Daughter 19 pregnant... AIBU to be upset... Read below

[Shawaddywaddeee]

Basically I'm 37 myself and feel like I've only just got my own freedom back after having my daughter at 18.

I have no spare cash and just about manage
I have to sublet my bedroom to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head
I have slept on my sofa for over a year

My daughter has just told me she's 6 weeks pregnant.
My daughter is lazy
Unhelpful around the flat
Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)

I am so devastated because i had her at 18 and to say it was a struggle is an understatement.
I was in an abusive relationship for the first few years and it was incredibly lonely

She wants to keep the baby but where the hell will we put it!?
She wants to stay at home for first couple of months and I don't want her to have to leave but wth are we going to do when we have no space where we live!?
It's making me feel so shit, like I'm already being a shit granny and mum

But I work full time, I know it sounds so selfish but i don't want to be kept awake all night with a screaming baby
I never had more kids because I found it so traumatic being a young, single, lonely mum

I'm so sad she doesn't want to do more with her life, I never wanted her to make the same mistakes as me, and I feel I've failed her :(
I kept asking if she was using contraception to which I was told "yes I'm going to sort it" I should've been more pushy :(

I should say my mum sadly passed away a week ago so I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed as she would know what to do :(

Any help and advice would be much appreciated x

I think you need to have a very honest and open discussion with your daughter about what is going to happen when the baby's born. You could research with her how to sort out benefits and housing. It doesn't seem realistic for her to continue to live with you if you need a lodger to cover your costs. Also, she will expect too much from you if you are in the same flat. She would grow in independence living alone and you could be nearby to support her. She needs to know now though as her decisions up till now have rested on thinking she will continue as she is.

Ridiculous circumstances to have a child.
I hope she reconsiders

You are not a bad mum. I really feel for you- what a horrible situation.

I can relate to this post. I’m 33 now and had my daughter when I was 19. Like you, I felt a little bit alone as my partner at the time was abusive and none of my friends had babies so we’re out partying. If your daughter seems to have a good relationship , this could be a positive thing. Ask her partner to find a suitable rental property for them to move into, hopefully before the baby is born. She will need the space for her family anyway. You are not being selfish at all for wanting to work hard. You sacralised years raising your daughter. Of course if she needs help, or the relationship breaks down you will be there for her. Tell her that you will always be there to call for help when needed. I think you need to focus on yourself too, and get yourself into the position where you don’t need a housemate to afford the roof over your head. Hope this helps :)

OP says "Not with the dad (although he says he'll support her)" so, presuming she goes ahead with pregnancy as the family don't appear to be pro-termination, she is barely an adult herself and will be alone, skint and scared. Not ideal by any stretch.

In a blame free, objective way, you need to stop and think what factors contributed to your daughter falling pregnant so young. You then need to decide if you want to do something to break the cycle.

I get that you don't want to do the baby thing again especially when you are Incredibly young to be a grandmother. The thing is, if she leaves home and lives in a council flat on benefits, not working and can't give her baby a decent life, will you be back her at 54 saying you are now a great grandmother?

If she's lazy and unhelpful at home it sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do practically speaking.
I wonder how much of her decision is based on a subconscious assumption that she can continue to lean on you.
Luckily she has told you early. You need to sit her down and discuss the nitty gritty. Tell her that as she is about to jump get first into serious adult territory you are going to have to have some hard conversations which might be a cold dose of reality but with a baby on the way there is not the option to take things slowly.
Then outline exactly what you are and are not prepared to do to support her. So advice, teaching budgeting, occasional babysitting ok. Taking on the film adult load of her child (and exactly what that entails from daily physical care to choosing schools, to playing with them to buying clothes - all her).
Being reliant on someone else is a strong habit, I suspect while she is under your roof this won't change without a lot of uphill pushing from you which will cause tension. Warn her that this is going to be a source of conflict unless she can see this coming down the track too and start breaking that habit while life is still relatively straight forward.
This all needs explicitly planning, so her due date becomes the deadline and by this point she must be capable of seeing to laundry, managing her money, riding up after herself etc etc etc the exercise of facing the in's and outs will either pop any fantasy she might be harbouring or goad her into action to prepare.
If she isn't already aware she needs to know exactly what the financial position of your household is because if things get shouty between you if she fails to step up, or things get to chaotic and too disruptive you could lose your tenant - it's there a risk of losing your home if that happened? Etc etc she needs to know all the considerations that are currently hitting you. If you can outline all this without too much blame /emotion and she recognised you are two adults in a situation together so it's willing to listen and discuss, there's a chance you can make her recognise the facts she needs to face and things will come good one way or another.
If she doesn't want to know then I can't see how you can be dragged along with this without serious fall outs so she would have to move out, which is unlikely to be easy for her or you.
Good luck getting her to accept eyeball deep adulthood is on the way so tough conversations must be had, but this has to be number 1 priority as everything else rests on it.

Does your Daughter have qualifications and work?
She may qualify for social housing?
Adoption?

I hope everything works out for you all. 💐💐

Hi OP,
Sorry for your recent loss .
IMO you should make it clear to your daughter that you absolutely support her - emotionally - whatever she chooses to do, and that it is her decision.
BUT as pps said make it clear that you are not in a position to support her day-to-day or financially.

Your daughter is probably in shock as well, and needs to know that her Mum loves her whatever she chooses.
But draw a line and make sure dd understands.
If the baby is born it definitely will be a blessing!

Also, op, really really sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. This situation sounds so stressful without that added layer.
Wish you and your dd all the luck in the world getting through this.

I had my daughter at a similar age to you and she is now 19 as well. If she said she was pregnant I would be supportive but I would not allow her to live at home with me (as it happens my dd is currently at university, I think it’s really important they learn to live on their own). I would support her in finding accommodation (help with approaching council) and help with benefits etc but I would be very clear I wouldn’t let her live with me. That sounds really harsh but I think it’s far too easy for the teen mum to take a step back and for you to end up being “Mum” to the baby, and that’s not good for anyone. Your dd needs to learn to be completely independent and to build her own life. And you deserve your own life too - who wants a baby waking them up all night when you’re trying to work full time?! No thanks!

I love my dd with all my heart but I’ve always been really clear to her that my baby days are over. I would be a good, loving granny but there’s no way I’m having another baby live with us or stay overnight again! I’m done!

OP, time for some home truth for your daughter. Tell her everything, how hard it was, how many sacrifices you made, how desperate you felt at times, how it was a mistake even though you love her dearly. She is ruining your life.. And yours as you are clearly not going to leave her to deal with this mess. At 19 she shouldn't be making a conscious choice of being a single mum with no money. Yes, there are some women who overcome all the challenges, but majority will struggle.
In your shoes I would do everything I could to convince her to terminate

Your daughter sounds very much like my mother. She had me at 17 and the first night home she refused to attend to me when I cried and basically told my grandparents she didn't want to look after me. No prizes for guessing what happened there. Several decades on we're no longer in contact because of her constant gaslighting and emotional abuse.

If your daughter is dead set on having this baby you MUST put up strong boundaries otherwise you may well end up raising another child. Time to help her explore what she's entitled to and what she would need in order to support this child. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh here because of how I came into the world but I think it's time for a wake up call while she still has options other than carrying to term.

OP if I were you I would sit her down and look at the practicalities of a baby.
Go through everything cot, pram, clothes, food, then go onto bills and where the money is coming from to pay for it all.
Also if she is hoping to get a council place depending on where you are could be a pipe dream.

She got a lot of growing up to do and quickly- you have enough to cope with. She needs to be on a housing list ASAP - as others say if you house her.... maybe she and the babies father can get together and think about sharing the rent as they need to share the responsibility of the baby - practically and financially. Your daughter needs to get as much education done if she’s in education before the baby comes or find a job for a bit . Sorry re your mum but this is not your basket with the baby- you sound like you did a great job with her.

She'll probably shape up once she has a child to care for, she could surprise you. I wouldn't be kicking her out immediately. She's your daughter. No ones asking you to be a mother to her baby but she will probably need support at first, before she looks into moving out. I wouldn't be encouraging her to have an abortion unless she wanted that first.

I think you really need to sit down with her and go over the realities of the situation:

• You can’t afford to financially subsidize her so she needs to know how much she will realistically get from benefits or work. (Don’t count anything that her ex-boyfriend might give her, it’s likely to be unreliable). Can she afford to support herself and a child on the money that she’s likely to be able to get.

• Where does she plan to live in the longer term. Council options are often not great (when I was working as a community midwife I saw a lot of people who were living in totally unsuitable accommodation because there weren’t any other options- this was 10 years ago so it’s likely to be worse now).

She won’t be entitled to housing benefit if she lives with you, so won’t be able to replace the lodger unless she has money coming in from somewhere else. I think you also need to be prepared for the fact that the lodger might leave if you introduce a baby into a house that’s already overcrowded.

• She probably won’t be able to work for a while after she has the baby and when she does go to work she’ll need to pay for childcare. You need to sit down with her and actually look at costs for childcare in your local area (it might cost more per hour than she’s able to earn, especially if she doesn’t have much work experience or specific qualifications).

You need to be clear how much childcare you’re actually willing to do and when (The odd evening? Evenings and weekends so she can work? 1 day a week? Just in emergencies?). It’s important that you set reasonable expectations now so she can make an informed decision.

• Actually have a proper chat with her about the emotional, social and practical realities of having a baby when you’re very young. Be completely honest about both the advantages and disadvantages.

It sounds like she might be a little bit naive and it’s important that she makes an informed decision about what’s right for her. You can be supportive without offering to take on the responsibility of her child.

I think posters are wrong to say to try to persuade her to have an abortion. If she decides to keep the baby you could completely destroy your relationship with both your daughter and grandchild as you will always be remembered as the grandparent who told her to abort.

I echo the sentiment that this is her baby not yours. You've done your job, and I take my hat off to you. Your next step, and it'll be as tough as raising her was, is to steer her towards independence and responsibility. You'll be a wonderful Nanny because you would have prepared your daughter to be a mother.

There's no point being disappointed because it's happening, and whilst you can tell her until you're blue in the face that this absolutely wasn't the best idea, she is 18 and clearly knows better than you...!

I have two daughters and I can tell you that I'd be pissed off if they came home at 18 and told me they were pregnant, especially if they had no plan. No parent wants to deal with this, but you are strong and brave, you've already proved yourself overcoming adversity.

You're only a few years older than me, I can't believe we are old enough to be grandparents

Good luck OP x

So sorry for your loss OP.

From what you've posted, it sounds like your daughter needs to understand how her life will be changing forever if she goes ahead with this pregnancy. Also that she has choices. She needs to speak to her GP and get some impartial advice.

(If it was my daughter, I'd be strongly advising termination and contraception. Then get some qualifications and/or a job).

Also I'm so sorry for your loss OP xx

So sorry on the loss of your mum.

I too agree that this is not a good situation to bring a baby into.

This is a follow on from her general laziness, her entitlement, that you will provide.

I think above all this is NOT a time for ANY diplomacy.

She needs it spelt out to her how hard and lonely it was.

She needs to go and find out what she is entitled to, if anything as she needs to move out.

Giving her the impression she has a home, YOUR home, indefinitely is not realistic.

Her selfishness and naivety needs blowing up.

If she has to fall out with you, so be it.

But thinking she can have a baby and somehow YOU will provide and house it, is the height of delusion.

I too would be devastated if my daughters went down a path of early motherhood.

It is such a tough, hard road.

She needs to hear the hard realities of her choices NOW and needs to be clear she has to find a new home.

@Breastfeedingworries

I would gently encourage abortion, get some leaflets from the doctors. Sit down with her and really explain how you’ve struggled and felt alone over the years. Really go into details about how hard parenting is, especially on your own. The sleepless nights. How you can’t see friends, how often you lose them because you can’t go out, go on holidays, see new places. Have boyfriends, how she will be alone and feel alone a lot of the time. I’m so thankful my mum really drummed it into me. I was broody from a very young age but all of her thoughts didn’t leave my mind for along time. Luckily she caught me before I got pregnant but hopefully you can help your dd.

I have a dd now (not with dds dad which isn’t how I thought life would turn out but ah well) I’m glad I got pregnant at 29, a very decent age after travelling and having a job and my life.

My friend had a child young at 21 and she massively regrets it, she isn’t even close to him. He lives with her mum and has more of a parent child relationship to her. At an older age I think a lot of people also make better choices, and are often able to be better parents. (No offence is meant with this) my friend went on to have another child and she’s night and day. With the first she was desperate to get away from him, so she could go out and live her life, with a second she attends baby groups breast fed, she has a lot of guilt over there different childhoods. Anyway this is all worth mentioning to your dd.

Best of luck op, I really hope you can get through to her. You’ve helped me plan for future talks with my dd. My mum took me to get the pill at 14 and I plan on doing the same. My mum said it would help “control” periods and I shall take the same tack. I wasn’t sexually active until 17 she’d never said at 14 great now go off and shag lol so I waited until I was in love which was also advised! Xx

OP - fully agree with this

Sorry for your loss OP

My friend's DD fell pregnant when she was 17, living at home with parents. Had already split with the dad when preg was discovered. Would be 18 when baby was due. Parents loved their DD but didn't want to live with a new baby in the house. They had health issues and like you were just beginning to enjoy being child free.

Everyone agreed it would be best for the daughter to start out on her own in her own place to raise the child with mum and dad nearby to support on their own terms.

They made an appointment with our local council and went together and my friend had to sit at a desk next to her daughter and tell the council that she was ''throwing her DD out''

She said it was awful - even though the DD knew the things her mum was saying wasn't true. They had to pretend their relationship had broken down.

A place was found for the DD just after the baby was born in the same village. This was 5/6 years ago.

I don't know what your local housing situation is like, and many people may well think what they did was fraud and i wouldn't argue tbh. I'm just telling you what worked for them.

Good luck.

Are you able to properly talk to your daughter OP? If so, have a good practical discussion with her. Dies she work (Sorry if I missed that?) Do an online calculation of her benefit entitlement , and tell her she will be expected to cover the cost of the lodger. Do a benefit calculation based on her living alone and a monthly budget. Look at properties to rent in your area.

To her clearly what support you are willing or able to provide - minding the baby for an hour while she has a bath in the evening, or weekend babysitting, or ....whatever you are happy with. Make it clear you won't enable her to be lazy although this is easier said than done. I'm sorry for your loss