If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

@AtillatheHun

It’s not punishing them by not going, it’s acknowledging that, at their respective times of life & responsibility, it’s much easier for them to take 4 trains from where they chose to move to than it is for OP to marshall the entire family, cancel obligations and drive 8 hours. She shouldn’t be punished for their choices (my fil did this. He’s moving back where he came from originally after 5 years of realising that being in the middle of nowhere is isolating)

This

@ineedsun

I have skin in the game here so am presenting a skewed view, but I do think it’s important to see another perspective. (Apologies for any odd grammar, I’ve tried to make it gender neutral for privacy).

My sibling is still cross with our family because we moved away from the town we grew up in. There were good reasons for all of us moving at various times but they still view it as them doing something for us when they visit because it was us that moved. Was over 20 years ago.

Like we should all prioritise their comfort in never moving over the fact that we were all individually very unhappy there (and could never have afforded to live there).

Obviously there are practical issue afoot here but there’s an undercurrent of more general resentment of people who didn’t just stay in the town they grew up / lived in, just to keep someone else happy.

It’s interesting to see your siblings’ rationale explained here — is this what underlies the similar attitude I see so often expressed in Mn, as if moving anywhere at a distance from where you grew up, and especially going to live in another country, is viewed as the ultimate selfish act?

@GorgonzolaSouffle

Agreed

My brother moved to the South of France and moans no one visits.

🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I would visit him in the South of France! I wish one of my relatives would move there!

It kind of sounds like it's far away until I thought that I commute an hour each way to work every day, so it's not really ridiculously unfair or unachievable to do a 2 hour each way drive to visit parents.

Learning to drive may be too late depending on how old your parent is. They could for example get a taxi to a town with a more direct route.

We moved around for dh’s job. Y’ know going where the work is. Never heard the end of it for many years from my mother. ‘I loved my mum so much I would never have moved away’. Except the world changes and not everyone’s line of work is available just around the corner. We used to go and see her and she would come and see us etc. Give and take really.

It sounds as if your parent doesn’t agree in the give and take and is blaming you for their choices. They’ll need to move to somewhere more convenient or put themselves out to see you and be more understanding of your situation.

@Poundlick

I’ve literally only ever seen this idea that if you’re the one who moves from the home town you’re assumed to generally stay in, on moral grounds alone, you’re the one who needs to trek back to see everyone, regardless of whether they are retired millionaires who like driving/flying or whatever.

Obviously in your case it makes far more sense for your family member to be the one who travels — or at least stop moaning about you not going to them all the time —but I don’t think that The One Who Left Is the One Who Travels is true as some kind of hard and fast rule.

I think in practice it's normally going to make more sense for the one that moved to visit if they are literally the one that moved from their family. As a child my extended family on both sides lived in one city, we lived the other end of the country. We did 95% of the visiting because we could go and see my dad's parents and my mum's mum and my uncles, aunties and cousins.

Hmm… in two minds about it.

I am from a family that decided to move away (so my parents and their siblings moved away from where our parents lived. I and all my cousins moved away from where our parents lived. Most of us abroad too).

The reality is that, when people are far away (like a lot families are - due to work, find someone who comes form a different part if the country etc), the only way to make it work is for everyone to make an effort.
The ones who ‘stayed’ don’t have some sort of up a ship over the ones who ‘leaves’. And I don’t believe that it’s only the people who moved away who should make an effort.
There isn’t anything like it’s only the ones who moved away that should travel and make the effort to come and see us.

On the other side, in your specific situation, it sounds like your parent has decided to make NO effort at all. And expecting you to do all the leg work to go and see them.
Assuming you have/are making an effort and havent said ‘Nope, not going to do that trip ever’, then they are massively unreasonable.

One thing that always happens when you move away is that you end up seeing people less. There is no way around that and they have to accept it.
The other is that you have to accept to make the effort to see people, in a way you don’t really need to when people are close. It’s up to them to do that.

Fwiw, my parents decided to move away to our home country after 10+ years in the U.K. this means I only see them once a year. Thanks to the pandemic, they haven’t seen their dgc for 2 years.
They are still part of our life, we FaceTime every week etc…. But I can’t travel more often (time and cost) and they didn’t want to come (elderly, fear if covid and tbh I knew from the start my mum wouldn’t make the trip regardless of the o pandemic). It’s their choice 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.

I can totally see why you are angry. What are their reasons for moving there?

I don’t agree with the idea that just because someone moved away, it’s on them to visit. Like most things, there are many factors that make this variable.

One variable example: I had a 1.5 hour commute minimum pre covid (not round trip) so to me it doesn’t seem too far but for you, if you are used to everything being local including your family, it can seem like a huge amount of time and hard to see how you would fit it in.

Although, if they are the ones moaning, they can be the ones to do something.

My daughter and family live about two hours drive away. We go up for the day very often, staying for between four and six hours. Between November and February they are more likely to visit us, as we are not so keen on driving in the dark as we get older. They will often come on Saturday afternoon (after Saturday morning clubs and activities) and go home Sunday afternoon.

Why don't they drive? How old are they, and are they well? You can't move to a remote place and not drive. I'm afraid as I get older and grumpier I just have no patience with people who don't drive for no good reason. If you live in a city and make life work without it, well alright, but otherwise, no matter what you say, you are in some way or another making yourself inconvenient to others, unless you are loaded and can call cars any time you like with no impact on anyone else.

Where are on earth are they that 2hours driving is 3 or 4 trains?! How bizarre they would move somewhere so unconnected from you without considering that it might make it tricky to get back!

My parents moved away, after being 20 minutes drive away. We do visit them, but probably only 2-3 times a year. Ie. Christmas, Easter, summer. Or maybe a birthday.

They’re entitled to their life choices, but perhaps should have thought about things more thoroughly. Can you get in the habit if FaceTiming them?

@ineedsun

I have skin in the game here so am presenting a skewed view, but I do think it’s important to see another perspective. (Apologies for any odd grammar, I’ve tried to make it gender neutral for privacy).

My sibling is still cross with our family because we moved away from the town we grew up in. There were good reasons for all of us moving at various times but they still view it as them doing something for us when they visit because it was us that moved. Was over 20 years ago.

Like we should all prioritise their comfort in never moving over the fact that we were all individually very unhappy there (and could never have afforded to live there).

Obviously there are practical issue afoot here but there’s an undercurrent of more general resentment of people who didn’t just stay in the town they grew up / lived in, just to keep someone else happy.

I agree.

I have found that a lot on MN and even more in ‘small towns’ where people tend to stay and not move away (and there is less movement if people in general)

There is this idea that you are less than, selfish and maybe even more above your station/forgetting where you come from.
There is certainly the feeling that the person who moved should make the effort because they are ‘coming back home’. Never mind that they’ve moved years ago and t’s not their home anymore iyswim.

It’s very strange to me.

Oh I forgot to add the other thing in my mind about them not driving and living in a remote place: they will at some point need more help, not sure how far off that is in their lives. Will they be planning to move nearer then or are they assuming you will be at their beck and call then? They need to learn to drive to maximise their independence for as long as possible (hopefully many years of that ahead). And then they need to accept that when things are trickier they will have to move back closer.

I don't think it's always the case; sometimes people have to move for jobs/health/education etc.

However, in this situation it's definitely there job to travel if they want to see you.

i cant really vote

why did they move?

i think there should be give and take

Btw, I voted YABU because your question is very general (everyone who moves away should make all the fort to see us) rather than a very specific one to your situation (parents expect us to come but don’t want to make the fort themselves)

I’d also like to understand what is their reasoning for the move because that could make a difference.
Eg they are closer to the other side of the family. That’s where they always wanted to live etc…

My in laws did the opposite and moved much closer to us-because a) they wanted to see the children b) they wanted to develop a life here before they became incapacitated and also so that if they need us for anything we are there quickly

My DPIL moved 3 hrs away upon retirement and it became so much harder to fit in the time to visit around school clubs and work commitments except in the school holidays. But then we missed out on going anywhere else for a holiday (lovely though it was to see them and visit a beautiful part of UK). They also didn't drive and said they were too old to learn so as they aged it fell on us to do the driving to visit as the train was "too expensive" and complicated/tiring for them. Expectations increased when they became more frail, DC had left for uni and it fell to us to arrange their hospital visits, care and help around their home.

I would encourage them to visit you for extended weekends if that's possible (or a local hotel?) and maybe alternate visits with them?

My sister moved to NZ. We can't stay with her so it would cost around 9K for us all to visit. In those circumstances I think the onus is on her to visit if she wants to see us! We didn't get any wealthier because she decide to move. Her OH basically told his kids that we were not visiting because we didn't want to and that we could just save up if we wanted. I consider him a world class arse now. Most people can afford a 2 hr trip though so in that instance I think everyone can visit when they have the time. I find a 2 hr trip one day and 2hr the next hard but I have some joint issues which make it harder to do that long a drive. Before this started it was no problem.

Out of curiosity if you had moved would you Donald the travelling back? Because the same thing about not having time due to the kids clubs would apply.

There isn't a right or wrong in this situation and most people I know where this has happened have reached a happy compromise.

I didn’t get that they are living in a remote place. Just a place that is hard to access form where the OP lives.

If instead of going north/south they moved east/west, then any train journey will be a nightmare and require several train changes.
Plus it might well be the OP who is living in a hard to get place…..

*do all. I have no kdea who Donald is!!

I live 10 hours away from "home" ive Spent an absolute fortune over the years travelling back which is now even more costly with children
But i knew thatd be the case when made the move didnt they realise there would be issues with travel before doing it?