret moving to be near favourite child who has already said they may move again. I've promised my parents if they move nearer me I will not move out of the area. I'd be so chuffed they were near!!!

2 is hours is very doable. Are they good hosts when you get there?