If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

If they're only in their 60s with lots of free time can they have driving lessons.

I know 2 people who passed their driving test in their 60s.

My parents moved about 2 hours’ drive away, and also didn’t drive. After a visit, I would get a phone call almost the following day - ‘when are you coming to visit again’? It was exhausting with full time working and 5 children.

In my head I vowed to not move myself away from family and expect them to constantly travel to me. In reality, and retired myself now, it doesn’t always work out as you expect it to. My grown up family are quite widely scattered, and my husband and I also moved to a quieter area, and to find a property better suited to our needs as we aged. My husband sadly died a couple of years after moving, but I have made good friends and have an active social life. My family know that they are welcome to visit any time, but I don’t ask them to. They have busy lives, and I would hate them to feel it was their duty. I am perfectly capable of driving, so if invited, I can go to visit them as well.

I sympathise with you OP, as I feel your parents should have weighed up the pros and cons before deciding to settle further away, and they are wrong to expect you to do all the running.

Having been in both scenarios, so to speak, the onus should be on your parents to manage with seeing you much less frequently. I think it’s pretty unrealistic learning to drive after retirement though. I have female friends who never bothered because their partners always drove. Then, if widowed, they are suddenly a bit stuck. My motto was always ‘if you can, you should’.

They have no right to moan about this. I’d shut them up every time. Take the emotion out of it and they have moved somewhere that’s a pain to get to. Their choice.

Yanbu. We have this with my in laws who moved to another country 10+ years ago. They never visit home and get angry that we don't spend £5k visiting each year (we have three children and they don't even have space for us to stay so it's flights and a hotel for us if we go)!

Two hours though isn't a bad drive for a day trip. My parents are 2.5 hours away by car and we take turns to visit, neither of us minds the travelling.

I don't think it should always be on one party to travel, it should be a mix of both.

It might be an annoying journey for your parents but they really do need to make the effort. Maybe you could alternate?

@SarahAndQuack

I don't think, with the exception of co-parents who've split up while children are young, that any family members have the right to an opinion where the others live. It's just one of those things. Yes, it's not on to moan about frequency of visits now it's a longer journey, but it's also not really any of your business to expect them to live near you forever so that you're never inconvenienced.

How on earth would it work out long term, anyway? 'Yes, the year is 2243, and everyone has emigrated to the moon, but son, we must always live here because great-great-great-great-great granny insisted no one should ever leave the village?'

I agree with this.

I admit to being entirely fascinated by how angry a significant minority of posts on this issue, and on emigration, get, the accusations of 'selfishness' and 'stupidity'.

I think it's a deep cultural difference, in part. I'm from a generation of Irish people who just left Ireland automatically for a few years or much longer, because we left school and university in the middle of a major recession, and our choice was leaving or longterm unemployment at home.

It was also entirely normal to go and work in other countries during the university summer vacs to make money to live on during termtime. I don't think I ever came across anyone who thought that leaving was in any way selfish, unreasonable or indeed unusual, again because it's a longstanding cultural norm in a way it's never been in the UK to anywhere near the same extent.

And I think that it remains entirely ordinary to go and live in another country despite more recent prosperity.

I've lived in France, the UK, Spain, the US, the Netherlands and the ME, and am back in Ireland now -- though we will almost certainly live elsewhere again. My siblings have lived in Poland, Greece, the UK, Turkey, Japan, China and Scotland.

I don't necessarily think that the one who moved should automatically be the one who travels but I do think they are the ones who should do most of the accommodating and facilitating.

When we moved abroad we paid for DPiL/DM to visit us roughly every 6 weeks. We also made sure they had a comfortable room to stay in, could leave personal items like toiletries safely so that travel was as easy as possible.

@starfishmummy we haven't moved, we live in our home town near family, so I don't get the point of the question. We wouldn't have moved away from them for the reasons and barriers you stated.

And by the way - we are in the home town. I think that's what feels so odd. Now that my parent lives in my siblings new town, that seems to be the new home town, rather than this place my parent lived for 65 years.

I think for an awful lot of people, having a "home town" is not really a thing. It's just the place you happen to be living at the moment.

I'm always bemused when I tell people my parents live 4 hours away and they ask "who moved away?". Moved away from where? My parents were the last movers, but since I lived with them (at age 18), I've moved 10 times and they've moved 6, many of these moves to different parts of the country.

In light of your recent post, YADNBU OP.
I think think both parties should make an effort to visit if one moves away in general. I would think the stayer would want to see the new area etc, however I would expect the mover to travel more as they get to see family, old locations etc.
In your case, where the parents are moving to benefit the favourite child, I would say f**k ‘em. What’s the betting they want to come back to you when they’re older and favourite child doesn’t want to/ can’t look after them?

Their decision. They didn't do their research before moving (even though they don't drive(. Entirely their choice, entirely their problem.

How often did your sibling visit them when they lived near to you?

Next time they moan they haven't see you I'd want to point out that yes, it isn't a shame they haven't bothered to visit and when are they coming?

@Glitterygreen you are right, I don't think I worded the question correctly at all as they will NOT come see us, they expect only us to travel to them.

@SarahAndQuack @Poundlick It is interesting seeing everyone's different POV on all of this. I don't have an opinion or want to control where anyone lives, but I think to relocate without considering any implications, like how you are going to see people, is odd. To maintain the relationship we had would require us to totally change how we live our lives, no popping by for cups or teas or trips to the park, but having to plan a full day every time we want to see them, and it's only us that has to travel. I feel that's not something we signed up for, that was their decision.

I think that our four hour round trip does sound a lot more achievable than a lot of people's distance in here though. It's one drawback of being able to go and live anywhere we want, leaving people behind. Sometimes you have to if it makes you happier I guess.

@ElegantlyTouched good point! Sibling hardly ever came which is why they moved closer to them! 😂 I will mention that one!

From the title, YABU. From the text, YANBU.

Each situation is too different to say yes or no. We have moved frequently for work & now live 4 hours away from our nearest family. The industry we work in means we have to go to where the work is, and that won’t change.

We spent years spending all of our money & annual leave travelling to see family, rather than having time to ourselves. Now we have DS, we’ve put our foot down & said that people can come to see us half the time. For some people that’s fine, for others they aren’t happy to do that, so we just won’t see them.

@RedskyThisNight

Yeah yours moved a lot, ours didn't, as it says in the quote you copied. So in that case, it is a home town.

Isn't this the reality of Escape To The Country? A lovely (?) rural idyll but the public transport is non existent, the doctor's surgery is 10 miles away and the local shop only sells short dated milk.

YADNBU after reading your updates.
If they won’t come to visit you at all, personally I would visit very rarely. Don’t make it a big deal, just say we came up to you last time, I thought you’d come here this time - you’re always welcome, let me know when is convenient.

Does your sibling visit you often?

I can't understand their logic OP and I could never do that to my two DDs and DGSs. They are, in one case a two hour train journey or one hour drive from me, and certainly the DD with DGSs has little time to come to me as she doesn't drive so if I want to see them I have to fit in with their karate classes and climbing sessions at the weekends. They also go to their other GPs for half term and holidays as they can provide child care and I can't. So I see them all only rarely. Your DPs attitude is very hard to understand.

YANBU, however, I don't think 2 hours away is that bad really. If it was a family member I loved I would make the effort (and have done) but I would also expect the effort to be made back and it also sounds like there's already some strain on your relationship that could be clouding this aswell.

It's fair enough to say you can't do school weeks and if they've got stuff on at the weekends but I would be travelling during the holidays to see them, maybe a couple of times in the Summer.
If they wanted to see the Kids during term time then I would expect them to travel to you.

Although if they do that with the amount of trains etc they might want to stay a few nights, would you be happy for them to do that? As I think it makes a difference if they need to do all those trains there in one day and back again the same day

It’s not just about who moved away but about who has the time and commitments to allow the travel time. I.e. my in-laws come to see us far more than we go to see them even though technically it’s DH who moved away from them when he went to university. They’re retired and have so much more free time than we do.

2 hour drive isn't far at all. You could knock out a visit in half a day! I thought you were going to say they'd emigrated to another country.

However it is very odd that they've moved somewhere like this when they don't drive. If they now expect you to do all the travelling because of this then that's not fair. Don't take on guilt for that.

I had just had my first baby, my sister and I had moved sourh as there is literally nothing in our home town or jobs etc most kids have to move for uni as town is remote. So my mum moved to Australia then around Asia then came back to uk then my kids were 5& 1and lived 400 miles away from us. So she doesn’t complain we don’t visit as it’s 8 hours in the car and kids don’t enjoy it. Now with health issues and older age they feel isolated and fed up especially with covid they are lonely and want to move. Funny that. I’m used to not having them closer tbh I’ve managed fine without so it’ll be odd having them nearby but closer to favoured sibling which is fine by me 😂

I don’t think anyone is obligated to visit anyone, don’t if you don’t want to but parents who want their kids to stay in the backwater towns they’ve moved to and never spread their wings are selfish. Yes they are nice to bring kids up in and it’s nice but I want my kids to travel and move about and experience life. Not be stuck near me out of obligation or guilt!

My parents moved further than that, it’s about 5 hours one way if you’re lucky. I told them it won’t be possible for us to visit often, with our jobs etc. Before they moved, they were really blasé about the distance. Oh, we love driving, once you’re in the car what’s the difference between half an hour and 5? Etc. Now I think they regret it but they can’t stomach another house move. It’s quite sad for me to think about. Like you, I stayed in the hometown area and the in laws are here too so if we moved that would just mean someone else misses out.

YABU. Your own home location isn't the 'default' or centre of everyone else's universe. Someone else's chosen location is just as much home to them as yours is to you. I have relatives in different places and it isn't easy to travel or find a suitable date, but we split the visiting/travel 50-50.

I know you've said you're in a town rather than a city OP, so the following isn't about you, and others may have had a different experience - but I've found Londoners more often turn their nose up at travelling elsewhere in the UK. It's strange as they often think of themselves as well travelled, but their own country apparently doesn't count