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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

296 replies

BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 17/01/2022 08:15

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

OP posts:
JuergenSchwarzwald · 17/01/2022 09:06

I do think it's a bit weird that you'd move somewhere rural with poor public transport if you don't drive. I assume they have medical reasons for not driving?

Even if it's the original location that is poorly served by public transport they should have thought about how they would get to you.

Anyway the onus should not always be on them to come to you, but obviously you are only going to be able to go to them in school holidays.

SarahAndQuack · 17/01/2022 09:06

I don't think, with the exception of co-parents who've split up while children are young, that any family members have the right to an opinion where the others live. It's just one of those things. Yes, it's not on to moan about frequency of visits now it's a longer journey, but it's also not really any of your business to expect them to live near you forever so that you're never inconvenienced.

How on earth would it work out long term, anyway? 'Yes, the year is 2243, and everyone has emigrated to the moon, but son, we must always live here because great-great-great-great-great granny insisted no one should ever leave the village?'

CurtainTroubles · 17/01/2022 09:07

This reply has been deleted

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MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 09:09

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee, I don’t think the onus is on your sister to come and see you because she moved to NZ.

However, reality dictates you can’t do it.
It might be that reality also dictates they can’t do it either.

In which case, the solution is to have regular FaceTime etc… until one of you has that opportunity (and even then it might only be you or her travelling).
But starting form the point for ‘well it’s her loss. I’m not going to make an effort because SHE moved away’ isn’t helping either of you.

MajesticallyAwkward · 17/01/2022 09:12

YANBU, it was their choice to move and they should have considered visiting and transport.

I moved away from where my family live and don't expect anyone to visit us, it's 45-60 minutes drive and we all drive but I happily make the trip regularly to see them. On the other hand my paternal uncle moved to the other end of the country, 10-11 hour round trip and rarely visits, equally we also rarely make the trip to him but there's no expectation either way (and zero chance I'm doing that drive with a toddler) so we call/text to keep in touch.

Wilma55 · 17/01/2022 09:12

You say parent, singular. We're they part of a couple when they moved and circumstances have changed?

GemmaRuby · 17/01/2022 09:12

It should be 50/50 - but that might mean you all see each other a lot less.

MananaTomorrow · 17/01/2022 09:12

I love the assumption that the OP lives in a place that easily accessible and her parents moved in the middle of nowhere with no public transport.

It might well be that the OP lives in a place with little public transport (like the little town where I live) amd they’ve decided to move somewhere bigger, plenty of public transport etc… so they have an easy retirement knowing they don’t drive!!

Also going side ways in the country by train is a nightmare. So that easily explain why the need for many trains etc.. Wo anyone being in a remote place or wo public transport
Anyone tried to go from york to bristol for example?

BooksAndGin · 17/01/2022 09:14

It depends. If they are disabled and moved for more care/support then I would travel to them. If they moved away and are fine to travel I'd expect them to travel to you.

ipswichwitch · 17/01/2022 09:16

JuergenSchwarzwald I agree, but you’d be surprised how many do retire, then move rurally without considering the consequences should they be unable to drive with a piss poor public transport service. Where my DPs live there is quite a community of retirees, at least a third who don’t drive, one bus in and out a day. They went for the quiet countryside life but really didn’t consider how they manage life there. I’m having these conversations with my DPs now, my stepdad can’t drive any more so it’s all falling on DM, who complains bitterly about this and assisting her neighbours who also can’t drive. I’m just 🤷‍♀️ with her now.

Eddielzzard · 17/01/2022 09:17

YANBU. I think your parent feels they made a mistake and is now deflecting the blame onto you. They didn't really think it through did they?

I would also be pissed off.

HardbackWriter · 17/01/2022 09:20

@ipswichwitch

JuergenSchwarzwald I agree, but you’d be surprised how many do retire, then move rurally without considering the consequences should they be unable to drive with a piss poor public transport service. Where my DPs live there is quite a community of retirees, at least a third who don’t drive, one bus in and out a day. They went for the quiet countryside life but really didn’t consider how they manage life there. I’m having these conversations with my DPs now, my stepdad can’t drive any more so it’s all falling on DM, who complains bitterly about this and assisting her neighbours who also can’t drive. I’m just 🤷‍♀️ with her now.
People really often seem to choose retirement locations that work really well for them between the ages of about 60-70/75 with no thought about the fact that'll go in the blink of an eye and then they need a next plan. So many people choose to move to remote, beautiful places that are entirely unsuitable as they age. I think it's because it's so uncomfortable to think about becoming older, less mobile and more dependent that people just don't.
Hellolittlestar · 17/01/2022 09:20

You make it sound as if they’ve emigrated to Australia.

DaisyWaldron · 17/01/2022 09:20

My mum moved abroad and hasn't visited in over a decade, but is cross that I don't visit more.

Spudlet · 17/01/2022 09:22

I am The One Who Moved, in my case away from the horrible town where I grew up. I then met DH and we had a child and now we live about 2.5hrs drive away from my family. There was definitely some resentment from my mum at first - I think she always assumed I’d move ‘home’ at some point whereas I had no intention of ever going back there really. I love my family but I have few good memories of the place where I grew up - it was a tough place to be ‘different’ and I was bullied a lot. Mum clearly felt a bit torn that I’d met someone and planned to make a life where I was. I remember someone here saying that my parents must be proud of me for making a life for myself all alone in a totally new place - hmmm, I don’t think so, or at least that certainly wasn’t the overriding feeling I got!

We tend to travel to them more because we don’t have a spare room - we’ve offered our bed and we sleep on an air bed but they don’t want to. I do sometimes resent that a little bit - it’s been well over a decade now and I still feel like I do most of the running. I’m hoping that now they’re both retired, they’ll come here a bit more often - we’d also like to be able to take them to the places we know here, DS wants them to see his bedroom and so on. But we’ll see if that actually happens or not. Sometimes we try to meet somewhere in the middle for a day out - is that an easier option for you all? National Trust place or something like that?

Basically though, try not to let resentment sour your relationship with them. It nearly did mine and my mum’s, and there’s still a little hint of it there sometimes. FaceTime is a great thing that wasn’t available to former generations, so make use of that too.

Rememberallball · 17/01/2022 09:23

We are the ones who moved 200 miles away from my family (siblings, parents died 4/7 years ago, and DSD who is an adult) and our choice of destination was made so we were closer to be DH family (DSS who has children, DMiL and 3x DH siblings).

We make sure to invite relatives to stay for holidays and travel back a couple of times a year to visit my family/our friends where we used to live. But we don’t expect people to do all the travelling to us!

MajesticallyAwkward · 17/01/2022 09:23

Anyone tried to go from york to bristol for example?

Yes, it's quite easy. You can do it on one train, it's not the cheapest (prices currently around £130 for weekdays).

RedskyThisNight · 17/01/2022 09:25

To be fair, a 4 hour round trip is doable as a day trip.
But, it's probably at a 6-8 week frequency, rather than however much you were seeing them before. I'd decide yourself how frequently you think it's reasonable for you to go and see them, and do it. If they want to see you more, the onus is for them to make visits in the interim.
(my parents moved 4 hours away - on a good day - which is not doable as a day trip. They recently made the statement that they thought they would see more of us as we would come and stay for a few days at a time. We do actually do this, but it's completely different as an experience as popping in for a couple of hours more frequently.)

Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 17/01/2022 09:28

Wow thanks for the feedback and your thoughts here. To answer some questions...

-No we are not taking out our anger on them through the kids. It's just a big upheaval and commitment to try to see this parent regularly during school times and we find it has been less feasible than we ever imagined - we have other family members who we can see multiple of in a day, this member would need a four hour round trip, and potentially and overnight stay and missing clubs for the kids.

  • They have not moved to a nice part of the UK, it's actually a really bizarre place in the middle of nowhere (not beachy or in a beautiful location).
  • They moved to be near their favourite child when they had kids, this left us feeling second best so maybe some bitterness there perhaps as our kids had good relationships with them but it feels like it was just a placeholder for them until the better grandkids were born.
  • We can't just go up whenever we are free, as we have to wait to see if preferred grandkids are available first, and parent doesn't like all to be there at the same time for some reason (I think because it's harder for them to be controlling but perhaps I'm cynical). When we go up there we try to see my sibling, but they are never free!
  • We did highlight all the issues before they moved, but they didn't seem to care. They told us the train links were amazing, it transpires that they were a lot further than we expected and they told me the trains had changed since they moved. I can't find any evidence that this is true.

I do appreciate you sharing your experiences and your advice. I guess I have to swallow that this has happened and make it work for us going forward. I don't want to stay over there, but I will make the effort to go up there for a visit in the holidays. I do feel like it's our children who are suffering through all this and their feeling werent considered when they left, but I'll do my best to help maintain a relationship for their benefit, even if it's not so regular anymore.

I know they won't come and see us ever now, but I'll give them an open invitation if they can be bothered to the train journey outside of term times.

OP posts:
Original poster
BendyWendyCheesyFeet · 17/01/2022 09:32

And by the way - we are in the home town. I think that's what feels so odd. Now that my parent lives in my siblings new town, that seems to be the new home town, rather than this place my parent lived for 65 years.

My sibling only relocated for work, they have said multiple times they might move if an opportunity became up elsewhere, whereas I'd have always stayed here. I feel they will become isolated at some point, and expect us to travel to look after them as my sibling has never had to do that side of it until now and isn't the most giving person in terms of their time.

OP posts:
opalbutterfly · 17/01/2022 09:32

Nice.

I moved away to go to university and as many people do, I ended up staying because I had met my husband and the location was halfway between both of our families.

20 years on and they still complain that I moved away. They are fit, healthy, drive and visit once a year on average and I would never complain but I do feel it has affected our relationship. They travel to various places around the UK for breaks so it’s not that they won’t travel but we’re obviously not high on their list of priorities. I mainly feel sad for my children even though we visit them as often as we can.

TataMamma · 17/01/2022 09:33

I agree they should mostly do the visiting, although mainly because they have the time, but also when they age (and your kids are older too), it will probably be the other way around. I do find it weird they moved somewhere so inaccessible and want to see grandkids regularly. I'd tell them straight either they visit more, or they move someone nearer/easier to travel.
I appreciate they can't drive, but you could still meet up couldn't you? If you drive an hour, and they get 1 or 2 trains to somewhere nice in between? Wouldn't always fit in with kids clubs but maybe DH doesn't go and one of the kids has football match, so it's just you and the others. This will happen more and more when the kids get older anyway.

DisforDarkChocolate · 17/01/2022 09:33

Having read your update I'm not sure preserving a relationship is a good thing for your children. They will notice they are second best long before you think they have.

emmathedilemma · 17/01/2022 09:34

hmm, i see this from both sides.....I am the person who moved away and whilst I tend to be the one who travels back to family it also often requires me to take a days leave (or it's not worth going) and I'd also like my family to come and see where I live so we can do the fun things there are to do together here (I live in a tourist hotspot!). Also, my parents are retired so can come any time and my DB / nephews get long school holidays so I'm getting a bit fed up of always being the one to make the effort to see them.

Comefromaway · 17/01/2022 09:34

It's not fair on your children that they should miss their clubs that they have committed to (and presumably enjoy).

A compromise would be to visit once or twice a year in the school holidays.