Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

Some of these responses here are just sad. If my mum tried to shoving a load of abortion leaflets in my face I’d tell her to do one.

OP

I was your daughter. I was lazy, just out of college and pissing around with A few friends and not in work. I had DS1 when I was 19, fell pregnant at 18 and wasn’t with the dad. My mum told me she wasn’t having a baby in her house nor would she be looking after it. Cool.

I had my own flat line up, benefits sorted all by the time DS1 was due to be born. Due to complications and both of us nearly dying she insisted we stayed whilst I recovered from my C-section. She didn’t do a single night feed, wash a single bottle or pump part and she never change a single nappy. We moved Into our own home 6 months later and whilst I was ecstatic she was actually quite upset.

I didn’t care for clubbing, I didn’t drink so all this “what about your youth and partying days” was lost on me. I didn’t like any of it anyway. Those handful of good friends were still there when I had him. What I did love was doing things for my son. He was the making of me.

In the nearly 10 years DS has been born he has stayed with my mum about 5 times. Each time my mum has asked me to have him.

I haven’t felt lonely, I love my own company. I haven’t isolated or sad that I can’t go out to the club etc. I’ll be 29 this year, still a single Pringle and I had DS3 in lockdown 😁

OP please have higher expectations of your daughter. Not everyone cares for the “typical” teenage party life and your daughter isn’t you. Just because you didn’t like it doesn’t mean she will

Hope you're okay OP. I agree with other posters that you need to be very clear about your boundaries. Tough as it is, that's the best way to protect your mental health.

Really sorry to hear about everything you are going through, things will get better.

I'm so sorry about your mum, she must have been quite young. You are going through a terrible time with that, it is hard to think straight. I'm sure it is really difficult to separate out the different emotions you are feeling.

Have you thought about having some grief counselling? Your GP would be able to.point you in the right direction.

Sorry can’t see if you’ve said whether she is working or in full time education? Financial help would differ between the two. You must feel conflicted between wanting to help and support your daughter and not wanting to take on care for the baby. She wouldn’t be reasonable to expect you to do that and if she’s not contributing to the household bills currently she needs to start! Potentially she will have to make up for the lost income from the lodger and the extra bills for baby

I don't blame you being upset at the situation you know your DD and what her expectations will be plus you've been there, not an easy life.
The only solution is asking her to go homeless she can try renting a small place before the baby comes, might seem harsh but she is a grown up.

Sorry for your loss.

That is so much to deal with all at once. Even if it might be a happy outcome in the end, don't be hard on yourself for feeling overwhelmed, worried, upset, angry, whatever, OP.

OP I think you need to make it clear straight away that she won't be living with you and you'll be helping her to find accommodation to move out in the next couple of months.
That while you love her you won't raise the baby for her.
You're there to help and assist but not be the parent.
She needs to grow up if she wants this baby and now's the time.
If she decides it's too hard because you're not available there's time to terminate.

It's not an ideal situation, but the poster who said "your daughter got herself into this position..." well actually she didn't get herself into this position, there is a dad out there too, let's not forget about him!! She didn't get herself pregnant!

Your daughter does have to make the decision on what SHE wants to do, not be bullied into terminating her pregnancy because that's what you want. You kept your daughter so it'd be very hypocritical of you to push her into a termination. You can make it clear that you won't help so your daughter needs to find out what help is out there for her, this should be her priority if she decides to keep the baby.

Does she work? Does the dad work?

OP do you know who the father is?

Do his parents know he has fathered a child?

Are they wringing their hands and worried sick?

Probably not!

This makes me so cross. If my son had fathered a child at 19 or thereabouts I'd be furious and seen it is 50% his issue to care for that child and support the mother, emotionally and financially.

These young lads get away with it all the time.

If youknow how he is, I'd be tempted to take your DD there to meet his parents and give them the facts so that it's not just you and her tryig to work this out.

It's not the 18thC when men walked away. Now they are expected to contribute to a child they father. And you need to tell your DD that she needs to talk to HIM.

If she was close enough to have sex - assuming it wasn't a one night stand - - then she's close enough to share this pregnancy with him and his own family.

How did your mum react when you was pregnant at 18?

YANBU

I've raised an 18 year old and a 15 year old on my own, and it's been really hard and what meagre savings I have I want to spend on my house after they move out. I don't fear empty nest, I'm planning around it.

In your shoes I'd be devastated too, your 20s and 30s have been spent caring for her and now freedom is around the corner. Your forties were going to have been a decade of relative youth and freedom (I'm 51 so 40s still young).

I'd tell her in no uncertain circumstances that you're done with childcare.

It's hard though, with a baby and all the stuff in the house you're back to square one and how can she get her own place? Will she be working? Aiming to work?

@Daydreamsinsantafe you are not allowed to claim housing benefits for a family member in the UK to live in your or a house that you own.

Does she work?

I'd contact him & his parents to discuss the support he is prepared to offer.
Is he working or studying or a bit lazy doing neither.
What about his parents, can they afford a deposit and first month's rent so DD can apply for housing assistance?
You're not the only grown-up here, spread the stress out.

@bexxboo my kids are teens now but I was 100% on my own with them and when school mum friends used to tell me they got a puppy or a kitten I used to nearly get sick at the thought of having another creature to care for. I was like a husk.

Thanks for all the responses x
They really are very helpful x

So she's currently doing an apprenticeship in beauty 3 days at week and working in Curry's the other 3 days a week .

It was a one night stand but the dad has said he will support her (who knows if this will happen, he has MH issues)

He just lost a brother to suicide and she's just lost my mum who was like a mother to her , so I think they both feel this is a blessing and a good distraction from the Grief they are feeling..

If I had financial security and she had her shit together and was in a loving relationship I wouldn't feel so stressed but the fact is I might have no option but to ask her to leave if she can't replace the money of the lodger
Because you are right, no lodger is going to want to live in a cramped flat with a crying baby

This in itself makes me feel like crap and like such a shit mum.

I am going to sit down with her and look at all the options.
But sadly I think she's going to have to move out and live on her own with the baby 😔 x

Agree with PPs, your DD is an adult, now is the time for her to start acting like one.

Help her by all means, but she has to learn ASAP that she will be dealing with the consequences of her actions mostly by herself.

Take time for yourself, you need to heal too.

OP you are NOT a shit mum. You clearly care very deeply.

This must be a shock to you, and disappointing considering you wanted her to have more choices than you had at that age. Despite that, now's the time to get the practicalities sorted.

I haven't read the full thread, so sorry if others have suggested what I have.
Regardless of whether your daughter stays with you or not, she needs to identify what benefits she is/will be eligible for and start applying or taking the necessary action ASAP. e.g. if you're in the UK, she will probably be eligible for Universal Credit. If she hasn't already, this is something she should look into sooner rather than later:

www.gov.uk/universal-credit/eligibility

She will also be eligible for free dental care when she's pregnant and for 12 months after the baby is born - she needs to apply for a certificate to take advantage of this - and healthy start vouchers for baby milk, vitamins and fruit and veg.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/finding-out/maternity-and-paternity-benefits-and-leave/

If she hasn't got a job now, I would encourage her to find one - doing absolutely anything she can - ASAP, so that even if she's not eligible for SMP, she may be able to claim Statutory Maternity Allowance.

www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/what-youll-get

Good luck with everything OP.

@Shawaddywaddeee you have all of my sympathy. As a single parent to two teens (and the 18 year old is a girl) I just have NOTHING LEFT IN MY TANK for dealing with a grandchild right now.

I work ft but I know I'd get home to the house like a bomb site. it's a small house too!

I would let your daughter know that you need the lodger's money so there are standards you'll have to uphold to make sure the room is rentable.

I agree with the advice to make her understand now she needs to have a roof over this child's head and that she cannot just ASSUME that roof is your roof.

xx

@Shawaddywaddeee don't feel guilty that you have a lodger. You did it to keep a roof over both your heads and tbh if anyone should be sleeping on the sofa , it's your DD.

You've obviously done your absolute best to bring up your DD, now she is an adult and has made a choice that she'll need to work through. She cannot stay in your property, there simply isn't room.

I'd try to put your feelings of guilt to one side and tell her gently that if she wants to be a DM then she needs to sort out her own housing and finances which is easier done now before the baby is born.

Tell her she needs to find her own accommodation for herself and the baby. You are already stretched to the limit. You don't need this.
Definitely don’t take this awful advice.
The baby will be fine in your daughters room until at least five years old. I am sure your dd will want to find her feet by then.
Am so sorry for your loss.

I would start sowing the seed that

It’s not going to be practical for her to stay living with you
It’s be to cramped & you’d all fall out
The reality of being a mum is different from what you think ( you have the experience of this) and though wonderful and rewarding, it’s hard work
Maternity pay is £150 a week - that’s all

Gently drop these nuggets i with a dose of positivity

3 days working and 3 days at college doesn’t sound lazy… maybe she is at home? But sounds like she’s earning and creating a future

YANBU - Firstly I am so sorry for the loss of your mum. With all this going on it can't be easy. In your case what I would do is get your daughter, the father of the baby and ideally the family of the father together. Discuss the whole situation, hash out finances/places to live etc. before baby comes. Make absolutely clear that you will not be taking on a baby with everything else going on. I would also suggest her getting in touch with the council for housing and also trying to get sorted for benefits (if shes not on any already). Do not suggest she have an abortion unless you want to potentially lose your relationship with her. That is a decision that she needs to make on her own terms (I personally would never suggest it but not everyone feels the same regarding abortion). You haven't failed her by the way, you've done your best and at the end of the day she's 19 not 14. Also, while you may have had a bad experience as a young mum - it might be the making of her, you don't know. I had my daughter at 19 and if it wasn't for her I probably wouldn't have gone back to college.