Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

If your daughter is lazy, well that's how you brought her up, no point in complaining about that now.

It's her choice if she wants the baby or not, nothing you can do about that either.

However, if you don't want them living with you, let her know asap so she can make arrangements asap. Nothing wrong in not wanting them to stay with you.
If it's only the noise you're worried about make them sleep downstairs front room whilst you have upstairs backroom for example.

Wow thanks so much for all the words of advice and kindness ❤️

She's never been one gor clubbing and has always been more of a home bird.

She's never really been one for big groups of friends or many friends either and is normally just happy having a bf,

My mum was a Christian and always told my daughter keeping me was the best decision she ever made (she was 19)
And that my daughter too was a blessing to the family.
My mum told my daughter to never have an abortion.
My daughter also has a condition which means falling pregnant could potentially be difficult and the possibility of miscarriage is high, so what if this turned out to be her only chance?

Part of me is thinking maybe this baby will be a blessing?
Maybe it'll be something wonderful after suffering the loss of my mum 💔

My mum was my best friend and I wish she was here to tell me what to do x

If my daughter can afford to cover the costs of the lodger then at least it'll be one less body in the flat?

I never wanted to keep my daughter but I do agree having her and all the struggles I've had in my life have made me who I am today

I just never wanted my daughter to have similar struggles 😔

Thanks again for all your messages x I really do appreciate them ❤️

That does change things for me slightly. Given her upbringing (grandma against abortions) and her being less likely to have children I can see why she might lean towards keeping this one.

Can you possibly reframe it? Remove the issue of you not wanting her to be a teen mum and simply tell her she will need to learn to be independent and hardworking, since laziness will not wash with a new baby? That she will need to support herself and the child and cannot expect you to do so. So taking the pressure off you to be raising the baby.

I agree with Kanaloa says, I think that’s a sensible approach and can see why she would want to keep it.

So sorry about your Mum, I lost my Dad a week ago and would be struggling to deal with this situation 💐

I’m sorry, but ai’d be insisting she and BF start looking for somewhere else to live. Let her know you can offer support to babysit on weekends if you are not too tired from working full time, but you can’t afford to support her AND her child. She is going to have to sort out her benefits, etc ASAP and work out if she can afford to do this.

My Irish grandmother told my mother, if you bring something home you'll nurse it! My mother was very strictly brought up and had absolutely no idea what her mother was going on about. She really did believe her cousin was visiting an aunt in a distant part of Ireland. She said it took her a few years to work out what her mother meant.

I am not sure though that my grandmother's rule wasn't a good one. This is your daughter's responsibility - not yours. And she should realise that ex teenage boyfriends' ideas about support tend to evaporate rapidly when there is an actual child to feed, clothe and take care of

In the circumstances, if it were my daughter I'd be suggesting that she might want to consider a termination. Failing that, has she thought of adoption? Some adoptions are open these days and the mother can get regular updates on the child and even see the child from time to time. The child has the benefit of a family who are in a position to give him or her opportunities that your daughter simply cannot supply as a teenager with little money.

She won't be able to claim Housing Benefit or UC Housing Costs as you are a relative and effectively a "live in" landlord. So she will struggle to afford to pay you any rent.

I can understand why you feel disappointed in your daughter being pregnant.
I sit down and ask her what she is going to do for money and ask her where she plans to live?
I tell her then that if she wants a baby that your not in a position to give up work. Tell her the cost of nappies, baby milk, clothes ect and tell her your not in a financial position to support you her and a baby.
I tell her that since she got pregnant she can talk to her boyfriend and she and him can start to figure out how they can afford to move out and afford to bring up a child. I also tell her that her boyfriend might never give her money or even mind the child despite what he told her.
In fact in her case I tell her to have an abortion as she in not in a good position to bring up a child. I also say to her that her friends will move on with to their lives, go to college, go abroad on holidays, buy a car ect and that she will be stuck with a baby/child.

I know it hard dealing with this on top of your mother's death. Unless you lay down the law with her and get her to have an abortion your going to end up in a worse position.

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your mum. No wonder you're feeling so down right now, you've had 2 pieces of life-changing news in a short space of time.

Secondly, it isn't inevitable that you take on this responsibility. Just because your daughter has become pregnant does not mean you are suddenly raising another baby. I just wanted to write that out in clear language so that you can really take it on board, because I think you're feeling held hostage by this situation and it's important that you know that you don't have to be. You have control over who does and doesn't live in your home.

It sounds like your financial situation is extremely difficult. Can you actually afford to have your DD and her baby live with you? And do you actually have the capacity to be a full or even part time carer for a baby? It sounds like you can't afford to drop any hours at work. If you can't do it, it's ok to tell her that. It isn't your responsibility to house and fund any future grandchildren. That's for your DD to sort out. Any help you can give her would be wonderful, of course, but if you are really broke and struggling to make ends meet as it is, it's completely fine to tell DD that she and her boyfriend need to start looking for their own place to raise this baby.

I suspect she assumes you’re going to be raising this child and making adjustments to suit her. Make it very clear now that this isn’t happening. She and BF need to start scoping places for her and baby to live, budgeting on benefits, etc, to see if this is going to be viable for her before it’s too late to change her mind. She also needs to get on MN and read all about the feckless dads that don’t change their lifestyles when babies arrive and how hard it is to get money out of them also.

You say she's lazy; so is she expecting you to look after the baby?

It might be time to point her in the direction of the local council housing unit. No, it won't be easy. But it doesn't sound practical or feasible to have her and baby living with you.

If she wants to keep the baby, that's her choice. But it's your choice not to do it on her terms.

As others have said, it's not her fault you had her at 18. What support did you have from your Mum? Also very sorry to her that you have juts lost her.

Just coming on the thread to say you were mislead about DD paying you rent from benefits- she won’t be eligible for housing as you are her mum and live there too. She will obviously get standard benefits and child support but this isn’t much at all and depending on how much your room is let out for this may or may not help.
I am sorry about your mum.

@RLOU30

Just coming on the thread to say you were mislead about DD paying you rent from benefits- she won’t be eligible for housing as you are her mum and live there too. She will obviously get standard benefits and child support but this isn’t much at all and depending on how much your room is let out for this may or may not help. I am sorry about your mum.

This is true as well. I suppose she could pay you a very small sort of nominal amount but I don’t see how she could pay you rent plus support herself and a child. She would get housing assistance if she went to the council to live alone but she won’t get housing benefit paid to her to live with her mum! Otherwise every young adult living at home would probably do it.

Although I suppose when the baby is a bit bigger she could work. But when they’re very small and you’re an unskilled young single mum it’s a bit harder to work. Like for example when I had my first children I couldn’t work because who would look after them? I didn’t have a partner to leave them with and even if I worked full time I couldn’t afford nursery bills for two small children.

When they are two/three years old it’s easier as you get a bit of childcare assistance so can look for work. Still limits you on availability for work though which makes it harder to get a job compared to someone who can do any days/hours.

Either way I think she’ll need to get her smart cap on. You need to be sharp to organise yourself and live well as a young single mum on benefits. If I was her I’d be looking at what I could do to make myself as employable as possible and discussing with the father what we’ll do about work, childcare, finances. Because fluffy sentiments like ‘oh I’ll help out’ tend to mean ‘I’ll buy the baby an outfit and babysit him for half an hour now and then.’

My biggest worry would be that she would just assume that you will be on hand to look after the baby. If she is living with you and she is struggling it will be very difficult to maintain any kind of boundaries. As others have said if she wants to keep the baby she needs to sort out alternative accommodation, especially as she will not be able to use benefits for housing with you.

I would make it clear to her that she needs to move out.

You will have no life should dd stay.

Your daughter needs to go to the council (perhaps with you) and at least put her name on the housing list.
If your DD wants to keep the baby, she needs to understand that it’s her responsibility to provide for the child.
How will your tenant feel about this new addition? I imagine they need their sleep too.
I would also want to know what your DD’s partner is planning to contribute and establish boundaries now with your DD regarding your level of involvement. I honestly don’t think that it’s your responsibility to look after your DD and her new baby financially and provide childcare. Be supportive- absolutely! But not on your home - sorry completely disagree. Your DD has chosen to keep the baby and therefore chooses all that goes with that responsibility! Not just the parts she wants- life doesn’t work like that.

Sorry to hear about your mum you must be very stressed by all this.

@Ozanj

I’m going to go with her another opinion here and you won’t like it but I have to say it because otherwise you might permanently damage your relationship with her. Why is it her problem that you chose to have a baby at 18? You deciding to have a baby then is a totally different issue to her having a baby now - sure you might struggle to support her, yes she’s lazy, but you’re her mum. It’s totally natural for her to want to rely on you for support at 18 pregnant or otherwise. I think you need to unpin your life / history from what’s going on now and try and support your dd - even if it’s just to apply for all the benefits / housing she’ll need when or if you can’t keep her at home.

Yes it is Different BUT the op knows how difficult it was....

And, is worried re her daughter assuming she will help massively.

I'd be so encouraging her to really think about her options.

There is more than : I'll have the baby and live with mum in an over crowded flat.

Many many women have TOPs annually for very good reasons-she's well within the time

PS sorry about your mum

I feel for you OP!

I'm a single mother with a 4 year old so can't compare but I've had nightmares of having more children as I really struggle on my own mentally, emotionally, the lot. Sometimes I don't even feel like my own person.

So it's not surprising you don't want your daughter to have a baby in your house and have to go through it all over again. Tell her if she wants to keep it fine but get on the housing list ASAP.

Your financial situation sounds really tricky but in all honesty I'm not sure I could ask my single pregnant daughter to leave and sort herself out and I doubt if many people advocating that on this thread would actually do it to their own DD.

Bless you, sometimes we have to do things that seem harsh but in the best interests of those concerned.
Your daughter has created this situation she is an adult so needs to take responsibility for her actions.
Tell her exactly how you feel and that whilst you will always be there for her you now need to have a life of your own and she will have to find somewhere else to live and pay her own way.

Sorry to hear you've lost your mum too OP. I would be just as upset about history repeating itself here too. You are in a good position to try to educate her to the realities as PP have suggested. Her choices don't have to completely change your own life going forward, but I understand it must feel like the future you hoped for is being snatched away.

@SuPerDoPer

Your financial situation sounds really tricky but in all honesty I'm not sure I could ask my single pregnant daughter to leave and sort herself out and I doubt if many people advocating that on this thread would actually do it to their own DD.

It’s not asking her to ‘leave and sort herself out.’ I don’t think anybody is suggesting op chucks the girl out on her ear with no support.

But if she’s planning on bringing a baby into the world she needs to get her head screwed on and that means sorting benefits and a place to live. Bringing a baby home to a house where there aren’t enough bedrooms for everyone who currently lives there isn’t going to work.

I'm so sorry, Shawaddy. I can understand how stressful this situation is, coming on top of the death of your mother. You must feel quite alone at the moment.

Try to be matter of fact and straightforward with your daughter about your concerns. Accept any help that is offered, especially if your daughter can find a home of her own, such a a Housing Association place, to move into after she is back on her feet.

It will all work out eventually but right now, it seems an impossible situation and you have my sympathy.