Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

You’ve done you’re time parenting. If you don’t want to live with the baby and take on a more than just nanny role you need to make that clear to DD. It’s your house, she needs to take responsibility now as she is and will be responsible for someone else now.

You say she lazy, doesn’t help around the house.. if you Molly coddle her through this pregnancy and the newborn stage thinking your helping you’re not, you enabling her to continue being lazy and unhelpful.

It’s her body, it’s her choice. She’s 19, adult enough for you to put your foot down, tell her she needs to get a job ASAP to being in some money, how will she pay for babies things? - formula is expensive so if she can’t or doesn’t want to breastfeed she needs to figure out how she’s going to financially do this.

Get in contact with the council. Get her on a list to get a flat or small house.

She’s having a baby, it’s time she grows up.

I am 100% pro choice but no way would I put any pressure on my DD to have a termination

God, that sounds really hard - I'm so sorry.

Agree with gently encouraging her to take the abortion pill (I'm sorry I know that sounds awful). But you literally don't even have a bedroom.

There's no way she should be bringing a baby into this situation. I think I would have to tell her she needs to go and get on the housing list and find her own place. Make it clear you won't be babysitting - you need to work.

And surely you'll lose your lodger if there's a screaming baby in the flat?

You need to get tough with her, as hard as it may be.
She sounds very selfish.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think posters are wrong to say to try to persuade her to have an abortion. If she decides to keep the baby you could completely destroy your relationship with both your daughter and grandchild as you will always be remembered as the grandparent who told her to abort.

I think it's wrong to be trying to steer an adult 19 year old to abort their child because OP doesn't want to be involved. Fine. Tell your DD she hasn't got your support and let her work out what to do. Lazy? So what. That probably changes when you have a child and if it doesn't it's her problem, no one else's. The other thing I noted is the people saying she needs to understand how lonely it is, as if OP experience is the only experience. The DD may have this baby, grow up fast and have a happy and successful life. She may not, but it's wrong to suggest she will be lonely because OP said she was.

I am really sorry to hear about your mum.

I can understand your upset but ultimately it's your daughters decision. You were a young mum too so I'm sure you can sympathise.

I fell pregnant at 18. My mum treated me like dirt after she found out - not saying you will do this. But I never felt so alone at the time. I had no support. She would say horrible things to me like I hope you miscarry or telling me it's not to late to get an abortion at 20 weeks, when I had known since 4 weeks! Hell no! She wasn't there for me at all. Despite living there I never felt so alone. His dad was in and out his life, now sees him quite a lot.

My son is 11 year old now! He changed my life!

I did live with my mum for the first few months of his life, we didn't get on, we were all in a 3 bed house, but had no choice until I found somewhere to live. We basically lived in my room apart from bathroom and kitchen or went out to get out the way. I don't think DS ever disturbed anyone though and I had younger siblings. Despite living at home for the very early years, I did it all - and I probably would have been considered lazy pre having him! I never expected anyone to help!

Tell her to contact council, regarding housing. Not usually a quick process so needs to do it now.

We were 23 when we had DS, lived with my parents until we bought our house 3 months later (she could rent). My parents help us with childcare (he's now 8) but it can work out okay.

I think this is really unfair on you

Get her to read some of the sleep deprivation threads on here. I would really really make her clear on the reality of this. You don’t get a cute squidge of a baby for long. Is she ready to live on snippets of sleep while patiently dealing with screaming? Is she ready to physically wrangle a mischievous 2 year old for every second of the day? Etc etc.

I was very lucky as it was easy to get set-up in a flat back when I was a young mum and my family had a huge network of friends that gave me donations of furniture and such.

It’s almost impossible to find a landlord who will take a single mum on benefits these days. A friend who found herself in the same position as yourself is now in a hostel with her daughter and granddaughter simply because her landlord decided to sell up and they couldn’t get anywhere else. Maybe get her to look at the threads where people are trying to rent too.

She doesn’t know any better, but she needs to know the realities. In a kind, supportive way, of course.

@Bagelsandbrie

I think posters are wrong to say to try to persuade her to have an abortion. If she decides to keep the baby you could completely destroy your relationship with both your daughter and grandchild as you will always be remembered as the grandparent who told her to abort.

Or remembered as the mother who encouraged her to make a sensible decision.

OP, I’d be reframing the conversation to make it plain that termination is very much an option she needs to consider.

I got pregnant when I was 17/18 and my mum suggested a termination

She’d been an unmarried mum in the 1950’s and it wasn’t a walk in the park

It’s probably the one thing I can thank her for. I was very immature at the time

@Iwonder08

OP, time for some home truth for your daughter. Tell her everything, how hard it was, how many sacrifices you made, how desperate you felt at times, how it was a mistake even though you love her dearly. She is ruining your life.. And yours as you are clearly not going to leave her to deal with this mess. At 19 she shouldn't be making a conscious choice of being a single mum with no money. Yes, there are some women who overcome all the challenges, but majority will struggle. In your shoes I would do everything I could to convince her to terminate

This.

Your mother/her grandmas impractical and idealised notions wouldn't factor into it for me. At all.

If she wants this baby life will become much harder and more unpleasant for both of you and the baby will let's be honest be born into sub optimal circumstances

I am your age and about to become a mother for the first time!! So can hand on heart say if she wants to press on good luck and fair play because it will be a hard road. Full respect to you as well because I have no clue how a teenager does it solo.
I can understand you that you were looking forward to getting more of your life back my 20s and 30s were amazing I enjoyed a lot of adventures and freedoms and at 19 I can imagine you were looking forward to getting your life back

It's a really hard situation but you really need to explain what this will mean and what the realities will be for her.

I think you have to lay it on the line but kindly.

After putting her first for the past 17 years you are now looking forward to having a few less responsibilities. As you work ft you will not be able to support with childcare beyond 1 x per week evening babysitting ( or whatever you are prepared to do). You will help her to find her own place and make sure she is getting all the benefits she is entitled to, but she cannot stay and you will not become the de facto primary cared.

Tell her that you love her and she must make her own decisions about her baby, as you did when you were in the same situation.

Interestingly some while ago there was an older woman in a similar situation with her young adult DD but responses were very different, almost as if an older woman is automatically expected to take care of any dgc that come her way.

In either case the baby is the responsibility of the couple who conceived it.

I just seen you’re upset she doesn’t want to do more with her life. I think that’s a bit of an unfair statement; despite me agreeing with the majority of your post.

You say she’s never been one for clubbing and is a home bird, that’s very much me too. I’ve always known I won’t travel the world or have any goals I can’t complete without being settled with children. - Me and DP brought our first house when I was only 20, and starting trying for our first baby at 21, has her at 22 and it’s been the light of my life. I am much happier being a parent than I was just working and dawdling around doing nothing, we started trying for our second baby a couple years later and he’ll be due in the next couple of months now. I’ve always worked full time, I went back to work after maternity leave, I’ll do the same this time except I will be part time when I return this time around - but only because we’ve sorted out finances, brought a bigger house for our expanding family and can afford for me to go part time and spend more time with my children and still being in a comfortable income and not have to worry about our finances.

It’s ok for DD to not want to ‘do more’ with her life before she has children.. but ideally she needs to be responsible before baby comes, she can’t be lazy with a baby - it just won’t work. She’s going to find it very difficult otherwise. Each to their own on what age they have their babies as long as their emotionally and financially able to provide for them.

Do not, under circumstances, tell your daughter that she was a mistake 😩. Tell her how it was hard, tell her all the sacrifices but it is the cruelest thing ever to tell your own flesh and blood that you think their existence is a mistake.

I was in this situation 15 years ago. Parents and baby lived with us until they were offered a council flat after six months. Baby is 14 now, and the love of my life. It’ll be ok.

Just to add though, I remember the shock and worry when it was announced.

@incywincyspiders

Do not, under circumstances, tell your daughter that she was a mistake 😩. Tell her how it was hard, tell her all the sacrifices but it is the cruelest thing ever to tell your own flesh and blood that you think their existence is a mistake.

Absolutely.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. I had my daughter at 18 and she had her daughter at 18. I remember feeling so sad that she was going to have to go through all the things I did as a ‘young mum’ I was worried how she’d cope. I love her to bits but she was lazy, unhelpful and had no idea where she wanted to go with her life. Thankfully I didn’t have money worries so I knew I could help her, although I made it clear from the start I wouldn’t be paying for everything. I’d help, not solely support.
My grandaughter is 4 now. My daughter works, has a beautiful house, is doing a degree and is raising my DGD beautifully. I truly believe it was the making of her. She realised that this little baby was completely dependant on her and a switch flicked and off she went.
I know it isn’t always like that and some struggle more than others but it might just be the motivation she needs to sort her life out.

I completely understand that after a long day at work you don’t want your evenings and nights disturbed by a crying baby - I didn’t either! I said from the get go….I’m here to support you, not as a un paid babysitter. Fortunately my DD never expected anymore than I was willing to give.

Good luck OP

@Spreadingtheword Your situation sounds very different to the op's daughters. Also, dawdling around doing nothing? Is that how you view people who don't choose to be parents at such a young age ?

I am so sorry for your loss. Mums are so important to us. :(

The pregnancy news came at a bad time for you emotionally, but I think YABU. Your DD is pregnant, irrespective of her age, be there for her. Don't let her feel the way you did and experience being alone.

She shouldn't expect you to be the care giver, but when baby arrives I'm sure you'll love it. BTW she sounds depressed not lazy - she maybe needs to see a doc about that but no anti depressants - CBT might be good though.

If it were me, i'd tell my DD that
-I am here for you
-I don't have money to give but I will give you as much support as I can, but we're all screwed if I get ill so I will only do what I can, OK?
More than anything, let her know she's not alone. It sounds like you had such a tough time bring her up you might have lost the joy associated with children. Bless you.

Get her to do a benefits check - you may be able to lose the lodger and get a bedroom back for yourself. My DCs were fabulous, very little crying at all. So you may have the same. Fingers crossed for you. X Obvs this may not be everyone's experience, but we had a calm home, so maybe our DCs felt secure. My hubbies music helped too I'm sure, lol! So aim to work together to create that calm environment in time for baby's arrival.

Both my DCs have disabilities and I lost my hubby in 2016, so I know working full time, suffering grief, trying to be there for the kids and managing a house etc is bloody hard. Sending you a hug and good luck xxx

YANBU. I had my daughter when I was 19 (I am now 26) and the first thing I done was get my money in order and move out! Unfortunately I developed a sudden and unexpected illness after I had my daughter and my daughter also has a disability which we wasn’t expecting either so I have had to rely on my mum a lot for support over the years (DD’s father is abusive and out of the picture for now) however because of this there is no way in hell I would ever have another child because not only would it not be fair on myself and DD but it also wouldn’t be fair on my family who have to support us so much.

I’m guessing your daughter doesn’t have any of these issues? Therefore she needs to have a kick up the bottom and you need to know that you are in no way shape or form responsible for this new child she is choosing to bring into the world - you have had your years of raising children x

I just realised I wrote that my family have to support me - obviously they don’t and it’s a choice they make because they know I have no-one else and the only other option would be some sort of local authority care support - so I know that I am lucky to be in a position whereas other people don’t have that but I’m not in that position because of laziness it’s because of medical problems which is obviously different to your DD x

Have you asked your DD what her plan is? What does she say? She might have put more thought into this than you think, and if she hasn't, then it's a good way of making her think about the practicalities of the situation!

It’s fine for dd to decided to keep the baby but those action will also mean she needs to get her own place. Whilst she is comfortable living with you, you haven’t got room so it will be a case of she needs to move out & the quickest and easiest way to do so is if she is homeless - that’s just the way it works

You can support your dd but she shouldn’t be taking over your life, she is old enough to make her choice and with support live her life not yours as well

mmm... My cousin was in a position like OP but worse maybe in some ways. Anyway, Cousin ended up raising the 1st baby, getting her DD to give 2nd one up for adoption & persuading her DD to get sterilised at 3rd baby.

Sometimes I think cousin was harsh, but don't judge if you haven't had the same difficult situations.

I hope you find a way forward that you can make peace with, OP.

I'm so sorry OP, but I think its one of those situations that there is nothing you can do about, other than give yourself permission to feel sad and angry about the loss of the life you wanted for you both, then look to managing the one you have been given. You absolutely didn't deserve this, as if anyone needs a break in their 30s its someone whose been a mum since 18, but life doesn't work out fairly, and we can get dealt a crap hand in lots of ways. You know from experience though that there are highs and lows with this. It won't be easy, but neither will it be entirely joyless.
Practically, find out all you can about support options and be very assertive in making sure no assistance is overlooked. Beyond that, try to deal with one day at a time. So sorry about your mum too. I hope you have people looking out for you.