If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

The whole idea of the person who loved being the one to travel is odd to me. It’s not a punishment.
In those situations it should be 50/50 or whoever has the most resources. My parent thinks I should visit more despite having dc, limited funds and no car ( can’t drive medically). She is healthy and 60 with plenty of money yet never visits because I lived away (for work)

My grandparents did this when I was a baby. I was the only grandchild

We used to alternate visits with them but it was frankly a total pain (3 hours on the motorway but could easily turn into a lot more if there was an accident) and I never really got to know them. It was also bloody awful as they got frailer and we were too far away to be able to help.

I don't think anyone is saying parents need to stay put in case they need care later on.

I’m pretty sure that some people are because that’s what prompted my post

I would also add that being practical also includes thinking about where visitors can stay especially if you are the one who moves away.

Yes, that makes sense

You go in the school holidays to see them and give them an open invite to yours. If they come great, if not oh well. You don't go over for the odd weekend or that will set a precedent, just school holidays. If they end up needing help with drs or hospital appointments the favoured sibling will have to take them or they aquaint themselves with the local bus or taxi service. They have every right to move away as anyone does but they can't hold you to the same expectations as when they lived close by and I would be clear in stating that. Tbh the relationship sound less than ideal so I would be wanting to limit contact anyway but that is your perrogative.

The whole idea of the person who loved being the one to travel is odd to me. It’s not a punishment.

No, it's not a punishment. But, depending on distance and personal circumstance, it can be a hell of a faff. My parents moved to another country, a short flight away or around 8 hours by train. That doesn't allow for the time spend doing change overs, getting to the airport etc. So is it a punishment visiting them? Of course not. But they're too far away for a long weekend. So every visit means using up annual leave, or since I'm now self employed, it means taking a drop in earnings.

And to start with it's okay. But after twenty years these things do become something of a ball ache. Sure, people have every right to move. But you do leave people with the choice of either not seeing you very much, or making various sacrifices when they do go and see you.

@ineedsun
My grandparents moved 5+ hours away. they had a great life there and I doubt they’d regret their choice.

For us though, supporting them in the extreme of their old age through frailty and dementia, it was horrible. It wasn’t as simple as arranging the right level of support because they were proud and in denial of the help they needed so they’d resist it. They stayed at home until the end as per their wishes but it put immense strain on my parents keeping them there. The drama wasn’t really a choice. It would have been a million times easier if they were even two hours away.

I’m not saying people should give up on their own lives and obediently follow their kids around, certainly not. And your kids might do what the rest of my family did and stand back and not provide any support at all. But the practicality is worth thinking about.

The drama wasn’t really a choice. It would have been a million times easier if they were even two hours away.

Yeah, this rubbed me up the wrong way - we didn't 'make drama' about it being really hard work to support my grandparents from four hours away. It just was really hard work, and nearly destroyed my dad for a period - and my grandparents were pretty oblivious to the toll it took on everyone else. Lucky you that it was all easy and straightforward but we weren't making a fuss about nothing.

@MananaTomorrow

3 or 4 trains would suggest OP lives in Inverness and her parents moved to the arse end of Cornwall.

Nope.
Try Middlesbrough to Liverpool.
About 2.5 hours driving but much longer and at least 3 trains.
The issues often arise when you go from east to west.
North to south is usually OK unless really far as you mentioned.

No it doesn't. My parents live in east anglia as do I.

To drive to their is 1.5 hours.

On public transport door to door is 3hrs - 2 trains and a bus.

Public transport to there is just crap.

I would visit bit not every week, or even once a month. At your stage if life, maybe once every six or eight weeks?

Do you all need to go, could you visit yourself without your partner or children, even every second visit ?

@BriansTail

We live in East Anglia - my folks are in the East Mids. We can drive there in around 2.5 hours. If we took the train, it’s 3 trains and it would take 6 or 7 hours… it’s a disgrace, honestly.

LOL I did laugh at the person who has no idea how trains work in this country! If only all towns were linked to the towns near them by direct train, life would be pretty easy!

Unfortunately, aside from London, this is rarely the case. In our case it is West to East, and to meet in the middle by public transport we are better off travelling South (rather than towards each other) to a town on route to London.

I have suggested the idea for the next half term and she is going to think about in, based on when the other GCs are available 🙄

Oh OP - message her again, say that you will be making half term plans so she needs to confirm which day/s works for her and you'll book in a visit. If she can't, you will be making other plans and will let her know which days you have left but you won't hold the whole week until she knows which days other grandchild is free.

My sister lives a 4 hour drive away and as she doesn't have room for us all to stay we would have to pay to go and see her. I don't want to use my holiday time or money budget on going somewhere over and over just because she likes it there. Plus there is only one of her and we have ample space for her so in our situation it is easier for her to come here.

@Grapewrath

The whole idea of the person who loved being the one to travel is odd to me. It’s not a punishment. In those situations it should be 50/50 or whoever has the most resources. My parent thinks I should visit more despite having dc, limited funds and no car ( can’t drive medically). She is healthy and 60 with plenty of money yet never visits because I lived away (for work)

I don't think it's about punishment. For me the issue is that you should not assume that others have the time or money or other resources to make long journeys and potentially expensive stays. If your decision to move is based on that, you need to ask people whether this will be possible.

If you choose to move a long way away, unless you have very little sense you will have thought about the travel involved in seeing loved ones and will have decided that you are happy (enough) to undertake that. You do not get to say the same for your loved ones. Hence it is more likely than not that the person who moved will be doing more of the travelling.

For me this is not so relevant for a 2 hr journey but it is all relative to your disposable income. As I said early, my sister moved to the other side of the world and then thinks we should visit even though it will cost 8K. For me the £100 for a 4-hr round trip is very doable. For others it's as out of reach as 8K.

If your mum has the ability to visit and is choosing not to, that's different.

Just another perspective, but sometimes to me 'you should come and visit more' is just something I say to be polite? It might be that they are using this to cover up the guilt they feel at moving away?

Also, that kind of distance makes for quality visits, where you put aside time to properly socialise, rather than the humdrum can-you-get-the-kids-Tuesday, I-need-such-and-such -if-you're-popping-to-Asda type visits which tends to be the bread and butter of your contact with family when you're all in the same town. It might end up that you actually enjoy the time together more in the end.

Don't know if you are being unreasonable I live within 3 hours of my DC'S which is doable, my brother who lives in Colorado is a FIVE day drive from his DD, I no longer moan at a the 3 hour drive

Just another perspective, but sometimes to me 'you should come and visit more' is just something I say to be polite? It might be that they are using this to cover up the guilt they feel at moving away?

Totally agree with Barbie on this one. I moved to the other side of the world, much to the horror of my family, who think that "abroad" is a big scary place where people do strange and terrible things.

I often tell my mother she should come and visit, we'd love to see her etc. I know she isn't coming. She never will. But it's just something I say so that she knows she's welcome in my home and that I do miss her and think of her. I don't expect her to actually take me up on the offer because I know she hates traveling and disapproves of me moving far away so would see her visit as her condoning my decision to leave the "hometown". But pretty much every time we speak, I'll say you should visit. It gets mixed in with I love, speak soon etc.

I've never considered that she might take this to heart and feel pressured by it. Certainly given me something to think on.

There is a big difference between "We'd love to see more of you, you are always welcome to come and visit" and " You should come and visit/visit more"

One puts pressure on, the other doesn't.

When we moved abroad we paid for the flights for DM/DPiL to visit every few weeks. This worked in two ways:

1. The visits weren't costly for DM/DPiL to travel (not too far from the airports at either end plus excellent public transport at our end)
2. I could get the timing right so that they would travel mid week to mid week. This meant we had one full weekend rather than two half weekends. Also I knew when they were arriving and, more importantly, when they were leaving.

Them coming to us was less of a logistical challenge than us going to them as both had small homes and we are a family of 5. We could squash in for short stays but anything longer than a couple of nights and we would all start getting fractious.

@MargosKaftan

Oh OP - message her again, say that you will be making half term plans so she needs to confirm which day/s works for her and you'll book in a visit. If she can't, you will be making other plans and will let her know which days you have left but you won't hold the whole week until she knows which days other grandchild is free.

This

Your children are just as important as the other grandchildren. Don’t let them be treated as second best.

As advised by others, message again and say you want to make plans so can they please confirm if this works or not. If they can’t confirm then regrettably you will have to make other plans, but they are always welcome to visit. Then the ball is in their court.