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Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below
239

Shawaddywaddeee · 17/01/2022 00:38

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

OP's posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

harper30 · 17/01/2022 00:41

You poor thing, I haven't got much useful input and someone wiser will come along but I wanted to give you a hand hold.
When you were 18 and pregnant what did you want from your mum? Do you think she expects you to be very hands on?

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harper30 · 17/01/2022 00:42

I'm sorry you've lost your mum as well this must all be way too much to deal with xx

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MoonlightFancy · 17/01/2022 00:43

I’m so sorry for your loss, and the shock of this news too. I can understand that you are concerned for your daughter and yourself too.

What does your daughter do at the moment?

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MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 17/01/2022 00:44

Ahh I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. You know you don’t have to let her and the baby live with you? It mightn’t be the easiest thing but she isn’t 15, she’s 19 and capable of looking after herself. I had my first at 19, I moved out of home and I got on with it. You don’t have to be live in granny.

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2022 00:45

You are not a bad mother for laying down hard boundaries. Your daughter got herself into this position, she has to deal with it. I would be telling her very clearly that you will not be raising another baby. You will love your grandchild, but you will not be the baby's carer, and you simply can not afford to pay for their keeping.

I would be making sure that your daughter doesn't have any inflated expectations from you right from the start.

I'm so sorry about your mum.

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Blinkinname · 17/01/2022 00:48

I'm so sorry op. I don't really have any advice but I got pregnant at 17 and really didn't know what to do. My mum though made it clear though that living with her would not be an option (not in a cruel way) and that I should look into help and support and benefits - of which there was almost fuck all even 20 years ago. She also made it clear abortion was a decent choice and gently encouraged me towards. I'm so glad she did. I had a termination and have never once regretted it

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Flickflak · 17/01/2022 00:56

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

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Daydreamsinsantafe · 17/01/2022 00:59

I really feel for you. There’s the same issue between my DD and me and I’d be recasted. My circumstances differ to yours in that her father and I are married & not struggling financially but even so we would be truly devastated.
It’s just bit what you want for your child. Even having a ‘good’ outcome to my teenage pregnancy I still look back & feel sorry for myself. I missed out on so much. Now my DD lives the life of Riley & has no clue how much responsibility I had at her age.

That said, I would get past the shock & eventually come to terms with it as you will.
She is old enough to claim benefits so she’ll have to do that & that would allow you to get rid of your lodger. DD would essentially take over that payment.
Re the laziness etc. I was disgustingly lazy when I got pregnant. Would wash one fork to eat rather than do it all. So so useless but my DD was born & I was an incredible mother. I’m still very proud of the way she was raised.

If your mum was here I think she might remind you of how well you did despite all the challenges and that your DD will likely do the same. I’m sure she’ll be a far better mother than you can see in her right now.

Also, losing your mum is a huge shift. In my experience losing a parent is like a jolt into the reality of really not being a child anymore. The last step into adulthood if you will. I felt lost & very vulnerable. Having a grandchild is yet again another huge shift so that’s two major life events at the same time. No wonder you feel terrible.
I hope you have someone you can speak to.

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Doggydarling · 17/01/2022 01:00

Is your daughter thinking this is going to be easy? That she'll stay living with you, you'll help raise the child and she'll exist on benefits and hopefully be housed eventually? You've mentioned that she's lazy so that's why I've asked. Sit down and explain she needs to start flat hunting right now, she will need a job and a childminder and that's not going to be you. You are so young yourself and you've done your stint struggling, it's time for things to get easier not more difficult. Tell her to get move on moving out whether she keeps goes through with the pregnancy or not,if she's not bringing something to the table she finds a different table.

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Daydreamsinsantafe · 17/01/2022 01:02

Autocorrect!!!

Same age difference
I’d be devastated

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Viviennemary · 17/01/2022 01:05

Tell her she needs to find her own accommodation for herself and the baby. You are already stretched to the limit. You don't need this.

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FeckTheMagicDragon · 17/01/2022 01:06

I too got pregnant at 18. My mum despaired! I stayed at home until the baby was about 3 months old, and did ever for her myself. I moved out (my own decision) then and moved into a small flat. Then I moved to the UK. Got my own rented house, went back to uni when he started school.

I’ll be honest, being responsible for a child was the making of me. It may well be the making of your daughter.

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yellowtwo · 17/01/2022 01:07

So sorry about your Mam, RIP.
I think PPs are right about being clear you won't be taking over with care for the baby.
Ask her what her plans are for money, for housing.
It's very easy to be excited about pregnancy, but the realities of having a baby is a different ball game. YANBU to be upset, it's a very difficult situation.

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christingle2 · 17/01/2022 01:07

Not to be rude but raising this child is her problem, not yours. If you find it overwhelming, you don’t have to have them under your roof. It’s not your decision whether she has this child or not, but you can give her practical advice eg advise her to check what benefits she is entitled to and look at private rentals with her and help her draft a cv etc. I mean, you’re already tightly stretched as it is

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Danikm151 · 17/01/2022 01:10

Explain that you will not be the child’s mother, she will. She needs to make a plan and stick to it.
She wants to stay for the first few months? Does she realise how hard it is to find a place to live? Especially as with some councils she won’t be considered for a 2 bed until the child is over 2- some it’s 5!

Benefits- they aren’t a walk in the park.

Good luck.

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Breastfeedingworries · 17/01/2022 01:12

I would gently encourage abortion, get some leaflets from the doctors. Sit down with her and really explain how you’ve struggled and felt alone over the years. Really go into details about how hard parenting is, especially on your own. The sleepless nights.
How you can’t see friends, how often you lose them because you can’t go out, go on holidays, see new places.
Have boyfriends, how she will be alone and feel alone a lot of the time. I’m so thankful my mum really drummed it into me. I was broody from a very young age but all of her thoughts didn’t leave my mind for along time. Luckily she caught me before I got pregnant but hopefully you can help your dd.

I have a dd now (not with dds dad which isn’t how I thought life would turn out but ah well) I’m glad I got pregnant at 29, a very decent age after travelling and having a job and my life.

My friend had a child young at 21 and she massively regrets it, she isn’t even close to him. He lives with her mum and has more of a parent child relationship to her. At an older age I think a lot of people also make better choices, and are often able to be better parents. (No offence is meant with this) my friend went on to have another child and she’s night and day. With the first she was desperate to get away from him, so she could go out and live her life, with a second she attends baby groups breast fed, she has a lot of guilt over there different childhoods. Anyway this is all worth mentioning to your dd.

Best of luck op, I really hope you can get through to her. You’ve helped me plan for future talks with my dd. My mum took me to get the pill at 14 and I plan on doing the same. My mum said it would help “control” periods and I shall take the same tack. I wasn’t sexually active until 17 she’d never said at 14 great now go off and shag lol so I waited until I was in love which was also advised! Xx

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Kanaloa · 17/01/2022 01:16

Oh dear I’m so sorry. If I’m honest this is my nightmare - I was a teen mum myself and I desperately hope my girls don’t become teen mums. I want them to go to uni/work etc and live their lives a bit first.

I would be sitting her down and having a serious talk with her. She’ll need to buck up her ideas if she wants to be a mum - you’ve raised your daughter, you’re just granny to this child and not mum! I would be letting her know that her life as a carefree teen going out clubbing etc is finished because as a mum she’ll need to spend most of her money on the baby, hire a babysitter if she wants to go out, make sure she’s home to meet the babysitter and sober enough to watch the baby.

She’ll also need to buck her ideas about about her laziness and lack of helpfulness quick smart. There’s no option for laziness with a baby. Bottles need washing, clothes need laundering, baby needs changing, meals need cooking ad nauseam and nobody’s going to do it for her.

Personally my advice would be to tell her she needs to start looking for a flat/sorting how she’s going to love. You sleeping on the couch isn’t a long term solution and if she’s going to be a mum she needs to stand on her own two feet. She can’t be a mum to her baby while still acting like a baby to her mum.

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Kanaloa · 17/01/2022 01:17

By the way I wasn’t saying I regret having my kids! Just read that back and it sounds awful. I was simply saying that being a teen/young mum isn’t the ideal and it’s not a walk in the park at all! So I would want my girls not to do it. Also you find that all too often the ‘teen dad’ is nowhere to be seen when he’s needed unfortunately.

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DukeofEarlGrey · 17/01/2022 01:18

I don’t have a lot more to offer here OP but just wanted to say I’m sorry for the loss of your mum and offer you an extra handhold. You sound like a complete superstar and this is a lot to handle. Your daughter is lucky to have you. Lots of good advice here from PP and I hope it helps you Flowers

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GatoradeMeBitch · 17/01/2022 01:18

I would gently encourage abortion

Or considering her options at least.

I think you should make it clear that you are not going to be an on tap supergran. You should also insist she start pulling her weight and getting organized now - she'll have sleep schedules, mountains of laundry, nappies, and possible bottle sterilization to juggle in six months. It's time she gets domesticated.

Perhaps she and the baby should have the living room area once she's recovered from the birth, to allow you and your tenant to get a little bit of distance from the crying.

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Ozanj · 17/01/2022 01:24

I’m going to go with her another opinion here and you won’t like it but I have to say it because otherwise you might permanently damage your relationship with her. Why is it her problem that you chose to have a baby at 18? You deciding to have a baby then is a totally different issue to her having a baby now - sure you might struggle to support her, yes she’s lazy, but you’re her mum. It’s totally natural for her to want to rely on you for support at 18 pregnant or otherwise. I think you need to unpin your life / history from what’s going on now and try and support your dd - even if it’s just to apply for all the benefits / housing she’ll need when or if you can’t keep her at home.

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PrincessNutella · 17/01/2022 01:27

Sit down, OP. I've put on the kettle and I'm getting out the dark chocolate digestives. Here's some tea. Now I'm getting you a nice tall glass of Scotch to go with it. And a pack of smokes. And some Valium. Because that truly sucks. I don't have anything rosy to say at the moment except here, have a nice biscuit and I feel your pain.

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Blossom64265 · 17/01/2022 01:27

I would sit her down and go over a sample budget and ask how she is going to make it work. If she is choosing to be a mother, she is choosing to end her own childhood and take responsibility for a helpless human being. It’s time for her to woman up. She can avail herself of government resources, but she has a to make that happen. Don’t let her spend the next couple of months in denial assuming you will take care of everything.

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Beenbag · 17/01/2022 01:35

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Due to your current circumstances, I would encourage your daughter to contact the council and tell them that there is no room for a baby in the flat. If her ex will support her, to what extent will this be, helping with bills and rent or just buying baby stuff and ‘babysitting’?

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tillytown · 17/01/2022 01:42

Sorry about your mum Flowers You said she would know what to do, well what did she do when you told her you were a going to be a teen mum? If you feel what she did was the right, try that.

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