If a family member moves away - are you obliged to travel to them?

[BendyWendyCheesyFeet]

Parent decided to relocate to another part of the country, a four hour round trip away instead of being in the same town. They can't drive, and they have since realised it's 3 or 4 trains away and a lot of travelling to get to us.

They have complained that we don't see them often enough anymore, but we have three kids in school with clubs at the weekends and it's an absolute nightmare to fit in. Meanwhile they are retired and have no commitments.

I also feel angry that they moved to a really inaccessible location in the first place and just expect us to upheave our family to see them, when they used to have us on their doorstep.

AIBU to say that if you decide to move away from your family, the onness should be on you to go see them the majority of the time.

Surely they should have thought about this before moving away?

They made their choice, they should live with the consequences. You don't have to change your life for them...

@GemmaRuby

Thank you. We will go visit them, and we have already tried to make plans to meet them in a central location for a day out. That is how this conversation came about as they want us to go all the way. But you're right once we have visited them next we will return the invitation and see if they can be bothered.

Sibling last came here in 2018. They are not generous with their time IMO and have often cited the journey as being too long for them! We used to visit them multiple times a year before lockdown.

Thank you for understanding and for your advice.

I do think that “the world is your oyster” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and the reality hits you hard when you have a baby and your family is hundreds of miles away.

I think both sides just have to accept that long distances are involved and relationships will clearly not be the same as if you live in the same town.
None of my siblings, or DH's, or our parents stayed in our 'home' town ... no one is left there now ... we are all scattered around the country. It's just the way it is and I think, has given us all better opportunities in life, and the ability to make new friendships and relationships. It means that we don't really see each other that much .... my DPs did eventually move near us when they reached their 80s, they accepted that was the 'sensible' thing to do.

I don’t think anyone is obliged to travel to see anyone, but I guess it depends whether you actually want to see them or not. My in laws moved abroad… we have no obligations to visit, but we do because we love them and enjoy their company. It sounds like you’re not bothered about spending time with them, in which case you have no obligation to.

I think the distance, where they've moved to, location etc are all irrelevant

The point is you feel your kids are second best to the golden child sibling.

You have wait to find out whether your siblings children will be seeing your parent before you can arrange anything.

Your parent doesn't want you and your sibling and grandkids there at the same time.

Your sibling won't see you.

These are the relevant points. I would ease off. Don't beat yourself up, schlep your kids around and make your life difficult for someone who has made it clear you and your family are not their priority.

I would go low contact. If only because your kids will pick up on this inferiority. It's not healthy for them to know they're second best.

But sorry it sounds like you have a thoroughly shit family. I'd enjoy the space you don't have your toxic family living nearby any more!

When you say 4 hour round trip - this is 2 hours each way in the car?

Tbh i think YABU to not visit at that distance. It's 1:45 to my ILs and that's more than doable in a day. Go in the morning. Make it clear to ILs that they need to do lunch. Spend the day with them. Get kids bathed there and fed for dinner and then drive home. They fall asleep in the car and can go straight to bed when they get home.

If it's 4 hours each way then that's completely different!

Honestly you're still annoyed they moved closer to your sibling and you're using that to make excuses not to visit. You need to work out how to deal with it. Stop pretending it's about anything else.

A 4hr round trip is nothing and missing a DCs' club occasionally is nothing too. Perhaps I'm overly sensitive because our DC lost their last GP last year. Whining about not being the favourite sibling and a 4 hrs drive; and prioritising clubs over a relationship with GPs looks pretty petty from here.

Similar issues here. DM moved about 4/5 hours away from our hometown to live near DB and his young family. For the first year or two, I had more free time, so I used to visit every few months, now I have weekend commitments and animals, so it's trickier.

Her idea was that she would come back once a year to see me and other family and friends, she's done it once in 5 years, and then decided she doesn't like the drive and she's not doing it again. Will not take public transport, will not meet me for a day out somewhere halfway. But she regularly moans about how she doesn't see enough of me, how DB and family aren't' supportive enough with helping her as she gets older, and how it would be much better if I moved near her etc etc.

Years ago, when I moved about 3 hours away for Uni and stayed in my Uni town for about 10 years afterwards, she never ever visited and I was expected to come back home to see her. And she was younger then than I am now, so it isn't an age thing!

My SIL moved to Oz and used to come home every 2-3 years. When she came, the PIL would often help pay for flights, there was room for her to stay with them and they lent her a car so her vists usually cost very little.
For us to go there were would have to pay for 4 flights, rent somewhere to stay and hire a car. I worked out the cost once and it was so far out of our budget it was funny.
She remains cross we've never been to see her. I don't think we ever will until the kids have left home.

I moved three hours away from my family on my twenties because I was utterly miserable where they lived and it was the best decision I've made. People shouldn't be punished for pursuing what is going to make them happy, or going where there is better job prospects or oppurtunities if they are stuck in a dead end where they are. I know they are retired and this is not that situation exactly but people should be able to pursue their dreams.
I think it depends on what you have going on in your life. When I first moved I did all the visiting mainly as I was single and child free. Now I have toddlers we don't make the journey that often as it's such hard work the age they are, my parents probably visit a bit more often and we don't see extended family very much. We do meet people half way every now and again though, could you do that? And two hours each way isn't yoo bad if you share the driving. You will just have to tell thèm about everything you have going on and that you can only visit /meet up in school holidays every however many weeks and they need to come to you as well regardless of how long it takes, as being retired they do have time.

[quote MananaTomorrow]@Whatiswrongwithmyknee, I don’t think the onus is on your sister to come and see you because she moved to NZ.

However, reality dictates you can’t do it.
It might be that reality also dictates they can’t do it either.

In which case, the solution is to have regular FaceTime etc… until one of you has that opportunity (and even then it might only be you or her travelling).
But starting form the point for ‘well it’s her loss. I’m not going to make an effort because SHE moved away’ isn’t helping either of you.[/quote]
They can do it and they have. They are much wealthier than us.

We do try and do zoom but it is hard to find a time when everyone is awake. It's not really a solution TBH as it's nothing like actually seeing people. her choice though. I wasn't at all starting from the position that 'I'm not going to make an effort' and never said so. Just that it was horrid of her OH to suggest to the kids that the reason we're not visiting is because we don't want to when to get the 9K together to do so is something beyond most people. Fine for them to move, fine for them to hope we will visit. Not fine to lead their children to believe that we cba to see them. I can't go on my own btw as can't leave my OH to care for the kids on his own for that long. I also can't travel that far on my own due to health needs. Other sister and I wondered whether once the kids no longer need any day to day support (so we can leave for a longer time) maybe we'll do it together. Will also mean - I hope! - that we can afford it as we'll not be spending 100's every month on the kids!

In my head I vowed to not move myself away from family and expect them to constantly travel to me. In reality, and retired myself now, it doesn’t always work out as you expect it to

I think what you're describing is different though. You're not saying people shouldn't move, just that if they do they should not expect people to travel to them - nice if they can and choose to do so though. I think for the OP it is the expectation which is the biggest problem.

My Outlaws moved to a crappy part of Wiltshire from Ealing, it's a 2hour plus drive for us as we take our dog and he needs a stop or two as he gets a bit stressed. When we do get there the tv is on full blast, so we have to shout over it, my MIL will go on her Ipad and gets the royal arse because my FIL loves our dog and our dog adores him

Planning to move to Kent and I've told the Husband already that I'm not doing the drive there and back in a day and definitely not staying, so the next time I see them will probably be the last time and we're fine with that, I would never stop him seeing his parents and I'm quite happy to have the dog if he wants to stay.

When they moved they expected everyone to visit they were in their 80's, both quite capable of making a journey and booking a hotel knowing that I would take them where ever they wanted to go for the duration of their visit but they never made the effort and MIL got quite aggrieved when hardly anyone visited

In my opinion you have to be prepared to accept the fact that not a lot of people will have the spare time or the cash due to rising fuel prices to visit.

Make the effort to visit them once or twice a year and perhaps meet halfway at one of the train interchange stations make it less of a journey for all involved.
It's about making an effort so your kids have a relationship with them, what's the point in being bitter about them moving, you don't have to stay in your "home town."

My in-laws lived 2.5 hours away so to me, travelling to see them with babies/toddlers/kids/teens was a norm and not an issue. We are the ones that moved and they came to visit us as well, so I suppose resentment didn't come into it.

However, my mum, in her mid to late 70s, moved 5-6 hours away. To a tiny rural hamlet with no public transport and that got snowed in every winter. She wasn't bothered about leaving us and her grandkids, and in the year she was there, she didn't visit us and we didn't visit her. A 12 hour return journey with nowhere to stay just wasn't an option. A year later she had a massive disabling stroke. We had no option but to have her brought back to her home area for nursing care, but she was furious. I don't know how she thought we could possibly support her care from six hours away.

2 hours is no big deal.

In your shoes I’d probably do one visit each school holiday, when maybe there aren’t so many weekend commitments. for a day or staying overnight depending on how much you like them!

@RedskyThisNight

And by the way - we are in the home town. I think that's what feels so odd. Now that my parent lives in my siblings new town, that seems to be the new home town, rather than this place my parent lived for 65 years.

I think for an awful lot of people, having a "home town" is not really a thing. It's just the place you happen to be living at the moment.

I'm always bemused when I tell people my parents live 4 hours away and they ask "who moved away?". Moved away from where? My parents were the last movers, but since I lived with them (at age 18), I've moved 10 times and they've moved 6, many of these moves to different parts of the country.

Yes, exactly -- the 'who was it who moved?' question that comes up on here so often fascinates me, because it's so alien to me as a way of approaching the issue of seeing family who don't live close by.

to relocate without considering any implications, like how you are going to see people, is odd. To maintain the relationship we had would require us to totally change how we live our lives, no popping by for cups or teas or trips to the park, but having to plan a full day every time we want to see them, and it's only us that has to travel. I feel that's not something we signed up for, that was their decision.

Look, obviously the onus shouldn't be on you to be the ones who always travel, @BendyWendyCheesyFeet (utterly revolting username, by the way! ) but it's the rest of the bit I quoted that interests me, again because it feels culturally 'other' -- I suppose it seems to me quite strange to expect that someone else would base their decision on where to live on whether a family member felt it was more convenient for them to stay where they were so they could pop in.

Given your regular weekend commitments, I'd expect you to arrange to see them in school holidays, half terms etc. So you need to plan ahead and all be able to commit to dates, probably for overnight visits.

Days out half way between you could work well too.

I consider it normal for people to move all over the place, so don't see the 'home town' connection as necessarily trumping any other location. But retired grandparents do have choices and they've made one.

Maintaining a relationship can easily be done with 3 or 4 face to face meetings a year and regular video calls. Do what works for you.

Do not get into a habit of 'putting yourself out' in order to have your feelings trampled over. Your DC will feel that discomfort and rejection too and teaching them to ignore their own feelings, in favour of those of domineering selfish people, is not a healthy life lesson for them.

Missing DC's clubs and activities may be nothing to you, but that doesn't mean it is to OP. I prioritise my children over my parents, so definitely wouldn't be insisting they miss out on weekend activities they enjoy to visit grandparents who have chosen to move away.

If the GPs want to maintain a close relationship, the onus really is on them to do so, and it doesn't sound like they are that bothered, so I fail to see any way in which the OP is unreasonable.

I think anyone can move anywhere, and absolutely should if that will make them happy, if that's the other end of the country, or even abroad.

What the person who moved cannot then do though, is insist that everyone else has to make the effort to visit them and get the hump if they don't!

I don't necessarily think there's one clear cut stance. It all depends on circumstances.

If my parents moved 2 hours away, then yes I would visit but with work and 4 DC with clubs and school and lives, they would have to accept that it wouldn't be as often as living down the road and if they wanted to see us then they would have to come to us.

It absolutely would be their decision where to move to but they couldn't then complain that we weren't visiting enough.

Some people have to move when they meet someone who lives elsewhere or work etc but I would be annoyed if my parents decided to for no particular reason and then shamed me for not having time.

I think I'd say that you are happy to visit but only in the holidays as you have other commitments. Christmas, Easter, October and a few times in summer. If they do term time visits then you can see them monthlyish which sounds about right to me facetime etc. inbetween.

I'd make it clear (in a nice way) that that they need to put plans in place for practical help with care should they need as you will obviously be unable to be there. That way when it comes around there will be less expectation on you.

My in laws moved 150 miles away (about a 5 hour round trip) a couple of years ago. DH and DSIL and our families live reasonably near each other (in neighbouring counties about 40 mins apart).

They get the hump when we don’t visit often enough but we all work and the kids have extra curricular stuff going on and ILs are retired and have nothing going on.

It shouldn’t matter that they chose to move away and I try not to focus on that but the fact is they DID choose to move away. They never visit us and we didn’t make a lifestyle choice to be doing a 300 mile round trip regularly.